Memoir Monday, March 30, 1968

 One more week to wind up March. Although January and February were my leat favorite, March could be a bit off-key too... Mix and match days and events.

March 25, 1968, Monday

Not too miserable a day for a Monday. I did all the tass on my day's schedule and even answered Dale's letter. I do have one corection to make on my prograsm but i got the #2 right now and it was the hardest. My little paper is all written and typed for Eng 202 tomorrow and I put in two hours at the library reading ARS (Arizona Revised Statutes) and missed a phone call which I cannot find anything about. I'm so ticked and can't imagine who. I almost sayit was Dale or Duisty but then again...I don't really know. Gloria took it but she is gonen now  Damn, that's ugly. Just once I go out and don't leave a note on my door. Just once. I'm not eveb sure which phone it was on. Maybe while she was on the desk in which case it wasn't eitehr guy. Damnation again. I'll probably never find out.

I just got a cold and feel like crap. So much for today, better luck tomorrow! Later found it was the hall phone about 7:00. Michal Ann just told me. Still don't  know who. Possibly Dale as he has called about that time before. 

Walking down to the library about 6:15 I felt so lonely. I didn't know then that someone was probably thinking about calling me. I was feeling rather sorry for myself but got immersed in reading and forgot about it. I'd better go take my shower and get raedy for bed. Tuesday is a long hard day but maybe I can surprise Mr Knox by having my programs done easly. It's been a struggle but I think I've got them both. I am glad to be early and miss the worst crush in the tab room.

I think Dale is getting more aattached to me. And  I may as well ride that out as far as it will take me. I'm getting tired and blue for no reason, maybe overwork. It's bedtime and i've got to try to get a little more sleep. Five hours is cutting it pretty short. Drat about that phone call. Now I will fret until I find out and I may not. 

March 26, 1968 Tuesday

I went to breakfast and sat in the first row. I began to feel frumpy so I came back and changed into my blue denim skirt and gypsy blouise. Then I felt pretty. They are more flattering to me and soft blue is one of my good colors. The morning passed quickly and I went to lunch, debated sltting with Phil but decided against it.  He is always pleasant to me though. It was a local call last night, Gloria said. I wonder? Couldn't have been...  Probably just someone asking about an assignment or something, Like Fe maybe. Oh, if I had only been here though.

March 27, 1968 Wednesday

Just moping around and I wrote: "If icould be instantly reincarnated I'd be one of those lively warm girls who gets her hands on guys every chance she gets. Then I could crawl all over Xxx but for me it would be out of characater so much. Leaing over a guy's shoulder to say something, rubbing the fuzzy collar on his jacket--it would certainly remind him of my existence!"

March 28, 1968 Thursday

How did it get to be Thursday already? Thursday night, yet. Not much to report, really. Heard from the folks today and they retured my story. I swear I won't be taken in but The Boss really seems to have changed some. It is hard to believe it's for good and for real and I say I will not be taken in but he writes a nice letter anyway. Mom wasn't too taken with my story. I did not expect her to be.  But I figured he'd be more critical than she.  I think he'd do almost anything to buy me back but whether he just wants my regard or my freedom is hard to tell. .I've felt kind of dumpy for a couple of days. I have had a cold, flu or allergy attack and stiil too  much to do. This evening I got my formal case about half done and read Kathy H's pieces. I've got to run them down to her directly. TGIF. Tomorrow is Friday again. Damn but the weeks roll around fast. Haven't heard from Dale. Wonder if he'll be up?

March 29, Friday. 

It was a baeutiful day weather-wise and pretty nice otherwise. I just lived through the rest of the day afaer breakfast. I heard from Judy, Dale and Kitty Meacham, who wants to buy Chief. If I get $50 it would help so I told her okay. I made reservations for my California trips and bought a few things. Sat and re-read "Gone With the Wind" after dinner and then went with Michal Ann and Christy and some others out to the airport to see Robert Kennedy. He is really terrible cool--good vibrations as Christy put it. He is beautiful, looks about 28. I expect I'll dream of him. With a gray hat, and a moustach, a blurred vision of Ray and Dusty  with a New York acent  and a smidge of Rhett Butler thrown in!!

Dale? Forget it. By the time he gets aound to getting together with me again I'm going to be twenty zillon miles beyond him.. I'll leave him on stand-by temporaritly but  he's really not my kind. I have to have someone who challenges me, one way or another. He gave me a few more lessons in my 'traning'' but I did not feel anything inside really. If I never saw him again I would not fret even a minute. He really doesn'r have 'class'. Despite everything, Dusty did. And for a guy like RFK. I'd walk through hell --barefooted. 

Wow, little did we know that night that Robert Kennedy would be dead in just a matter of weeks. Such a terrible tragedy. If we had not lost first John and then him,  how very different things mught be today. One wonders at times how things can go so wrong and why they are allowed to by whatever real Powers That Be may be in charge. 

Pictures? really have none but I will hunt a bit. They are not mine  but semi-current.  I can hardly visualize the litle rural airport I knew morphing into this. Wow.  But then when I realize how huge and complex and changed the NAU campus is, I have to realize how many years have gone by!! I almost get lost, but the area is still special to me and holds a lot of memories.

Memoir Monday, March 23 1968

 Another unmemorable week for the most part. It was coming up to spring break and I think everyone was kind of tired and mired down and bummed from winter. Flagstaff winter could be briefly beautiful and exciting but then it got soggy and cold and slushy and too many glum gray days. This post is long but each entry is fairly short. 

March 17, 1968  Sunday

Here it is another dismal gray Sunday in Flag' with the wind wailing and an occasional snowflake flying. I am so shattered since now I cannot "climb Mt  Eldon with Phil and Ray to count pine trees" (ha ha). Nor can I number the yard or get some much needed exercise. I am getting so flabby that I just hate myself but it is hard to know what to do about it.  No mail at all yesterday. I am beginning to think nobody loves me anymore. Most dismal. I have a stack of sewing projects I could tackle and also should type a chapter of Cindy because time is getting short but I am unenthused about everything today.  Tonight I have to get beautified for my admirers so I only have until about 9:30 to work on my various projects. I really should get busy. I have done most of my homework, anyway. Danm the weather. I had so hoped it would be nice. Maybe it will next week and I can travel as I really can't risk Phoenix til the next weeek.  I'll  just have to get busy apronto and ignore the dismal day. It is silly to sit submerged in gloom

March 18, 1968  Monday

So far not a bad day at all. (for a Monday). Not too  much in the way of mail--letters from Judy and Mama Witt. At  lunch Carolyn had me come sit with her so I ended up right behind the Forester's table. Ray looked at me coming back from getting milk but I was "busy talking". I'm pretty sure he lives in the brownstone former frat house on Beaver because he was coming back with his Forestry jacket when I was coming 'home' later. He carefully passed me, not too close and not to far so I felt he expected me to speak. I said "Hello." and he replied "How are you today?" and nodded. Today was supposed to be the first day of spring. Would you believe ? The weather hadn't been informed, obviously. 

I have heaps of things I should be doing tonight but I am utterly without enthusiasm and energy. Probably what I should do is go to bed early and get a good night's sleep for a change. Then tomorrow I can write up my Marketing cases for Friday and Monday, type a chapter of Cindy and do a few other things. Maybe I'll try to type one chapter, take a shower and turn in. It's been a kind of a drag today. 

March 19, 1968  Tueasay

I'm so tired tonight at 11:40 that I feel sick. It has been a long day as so many are. Got a letter from Dale today . I've spent 2 1/2 to 3 hours trying to get one accounting problem for Friday and I'm so mad and sick of it I could just scream. I finally quit.  Frank Ogden called me today to find out the assignment for Marketing,. I wonder how he knew where to locate me? Actually he is not bad. It's funny because I mentioned him in my letter to the folks.  Tomorrow I've got to hit the railroad books for finance stuff. Can't go see Dale for awhile until he gets some bread so I'll have to do as much as I can on both papers since April is going to be frantic what with tripping to Judy's etc. And March is more than half gone already. Lissen--I've had  for today.  I'm really dragged out, tripped out, stoned out --not even real. Tomorrow is another day, maybe a better one.

March 20, 1968  Wednesday

I come to the conclusion I should attach myself to some Ivy Leaguer with a fat butt stuffed into tight pants but I am afraid I could not hack that . How about Fe (Frank Ogden) but I don't hink he is quite my type either, a rather pretty little boy and does not aspire to the drugstore cowboy routine at all. That is surpriseing considering his backgrouind.  But he is too young anyway. 

Got letters from Mary and Linda today, pictures from Mary and I'm real pleased with them although it does not look like me! Maybe my games with B&D agreed with me because I looked like 'somebody' with my shades and braids. Youthful but not quite a teenager!!

March 21, 1968  Thursday

Hi again at 11:30 pm. Damn, I'm tired but I want to write about today anyway. My two classes were okay. After DAPR I went up too Mr Davis' office. (ENGL) He was very polite and complimentary, much to my surprise. I find myself rather liking him now. I talked with him about ten minutes I suppose. I typed chapter 10 of Cindy and wrote a letter to Charle Mike since I got one from him today.I have so much to do it flat scares me. I got tomorrow's marketing assignment done and still couldn't get that lousy accounting problem. Spent about an hour and a half in the computer lab. Mr Knox came in and talked to me briefly. He is one of the most homely men I've ever seen but really quite fascinating. I think I impressed him by being there so soon anyay which is good. I need all the 1's I can get! I've got Lane (mktg) sewed up to get 100% without even being booze and bed buddies. That is aok. Yech, I couldn't sleep with him to save my life! I have sure got my weekend cut out for me and the next two months, substantially, Gads, there is no rest for the wicked, is there? I've got to get out and do some hiking this weekend unless the weather is really rotten.  And I've got to catch up on sleep a little if possible; I've been doing with about 4-5 hours and I'm beginning to run down somewhat. 

March 23, 1968 Saturday

Just a half hour away from March 24, actually. I haven't done as well as i shouild have maybe but I have been pretty conscientious and busy today. I got all my week's marketing and accounting assignments done anyway. Tomorrow I've got to write my process paper and Finanace Game book and do some housekeeping chores. If the weather is halfway decent I'll hike the high rail out east and number the yard and see how many pasing frieghts I can get. Just have to take it easier on Sunday! Must do my ironing , clean this filthy room a little and clean up myself. I can't  afford to go tripping at least until I go to Judy's at Easter--spring break. I've got to be pretty frugal with my funds from here on until I decide what to do this summer. I really don't want to go to summer school as I think I kind of need a break. But I don't know whether I deserve one and can afford the time. I don't want to go to California for the summer,, though. That's one sure thing and I'll probably end up staying right here. In a different dorm. Should see about jobs really. 

I walked out on Observatory Hill and the west track this afternoon. The fresh air and sunshine sure felt good. I would rather have been riding but walking sure beats hnaging your butt on a chair! It's kind of hard to believe the folks are all in Caifornia and I am in Arizona by my lonesome. Back in the past I wanted changes so much and dreamed of going to school or almost anything to get away. Now I am here and it isn't heaven but it is better than hell. Stil I often dream about the old days and wake up exhausted from fighting it in my subconscious. Will I never be really free from the past? I doubt it. It is a part of me . Ought to quit fretting over it and over Dusty and all that is out of reach,. Dale is within reach but probably too easy. Who then? Wait and see, little  Miss Impatience. There is stil quite a bit of life ahead of you. 

Explains: Frank Ogden was a fellow Mingus grad, 2-3 years behind me. His folks had a ranch in the Mingus foothills and their road to go up there was directly across the Camp Verde highway from the one we used to go to the 20 acres. He was never into cowboy stuff at all. Odd. Very much an MBA type, it seemed. Not sure what he finally did; saw he passed away not long ago, I think in Cottonwood

. I am not sure what the letter I showed to Dr Downum was about. Considering changing my major? Moving off campus/ Some other academic thing? Nothing comes to mind.

Pictures?  There is really not anything to show.. I'll see if there are any NAU views I have not used to death. Like Alice in Wonderland said, words with no pictures are so dull! So you get trains. First is the main yard, just up thestreet (Agassiz then) from where I lived from summer 68 on,. Then the west track from a spot low on the Observatory Hill aka Mars Hill and the Pluto Oobservatory. And last, out east along the track where I often walked all four years but mostly the first two.  Odd that I kept that train fascination so much but I knew Charlie Mike liked any info, pix, numbers etc that I might get. He went out to Roseville yard some while over there. He was mostly very unhappy.

Memoir Monday, March 16, 1968

 A week of no big trips or adventures. Many weeks were, very prosaic and one could even say dull! Despite any small and awkward efforts to the contrary, I was not destined to be a  BWOC or the life of any sorority or party set! The Honor Dorm had its share of that type but many of us were not. You had to have a good grade average and be thought well of as far as your behavior, at least what was known! Some did have steady boyfriends and some did not. Some took advantage of the laxer hours and allowance to come late and ring the door bell for Carol Ann or another 'inmate' to let you in but we were generally not "wild"!. The prior year I might have enjoyed the later times a few evenings but did not avail myself of that now. I had my fun elsewhere. 

March 11, 1968 Monday

Old blues bug bit me again. The result of a dreary weekend, I guess and about 'curse time' too.But really I got quite a bit done. The aqua skirt and the lavender/lilac outfit plus the bra of my pink bathing suii done. A few small problems with the shorts but I think I can work them out. Have all my lessons for today and my retyped letter ready to show Dr Downum. And it's ridic to dread the little interview becaus he is just so nice. So I am really sitting pretty and should feel fine. Now shape up, girl. I've even got a ride to Phoenix for $1.00 if I want to go. Betty is going down. Think I'll go even if I have to rent my own room and entertain myself! Another weekend up here and I will be fit for 24h and Van Buren myself--unless the weather is nicer. It's ugly this morning, a miserable howling north wind--yech. Almost time to trot off to class. Will type on Cindy when I get back unless there is some urgent mail to answer. Have a busy day ahead which is really good, believe me. The miseries shouild hit tomorrow or Wednesday and then after being pain-struck for a few hours, I should feel much better Maybe I should try Midol? But I do not have much faith in that. 

Later, just got back from lunch  Saw Ray, who came to talk to Phil,  but neither were with the regular crowd. Oh, just  let that go!!. Dusty, you were tender and good to me but you put me on the wrong path. I telepahically warned you last fall,  tried to tell you just what would happen and it surely did. Dale is not really right for me but I won't break up with him because I have to have somebody. And when he puts me down, I'll be another rung down the ladder. But if you don't reach out and snatch at any pleasures that go by, where are you? High and dry and lonely. I've been there too. I used to have such high ideals and they have all crumbled. It's a very old worn out story and no one wants to hear it, Any two bit mattress back can get married. Even I could if I crowded it, probably. If I squalled loud enough and fussed long enough, But where would I be then? Down inside way deep, I'm still the damn fool child believing in fairy tales, Santa Claus, all the other but it's now encased in a very uninnocent body. a 'fallen angel's' as it were. Not that there is anything unusal about that today but still...I'm afraid my 'dream prince' wouldn't want me this way and it is too late to undo the damage. Now, who'll miss another slice out of the cake? But I know and it marks me. Damn Victorian morals,  go back to your cage and shut up bitching at me.Why am I still so bound by those damned 1800s standards dad forced on me?

Mar 14, 1968 Thursday

Here I am on Thursday. The time goes by so fast.  Yesterday I drew an almost life-like portrait of Ray. It came out very good. Still not quite sure why I was given a copy of his picture; maybe a school one?  I went back and laid out the proportions, rough scketched and then finished and colored some.What a waste of time--really. Old habit of sorts maybe. Creating a make-believe image from nothing like with the old pen pals. Dumb.

I  got a three on my Finance test. Yech. I am really doing kind of badly. I've got to get on the stick. It was 77/100, a "high" three but still. I know I can do better and I must. I've somehow got to quit mooning around and sober up to work. But with Dusty, Dale and yeah, Ray, on my mind, wondering  what to do this summer and assorted worries yet, on and on, it isn't a bit easy. 

March 16, 1968 Saturday

Here I am alone on another Saturday night. But I'm not too upset about it. I wasn't sure about going to Phoenix anyway and next weekend I had better not according to my calendar.  Got my two assignments for Monday done at least. Made a couple of collages out of pictures from Playboy and loafed away the day. I have a long list of things I was supposed to do this weekend but I am not too swift at getting them done. Well, what the %^&&%^! It's only 4:30 and I had a good nap this afternoon so I really should be good for quite awhile yet. I think I'll cut out some more sewing projects and then type some on Cindy. Tomorrow I have to study some and if the weather isn't too ugly I guess I'll go hiking out the east rail and see how many car numbers and photos I can get. Have rather neglected that small avocation lately.  Stayed up until 2:00 last night reading after going out with Michal Ann and Obu (A Black guy whose girlfriend ois a friend of Michal Ann's)  in the girl's VW. She was coming in on a bus. That Obu is a character--I could not believe him and his legal conflicts if I hadn't lived with The Boss. Gawd, what a kook.  Hell, it's hot in here. I think I'll open my door for awhile. On the second floor there is not much going on to close away. 

 Pictures: My "Art" effort --I had not done a portrait for awhile, not since one of Dusty so compare? Oddly I never did one of Dale and in retrospect no poems or even sketches. I guess that was significant. Sorry the one of Dusty did not come across well--it is slightly too light,  copy oif a copy I think

Mempoir Monday, March 9, 1968

 In between the 'adventures', the weeks could be monotonous and the old depression would still try to sneak in and mess with me. I'd been in college long enough now that it was not a big exciting challenge anymore. I knew I needed to study more and do better but many times that was hard, finding the discipline and the ambition for it. What was I going to do when this was all over? I often felt I was waiting for the 'right' someone to come along so I could recreate my plans and shape them to work with his. I was still so used to being the shadow, the chameleon who changed to 'fit in' and the new persona I'd been trying to build was not the best fit--for the real me. I  soon began to see and feel that. So what was  there?  The solo room was not helping me at this point. I had nobody to bounce ideas off and to urge me to go here or there, do this or that, and simply to laugh and tease a bit about some guy or some other silliness. Family had ceased to be and many old friends were gone as well. I had always been 'alone' to a degree buit this time it was too intense and too real.

March 4, 1968 Monday

I hadn't expected it but I had a good time down in the Valley. BTW, Darrel Stone isn't my type.  Nancy has moved up to her lot now and Buzzie and Leo are in their corrals. Both were feisty. We went riding for about two hours. I rode Leo but first gave Buzzie about a ten minute 'what for' to calm her down,  Nancy wants me to come down often and help her try to keep them in line. Her kids are all crazy about me. They are cute but kind of little brats. Saw Kit Lewis and she said Lyno is fine and they do think she is in foal. Jim D is trying to sell Chief and said he'd split with me. That is okay. I wll write to the ApHC (Appaloosa Horse Club) for a transfer form. I can forge a signature for it easily. 

I got letters from Mom and the Boss today. I was surpised at the Boss; he is really playing it cool. Either he is thinking a little differently or faking it. All he wants me to do is photocopy some data for him. I can do that safely enough at the Library.  Went shopping this afternoon and go some more sewing supplies. I am going to make a bathing suit or even two. Then I will get a cool tan this summer. Still nothing from Dale. I am goin g to scratch him PDQ if he does not get with it.. Really. In another day or two I will write or try to call Dusty. Maybe a vain effort but still...no, I have not forgotten and won't.

Saturday night I went to see Colleen. She is now more or less going with Doug Marcom who was in my advanced Comp class. He is a Mormon and she is going to chruch with him. That really tickled me.  I am getting less religious by the day, and not even ashamed. I will xerox a few pages out of the dance books and try to practice some. I've decided that dancing could be loads of fun. I'll just say I was raised in a real strict home and have just busted out and am eager to learn all about 'sin'. After dinner I've got to get busy. My room resembles a pig sty and I've got lessons to do and letters to write. I am running myself to death these days but I hardly dare to be quiet and just think. And it all began with Bud Smith on Jan 20. There is this guy in Finance who looks like Bud. I am going to try to do a portrait. Maybe I can set up a rogue's gallery to decoratem y apartment--I do ntend to live off campus soon, maybe this summer.  Wish Judy and Mary would write. Nobody loves me anymore. Guess I'll have to remind them as they are both probably busy. But so am I and I still find time to write to my friends.

March 6, Wednesdaey

I had breakfast with JoAnn and Edna today (the elderly lady from Winslow). Big Ray came tromping in and waved gravely first to JoAnn and tene to me. It's cute the way he does it, very formal and old-worldly. But I went on out with JoAnn though he had sat right across.  I came back to the dorm after classes and got my sheets to change when I went for mail. I had felt I would hear from Dale and I did.  Also from Charlie Mike. I answered both letters promptly. Got my Mktg case turned in and got 79 on my accounting test ( but making the top 45/50 on my Mktg quiz.) Hated the damp drizzy weather. This evening I finish typing chapter 5 of Cindy, sat my hour on the lobby desk,  rearranged my room some and think I have finally found the best possible arrangement. They are small and awkward rooms.  Tomorrow I've got to get some books from the elibarary for my research projects, see Dr. Downum, and make the Boss's copies. I just feel soo damend tired but I  feel generally a little better moodwise anyway. 

March 7, Thursday

Wild dream about Ray whenre I was back dealing with sick animals and such shit. Hate those. Why he was there I am not sure. I am alays dreaming of Dusty. That has gone on for years. Dale is not that much a part of my subconscious yet. He may never be in which case I guess I've got no business leading him on. But hell, a person has got to have some fun. Unless I got PG or get VD, I am not paying much of a price, really.. I can't get into Ray, really and that is why I am hanging onto Dale. "Don't you need somebody to Love. Better find somebody to love," as the Airplane sings. 

March 8, 1968 Friday

It was snowing and ugly but I thought it was a pretty cool day. I wore sunny yellow and was bright and cheery..Had a bii of very casual conversation wth Ray as the group he was near left and we were then sitting alone at a table. I am not sure if he wanted to leave or not! I did note his hands are neat and nails clean etc but his eyes fascinate me the most. Odd gray and changeable. The finance test was bad news on roller skates . I should have recalled the prof asked  sneaky questions Well, maybe I got 75%.  I wasn't too bothered. My attitude is so bad, I'll probably get all 3s this semester! This evening I ironed and cut some fabric and anwsered the letter I got from Mary today, Will answer Judy's tomorrow. Had to slog clear uptown in the rain/snow to get a stamp--it was postage due! Otherwise it was just a day that passed. As I hope to do on my classes... 

Pictures. It was a joy to me to see Buzzie and Leo and know they were healthy and well loved. Nancy Shellman and her husband Don were great follks. The horses had good care for several years and eventually Buzzie had a colt by Leo. It felt good to be in a saddle again after quite a while. Both horses knew me. 

 

 

Memoir Monday, March 2, 1968

 Suddenly February was over and March marched in, its normal mix of weather and also of  events and adventures that were suddenly running wildy through my 'new' version of life. If my narrative seems disjointed and I might appear to be floundering a bit, my excuse is how hard it was to reinvent myself in this totally new environment I had landed in, with little preparation or warning. I felt a lot of Wow and a lot of Whoa! So let's go back to the weekend I anticipated at the end of the last week's tale. WARNING!! The next passage is semi x-rated and a tell-tale that in time I would go on to write steamy romance!! Warning II, this week's report is going to be *very* long so feel free to skim or skip anything,  including just scroll past!

Feb 25, Sunday

Well, it was a short weekend but cool, really cool. I left Flag Friday afternoon as scheduled and got to Phoenix just a little early. Dale and his bud Delbert came in and found me sitting in the depot feeling just a little lost.  Del drove us to the motel--the Flamingo,(one of the old Phoenix classics; I saw it in Az Highways recently!) at 24th and Van Buren.  For just a moment that address gave me the shudders but I got over it. Our room was 296. For a minute or two,  we were strangers . He asked if I was hungry and I said no. Then he took me in his arms and everything else faded into nothingness 'til morning--late morning. We got up, had breakfast and went walking, looking for a bathing cap for me and flip-flops for him because of the pool rules. We spent a couple of hours in and around the pool and then went up to the room and had hamburgers sent up. We ate them and made love again and he slept while I watched TV and doodled. We finally got up fairly late, bathed, dressed and and went out. Had a good Mexican dinner and then went to Harry's Capri, a nearby night spot where they had live western style music. Dale had a couple of beers and I sipped a Tom Collins (knew to keep it light now) and we danced a few slow ones. I was not a dancer but just shut my eyes and let him move me around. That was fun. We finally went back 'home' to the room and to bed. He sleeps like a rock once he sacks out. Me not so much. We finally woke up this morning and "did it" once more (seven times in 36 hours!?!), both of us tired and sore but too crazy to know when to quit. Too soon it was 3:00. We walked to the bus station where he kissed me and put me on the bus for Flagstaff. 

I'm of mixed emotions, part of me says "Huh-unh" but another reaches out to him. He's been hurt so deeply, probably quite a bit his own fault, but he is so very like Dusty, though still just himself. Not really good looking at all, but he knows how to turn me on, really on. Kiss and nibble until I am writhing and whimpering and then he takes me and I melt apart and swear I'd die if the beautiful pain went any deeper and I'd die if he stopped. I scratch a bit and bite his shoulder and then it is over. He lays still  for a long minute and then pulls away from me and I lie there limp and boneless and utterly content for awhile and then I am ready to start over again.  I do not worry now that I am cold or even feel I warm up slow anymore!! Maybe I should be ashamed and way back in a couple of musty little Victorian corners, I am. But mostly I am not and really can't see why I should be!! When "next time" will be remains to be seen but at least he is not as patient or as overworked as Dusty. The similarities are why I have named him "Smoky." I almost love him but not quite. Something is missing and I can't quite decide what. That troubles me. 

Feb 26, Monday

Guess who called me about 10:30 last night! The Boss. He is out of 'jail' and in California now, released into Uncle Dan's "Custody" so I was in no danger of running  into him over the weekend! I am kind of dragged out today but not bad all considered. I've got some sore muscles but other than that I'm fine, ready to roll again...that is a pun, by the way!

I ignored Big Ray at the cafeteria as he's old news. Dale couldn't stand much more kicking around. (How about me, I could ask but I think I just may be tougher than he is in some ways.) Females really are the stronger sex when it comes to real fortitude but they can sure be bitchy wicked. Don't I know. I may owe the male sex a kick or two but I'm not going to take that out on somebody like Dale. Don't knock it if you rock it, doll. (Or if it rocks you?) I need a longhorn. It's my first today . Dale smoked up a pack and a half of mine along with his PallMalls but he bought me a pack and showed me a good enough time that I'm sure not bitchin' about it. I don't want to get too lost over him, but he's got to see that all girls are not like "Noni" and "Peggy" (some bad ex's). Maybe I can love it up but I am no mattress back or throat slicing tw*t either. I play it very straight. As long as a guy wants me and treats me fair, I'm his girl and when it's over I may cry but I won't go mean on him. Still I keep hoping that I will get a real keeper someday and into double harness for keeps. But I won't vegetate until then. 

Dusty is always specal because he was my true first and in many ways I owe him my life. I did promise and meant it. He was both my first love and first lover and has parts of me no one else ever can.  I am still not sure why he faded out when and how he did. I may still go over to Kingman but ... I plan to go down to Nancy's (Shellman) on Sunday if I get my work caught up some. I want to see how Buzz and Leo are coming along.

 Feb 28, Wednesday

Still haven't hard from Dale--maybe tomorrow. It was windy ugly today. At noon Big Ray came in with this gal they call Hilda. She looks like a central Euroopean peasant--not a typical college girl for sure. I can't figure out now if they are secretly married (she does not wear a ring), shacked up, going steady or even related?  Shaking head. I got my posters that I'd entirely given up on and they are really cool. Clark Gable is something else (GWTW role)\ and Steve McQueen on a motor cycle!. What more could I ask for?  I sort of frittered the evening away. I really am tired so maybe I'll try to go to bed early for a change. Only two classes tomorrow so that  is a relief.

I rough-finished "The Rebellion" tonight (story I was writing) and I really like it,. I want Mike Johnson to read it and comment but may not have that opportunity. He was my last semseter's English teacher. Got another chapter of Cindy done, too, That makes four out of sixteen, 40 pages so far. I think I can finish it by Easter. Tomorrow I've got to concentrate on roughing out my formal case for Marketng, Have no other assignments for Friday so that helps. I'll spend the evening in the library. Get that done and check out my first round of books for papers--several to be done. The letter of proposal is due Tuesday; will discuss it more tomorrow. 

March 1, Fruiday

In like a lamb? It was a beautiful day. I felt  "pretty' but saw no one important. BTW, Ray and Hilda are not married,but they are engaged and getting married in June. I get the feeling it is a sort of arranged family thing. The Polasky's are Polish but whether long term citizens I have no idea. Have not heard from Dale and I am about to get ticked. If he hasn't written by tomorrow... He is getting me spoiled. I often waited weeks to hear from Dusty. I am still tempted to jaunt over to Kingman and find if he is still around there.. I have sure gotten immoral lately, drinking, smoking, free-loving...so I could be daring. 

Tomorrow I've got to get to work, seriously, most of the day to earn the privilege of going to Cottonwood on Sunday. I am wondering about Stone--a new driver I heard mentioned. He is probably older than Louie (that's impossible!) but I do have this thing about bus drivers. I wrote to the folks today and rather laid down the law, but I tried to be diplomatic about it, Geez, if they knew what all I've been up to, wouldn't they flip? Basically that is why I'm doing it, I guess., Rebellion. I'll have to send them my story, too. I don't know if they will like it but they should read it,

Tonight I'm kind of sitting easy. Nearly everyone is gone and the dorm is spooky quiet. A week ago I was almost to Phoenix. "By the time I get to Phoenix..."  Sorry,  that will have to wait for awhile. I'm going to have to go to work this summer or i will run out of funds, probably. Well, it will be good for me . I kind of intended to anyway. I'll probably try waitressing, That is one way to meet poeple and meeting people is important, especially male people.  Made up my strawberry print muu-muus tongiht. One long and one short to go over pants or a bathing suit,. I really think I'll try to make a bathing suit, I'll hunt for patterns if I go on a little shopping jaunt tomorrow. I have to take a bit of a break sometimes.  I may go to hear the 5th Dimention tomorrow night. I think it would be a good show. "So I just dropped in to see what condition my condition is in.  I've been "out" for awhile,.

'Splains?  That 24th and Van Buren address--that was the state mental hospital which had baeen a sort of joke for years in my set. That was where Dad was sent in lieu of prison for assault  with a deadly weapon.  He was always angry and offended about it but Dr Joe Hudson and Uncle Dan did him a huge favor to get that plea!  A felony record would been much worse. "The Rebellion" was a story I wrote--not quite but maybe leaning toward literary fiction.  I may put it on this blog before long--it was not pretty but I was not thinking too pretty about then.

Pictures? I actually looked on line and that old motel site was closed years ago and there was later a Flamingo Airporter at the same location but it is closed too. Right now I cannot find the Az Highways issue that had a shot of it along with other historical motels and are resorts in Phoenix--50-60 years ago!  Van Buren then was kind of an analog of Tucson's Miracle Mile. So what else might do? I am at a loss!! Just for tax, a few old ones used before will do. The one of me was at my apartment a few months later. And busses--a key element for a fwe months. 

 

Monday Memoir Feb 23, 1968

 Juggling student-ing and social life, mostly a new commodity for me. Remember,I had hardly dated at all before I left home September '66 and the prior year, I limited 'going out' to the times Dusty could get to Flagstaff and spend an evening with me. All at once a new world flung a wide door open and let me in! 

So I started this week with the Saturday after the Thursday I ended with last week. (Whatever happened to the system  of just the day that  matched the current date in --now 2026?) Well,  in part I did not keep a neat day by day record any longer and it would be so lacking in 'story' and continuity to do it that way. Is the "story" worthwhile? Does anyone really care to follow it? Looking back, it is so 20th Century and not near the end at that! I was such a weird misfit and confusicated soul, too. I am sure there were others who suffered the same malaise but with different symptoms and manifestations. Maybe it will shine a slight light for someone to show no, you truly are not alone out of step in a happy, well adjusted world! Perhaps more of us are "weird" than we ever know.

Feb 17, 1968 Saturday

Got a letter from Judy and one from Dale. That made my day. I got through classes ok and didn't feel too bad even getting 'the curse' in just 23 days. It is better early than late usually. Got up about 7:45 today and have gotten quite a few little chores done. I'll have to do more homework tomorrow though. Today I read Finance (new class this semester) and wrote letters, sorted my summer clothes and that is about it. Got my laundry done too. Tomorrow I have to do my Accounting and Marketing , maybe sew some and get beautified for the week.  I may take a walk and number the yard if the weather stays okay. I've got a big bag  of stuff for the Goodwill Drop Box. Get it out quick before I change my mind! I borrowed Betty's record of "Love Is Blue" and played it at least ten times this evening. It is so pretty! I think I will try to get the LP by Murriat's orchestra.  I have shaken my glooms pretty well. Tuesday I am going to the dentist My whole jaw will rot out if I do not do something right way. It is dumb to let it go. Re-read a bunch of my efforts at fiction writing,. I am trying to develop a style; right now I have three or four, my "Cindy" style, my "essay" style, my "true story" style and and my new (literary?) fiction style. Maybe they all have their points.

Feb 19, 1968 Monday

Happy birthday. Mom. But I am ticked at you sort of--you haven't thanked me for your gift and card or retunred my writing. Sitting on the Dorm Lobby desk this evening, I watched eeh couples come and go and felt such an ache of wanting to belong to somebody. But I do now, I guess. He seems to think so and I'll get used to it soon. Belonging to somebody is a funny sort of thing, really. It has long been a major wish or even need  of mine though.  I have felt alone for so long, partly by choice and partly by circumstances. Belonging to Dusty was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me and now Dustyh has come back to me in just a little different package. I'll get used to the idea soon; I know I will. Now Dale aka Smoky, claims to have a confession . I still remember Dusty's. It was so serious to him but did not matter to me at all, the adoption matter. One's first love is always beautiful, I guess. After that if may be more real or realistic and many other things but never quite the same magic. But I had a 'story book' romance, anyway. Someday I'll write it and share it with other lonely, sad girls.

It looks like all systems go for the weekend and I should be delighted. Conscience at this point? But that is ridic! He is a total free agent. Quite possibly that is the uneasiness. I do believe that I am subconsciously deathly afraid of marriage or any permanent attachment and at the same time afraid of being rejected. Of course worried about the dentist too. My mouth tastes rotten and probably smells like a sewer. I'll be lucky not to lose more than just a couple of bad teeth. Coward and procrastinator-are us. 

I'd almost rather keep that '8' (incomplete) in Accounting than take the 3 but I earned it and it is one more step towward my degree. A 3 is really no badge of shame; it is just average! Who am I to be too good for "average"?  I am really more ticked about the 2 from Struass, the nasty old geezer.  I will never take another class from him. ((Famous last words; there were several in time and I even got a 1 once or twice.) 

It just might be cool to get married and go a little slower than to finish school in three years Of course with my luck I'll get PG first thing.  \ I may anyhow and proably won't get married unless I do. I should try the pill or some contraceptive, anyway.  And I made four 1s anyway and that is darn good under the horrid circumstances. Really Bud screwed me up on Govt and Accounting, literally,  But I had the last laugh-- maybe? 

Feb 23, 1968  Friday

Gee I have had such a time of it lately. Had a tooth out yesterday and it wasn't bad but I am not too impressed with Dr. McEuen. Must have the other out soon and it is going to leave an awfully big hole . I really will need a bridge--just another expense and nuisance. Then I broke my glasses frames. There went $9.26 to Mesa Optical tis morning for a new pair. I feel like a pawnshop window now.  They are all glittery.  Got quite a bit of mail this morning. Leters from Mom, Charlie Mike, Judy and H.P. O'Leary (ATSF official) Seems like everyobdy is in for a wild weekend. I imagine my prvate party will swing pretty well too. If anybody wants to know, it is the wedding anniversary of this couple I knew in high school.  Her brother, an old flame of mine, just ended a 3 year hitch in the Marines. My story and I stick with it!

So pictures? Well, which is the most accurate version of "me",  the cowboy girl or the coed, soon to be an office girl? (I was going for an interview in this shot..) Or were they both wrong or both right? Sometimes I do not know... I've never been just one person, not ever. 

Monday Memoir, February 16, 1968

 So I was now "Dale's girl" but I was also determined to make a better job of this semester than I had the previous one. In some ways I did succeed but I also came to point of needing to make choices for some changes. However that is a tale for the late spring and summer so for now, what is happening in the short term? 

Feb 12, 1968  Mon

Another Monday and I am beginning to fit into a routine. It doesn't take too long once my mind is made up. I knew some things were necessary and I pulled up my socks and went to work. I really got quite a bit done and over a weekend, too.

I cleaned the room including mopping the floor, sorted clothes (you should see the Goodwill bags!) did some sewing etc. I made a skirt from my dear old corderoy jumper and it came out really cute. It will be sharp with my new shirt, the rose print one and a sweater set I have. Today I typed six pages on "Cindy". I'd like to have it done by Easter so I can take it to Judy's. I'm afraid I slightly neglected my studies, though. That I cannot afford to do. I got a letter from Dale on Saturday. I'd been about ready to give up. I guess I lack cnfidence. 

Big Ray is definitely back. This morning with only a moustache and his Cossack cap, he was trying to look like Dr Zhivago. But he is nothing to me now, really never was. He is an overgrown boy who hasn't found himself and has to keep playing roles in that search.  I am tired so off to bed soon. I can be a bit more leisurely in the morning though with  no eight o'clock class. Tomorrow I begin the night class and Wednesday I'll see about  the writer's club. The weather was yuck today, half snow and half rain and wholly miserable. I am ready for spring but it comes late to the high country.

Feb 13, 1968  Tues

What a day to have a night class. It is snowing, cold, wet and drippily miserable. Darn Ray and his wierd gray eyes. When Michal Ann and I went to dinner he was sitting with Phil Jenson (the other forester I call "Richard Burton";  there is areal  resemblence) and I think they are living together now off campus. Well that is neither here nor there. I've got Dale in Phoenix and he is not quite in the same boat Dusty was last year. But there is no harm in looking, It is safer than talking which is safer than touching etc. Will have to write Charlie Mike directly. I finished Ch 1 of Cindy today, fourteen lovely pages in two days. Well, not really lovely but thank heaven for ezyerace paper!!

Feb 15, 1968 Thurs 

Didn't see Ray today nor did I hear from Dale. (planned weekend?)  I didn't go hear Glenn Yarborough either although I could have and kind of wanted to. Really did not feel like it. My sore tooth is acting up again. It is really rotten and I have got to have it out. Will see to that soon. Am tired and lazy with the PMS type week-before blues. It is not as bad as sometimes though since I am not especially "love starved." I wish I would get rid of these damn mood swings and cramps. I finished my blouse and the purple pants today. The pants fit cool. Also got through Chap 2 of Cindy, roughly 1/8th done in less than a week. I am so proud. Tomorrow is a Friday. I only had one class today which made me lazy. Went up town for a few odds and ends and exchanged my typewriter ribbon actually without a qualm. I'm coming along famously on my poise and brass! 

Of course it rather stretches me to talk to someone like Dr McFarlane but I  need to be stretched and I damn well know it--even if it pinches a little. But I don't think I'd enjoy sleeping with a guy I have to stretch for. I couldn't give myself freely and relax. But I might try it sometime. Occasionally I deplore my low taste (?) in men but the 'classy' ones drink and screw about the same way. So why bother? May as well be comfy and enjoy it. It is supposed to be 'fun'. Without Dusty for the first, Bud would have killed me and Dale (now  called  "Smoky") would have absolutely blown my mind. Of course a bed is a darn sight better than the back area of a VW bug! I'd like to have another chance with Dusty in a king sized bed with music and maybe just one drink apiece.  I have picked up quite a bit of savvy in "seven short lessons" from a couple of highway  cassanovas! It is good to be 'with it' again anyway. I was really turned off all fall. Everyone can almost see the difference in me now. . Maybe I am too much on the prowl but I don't think so...

Pictures. Not mine. But just to think about! A bug and a bed--and no bedbugs LOL The rear seat in the Beetle would fold down and make a flat baggage or storage area. Not a lot of room. Don't ask. And a  typical motel bed??  Last-the jumper I remade. It was high-waisted, empire waist and snug through the middle then flared into a multi-gored skirt. I did love it though it was kind of olive green hue normally not a fave color.