Memoir Monday, March 16, 1968

 A week of no big trips or adventurew. Many were, very prosaic and one could even say dull! Despite any small and awkward efforts to the contrary, I was not destined to be a  BWOC or the life of any soririty or party set! The Honor Dorm had its share of that type but many of us were not. You had to have a good grade average and be thought well of as far as your behavior, at least what was known! Some did have steady boyfriends and some did not. Some took advantage of teh laxer hours and allowance to come late and ring the door bell for Carol Ann or another 'inmate' to let you in. The prior year I might have but did not avail myself of that  this time. I had my fun elsewhere. 

March 11, 1968 Monday

Old blues bug bit me again. The result of a dreary weekend, I guess and about 'curse time' too.But really I got quite a bit done. The aqua skirt and the lavender/lilac outfit plus the bra of my pink bathing suit. A few small problems with the shorts but I think I can work them out. Have all my lessons for today and my retyped letter ready to show Dr Downum. And it's ridic to dread the little interview becasue he is just so nice. So I am really sitting pretty and should feel fine. Now shape up, girl. I've even got a rid to Phoenix for $1.00 if I want to to. Betty is going down. Think I'll go even if I have to rent my own room and entertain myself! Another weekend up here and I will be fit for 24h and Van Buren myself--unless the weather is nicer. t's ugly this morning, a miserable howling north wind--yech. Almost time to trot off to class. Will type on Cindy when I get back unless there is some urgent mail to answer. Have a bussy day ahead which is realy good, beleive me. The miseries shouild hit tomorrow or Wednesday and then after being miserable for a few hours, I should feel much better Maybe I should try Midol? But I do not have much faith in that. 

Later, just got back from lunch  Saw Ray, who came to talk to Phil,  but neither were with the regular crowd. Oh, just  let that go. Dusty, you were tender and good to me but you put me on the wrong path. I telepahically warned you last fall.I told you just what would happen and it surely did. Dale is not realy right for me but I won't break up with him because I have to have somebody. And when he puts me down, I'll be another rung down the ladder. But if you don't reach out and snatch at any pleasures that go by, where are you? High and dry and lonely. I've been there too. I usedto have such high ideals and tehy h ave all crumbled. It's a very old worn out story and no one wants to hear it, "the $10 bill with time." Any two bit mattress back can get married. Even I could if I crowded it, probably. If I squalled loud enough and fussed llong enough, But where would I be then? Down inside way deep I'm stil the damn fool child beliveing in fairy tailes , Santa Clause, all the other but it's encased in a very uninncent body. a 'fallen angel's as it were. Not that there is anything unusal about that today but still...I'm afraid my 'dream prince' wouldn't want me this way and it is too late to undo the damage. Now, who'll miss another slice out of the cake? But I know and it marks me. Damn Victorian morals,  go back to your cage and shut up bitching at me.

Mar 14, 1968 Thursday

Here I am on Thursday. The time goes by so fast.  Yesterday I drew an almostl ife-like portrait of ray. It came out very good. Stil not quite sure hoiw I was given a copy of his picture; mayabe a school one?  I went back and liad out athe proportions, roguhh scketched and then finished and colored some.What a waste of time--really. Old habit of sorts maybe. Ceating a make-believe image from nothing liekk old pen pals..

I got a three on my Finance test. Yech. I am really doing kind of badly.I've got to get on the stick. It was 77/100, a "high" three but still. I know I can do better and I must. I've somehow got to quit mooning and sober up to work. But with Dusty, Dale and yeah, Ray, on my mind, wondering  what to do this summer and worries on and on, it isn't a bit easy. 

March 16, 1968 Saturday

Here I am alone on another Saturday night. But I'm not too upset about it. I wasn't sure about going to Phoenix anyway and next weekend I had better not according to my caendar.  Got my two assignments for Monday done at least. Made a coupl of collages out of pictures from Playboy and loafed away the day. I have along list of things I was suppsoed todo this weekend butI am not too swift at getting them done. Well, what the %^&&%^! It's only 4:30 and I had a god nap this afternoon so I really should be good for quite awhile yet. I think I'll cut oout some mmore sewing projects and then type some on Cindy. Tomorrow I have to study  some and if the weatehr isn't too ubly I guess I'll go hiking out the east rail and see how many car numbers and photos I can get. Have rather neglected that avocation lately.  Stayed up until 2:00 last night reading after going out with Miichal Ann and Obu (A Black guy whose girlfriend knows Michal Ann) in the girl's VW. She was coming in on a bus. That Obu is a character--I could not beleive him and his legal conflicts if I hadn't lived with The Boss. Gawd, what a kook.  Hell, it's hoit in here. I think I'll open my door for awhile. On the second floor there is not much going on to close away. 

 Pictures: My "Art" effort --I had not done a portrait for awhile, not since one of Dusty so compare? Oddly I never did one of Dale and in retrospect no poems or even sketches. I guess that was significant. Sorry the one of Dusty did not come across well--it is slightly too light.

Mempoir Monday, March 9, 1968

 In between the 'adventures',the weeks could be monotonous and the old depression would still try to sneak in and mess with me. I'd been in college long enough now that it was not a big exciting challenge anymore. I knew I needed to study more and better but many times that was hard, finding the discipline and the ambition for it. What was I going to do when this was all over? I often felt I was waiting for the 'right' someone to come along so I could recreate my plans and shape them to work with his. I was still so used to being the shadow, the chameleon who changed to 'fit in' and the new persona I'd been trying to build was not the best fit--I soon began to see and feel that. So what was  there?  The solo room was not helping me at this point. I had nobody to bounce ideas off and to urge me to go here or there, do this or that, and simply to laugh and tease a bit about some guy or some other silliness.

March 4, 1968 Monday

I hadn't expected it but I had a good time down in the Valley. BTW, arrel Stone isn't my type.  Nancy has moved up to her lot now and Buzzie and Leo are in their corrals. Both were feisty. We went riding for about two hours. I rode Leo but first gave Buzzie about a twn minute 'what for' to calm her down,  Nancy wants me to come down often and help her try to keep them in line. Her kids are all crazy about me. They are cute but kind of little brats. Saw Kit Lewis and she said Lyno is fine and they do think she is in foal. Jim D is trying to sell Chief and said he'd split with me. That is okay. I wll write to the ApHC for a transfer form. I can forge a signature for it easily. 

I got letters from Mom and the Boss today. I was surpised at the Boss; he is really playing it cool. Eitere he is thinking a little differently of faking it. All he wants me to do is photocopy some data for him. I can do that safely enough at the Library.  Went shopping this afternoon and go somemore sewing supplie. I am going to make a bathing suit or even two. Then I will et a cool tan this summer. Still nothing from Dale. I am goign to scratch him PDQ if he does not get with it.. Really. In another day or two I really will write or try to call Dusty. Maybe a vain effort but still...

Saturday night I went to see Colleen. She is now more or less going with Doug Marcom who was in my advanced Comp class. He is a Mormon and she is going to chruch with him. That really tickled me.  I am getting less religious by the day, and not even ashamed. I will xerox a few pages out of the dance books and try to practice some. I've decided that dancing could be loads of fun. I'll just sa how I was raised in a real strict home and have just busted out and am eager to learn all about 'sin'. After dinner I've got to et busy. My room resembles a pig sty and I've got lessons to do and letters to write. I am running myself to death these days but I hardly daer to be quiet and just think. And it all began with Bud Smith on Jan 20. Ther is this guy in Finance who looks like Bud. I am going to try todo a portrait. Maybe I can set up a rogue's gallery to decorate y apartment--I do ntend to live off campus soon, maye this summer.  Widh Judy and Mary would write. Nobody loves me anymore. Guess I'll have ato remind them as tehya er both probably busy. But so am I and I still find time to write to my friends.

March 6, Wednesday

I had breakfast with JoANN and Edna today (the elderly lady from Winslow). Big ray came tromping in and waved gravely fist to JoAnn and tehn to me. It's cure the way he dos it, very formal and old-worldly. But went on out with JoAnn though he had sat right across.  I came back to the dorm after classes and got my sheets to change when I went for mail. I had felt I would hear from Dale and I did Andalso from Charlie Mike. I answered both letters promptly. Got my Mktg case turned in and got 79 on my accounting test (making the top 45/50 on myMktg quiz. Hated the damp drizzy weateher. This evening I finish typing chapter 5 of Condy, set my houron the desk rearrangem y room some and think I have finally found the best possible arrangement. 

Tomorrow I've got toget some books from teh libarary for my research projects, see Dr. Downum, an

d make the Booss's copies. I just feel soo damend tired but I do feel generally a little better moodwise anyway. 

March 7, Thursday

Weid dream about Ray whenre I was back adealing with sick animals and such shoit. Hate those. Why he was there I am not sure. I am alays dreaing of Dusy \t. That has gone on for years. Dale is not that much a part of y subconscious yet. Hemay never be in which case I guess I've got no business leading him on. But hell, aperson has got to have som fun. IUNless I got PG or gegt VD, I am not paying much of a price, really.. I can't get into Ray, really and that is why I am haning onto Dale. "Don't you need soembody to Llove. Better find somebody to love," as the Airplane sings. 

March 8, 1968 Friday

It was snowing and ugly but I thought it was a pretty cool day. I wore sunny yellow and was brightand cheery..Had a bti of very casual conversation wth Ray as the group he was near left and we were then sitting along at a table. I am not sure if he wanted to leave or not!I did note his hands are neat and nails clean etc but his eyes fascinate me the most. Odd gray and changeable.   The finance test was bad news on roller skates . I should have recalled he asked  sneeky questions Well, maybe I got 75%.  I wasn't too bothered. My attitude is so bad, I'll probably get all 2s and 3s this semester! This evening I ironed and cut some fabric and ansered the letter I got from Mary today, Will answer Judy's tomorrow. Had to slog clear uptown in the rain/snow to get a stamp--it was postage due! Otherise it was just a day that passed. As I hope to do on my classes... 

Pictures. It was a joy to me to see Buzzie and Leo and know they were healthy and well loved. Nancy Shellman and her husband Don were great follks. The horses had good care for several years and eventually Buzzie had a colt by Leo.

 

 

Memoir Monday, March 2, 1968

 Suddenly February was over and March marched in, its normal mix of weather and also of  events and adventures that were suddenly running wildy through my 'new' version of life. If my narrative seems disjointed and I might appear to be floundering a bit, my excuse is how hard it was to reinvent myself in this totally new environment I had landed in, with little preparation or warning. I felt a lot of Wow and a lot of Whoa! So let's go back to the weekend I anticipated at the end of the last week's tale. WARNING!! The next passage is semi x-rated and a tell-tale that in time I would go on to write steamy romance!! Warning II, this week's report is going to be *very* long so feel free to skim or skip anything,  including just scroll past!

Feb 25, Sunday

Well, it was a short weekend but cool, really cool. I left Flag Friday afternoon as scheduled and got to Phoenix just a little early. Dale and his bud Delbert came in and found me sitting in the depot feeling just a little lost.  Del drove us to the motel--the Flamingo,(one of the old Phoenix classics; I saw it in Az Highways recently!) at 24th and Van Buren.  For just a moment that address gave me the shudders but I got over it. Our room was 296. For a minute or two,  we were strangers . He asked if I was hungry and I said no. Then he took me in his arms and everything else faded into nothingness 'til morning--late morning. We got up, had breakfast and went walking, looking for a bathing cap for me and flip-flops for him because of the pool rules. We spent a couple of hours in and around the pool and then went up to the room and had hamburgers sent up. We ate them and made love again and he slept while I watched TV and doodled. We finally got up fairly late, bathed, dressed and and went out. Had a good Mexican dinner and then went to Harry's Capri, a nearby night spot where they had live western style music. Dale had a couple of beers and I sipped a Tom Collins (knew to keep it light now) and we danced a few slow ones. I was not a dancer but just shut my eyes and let him move me around. That was fun. We finally went back 'home' to the room and to bed. He sleeps like a rock once he sacks out. Me not so much. We finally woke up this morning and "did it" once more (seven times in 36 hours!?!), both of us tired and sore but too crazy to know when to quit. Too soon it was 3:00. We walked to the bus station where he kissed me and put me on the bus for Flagstaff. 

I'm of mixed emotions, part of me says "Huh-unh" but another reaches out to him. He's been hurt so deeply, probably quite a bit his own fault, but he is so very like Dusty, though still just himself. Not really good looking at all, but he knows how to turn me on, really on. Kiss and nibble until I am writhing and whimpering and then he takes me and I melt apart and swear I'd die if the beautiful pain went any deeper and I'd die if he stopped. I scratch a bit and bite his shoulder and then it is over. He lays still  for a long minute and then pulls away from me and I lie there limp and boneless and utterly content for awhile and then I am ready to start over again.  I do not worry now that I am cold or even feel I warm up slow anymore!! Maybe I should be ashamed and way back in a couple of musty little Victorian corners, I am. But mostly I am not and really can't see why I should be!! When "next time" will be remains to be seen but at least he is not as patient or as overworked as Dusty. The similarities are why I have named him "Smoky." I almost love him but not quite. Something is missing and I can't quite decide what. That troubles me. 

Feb 26, Monday

Guess who called me about 10:30 last night! The Boss. He is out of 'jail' and in California now, released into Uncle Dan's "Custody" so I was in no danger of running  into him over the weekend! I am kind of dragged out today but not bad all considered. I've got some sore muscles but other than that I'm fine, ready to roll again...that is a pun, by the way!

I ignored Big Ray at the cafeteria as he's old news. Dale couldn't stand much more kicking around. (How about me, I could ask but I think I just may be tougher than he is in some ways.) Females really are the stronger sex when it comes to real fortitude but they can sure be bitchy wicked. Don't I know. I may owe the male sex a kick or two but I'm not going to take that out on somebody like Dale. Don't knock it if you rock it, doll. (Or if it rocks you?) I need a longhorn. It's my first today . Dale smoked up a pack and a half of mine along with his PallMalls but he bought me a pack and showed me a good enough time that I'm sure not bitchin' about it. I don't want to get too lost over him, but he's got to see that all girls are not like "Noni" and "Peggy" (some bad ex's). Maybe I can love it up but I am no mattress back or throat slicing tw*t either. I play it very straight. As long as a guy wants me and treats me fair, I'm his girl and when it's over I may cry but I won't go mean on him. Still I keep hoping that I will get a real keeper someday and into double harness for keeps. But I won't vegetate until then. 

Dusty is always specal because he was my true first and in many ways I owe him my life. I did promise and meant it. He was both my first love and first lover and has parts of me no one else ever can.  I am still not sure why he faded out when and how he did. I may still go over to Kingman but ... I plan to go down to Nancy's (Shellman) on Sunday if I get my work caught up some. I want to see how Buzz and Leo are coming along.

 Feb 28, Wednesday

Still haven't hard from Dale--maybe tomorrow. It was windy ugly today. At noon Big Ray came in with this gal they call Hilda. She looks like a central Euroopean peasant--not a typical college girl for sure. I can't figure out now if they are secretly married (she does not wear a ring), shacked up, going steady or even related?  Shaking head. I got my posters that I'd entirely given up on and they are really cool. Clark Gable is something else (GWTW role)\ and Steve McQueen on a motor cycle!. What more could I ask for?  I sort of frittered the evening away. I really am tired so maybe I'll try to go to bed early for a change. Only two classes tomorrow so that  is a relief.

I rough-finished "The Rebellion" tonight (story I was writing) and I really like it,. I want Mike Johnson to read it and comment but may not have that opportunity. He was my last semseter's English teacher. Got another chapter of Cindy done, too, That makes four out of sixteen, 40 pages so far. I think I can finish it by Easter. Tomorrow I've got to concentrate on roughing out my formal case for Marketng, Have no other assignments for Friday so that helps. I'll spend the evening in the library. Get that done and check out my first round of books for papers--several to be done. The letter of proposal is due Tuesday; will discuss it more tomorrow. 

March 1, Fruiday

In like a lamb? It was a beautiful day. I felt  "pretty' but saw no one important. BTW, Ray and Hilda are not married,but they are engaged and getting married in June. I get the feeling it is a sort of arranged family thing. The Polasky's are Polish but whether long term citizens I have no idea. Have not heard from Dale and I am about to get ticked. If he hasn't written by tomorrow... He is getting me spoiled. I often waited weeks to hear from Dusty. I am still tempted to jaunt over to Kingman and find if he is still around there.. I have sure gotten immoral lately, drinking, smoking, free-loving...so I could be daring. 

Tomorrow I've got to get to work, seriously, most of the day to earn the privilege of going to Cottonwood on Sunday. I am wondering about Stone--a new driver I heard mentioned. He is probably older than Louie (that's impossible!) but I do have this thing about bus drivers. I wrote to the folks today and rather laid down the law, but I tried to be diplomatic about it, Geez, if they knew what all I've been up to, wouldn't they flip? Basically that is why I'm doing it, I guess., Rebellion. I'll have to send them my story, too. I don't know if they will like it but they should read it,

Tonight I'm kind of sitting easy. Nearly everyone is gone and the dorm is spooky quiet. A week ago I was almost to Phoenix. "By the time I get to Phoenix..."  Sorry,  that will have to wait for awhile. I'm going to have to go to work this summer or i will run out of funds, probably. Well, it will be good for me . I kind of intended to anyway. I'll probably try waitressing, That is one way to meet poeple and meeting people is important, especially male people.  Made up my strawberry print muu-muus tongiht. One long and one short to go over pants or a bathing suit,. I really think I'll try to make a bathing suit, I'll hunt for patterns if I go on a little shopping jaunt tomorrow. I have to take a bit of a break sometimes.  I may go to hear the 5th Dimention tomorrow night. I think it would be a good show. "So I just dropped in to see what condition my condition is in.  I've been "out" for awhile,.

'Splains?  That 24th and Van Buren address--that was the state mental hospital which had baeen a sort of joke for years in my set. That was where Dad was sent in lieu of prison for assault  with a deadly weapon.  He was always angry and offended about it but Dr Joe Hudson and Uncle Dan did him a huge favor to get that plea!  A felony record would been much worse. "The Rebellion" was a story I wrote--not quite but maybe leaning toward literary fiction.  I may put it on this blog before long--it was not pretty but I was not thinking too pretty about then.

Pictures? I actually looked on line and that old motel site was closed years ago and there was later a Flamingo Airporter at the same location but it is closed too. Right now I cannot find the Az Highways issue that had a shot of it along with other historical motels and are resorts in Phoenix--50-60 years ago!  Van Buren then was kind of an analog of Tucson's Miracle Mile. So what else might do? I am at a loss!! Just for tax, a few old ones used before will do. The one of me was at my apartment a few months later. And busses--a key element for a fwe months. 

 

Monday Memoir Feb 23, 1968

 Juggling student-ing and social life, mostly a new commodity for me. Remember,I had hardly dated at all before I left home September '66 and the prior year, I limited 'going out' to the times Dusty could get to Flagstaff and spend an evening with me. All at once a new world flung a wide door open and let me in! 

So I started this week with the Saturday after the Thursday I ended with last week. (Whatever happened to the system  of just the day that  matched the current date in --now 2026?) Well,  in part I did not keep a neat day by day record any longer and it would be so lacking in 'story' and continuity to do it that way. Is the "story" worthwhile? Does anyone really care to follow it? Looking back, it is so 20th Century and not near the end at that! I was such a weird misfit and confusicated soul, too. I am sure there were others who suffered the same malaise but with different symptoms and manifestations. Maybe it will shine a slight light for someone to show no, you truly are not alone out of step in a happy, well adjusted world! Perhaps more of us are "weird" than we ever know.

Feb 17, 1968 Saturday

Got a letter from Judy and one from Dale. That made my day. I got through classes ok and didn't feel too bad even getting 'the curse' in just 23 days. It is better early than late usually. Got up about 7:45 today and have gotten quite a few little chores done. I'll have to do more homework tomorrow though. Today I read Finance (new class this semester) and wrote letters, sorted my summer clothes and that is about it. Got my laundry done too. Tomorrow I have to do my Accounting and Marketing , maybe sew some and get beautified for the week.  I may take a walk and number the yard if the weather stays okay. I've got a big bag  of stuff for the Goodwill Drop Box. Get it out quick before I change my mind! I borrowed Betty's record of "Love Is Blue" and played it at least ten times this evening. It is so pretty! I think I will try to get the LP by Murriat's orchestra.  I have shaken my glooms pretty well. Tuesday I am going to the dentist My whole jaw will rot out if I do not do something right way. It is dumb to let it go. Re-read a bunch of my efforts at fiction writing,. I am trying to develop a style; right now I have three or four, my "Cindy" style, my "essay" style, my "true story" style and and my new (literary?) fiction style. Maybe they all have their points.

Feb 19, 1968 Monday

Happy birthday. Mom. But I am ticked at you sort of--you haven't thanked me for your gift and card or retunred my writing. Sitting on the Dorm Lobby desk this evening, I watched eeh couples come and go and felt such an ache of wanting to belong to somebody. But I do now, I guess. He seems to think so and I'll get used to it soon. Belonging to somebody is a funny sort of thing, really. It has long been a major wish or even need  of mine though.  I have felt alone for so long, partly by choice and partly by circumstances. Belonging to Dusty was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me and now Dustyh has come back to me in just a little different package. I'll get used to the idea soon; I know I will. Now Dale aka Smoky, claims to have a confession . I still remember Dusty's. It was so serious to him but did not matter to me at all, the adoption matter. One's first love is always beautiful, I guess. After that if may be more real or realistic and many other things but never quite the same magic. But I had a 'story book' romance, anyway. Someday I'll write it and share it with other lonely, sad girls.

It looks like all systems go for the weekend and I should be delighted. Conscience at this point? But that is ridic! He is a total free agent. Quite possibly that is the uneasiness. I do believe that I am subconsciously deathly afraid of marriage or any permanent attachment and at the same time afraid of being rejected. Of course worried about the dentist too. My mouth tastes rotten and probably smells like a sewer. I'll be lucky not to lose more than just a couple of bad teeth. Coward and procrastinator-are us. 

I'd almost rather keep that '8' (incomplete) in Accounting than take the 3 but I earned it and it is one more step towward my degree. A 3 is really no badge of shame; it is just average! Who am I to be too good for "average"?  I am really more ticked about the 2 from Struass, the nasty old geezer.  I will never take another class from him. ((Famous last words; there were several in time and I even got a 1 once or twice.) 

It just might be cool to get married and go a little slower than to finish school in three years Of course with my luck I'll get PG first thing.  \ I may anyhow and proably won't get married unless I do. I should try the pill or some contraceptive, anyway.  And I made four 1s anyway and that is darn good under the horrid circumstances. Really Bud screwed me up on Govt and Accounting, literally,  But I had the last laugh-- maybe? 

Feb 23, 1968  Friday

Gee I have had such a time of it lately. Had a tooth out yesterday and it wasn't bad but I am not too impressed with Dr. McEuen. Must have the other out soon and it is going to leave an awfully big hole . I really will need a bridge--just another expense and nuisance. Then I broke my glasses frames. There went $9.26 to Mesa Optical tis morning for a new pair. I feel like a pawnshop window now.  They are all glittery.  Got quite a bit of mail this morning. Leters from Mom, Charlie Mike, Judy and H.P. O'Leary (ATSF official) Seems like everyobdy is in for a wild weekend. I imagine my prvate party will swing pretty well too. If anybody wants to know, it is the wedding anniversary of this couple I knew in high school.  Her brother, an old flame of mine, just ended a 3 year hitch in the Marines. My story and I stick with it!

So pictures? Well, which is the most accurate version of "me",  the cowboy girl or the coed, soon to be an office girl? (I was going for an interview in this shot..) Or were they both wrong or both right? Sometimes I do not know... I've never been just one person, not ever. 

Monday Memoir, February 16, 1968

 So I was now "Dale's girl" but I was also determined to make a better job of this semester than I had the previous one. In some ways I did succeed but I also came to point of needing to make choices for some changes. However that is a tale for the late spring and summer so for now, what is happening in the short term? 

Feb 12, 1968  Mon

Another Monday and I am beginning to fit into a routine. It doesn't take too long once my mind is made up. I knew some things were necessary and I pulled up my socks and went to work. I really got quite a bit done and over a weekend, too.

I cleaned the room including mopping the floor, sorted clothes (you should see the Goodwill bags!) did some sewing etc. I made a skirt from my dear old corderoy jumper and it came out really cute. It will be sharp with my new shirt, the rose print one and a sweater set I have. Today I typed six pages on "Cindy". I'd like to have it done by Easter so I can take it to Judy's. I'm afraid I slightly neglected my studies, though. That I cannot afford to do. I got a letter from Dale on Saturday. I'd been about ready to give up. I guess I lack cnfidence. 

Big Ray is definitely back. This morning with only a moustache and his Cossack cap, he was trying to look like Dr Zhivago. But he is nothing to me now, really never was. He is an overgrown boy who hasn't found himself and has to keep playing roles in that search.  I am tired so off to bed soon. I can be a bit more leisurely in the morning though with  no eight o'clock class. Tomorrow I begin the night class and Wednesday I'll see about  the writer's club. The weather was yuck today, half snow and half rain and wholly miserable. I am ready for spring but it comes late to the high country.

Feb 13, 1968  Tues

What a day to have a night class. It is snowing, cold, wet and drippily miserable. Darn Ray and his wierd gray eyes. When Michal Ann and I went to dinner he was sitting with Phil Jenson (the other forester I call "Richard Burton";  there is areal  resemblence) and I think they are living together now off campus. Well that is neither here nor there. I've got Dale in Phoenix and he is not quite in the same boat Dusty was last year. But there is no harm in looking, It is safer than talking which is safer than touching etc. Will have to write Charlie Mike directly. I finished Ch 1 of Cindy today, fourteen lovely pages in two days. Well, not really lovely but thank heaven for ezyerace paper!!

Feb 15, 1968 Thurs 

Didn't see Ray today nor did I hear from Dale. (planned weekend?)  I didn't go hear Glenn Yarborough either although I could have and kind of wanted to. Really did not feel like it. My sore tooth is acting up again. It is really rotten and I have got to have it out. Will see to that soon. Am tired and lazy with the PMS type week-before blues. It is not as bad as sometimes though since I am not especially "love starved." I wish I would get rid of these damn mood swings and cramps. I finished my blouse and the purple pants today. The pants fit cool. Also got through Chap 2 of Cindy, roughly 1/8th done in less than a week. I am so proud. Tomorrow is a Friday. I only had one class today which made me lazy. Went up town for a few odds and ends and exchanged my typewriter ribbon actually without a qualm. I'm coming along famously on my poise and brass! 

Of course it rather stretches me to talk to someone like Dr McFarlane but I  need to be stretched and I damn well know it--even if it pinches a little. But I don't think I'd enjoy sleeping with a guy I have to stretch for. I couldn't give myself freely and relax. But I might try it sometime. Occasionally I deplore my low taste (?) in men but the 'classy' ones drink and screw about the same way. So why bother? May as well be comfy and enjoy it. It is supposed to be 'fun'. Without Dusty for the first, Bud would have killed me and Dale (now  called  "Smoky") would have absolutely blown my mind. Of course a bed is a darn sight better than the back area of a VW bug! I'd like to have another chance with Dusty in a king sized bed with music and maybe just one drink apiece.  I have picked up quite a bit of savvy in "seven short lessons" from a couple of highway  cassanovas! It is good to be 'with it' again anyway. I was really turned off all fall. Everyone can almost see the difference in me now. . Maybe I am too much on the prowl but I don't think so...

Pictures. Not mine. But just to think about! A bug and a bed--and no bedbugs LOL The rear seat in the Beetle would fold down and make a flat baggage or storage area. Not a lot of room. Don't ask. And a  typical motel bed??  Last-the jumper I remade. It was high-waisted, empire waist and snug through the middle then flared into a multi-gored skirt. I did love it though it was kind of olive green hue normally not a fave color.

Memoir Monday, Feb 9, 1968

 Changing horses--or 'heroes' mid-stream in a quick switch . Bud effectively vanished on January 30 and on February 7, I began a  new relationship that proved to be of a bit longer duration. Dale reappeared. For a few days I did not make a lot of journal entries but later collected a few notes and scribbles and used them to build a bit of continuity.

Feb 7, 1968  Wednesday

Notes on the past week. Tuesday morning I took my MKTG test and then was finished. It was awhile before I knew the results of the finals. They were quite a lot good, a bit bad and not too ugly. I can't for the life of me recall much about Tuesday and Wednesday. I sewed and loafed mostly, I think. Thursday was Registration and that went smoothly, all classes scheduled, checks arrived and most fees paid.  Then Dale came about 11:00.  As of now, I am Dale's girl. Surprised?  We had a snack at Yiya's  and then departed Flagstaff  by bus for Phoenix. There he had use of a car from a roommate or friend; I think several drivers and ex-drivers shared a houise. We went to a drive in movie and did what people usually do at drive-ins--kind of watched the movie and made out. I'd seen Hell's Angels on Wheels before  anyway. Then we took a room in a motel and made love all night. This guy is something else. Leaves Bud in the shade? Well-- nobody has turned me on like this before. He is slightly rough but I can take it  now. Maybe Bud kind of prepared \me? 

Friday morning we drove and had breakfast and then I found I couldn't go on Continental so we dashed over the Greyhound and I was off to Tucson for the expected weekend with Mary. I really had a weird feeling of living two lives because Mary and her folks are so different from Dale and his world. She was ill with a quick virus and they had tried to call and stop me but I had already left.  We still had a cool time. Mr Davenport is so neat! He reminds me of Dr Joe Hudson and is quite charming. I went riding with him on the foothills place he and Mrs Davenport are caretakers for and even out to dinner. Then I went to classes with Mary on Monday and Tuesday  We took in a good movie and talked for hours! She is going to try to come up for summer school and then I will see about transferring to UofA next fall. The bus trip back was a drag.  I left Tucson at 2:00 and sat with a funny little cowboy truck driver who had been hurt at his uncle's ranch in Duncan and was going to a VA hopsital in California. At Phoenix, Honor Dorm gals Kelsie, Florence and another were going back up. We were 'treated' to a grand tour of central  Arizona and eventually got back to Flag at 11:00 pm.! There had been a train wreck and several Santa Fe guys from Glendale on short call rode up to Ashfork. Not sure where they went from there. 

And so classes began again today. I think I may enjoy this semester. I got a 2 from Strauss (Govt) drat. That gives me 1.58 for the semester(?) and  a grand total of  1.27 for 64 hours. It could be worse but I am disappointed. Better luck next time.  Dale said he'd write and I hope he does but I am not up to trekking to Phoenix again this weekend. I'll loaf this one   and I owe Nancy S another visit soon. Then it may be Dale's turn again.  Not that I am not eager but I should not be too eager. I also have to watch the calendar; possible sterility is not enough to be sure and safe andn o pills for this gal..

Feb 8, 1968 Thursday

Guess who is back. He walked into the feedlot this morning big as life and twice as ugly with a beard and a Cossack hat. He followed me up to ditch trays and I stopped at the cig machine for a pack of Marlboros. and greeted Kelsie who was coming down the line. He passed me and got a pack himself. I did not see what.   I am going to try to ignore him, if Dale does not desert me too long  I am the only gal in Report writing, wouldn't you know it. I think it will be fun, though. I have an idea I am going to be writing my arm off this semester but I don't mind that. I wrote Mom and Charlie Mike today, a few more letters to get out. I'm going to keep really busy plus have some swingin' times. I am all enthused about everything. If I can just keep that frame of mind, I will be fine. Now and then I wonder about getting in with 'wild company' but the profs and all do parties just as much as the bourgoise and even the more "plebian" set. So--take your pick, no? Must run to Knox's class. Hasta.  BTW, the returnee was Ray, the forester, in case it is not clear!) 

FWIW I got the following semester grades: Interim Acct--3; Advanced Comp--;1; Beginning Psych--1; American Govt--2; Data Processing--1; and Intro Marketing-1.  The Accounting was from blowing that damn final and the Govt partly as well. Thank you dumb me. And I was not going to get upset, I said. Infamous last words.

An ironic note: The guy who hit the young mares and his wife were both former MUHS classmates but I recall almost nothing about them. The irony is that about this time I learned some non-friends in the valley were urging the widow to file a wrongful death suit agaist ME!! Whoa. He was driving on a back road and clearly too fast for the hazardous conditions right after a unprecedented storm. He may have been intoxicated; I never saw the accident report. But why was he alone, apparently at night, when most roads were barely passable? I guess the pasture owner was 'guilty' too for not having made a fence to handle three feet of snow. Well, I had lost two valuable animals, ordinarily worth at least $500 for the two, one registerered Quarter Horse and the other from a grade Arabian mare by a registered Appaloose stallion. So why go after me who was 100s of miles away when it happened? But this is an example of how I was sometimes treated, perhaps adversely impacted by the toxic behavior of my male parent.A post or two back, I mentioned getting the subpoena. Well, I will name a name this time. It was initiated  by Bud Lindner. Why me, just since my dad was at the time out of reach being confined in the state mental hospital? What had I ever done to harm Mr Lindner??  Yes, I am bitter in some ways and feel wronged unjustly. The family was so hated; and that was ...a sad harsh punishment on all of us.  Of course it is old news but I never fully forgot.  I can't. 

Pictures? How about a cowboy girl morphed into coed and then trying to cosplay a swinging 60s 'glamor' girl?? LOL. I have few pix of me and no selfies at this stage so a random two or three. First is before college in a dress I made, still rather demure. Next was visiting in San Lorenzo NM when the folks were there late fall 1968 and finally one I  have never made public before from Colorado. It was 1974 getting some sun after a long winter turning pale.For spits and giggles? Very much!! I was then about 31 but still staying slim. Go ahead and laugh! I do every time I see it!

 

Memoir Monday, Feb 2, 1968

 Monday Memoir Feb 2, 1968

 Jan 27, 1968 ( starts with notes from jumbled  thoughts, not a journal entry right here) 

For the moment, I was rhapsodizing about my new ‘boyfriend’ and sliding dangerously into an emotional attachment that I *knew* was unwise, even hazardous. In most ways I was just playing make believe and yes, settling for not even second best but much less than that. The seductive illusion of being appreciated, enjoyed, valued, belonging… It did not take long to pop that balloon and the next year or so I avoided even starting to go there. And thankfully that was doable.

I called Bud “Beau” for the southern feeling. He was at the end of a dying relationship and it was not going well; I never knew any details, just felt it was sad. .I wrote "He is so sweet and such a monster all rolled into one. Russet leather hair and very blue eyes, beautiful teeth; conceited and shy, rough and gentle a carefree little boy and a  burdened hurt man. All rolled into one."  Yes I was going way too fast and should have or maybe even did know better. It was so sudden and I had really not nearly put myself back together and found firm ground again yet  Then a  few days passed when I was back full time studenting and waiting to see where I’d go next.  My little unexpected dream was on the edge of destruction and it happened quickly--like boom and crash.

Jan 29, 1968 Monday

Short and sweet, huh? When I made my mistake was Saturday morning going up and waking him when he was hung over. I should not have done that, should I? Because he was not terribly nice and what’s more I fell in the snow and ice, bruising my knee and tearing my tights and then screwed up my accounting test because I was all upset. Saturday was not my day.

So Sunday, in spite of the snow, I hitched a ride with Old Louie, all the way down to Phoenix. It was lovely down there. I walked in the sunshine and then waited at the depot and saw my ‘ero come in on the 5-Star. He did not see me until I passed him on my way from the restroom. I am still not sure if he was pleased or ticked. It was a long ride back, just the two of us from Prescott on. We talked but after Cottonwood it seemed to go awry and just fizzled so I walked away from the depot alone. This evening he called to inform me that he was leaving for Los Angeles--on the road now with the guy who had the red car--I think. for a change of area he had asked for?  So that is over. Well, it was fun in a crazy way.

I think I did fair in my DAPR test. I’m getting ones in English and Psych anyway. That makes me feel better. Then Nancy C (the phonograph girl) and I went to see “The Ambushers” with Dean Martin. It was really cool. And I just had this perfectly wicked idea--how would I do as a 5 Star hostess?  I think I will inquire directly. 

A little ‘splaining. In the manner, of the airlines and their attendants, Continental started a class of "upscale" busses with a few more amenities which they called the 5 Star Busses. . One of the specials was an on-board hostess. I am not sure how long that went on but I did consider it as a temporary career. I lost interest soon because they had stricter rules than the airlines. Darn near a convent life! No hanky panky, very strict height, weight and grooming rules and of course no “fraternization” with passengers or drivers, and quartered in much worse and more restricted  dorms than old NAU's worst.  Oh on, not for this gal.  

Illustrations here, not my photos. :  Driver and hostess loading a bus and the big  Continentals of 1968-69. The 5 Stars were a bit higher than the regular ones.