Monday Memoir Sep 25, 1965

As fall came on, any "magic" that the summer had held began to fade, the fairy dust evaporated and life became in most ways more real, earnest and grim than ever. There were still a few good and special times but they became fewer and farther between. For one, colder weather limited evenings out. 

Sept 25, 1965, Sat

Got up and away at a reasonable hour but nothing else was reasonable all day long. It was the damnedest day. We ‘talked’ ‘til 10:00 and then I rode out. I had the chores done by noon and came home. Then we talked ‘til 3:00 and then we had to do a day’s work in four hours. Mom and I went up to Price’s (she protesting loudly) and bought Crisco off of them. And then we loaded Prez and Buzzie and went horse/mule hunting. At least we got a good look at the two infamous bridges, #33 and #34. The former really is colossal (SOB Canyon) . We shot a rattler but didn’t get the rattles. We did catch the critters and brought them home. It was all quite a job. We brought Cinder home, put Crisco in the corral and did our chores by starlight. It felt so good to quit. At bedtime my temperature was 100. I really felt like quitting the whole deal. If I had a key to 193680...

Those damn 'talks' were the bane of my existence and to a similar degree of Charlie Mike's. I really can not recall much of what was said but generally: how we needed to make progress and what was required to make it happen; how one or more of us was failing and not carrying our load and were to blame for things not going well; how we ate too much, goofed off too much, did not pay enough attention and must work much better, harder, faster and perhaps smarter. Nothing was ever good enough or above reproach--not ever. I almost always went away angry and depressed, feeling either guilty or oppressed or both. This was one of the worse days in that regard but there were many. 

Prices were some people we knew and basically were considered "friends". Crisco was a white fuzzy donkey. I know he was male but whether a jack or a gelding I cannot recall. He was allegedly broke and they needed to get rid of him for some reason I forget,. maybe just for a few dollars. How we could afford it I am not sure. (Maybe part of Mom's reluctance.) I guess they brought him over or we fetched him. Then at maybe 4:00 we set off up the river to find a missing bunch of mules and some of the mares. We should have started that no later than noon!! SOOO damn typical.

The bridges I mentioned were up the river where the track wound along at the eastern base of the "Cement Hills"--the big white bluffs NW of Clarkdale that were mined for the limestone the plant used. SOB was the farther one and crossed a very deep and narrow box canyon that went into the Verde River. The term had been used a long time, maybe back to when it was built (1900 or so) as it was a real Son-of-a-Bitch! The other was not named, just numbered (all railroad structures are numbered) but I called it Little SOB as it was not quite as fierce. I know Dusty's crew had worked on both at times. 

Of course it was dark before all that was accomplished and feeding at night was never fun. Check the hay etc. and stumble around half blind and exhausted.  There were few corners to be cut. The number I gave for which I wished I had a key was Dusty's camp car. I could probably have broken in easily --it was old and badly beat-up--but did not want to cause him a problem. While 100 does not sound like much fever, my usual body temperature has always been low so normal would be about 97.5. I did feel it.

Pictures: I made the trip on the VVScenic Train in 2006 and again in 2017.  The first two are from 2006. The first --I think- -is Little SOB and the second a view down into that canyon. The next three were from 2017. The first is looking down into the canyon while crossing SOB. Next is approaching the bridge and the last is looking back at it from up the track. On our ride we would have been down in the river bottom or across on some roads on the other side. The animals would have been in the river bottom but probably back where the box canyon had not really begun.. It did get narrower farther up to a real box canyon. 

Memoir Monday Sep 18, 1965

 Already past the middle of September. The monsoon was long over--they marked it by humidity and dew point  in those days and not the calendar. However a brief rainy spell or two in the month was not uncommon. Dad had gone ahead with a trip, probably more ranch hunting,  in spite of the weather, leaving Friday I think. Of course he drove the pickup leaving the big flatbed at home. So this day began pretty wet. 

Sept 18, 1965 Sat

Got up reluctantly and had a cup of coffee before chores and breakfast. Had coffee cake for breakfast and left about 9:00 to walk out. It was cool, wet and real muddy. Mom would not try to drive the big truck and I was not sure I could. I was suffused with a happy glow of last evening’s memories. We got there and drained the puddles etc. It was messy but not really terrible. Bravo was better--the lump had vanished somehow. And Tina was okay. We got back about noon and ate lunch before doing home chores. It was starting to clear. I had to ride Buzzie for awhile as she had a small colic. Left her tied to the post and wrote to Dusty. He is so real and with me today. I’ll never be quite alone now, I think. The Boss got home about 4:00 to everyone’s surprise. He is not too enthused--I don’t know what’s next. I rode out and told Prez there was no one there.  Yet our boot tracks still showed faintly in the sand. Only the smell of wet leaves hung in the air and I was alone yet he was there somehow. I’ll never be free, never ever now.  Evelyn and Albert are now married with much tooting horns etc. Never at my wedding, but I am not marrying into a Mexican family. Oh Dusty! So now to bed a little early and to dream. Tomorrow night you’ll be coming back to me again. Hope it is clear tomorrow and warms up.

I was not letting the weather dampen my mood. Thursday evening Charlie Mike had gone to an FFA meeting and I had gone out with Dusty. This time we did go to the Dairy Queen and then parked out at the end of the River Road. One thing I loved about him was he was always a true gentleman. I am not sure if he realized how naive I was at this time but he said, "If I do anything you don't like or want, stop me." And he meant that absolutely. He was strong from the work he did and could easily lift me right off the ground, but he never left a mark on me and usually the only thing mussed by our encounters was my hair.  I trusted him completely and he never damaged that trust. Then Friday afternoon he'd been out to the pasture with me and helped with the chores very well despite the drizzle and a bit of chill. So I was still feeling happy.  As for coming back--that was to Clarkdale, not to me per se; still close again though.

Bravo had dislocated a hip or another joint in one hind leg and I had been exercising him for a sort of therapy. It was working. And Tina,who had been so sick in the spring, was doing well but had a mild colic or something about this time. Sickness and injuries were so frequent; they should not have been happening so much, but damn it, it was NOT due to anything I did wrong or failed to do! Any errors I did make were due to ignorance, certainly not knowingly or uncaring. I loved all those animals so much.

My long term Clarkdale friend, Evelyn Graves,  got married that day. I had wanted to go but could not work it out. I had known Albert (Morales) for quite awhile too and was happy for them. It is wonderful to know they are still together all these years later. At that point, I expected to be marrying Dusty at some date in a few years. It almost came to pass, but ultimately was not to be.

I guess Dad was not pleased with what he saw of the place he had checked on. So what's new? If they were good, something on the deal always fell through. Cynicism was almost my middle name by this point. I did want a ranch, a good place to live and operate our livestock business properly, where the animals would be safe and conflict and issues would not plague every day but that was not to be either. In the end I had to completely change my life and most plans and then there was no going back. At times that still makes me sad. 

Pictures. Okay, first dear old "Moonspinner"  at the end of the River Road--which had become a special place; then my photo-shopped picture of Dusty and me together--I should have had Charlie Mike take a picture of us but never did; and last, a photo by my friend Julie Carter. This ranch is somewhere in New Mexico but the minute I saw it I felt it was meant to be my home.  It looked almost familiar. Maybe in another lifetime...  We never got close anyway. 

Memoir Monday, Sept 11, 1965

On this date in 1965 I just recalled it was the first anniversary of my initial real conversation with Dusty. Little did I know or even guess that the date would assume much greater significance some thirty six years later. Now the mundane setting forth of the day's events seems almost foolish when compared to the catastrophic shock of 9-11.

Sep 11, 1965, Sat

Got up at 6:30 and did my chores. Thought it would be a busy day and it was. There were some brief showers in the a.m. I rode Trix out about 8:00 to do the chores while the Boss went over to Jordan’s for hay. We finished our other chores and had lunch before getting ready to go to Prescott. We left about 1:00. Charlie Mike and I spent about an hour tramping around town. I got nail polish and remover, and a pattern for a men's size 15 western shirt. (For Bill Fisher --a pen pal’s  fiance--and also Dusty.) Actually I lifted it but unintentionally. I guess I’ll order the material because nothing that I saw suited me. We got lots of groceries and came home rather late. The chores were a drag; we stumbled through them with headaches. The folks bought me some film. I really did a.o.k. today all considered. Dusty has been on my mind all day. It has been a year since I first fell under his spell. I surely never believed or guessed then how far it would go. My wildest dreams have come dangerously close to coming true in many ways. I keep asking myself if I’m really sure I want him because I think if I do, I can win. But I don’t want to be sorry later. If he gives up so much for me then I owe him my life and steadfast devotion.  I guess the Boss will go to Franklin next week, Mon or Tues probably. Then we’ll have to check Stromberg’s Trout Creek place next. I’m really foolish but you know which way I lean. I hope Dusty doesn’t disappoint me again this week but Johnny is now back home. That will help.

Busy is relative, I guess. When small trips intervened,  the normal chores were compressed into the available time and some were skipped or done in abbreviated fashion. For some reason, both Charlie Mike and I were tapped to go to Prescott with Dad that day. More often one or the other of us stayed home. While Dad took care of some kind of business, the two of us wandered around and I did a small bit of shopping. I must have had at least a dollar or two to spend even if things were very much cheaper then. 

One of my pen pals was getting married,  and knowing I was making shirts, she asked for a matched pair for herself and her husband-to-be as a wedding gift. I could use my own pattern for hers but needed a larger size for him. It turned out he and Dusty were similar in size so one would do for both. I'm not sure how I accidentally got out without paying for this one   It was not intentional. Probably at J. C. Penney's and I did not find the kind of fabric I wanted, a colorful plaid, so just walked out maybe forgetting I had stuck the pattern in my purse as I was looking at the material.  I was trying at that point to keep my nails pretty so needed some new polish and remover. Even the cowboy girl had a little bit of vanity though it was not super-practical. 

Dusty had recently told me about the plan to get a legal separation which he hoped would work out, not being "a divorce" as such,  to trigger his semi-ex taking off with Johnny. This was a rather new idea to me and had been to him when his lawyer friend suggested it, but we both hoped it would make our situation better. I had tried not to let my parents know he was around and I was seeing him for I knew how vicious they'd be about my "transgression" for which I'd be fiercely condemned. This might not make them approve but I would be less troubled.

The eternal "ranch hunt" still went on and Dad was into two new places that he portrayed as positive,  exciting and well worth pursuing. I was now blase about these things and had ceased to take it seriously as a real possibility. Both places were on the far eastern edge of Arizona,  which of course meant a long ways from Santa Fe track, almost bordering some Southern Pacific territory. And at this point with those conditions, I alone cared for the animals with Charlie Mike's help and "the Boss" was generally not paying close attention. That was a brief respite for me, but woe betide if some major issue arose and had to be brought to his attention!! The excrement would hit the oscillator for sure. "What did I do wrong this time?"

Pictures? It gets harder and harder to find any not previously shared!  So here from the summers of 63-65 when a day or shorter trip was about to happen. Since we had two near-identical white Ford pickups during these years , I cannot date photos by the truck.  Anyway, first me and Alex, then our parents and both boys and finally Charlie Mike alone. That was about the only time we got out of dirty ragged clothes that were regular work attire. I remember making my outfit. The skirt was purple and the blouse was pale lilac--favorite colors, then and still. 

Another odd synchronicity: Sept 11, 1993 was the day Dusty was laid to rest in Mountain View Cemetery in Kingman. We had been apart a long time by then, no happy ending in this life for us due to much beyond our control or desire. I found the date some years later and in time visited his grave.

Memoir Monday Sept 4, 1965

 September came right on schedule. And why shouldn't it? The weather stayed summery for much of the month though we did get a late storm or two, but most evenings were still nice to be out. This was the Labor Day weekend so I had three less favorite days to get through. 

Sept 4, 1965 Sat

Got up at 7:00 and did the chores. I fiddled with my tape recorder for awhile, debating whether or not to sell the little monster. I guess I will. After breakfast we drove to the pasture and hauled hay. Got back and Charlie Mike went up for mail--nada. Saddled up and led the little ones over past the outfit and around. I rode Annie out while Charlie Mike did the home chores. Went ‘shopping’ in the afternoon. All I bought was a spool of thread and a 25 cent notebook for the Unfinished Story. I get real disgusted trying to shop and stretch money. That is the most hateful deal possible. I got a few pages of the story copied before riding out time. I rode alone and did the chores. We'd put Chip and Pepper out and Ginger in the main pen. Hope the mule’s leg gets okay.  Ginger won’t drink. I may have to put her back out. Evelyn came down and we drove around, She is getting married the 18^th and they are going to live in Tucson. She invited me to her wedding. Dale came about then and we all went over to the Dairy Queen and had milk shakes. He didn’t recognize me at first. Probably I could go with him if I wanted to but he seems so childish even if  he does smoke cigarettes and drink. I’m afraid Dusty has spoiled me terribly, especially the past month. I’ll tease him a little about going out, ‘specially since he has not taken me to the DQ  yet. Maybe he will…! I can’t be very mean though. Two more days--it helped this evening! I came back at nine and played records and wrote two letters. It's past bedtime now so I’d better wash up and hit the hay. Night all. 

Of course the routine work went on. We watched Chip's cut leg closely but it seemed to be healing okay. I took advantage of Charlie Mike being out of school for a few days more and we got as much done as we could.  I am not sure if I went to Cottonwood to "shop" or just to Coffman's--the one time Selna store-- uptown but probably the latter. I'm not sure either where from or how I had even that much change to spend. Pop bottles perhaps. 

I had not seen Evelyn much for awhile. She was in Prescott for a time, had gone to visit a brother and sister-in-law in California and was rarely at her parent's house. This evening she came by driving Albert's car which she had use of part of the time.We drove around until her brother Dale showed up and we all went to the Dairy Queen.  I had finally quit asking; I might tell Mom I was going if it was convenient but that was it.  I generally was home by about 10:00 and did not feel I needed to explain where I had been or what I had done. It was my own business as an adult of twenty two years! Of course I had gone out (finally!) with Dale a few times my last year of high school and first year after that but he had been gone awhile. I can't say if he liked me especially or not; there was no electricity or chemistry on my side of it anyway.  I never pictured us as a couple.

I am pretty sure Dusty had gone back to Kingman since Johnny was going to be going back to school--at nine I guess 4th grade or so. Dusty had a semi-apartment in a friend's garage loft but occasionally stayed in Johnny's room if he had things to do with the boy. Anyway he'd be back on Tuesday and I was hopeful of some more good evenings. However they often had to work late to finish a job so the train could get through or some other issue came up and I never knew until later, usually the next day. I'd fret and worry, of course! Gosh but a cell phone would have been such a prize!

One year more to survive now. I wish I had known there would finally be a sudden and huge change. I sometimes dreamed of it but at this time really did not believe it possible. Unfortunately things had to get a good bit worse before.better. Eight months of 1966 were mostly as close to hell as I ever intend to be! I cried enough tears to put out the flames and --well, no use dwelling on that for now.

Pictures? I'm not even sure I can find any.  Ok-- Just a few much later shots of places that were important at this time. They will probably look very uninteresting for memories do not show! 1) Looking down to 'the canyon'; the corrals were once where the bare area is, 2) The back road I called Standard Oil Hill; the building was once part of the bulk plant and  we parked at that wide spot at the left more than once!  3) I mention the loading dock at the foot of lower main. The dirt pile is where it was as a spur track came up to the north end so a vehicle could get on a flat car. Dusty found Charlie Mike and me sitting there often.  4) I rode on this hill often behind the Club House, the Old Church (now library) and City Hall.. Dusty pulled in there by the old garage and met me at times, usually Friday afternoon.

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