Monday Memoir Feb 23, 1968

 Juggling student-ing and social life, mostly a new commodity for me. Remember,I had hardly dated at all before I left home September '66 and the prior year, I limited 'going out' to the times Dusty could get to Flagstaff and spend an evening with me. All at once a new world flung open a wide door and let me in! 

So I started this week with the Saturday after theThursday I ended with last week. (Whatever happened to the system  of just the day that  matched the current date in --now 2026.?) Well in part I did not keep a neat day by day record any longer and it would be so lacking in 'story' and continuity to do it that way. Is the story wiorthwhile? Does anyone care to really follow it? Looking back it is so 20th Century and not nearthe  end at that! I was such a weird misfit and confusicated soul, too. I am sure there were others who suffered the same malaise but with different symptoms and manifestations. Maybe it will shine a slight light for some to show no,you truly are not alone in a happy, well adjusted world! Perhaps more of us are "weird" than we ever know.

Feb 17, 1968 Saturday

Got a letter from Judy and one from Dale. Thar made my day. I got through classes ok and didn't feel too bad even getting 'the curse' in jusrt 23 days. It is better early than late usually. Got up about 7:45 today and have gotten quite a few little chores done. I'll have to do more homework tomorrow though. Today I read Finance (new class this semester) and wrote letters, sorted my summer clothes and that is about it. Got my laundry done too. Tomorrow I have to do my Accounting and Marketing , mayb e sew some and get beautified for the week.  I may take a walk and number the yard if the weatehr stays okay> I've got a big bag  of stuff for teh Goodwill Drop Box. Getit out quickk before I hcange my mind! I borrowed Betty's recorfd of "Love IS Blue" and played it at least ten times this evening. It is so pretty! I think I wil try to get teh LP by Murriat's orchestra.  I have shaken my glooms pretty well. Tuesday I am going to the dentist My wholde jaw will rot out if I do not do something right way. It is dumb to let it go.  Re-read a bunch of my writing,. I am trying to develop a style; right now I have three or four, my "Cindy" style, my "essay" style, my "true story" style and and my new fiction style. Maybe they all have their points.

Feb 19, 1968 Monday

Happy birthday. Mom. But I am ticked at you sort of--you haven't thanked me for your gift and card or retunred my writing. Sitting on the Lobby desk this evening, I watched teh couples come and go and felt such an ache of wantingn to belong to somebody. But I do n ow, I ugess. He seems to think so and I'll get used to it son. Belongignt o somebody is a funny sorto f thing, really. It has long abeen a major need of mine though I have felt alone for so long, partly by choice and partly by circumstances. Belongign to Dusty was one of the greatest things that has ever ahppneed to me and now Dustyh as come back tom e in just a a little different package. I'll get used to the idea soon; I know I will. Now Dale aka Smoky, claims to have a confession . I astill remember Dusty's. it was so serious to him but did not matter to me at all, the adoption matter. One's first love is always beautiful, I guess. After that if may be more real or realistic and many other things butn ever quite teh same magic. But I had a 'story book' romancey, anywya. SOmeday I'll write it and share it with other lonely, sad girls.

It looks like all systems go for the weekend and I should be delighted. Conscience at this point? But t\hat is ridic! He is a total free agent. Quite possibly that is it the uneasiness. I do beleive that I am subconsciously deathly afraid of marriage or any permanent attachemnt and at the same time afraid of being rejected. Of coursxe worried about the dentist too. My mouth tastes rotten and probably smells like a sewer. I'll be lucky not tol ose more than just a coupleof bad teeth. Coward and procrastinator--aer us. 

I'd almost rather keep that 8  in Accounting than take the 3 but I earned it and it is m=onemore steop towward y degree. A 3 is really no badge of shame; i is just average. Who am I to be too good for "average"?  I am really more ticked about the 2 from AStruass, the nasty old goar. I will never take another class from him. ((Famous last word; there were several in time and I got a 1 once or twice.) )

It justm ight be cool to get married and go a little slower than  to finish school in two yearss Of course with my luck I'll get PG first thing . I mayanyhow and proably won't getm arried unless I do. I should try the pill or soem contraceptive, anyway.  And you made four 1s anyway and that uis darn good under teh circumstances. Really Bud screwed me up on Govt and Accounting, literally,  But I had the last laugh maybe? 

Feb 23, 1968  Friday

Gee I have had such a time of it lately. Had a tooth out yesterday and it wasn't bad but I am not to impressed with Dr. McEuen. Must have the other out soon and it is going to leave an awfully big hole . I really will need a bridge--just anotehr expense and nuisance. Then I broke my glasses frames< There went $9.26 to Mesa optical ths morning for a new pair. I feel like a pawnshop window. The are all glittery.  Got quite a bit of ail this morning. Leters from Mom, Charlie Mike, Judy and H.P. O'Leary Seems like everyobdy is in for a wild weekend. I imagine my prvate party will swing pretty well too. If anybody wants to know, it is the wedding anniversary of this couple I knew in high school Her brotehr, an old flame of mine, just eneded a 3 year hitch in the Marines. My story and I stick with it!

So pictures? Well, which is the most accurate version of "me",  the cowboy girl or the coed, soon to be an office girl?(I was goong for an interview here.) Or were they both wrong or both right? Sometimes I do not know..

Monday Memoir, February 16, 1968

 So I was now "Dale's girl" but I was also determined to make a better job of this semester than I had the previous one. In some ways I did succeed but I also came to point of  choices to make some changes. However that is a tale for the late spring and summer so for now, what is happening in the short term? 

Feb 12, 1968  Mon

Another Monday and I am beginning to fit into a routine. It doesn't take too long once my mind is made up. I knew some things were necessary and I pulled up my socks and went to work. I really got quite a bit done and over a weekend, too.'

I cleaned the room including mopping the floor, sorted clothes (you should see the Goodwill bags!) did some sewing etc. I made a skirt form my dear old corderoy jumper and it came out really cute. It will be sharp with my new shirt, the rose pring one and a sweater set I have. Today I typed six pages on "Cindy". I'd like to have it done by Easter so I can take it to Judy's. I'm afraid I slightly neglected my studies, though. That I cannot afford to do. I got a letter from Dale on Saturday. I'd been about ready to give up. I guess I lack cnfidence. 

Big Ray is definitely back. This morning with only a moustache and his Cossack cap, he was trying to look like Dr Zhivago. But he is nothing to me now, really never was. He is an overgrown boy who hasn't found himself and has to keep playing roles in that search.  I am tired so off to bed soon. I can be a bit more leisurely in the morningn though with  no eight o'clock clas. s Tomorrow I begin the night class and Wednesday I'll see about  the writer's club. The weather was yuck today, half snow and half rain and wholly miserable. I am ready for spring but it comes late to the high country.

Feb 13, 1968  Tues

What a day to have a night class. It is snowing, cold, wet and drippily miserable. Darn Ray and his wired gray eyes. When Michal Ann and I went to dinner he was sitting with Phil Jenson (the forester I called "Richard Burton";   there is a resemblence) and I think they arer living together now off campus. Well that is nether here nor there. I've got Dale in Phoenix and he is not quite in the same boat Dusty iwas last year. But there is no harm in looking, It is safer than talking which is safer than touching etc. Will have to write Charlie MIke directly. I finished Ch 1 of Cindy today, fourteen lovely pages in two days. Well, not really lovely but thank heaven for ezyerace paper!!

Feb 15, 1968 Thurs 

Didn't see Ray today nor did I hear from Dale, either (planned weekend?)  I didn't go hear Glenn Yarborough either although I could have and kind of wanted to. Really did not feel like it. My sore tooth is acting up again. It is really rotten and I have got to have it out. Will see to that soon. Am tired and lazy with the week-before blues. It is not as bad as sometimes though since I am not especially "love starved." I wish I would get rid of these damn mood swings and cramps. I finished my blouse and the purple pants today. The pants fit cool. Also got through chap 2 of Cindy, roughly 1/8th done in less than a week. I am so proud. Tomorrow is a Friday. I only had one class today which made me lazy. Went up town for a few odds and ends and exchanged my typewriter ribbon actually without a qualm. I'm coming along famously on my poise and brass! 

Of course it rather stretches me to talk to someone like Dr McFarlnae but I  need to be stretched and I damn well know it--even if it pinches a little. But I don't think I'd enjoy sleeping with a guy I have to stretch for. I couldn't give myself freely and relax. But I might try it sometime. Occasionally I deplore my low taste (?) in men but the 'classy' ones drink and screw about the same way. So why bother? May as well be comfy and enjoy it. It is supposed to be 'fun'. Without Dusty for the first, Bud would have killed me and Dale "Smoky" would have absolutely blown my mind. Of course a bed is a darn sight better than the back area of a VW bug! I'd like to have another chance with Dusty in a king sized bed with music and maybe just one drink apieace.  I have picked up quite a bit of savvy in "seven short lessons" from a couple of highway  cassanovas! It is good to be 'with it' again anyway. I was really turned off all fall. Everyone can almost see the difference in me now. . Maybe I am too much on the prowl but I don't think so...

Pictures. Not mine. But just to think about! A bug and a bed--and no bedbugs LOL The rear seat in the Beetle would fold down and make a flat baggage or storage area. Not a lot of room. Don't ask.  Last alone--the jumper I remade. It was high-waisted, empire waist and snug through the middle then flared into a multi-gore skirt. I did love it though it was kind of olive reen normally not a fave color.

Memoir Monday, Feb 9, 1968

 Changing horses--or 'heroes' mid-stream in a quick switch . Bud effectively vanished on January 30 and on February 7, I began a  new relationship that proved to be of a bit longer duration. Dale reappeared. For a few days I did not make a lot of journal entries but later collected a few notes and scribbles and used them to build a bit of continuity.

Feb 7, 1968  Wednesday

Notes on the past week. Tuesday morningn I took my MKTG test and then was finished. It was awhile before I knew the results of the finals. They were quite a lot good, a bit bad and not too ugly. I can't for the life of me recall much about Tuesday and Wednesday. I sewed and loafed mostly, I think. Thursday was Registration and that went smoothly, all classes scheduled, checks arrived and most fees paid.  Then Dale came about 11:00.  As of now, I am Dale's girl. Surprised?  We had a snack at Yiya's  and then departed Flagstaff  by bus for Phoenix. There he had use of a car from a roommate or friend; I think several drivers and ex-drivers shared a houise. We went to a drive in and did what pople usually do at drive-ins--kind of watched the movie and made out. I'd seen Hell's Angels on Wheels before  anyway. Then we took a room in a motel and made love all night. This guy is something else. Leaves Bud in the shade? Well-- nobody has turned me on like this before. He is slightly rough but I can take it  now. Maybe Bud kind of prepared \me? 

Friday morning we drove and had breakfast and then I found I couldn't go on Continental so we dashed over the Greyhound and I was off to Tucson for the expected weekend with Mary. I really had a weird feeling of living two lives because Mary and her folks are so different from Dale and his world. She was ill with a quick virus and they had tried to call and stop me but I had alrady left.  We still had a cool time. Mr Davenport is so neat! He reminds me of Dr Joe Hudson and is quite charming. I went riding with him on the foothills place he and Mrs Davenport are caretakers for and even out to dinner. Then I went to classes with Mary on Monday and Tuesday  We took in a good movie and talked for hours! She is going to try to come up for summer school and then I will see about transferring to UofA next fall. The bus trip back was a drag.  I left Tucson at 2:00 and sat with a funny little cowboy truck driver who had been hurt at his uncle's ranch in Duncan and was going to a VA hopsital in California. At Phoenix, Honor Dorm gals Kelsie, Florence and another were going back up. We were 'treated' to a grand tour of central  Arizona and eventually got back to Flag at 11:00 pm.! There had been a train wreck and several Santa Fe guys from Glendale on short call rode up to Ashfork. Not sure where they went from there. 

And so classes began again today. I think I may enjoy this semester I got a 2 from Strauss (Govt) drat. That gives me 1.58 for the semester(?) and  a grand total of  1.27 for 64 hours. It cuold be worse but I am disappointed. Better luck next time.  Dale said he'd write and I hope he does but I am not up to trekking to Phoenix again this weekend. I'll loaf this weekend and I owe Nancy S another visit soon. Then it may be Dale's turn again.  Not that I am not eager but I should not be too eager. I also have to watch the calendar; possible sterility is not enough to be sure and safe.

Feb 8, 1968 Thursday

Guess who is back. He walked into the feedlot this morning big as life and twice as ugly with a beard and a Cossack hat. He followed me up to ditch trays and I stopped at the cig machine for a pack of Marlboros. and greeted Kelsie who was coming down the line. He passed me and got a pack himself. I did not see what.   I am going to try to ignore him, if Dale does not desert me too long  I am the only gal in Report writing, wouldn't you know it. I think it will be fun, though. I have an idea I am going to be writing my arm off this semester but I don't mind that. I wrote Mom and Charlie Mike today, a few more letters to get out. I'm going to keep really busy plus have some swingin' times. I am all enthused about everything. If I can just keep that frame of mind, I will be fine. Now and then I wonder about getting in with 'wild company' but the profs and all do parties just as much as the bourgoise and even the more "plebian" set. So--take your pick, no? Must run to Knox's class. Hasta.  BTW, the returnee was Ray, the forester in case it is not clear!) 

FWIW I got the following semester grades: Interim Acct--3; Advanced Comp--;1; Beginning Psych--1; American Govt--2; Data Processing--1; and Intro Marketing-1.  The Accounting was from blowing that damn final and the Govt partly as well. Thank you dumb me. And I was not going to get upset, I said. Infamous last words.

Pictures? How about a cowboy girl morphed into coed and then trying to cosplay a swinging 60s 'glamor' girl?? LOL. I have few pix of me and no selfies at this stage so a random two or three. First is before college in a dress I made, still rather demure. Next was visiting in San Lorenzo NM when the folks were there late fall 1968 and finally one I  have never made public before from Colorado. It was 1974 getting some sun after a long winter turning pale.For spits and giggles? Very much!! I was then about 31 but still staying slim. Go ahead and laugh! I do every time I see it!

 

Memoir Monday, Feb 2, 1968

 Monday Memoir Feb 2, 1968

 Jan 27, 1968 ( starts with notes from jumbled  thoughts, not a journal entry right here) 

For the moment, I was rhapsodizing about my new ‘boyfriend’ and sliding dangerously into an emotional attachment that I *knew* was unwise, even hazardous. In most ways I was just playing make believe and yes, settling for not even second best but much less than that. The seductive illusion of being appreciated, enjoyed, valued, belonging… It did not take long to pop that balloon and the next year or so I avoided even starting to go there. And thankfully that was doable.

I called Bud “Beau” for the southern feeling. He was at the end of a dying relationship and it was not going well; I never knew any details, just felt it was sad. .I wrote "He is so sweet and such a monster all rolled into one. Russet leather hair and very blue eyes, beautiful teeth; conceited and shy, rough and gentle a carefree little boy and a  burdened hurt man. All rolled into one."  Yes I was going way too fast and should have or maybe even did know better. It was so sudden and I had really not nearly put myself back together and found firm ground again yet  Then a  few days passed when I was back full time studenting and waiting to see where I’d go next.  My little unexpected dream was on the edge of destruction and it happened quickly--like boom and crash.

Jan 29, 1968 Monday

Short and sweet, huh? When I made my mistake was Saturday morning going up and waking him when he was hung over. I should not have done that, should I? Because he was not terribly nice and what’s more I fell in the snow and ice, bruising my knee and tearing my tights and then screwed up my accounting test because I was all upset. Saturday was not my day.

So Sunday, in spite of the snow, I hitched a ride with Old Louie, all the way down to Phoenix. It was lovely down there. I walked in the sunshine and then waited at the depot and saw my ‘ero come in on the 5-Star. He did not see me until I passed him on my way from the restroom. I am still not sure if he was pleased or ticked. It was a long ride back, just the two of us from Prescott on. We talked but after Cottonwood it seemed to go awry and just fizzled so I walked away from the depot alone. This evening he called to inform me that he was leaving for Los Angeles--on the road now with the guy who had the red car--I think. for a change of area he had asked for?  So that is over. Well, it was fun in a crazy way.

I think I did fair in my DAPR test. I’m getting ones in English and Psych anyway. That makes me feel better. Then Nancy C (the phonograph girl) and I went to see “The Ambushers” with Dean Martin. It was really cool. And I just had this perfectly wicked idea--how would I do as a 5 Star hostess?  I think I will inquire directly. 

A little ‘splaining. In the manner, of the airlines and their attendants, Continental started a class of "upscale" busses with a few more amenities which they called the 5 Star Busses. . One of the specials was an on-board hostess. I am not sure how long that went on but I did consider it as a temporary career. I lost interest soon because they had stricter rules than the airlines. Darn near a convent life! No hanky panky, very strict height, weight and grooming rules and of course no “fraternization” with passengers or drivers, and quartered in much worse and more restricted  dorms than old NAU's worst.  Oh on, not for this gal.  

Illustrations here, not my photos. :  Driver and hostess loading a bus and the big  Continentals of 1968-69. The 5 Stars were a bit higher than the regular ones.

Memoir Monday, January 26, 1968

This week life picked me up, spun me like a brief tornado and dropped me back considerably rearranged. Preordained ~?? Anyway, events both destructive and potentially diverting evolved. Yes, my finals did get somewhat trashed in the process but I managed to pass everything and not get any really horrible grades, just one wicked 3. Ouch.. I'm not sure what entity or force to thank for that! 

The next year or so evolved in very unplanned ways in my personal life but my scholastic or academic life finally settled and proceeded mostly in an orderly manner with deciding a few major changes of direction. Most of  my 'new life' was probably a very necessary learning and growing processs; I might have done better to have most of those experiences a bit earlier in my life but ultimately I sorted out  a number of things and possibly ended up where I was actually supposed to be. As Yogi Berra said, one must take a fork when you come to it but there is no way to take them both or more--choices happen, whether you intend or want them to or not. 

Jan 21, 1968 Sunday

If yesterday was not a dilly! I got up at 7:30, showered, dressed,  had a semi breakfast then headed for the bus depot.. Yeah, I was half-hoping it would be Nick Dawson driving, but it wasn't. It was a long tall Southern sonof-a-gun named Bud Smith.  I was really not aware that he was giving me the eye and since he was not even wearing wellingtons,(Loafers I think!) I was not too impressed.. But I did sit in the front seat and watched him drive and thought he kind of reminded me of Harve.  Nancy Shellman was waiting at Lillian's. We went to look at Leo first. He is at Geroge Stott's since the storm delayed Nancy's moving. He looks good. It is Dingbat and not Rico that George has, though. And he looks just like Peppy. Buzzie looks fine too. 

Then I heard the bad news.  During the storm, Cindy (Cyn Mas) and Twinkles got out over a snow covered fence and were killed on the Cornville Highway where they were both hit by Don O'Whiler (sp?) who was also killed in the process. I wonder how fast he was going in the ice and snow to hit that hard? It was during the stormy holidays and some tried to get in touch with me without success. Of course I was in California and no one had an addreess or probably even knew I was there. I was pretty upset about this. I had planned to keep one and sell the other to pay for her feed; I prefered Twinkles since she was so much like her brother Patrick and would break easy but Cindy was a registered Quarter Horse and probably more valuable. But that idea was now impossible. Then we went to pick up Jim's wife (a totally different Jim who had been keeping and mlght buy Chief) to her chiropractic appointment. I sawChief and he looked terrible. That was sad too. So we went over to Clarkdale. There was obviously a rockslide outfit  and crew in town, probably the same burro crane there last spring. At least I was sure Leo and Buzz and I am positive Lyno also are in good hands. It was rumored Louis Dunn paid $150 for Puani but he can't get her papers because I have them, never resigned  afterward dad  got them the guyhe met at Whipple. My first inclination is to buy her back but I know that would be foolish. I am just not meant to have a horse now.  So I tried to eat a little dinner and watched TV with Nancy until 7:30 when we went down to catch the bus.

Bud was still driving and I was the only passenger. It was weird, just as it it was all meant to be.  We came up the canyon talking about everything under the sun and this time I was impressed.  In Flag, we went over to the Greyhound cafeteria and had coffee, still talking. I ended up going down to his studio apartment at the Vandevier Motel where many drivers had space.  Turned on the TV to the FM music station and sprawled on the bed  drinking bourbon and coke. When he reached,  I could have said no but I didn't. But I'd downed about three drinks on a near-empty stomach so  almost too soon,  I was suddenly awfully sick. Knelt on the cold tile with my head over the commode until most of it came up. We walked out in the cold for a bit and I was better but nausea hit again as soon as we came back into the warm room.  He took me up for more coffee and then walked me down to the dorm. I was silly and talkative but could walk okay. I said I took the drinks too fast. He may have thoought I had been scared or something but I really wasn't.  I wanted it every bit as much as he did. Last May was an awfully long time ago. I'm sorry, Dusty. He can't take your place because you were first and  always special but I waited as long as I could.  I've been a peach ripe for picking for quite awhile. Next morning I actually felt pretty fair after a shower and some soda crackers and a glass of lemon-lime soda. Guess I'll do my accounting, go check my mail for yesterday and then maybe take  a good hike.  And wait for Bud to call-- which he might not do but he said he would.  

 Are you readers as shocked or surprised as I was when I got up the next day? The loss of the two young mares hit me very hard. I cannot call that a real excuse but a jolting change was past due and it came for me like a runaway train. My new "education" had truly begun.

Jan 22, 1968 Monday

So I took my DAPR test, got my programs in. I had gone down to Nancy's and heard some bad news, got drunk, went to bed with a bus driver and now it is Monday morning again. What do you know? Now there really are no more exams until finals but I've got to hit the books. Dying to see what I got in DAPR. Hope it is okay. Am going to be nice to Harve this morning, Bud did not keep his promise to call yesterday so to hell with him. Just say I had a good time and got rid of some tensions and check that one off. I just may run over to Kingman after all. Find how much the round trip is on the Chief and then go Greyhound? But I may go to Jerome on Sunday just to scare hell out of Jimmie Mac. I feel mighty bitchy!

Jan 23, 1968, Tuesday

Part 1

I am rather ticked at Buddy, really. Can't figure out why he hasn't called except he is just waiting for me to come to him. Which, fool I am, I'll probably end up doing. It all seems so surreal now, anyway. I cannot figure him. If I had only been sober and not all fouled up to begin with over the horses I'd have been more sensitive to impressions and would have a clearer memory of it all and be able to make a better estimate of him. The teasing tenderness of "Pobrecita" (said to me at some point) brings one image. He insisted on getting my phone number also. Part of it all was clearly just a line yet in a way I think the bottled courage was meant for him as much as for me, and part of his conversation was selling himself on the whole idea too. Perhaps the fact that I am not on the pill gave him second thoughts.  Possibly he needs a little reassurance. (I was not sure but already suspected I might be sterile--the damn mumps.) Then again maybe he is just a playboy out for some fun and a one-night-stand was all he expected. It is all at variance and incomprehensible, so many contadictions. I liked him almost instantly once we started talking and was not afraid at all. Or am I kidding myself again? Did I just imagine/pretend it was Dusty? I wish I wasn't so complicated! If I could understand myself, other people would be no trouble at all.  It was cool coming up, just the two of us in the big old bus--a very odd sort of trip, really. And quite a coincidence. It's never happened before and probably never will again. 

So far only my vanity is piqued that he has ignored me. I was too easy, but I was 'love starved' (not really for sex but human contact and a feeling of being valued) so no use beating around the bush. Given a chance I might go back for more. That would/could be a problem. I feel kind of bad about being uunfaithful to Dusty, but ye gods, how long am I supposed to wait? Now I am so glad Mary called. That gives me somewhere to go for the break, anyway. And I sure do want to get away from this joint for awhile. She still wants me to transfer to UofA. Maybe I should but not before fall. In ways I'd like to now but I know I wouild screw up the whole deal if I tried.  

Part II

By golly I believe I'll keep my new year's resolutions! I was pretty ticked at Buddy yesterday asit was supposd to be my "lucky day." Something mail or maybe male?  But you know how it goes. I had a phone call about 7:45. I was surprsied as hell too. It was Buddy Boy who said I stood him up last night (say what?) and wanted me to come up. He said scare up a girl for his friend but I told him to come get me.But then his supposed sweetie came in on the bus from AQ and it was the friend who came after me. His name is Dale Hunter and he looked so damn much like Dusty it really hit me hard. He was just going to tell me about Bud's 'bad liuck' but then he asked me to go out for coffee. We wandered around and ended up in his room minus any booze. He is an ex-driver, divorced and from Phoenix now. He was with Continental and is suing them over his no-fault accident firing. Apparently he really liked me but I said I did not like the idea of being passed around among friends. He denied that was what it was but I still said no."At least until I know you better." He was maybe not real happy but clearly not too upset. He is supposed to be up the first of Feb to see his attorney and will take me out then. I'm in a quandry--will have to see what Bud does or says. I liked him but---I do not owe him anythng. A week or two ago I would never have believed it. Here I am with two problems, two new problems to choose between. Looks like my luck is changing. I'm changing too, maybe not for the better but it depends on how you look at it. I think Dale will be cool. He reminds me so much of Dusty. Like most guys, he cannot figure me out. I have an idea the next few weeks may prove muy interesante!

Jan 26, 1968, Friday

And I did see Bud again before Dale got back... (Falling too fast and hard and being dumb...that was so me at times.) He came and got me last night and we walked, watched TV and ate hamburgers --after making love and nearly fell asleep together after the second time. He is something else. I fall apart and melt into nothing and it's pain and glory all at once. But I like best lying close to him afterwards and talking or resting with my head on his chest and hearing his heart beating hard and steady under my ear. If I had not learned Dusty's ways first, I probably could not deal with this but I do find I am not "cold" at all. or even slow to warm up. Last night I forgot to take my socks off--now I am even on that score. LOL. Oh, Dusty used to bug me there. Bud is terribly strong but not really rough and does not seem heavy. It may be he just balances his weight off me or I am too lost to notice. Not that Dusty was ever heavy;he was always very gentle and careful of me.  Bud is on the road tonight, I guess in Cottonwood about now. 

So is everyone properly shocked?  I never was little miss goodie two shoes but I  simply  never had many opporunities to step into the "free love" period of the late 1960s.  I  still felt qualms about Dusty. I very definitely still loved him and missed him greatly but  he was gone and I had no idea where and how he was.  I did quickly decide to back off and not get emotionally involved any more than I could help. It was too dangerous and asking for hurt. I'd had more than I wanted of that so now it was just to have fun, get the human contact I urgently needed-which I desired much more than merely sex although at times it was fun and good. No question,  Bud could be described as "good in bed" without any doubt. Even my limited experience recognized that. But as a long term companion or partner, not really. Even then I recognized that as well.

Pictures? A last look at Cindy and Twinkles and  then  a glimps at Nancy's place a few weeks later. Finally Cottonwood's main street, perhaps a few years earlier but Lilllian's would be on the right side not too far down the street. 

   

Memoir Monday, January 19, 1968

Living through more adjustment as I really tried to get back into a pattern of being a student again. I didn't quite realize how deeply my real  PTSD was mixing up my emotions and mental processes.  I really did not start to recognize or come out of that residue for weeks, even months.  But I did change--greatly--from who I had been until September 7, 1966 and even until November 18, 1967. Did I "go to college to get an education?"  In many ways, yes. I saw and learned so much I had never known, understood or even realized existed before. I have to fall back on Dicken's best and worst of times, because it combined both ultra highs and abject lows and then many dull and depressed hours mingled in as I found liberty could become license and freedom was almost nothing left to lose. .In retrospect I credit myself with both the fortitude and resiliance to survive and deeply thank my Deity and Guardians who always helped me. In these entries I was still trying to sort things out.

Jan 14, 1968 Sunday

Well, I didn't. (go to Kingman)  I found the round trip will cost me $12.10. That is awful steep for a wild goose chase. I still may go before long but I'll see how things work out between now and whenever.  It has really been a nice weekend. I got all my homework done and finished the striped blouse. I took two nice hikes in the snow, too. I bought Nancy C's phonograph and I am very glad. It is the coolest luxury to be able to fall asleep to the sound of music and know it will shut itself off at the end of the record. I washed clothes today and also my hair and the latter is curled to dry and the former hung. So I feel quite productive and worthwhile. This evening I went to the C.U. movie with Betty and Michal Ann. It was "A Patch of Blue" and was really a beautiful movie. It was in black and white, a sort of classic style that was suitable, I'll add it to my list of favorite films. And discovered Sidney Poitier., a super cool man and actar

This semester Betty Leinheiser and Michal Ann Magro were about the closest friends I had in the dorm. They were both really nice and reasonable girls, fairly mature and not giddy or acting 'like goofy kids'. I did quite a few things with them and they often asked me to join them. They were truly kind people. The C.U. was the student union and they had free films fairly often, some actually pretty current and not grade z.

Jan 15, 1968 Monday

I can't figure whether I am overconfident, over-estimate myself or just what is wrong. But I am doing lousy. A low two on the Marketing Exam--I am so ashamed that I could cry. My grades are just falling apart. Now I am really going to be in a squeeze for finals and I just know something will happen to screw me up on them and I will wind up with about a 2.5 average or worse. . God, I'd rather die now and get it over with! Yech. I started out pretty good in DAPR and Mktg--why am I falling flat now? My problems have eased up a lot in contrast to the fall. I was just feeling better over the weekend. If I blow that Govt makeup, I will just feel like crawling in a hole. Well, may as well be philosophical.  It is what it is. I'll really study and do the best I can and then try for a better semester through the spring.

I guess I was too wrapped up in grades but they were a rare sign of success at this point. I really did think that dropping below a very high two was awful and a three was a failure! Vanity? Conceit? I'm not sure but I had set some tough standards for myself. Well, it was all I had left in most ways. So much of my old life was simply gone.

Jan 17, 1968  Wednesday

Good resolutuions which I hope will last. For me, I studied quite a lot yesterday. I do think I am on the edge of that 'spontaneous recovery' from my assorted neuroses. That 90 on my Govt makeup test boosted my morale considerably, Now if I can do well on the final maybe perhaps I can get a 1 in there. I've got to do a good job on my final marketing test to balance that 71--I am ashamed but it was mostly a misunderstanding more than a lack of knowledge for the subject.  In Dapr I have two chances to pull myself up. In Accounting I am rather discouraged. I can't see clear to anything better than a two there. Anyway, I got 90/100 on my Govt extra test, That sure did help.  Now I've got to dig in and get a good high score on my Dapr FORTRAN exam. That's Friday. Will pour over the material on Thursday night and perhaps go to the library if the weather is okay. Today is sheet change day and I intend to get my Goodwill stuff out of the room and generally tidy up the place some more. That may be the last of that sort of thing until after finals. In fact it better be. I haven't heard from Nancy Shellman but I reckon I'll plan to go down unless I hear differently. 

Jan 19, 1968 Friday

Today was ok. It began with scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfas, a favorite. Had a short quiz in Mktg on which I got 100%(!) Redid my #4 program and went to take the test, It was rough. I really don't know what to expect. Harvey came to class clad in his Highway Patrol uniform and sure looked sharp. Uniforms help most any guy, I guess. I'll wager he takes being an officer of the law very seriously. He even had his gun on. My #4 ran right and I finished punching my extra credit one. It will probably be screwed up but one has to start somewhere. I did go shopping and looked at lots of coats and jackets but did not buy one. I may later or not. Bought a record and some chow and blew the afternoon. That was my intention.  I haven't accomplished much this evening but don't care much. Going to have fun this weekend as next week and weekend I am going to be up against it for sure--finals avalanche. Saw Peggy (Watt) heading home on the Chief. Don't suppose I will make that scene yet--wait until after finals so it won't blow my cool whatever happens. I can go to Cottonwood and Jerome for a bit less anyway. I want to take a bunch of photos of Jerome. I found a '65 Kennedy half dollare today. I felt it was a good omen and I now have a full set of four. 

Oh we were so modern and high tech then. LOL. Punch cards were the current big thing. There were machines like typewriters only bigger to do that and of course if a wrong punch was made, it was going to be wrong! That is assuming you had the code figured out correctly to do what you wanted. Oh my! So much has changed. But I did like coding and programming and actually did a good bit later on in my then-uninvisioned career. Natural born geek? Ha ha. 

Photos? I am not sure there are any appropriate in the vault. A few that might have been are lost forever on the crashed  hard drive.  So I went googling and found a couple just for spits and giggles. NOT my photos!! First is a 1964 IBM card punch machine! They were big suckers! The next one is an AZ Highway Patrol car and officer--before they became DPS in the DOT about 1970. I think by 1967 the uniforms were dark blue but maybe this was a summer one? Clearly shot in Phoenix by the background.Definitely FWIW stuff. And Harvey never became a thing to me. Life gave me a different choice. Soon, even. 

Memoir Monday, Jan 12, 1968

After a week to return to my current normal, I was ready for a new month, a new year and many new directions. Some experiences and (mis)adventures were coming my way.  If on  September 8, 1966 when I arrived on campus and did not go back home as I had feared, I was "born again" or at least released on parole; it was now again almost as if I had been freed from prison or my sentence commuted in full.  I was free finally of those cruel ties and no longer bound or constrained in many ways. What a shock it was! . Reality came by small encrements and a few major abrupt shifts. Yes, I dove into the wild era of the free love, sex and rock and roll sixties (no drugs though) enough to get a pretty fair taste. Before long though that did become enough. I knew I was not meant to be part of that lifestyle. But still, it was a big change for the former cowboy girl, although much of her still existed in my spirit.  But I had to march in place just a wee bit longer to pick up the new drum's rhythm.. 

Jan 6, 1968  Saturday

It'a 11:30 pm and here I sit in 251. I asked Carol Ann about moving on Thursday and she agreed. So last night after dinner, I came up and scrubbed out and then began to carry my things up. Knowing me, you an guess I didn't stop until it was done. I was half dead, but so what? I hung my curtains, unstacked  my bed and curled up in my comforter. I had gone shopping in the pm; that was my reward for taking the govt test. I don't know how I did but for now my room is  in order and I've written letters. Tomorrow I really must study. I don't know why I am such a procrastinator. It does not help anything. It would serve me right to get all 3s!

I really like this room much better. The view out the window is nice, too. I wanted a second floor room in North Quad since I came up in 1966.. Now at last I'm here. It is a relief to be away from the lobby noise and busyness. But I was lucky to get any room in Septermber , almost late as it was.  That test was the one that should have been on Monday the 18th of December?! Today I've sat around and I took a two hour nap from 8:30 to 10:30. I guess I'll go take a good bath in the tub--an unuusal thing for me--and then see if I feel like doing anything else before I turn off for the night. I've gotten everything set to order pretty fast. I am quite proud of myself for that. But I must get rid of a lot more stuff as I could never get this mess moved or stored. I'll have to buy a couple more foot lockers and I may take/send some stuff to California including Charlie Mike's boxes. (I had 3-4 of his stuff from the homeless time and temporay place)

Jan 7, 1968 Sunday

It was a pretty but cold day and I spent most of it indoors. Stayed in bed until 10:30. I was ashamed but I think I needed to rest extra. No doubt I'll kick my own butt good tomorrow for not studying my accounting more. I did spend about an hour and a half reviewing my marketing but even in the library I couldn't seem to get with the accounting,  What I need is some good lovin' --at least male companionship--and I know it. If only forester Ray had not left this end of campus; if only Jim had not chickened out on me with the damn polytix, and especially if only Dusty had not pulled the pin on me. (That last most of all)  .But maybe in this great '68  I'll find someone else. Lord knows I am going to look.  But I just can't settle on "anybody", not after Dusty. I've always measured my men on a larger scale, wickedness if nothing else! And I figure to continue that policy. Somehow I'll get through this semester, and the next one. I plan some weekend jaunts to get my carcass off campus. Maybe I will go to Kingman, to Tucson, to Cottonwood, to Jerome etc. Take some pictures and do some sketching and look for fellows.  I think I'll budget $100 just for tripping about. I may even run over to Albuquerque to see about the college there.  I refuse to just stay home and stew. Life was made for fun and I intend to have my share!

Jan 12, 1968  Friday

It's been quite a week, good, bad and indifferent, all rolled into one package. At least I have kept busy. The tests Monday were rough and I still haven't gotten the results of them. Made 76 on my government test which was disappointing. Then I dropped my lunch tray and I received a legal summons from some of the Verde Valley "enemies".  I briefy panicked but they cannot do anything to me really. I called  Dr Joe P.  and I suspect he reached Dr. McDonald who stepped in and made them leave me alone. I had nothing to say and I owed them not a red cent.  
Tuesday was better. I began to write programs and I really like it. It is a neat challenge and kind of grows on me. I think I could get really attached to that job.  I didn't get much significant mail all week. I am sort of casting about for a poor unfortunate male in whom I could sink my vampire claws. Harvey Cassidy (he is a highway patrol officer-I was so shocked!), Mike Johnson? But I never did like beards. But I want somebody in the worst way and I am looking hard.  

Today however I got a $50 check from Uncle Dan--that is supposed to be a panacea for all evils. Well, it damn sure did help. I put $25 in the bank and bought the soundtrack of Gone With The Wind and also Nancy's automatic phonograph (she is a hallmate) with a needle to play stereo records. At $15 I think it was a good deal. I can now 'listen to sleep' knowing it will shut itself off. That is peachy keen. Damn though, why do I have to be nearly 25? I feel about 18 or 19 mostly and I really wish I was again. 25 seems awfully old and I've done so little, lived so little in my life. Yet I've lived too much already, too. Oh, it's such a muddle. No one has written me except for a short note from Charlie Mike that he and Kathy broke up. I'm not too sorry.She seemed pretty much of a vacuum to me. Down inside I am probably jealous tha which is maybe a good thing. I think if I was a dazzling charmer as she was, I'd be positively dangerous. I am rather anyway because of the stubborn willful streak in me. I've been so miserable the last few months but I feel maybe I am coming out of it just a little, Do hope so. I resolved to do better in '68 so perhaps I can. It's about my turn for some good things, very special type. 

I'm thinking of running over to Kingman tomorrow or Sunday. It may be entirely a wild goose chase but I have to knot that up, cut it off, and throw it away before I can put my heart into anything else. Then maybe I can thaw out and turn on. Of course maybe I will come out the 'winner' and be happier too.  I think I''ll get up about 7:00 tomorrow and call Trailways to find the cost and then decide for certain. No more exams now until finals, probably. Oh yes, Fortran next week. Well, that's not quite a fate worse than death. I'm doing my projects, anyway. So I think I should do okay with it. 

Pictures: First the view across the street (Beaver I think, the main one down from town) out of my new window. This room faced southeast, more or less. It was to the west or left of the front door but I cannot find the window in a photo.  And  up that street to the north east was the ATSF Depot and across the-then-main street were the bus depots! Blow up the photo to glimpse them. Sadly I had some shots of this new room but they were lost in the 2018 hard drive crash. Still regret that.