Memoir Monday, January 19, 1968

Living through more adjustment as I really tried to get back into a pattern of being a student again. I didn't quite realize how deeply my real  PTSD was mixing up my emotions and mental processes.  I really did not start to recognize or come out of that residue for weeks, even months.  But I did change--greatly--from who I had been until September 7, 1966 and even until November 18, 1967. Did I "go to college to get an education?"  In many ways, yes. I saw and learned so much I had never known, understood or even realized existed before. I have to fall back on Dicken's best and worst of times, because it combined both ultra highs and abject lows and then many dull and depressed hours mingled in as I found liberty could become license and freedom was almost nothing left to lose. .In retrospect I credit myself with both the fortitude and resiliance to survive and deeply thank my Deity and Guardians who always helped me. In these entries I was still trying to sort things out.

Jan 14, 1968 Sunday

Well, I didn't. (go to Kingman)  I found the round trip will cost me $12.10. That is awful steep for a wild goose chase. I still may go before long but I'll see how things work out between now and whenever.  It has really been a nice weekend. I got all my homework done and finished the striped blouse. I took two nice hikes in the snow, too. I bought Nancy C's phonograph and I am very glad. It is the coolest luxury to be able to fall asleep to the sound of music and know it will shut itself off at the end of the record. I washed clothes today and also my hair and the latter is curled to dry and the former hung. So I feel quite productive and worthwhile. This evening I went to the C.U. movie with Betty and Michal Ann. It was "A Patch of Blue" and was really a beautiful movie. It was in black and white, a sort of classic style that was suitable, I'll add it to my list of favorite films. And discovered Sidney Poitier., a super cool man and actar

This semester Betty Leinheiser and Michal Ann Magro were about the closest friends I had in the dorm. They were both really nice and reasonable girls, fairly mature and not giddy or acting 'like goofy kids'. I did quite a few things with them and they often asked me to join them. They were truly kind people. The C.U. was the student union and they had free films fairly often, some actually pretty current and not grade z.

Jan 15, 1968 Monday

I can't figure whether I am overconfident, over-estimate myself or just what is wrong. But I am doing lousy. A low two on the Marketing Exam--I am so ashamed that I could cry. My grades are just falling apart. Now I am really going to be in a squeeze for finals and I just know something will happen to screw me up on them and I will wind up with about a 2.5 average or worse. . God, I'd rather die now and get it over with! Yech. I started out pretty good in DAPR and Mktg--why am I falling flat now? My problems have eased up a lot in contrast to the fall. I was just feeling better over the weekend. If I blow that Govt makeup, I will just feel like crawling in a hole. Well, may as well be philosophical.  It is what it is. I'll really study and do the best I can and then try for a better semester through the spring.

I guess I was too wrapped up in grades but they were a rare sign of success at this point. I really did think that dropping below a very high two was awful and a three was a failure! Vanity? Conceit? I'm not sure but I had set some tough standards for myself. Well, it was all I had left in most ways. So much of my old life was simply gone.

Jan 17, 1968  Wednesday

Good resolutuions which I hope will last. For me, I studied quite a lot yesterday. I do think I am on the edge of that 'spontaneous recovery' from my assorted neuroses. That 90 on my Govt makeup test boosted my morale considerably, Now if I can do well on the final maybe perhaps I can get a 1 in there. I've got to do a good job on my final marketing test to balance that 71--I am ashamed but it was mostly a misunderstanding more than a lack of knowledge for the subject.  In Dapr I have two chances to pull myself up. In Accounting I am rather discouraged. I can't see clear to anything better than a two there. Anyway, I got 90/100 on my Govt extra test, That sure did help.  Now I've got to dig in and get a good high score on my Dapr FORTRAN exam. That's Friday. Will pour over the material on Thursday night and perhaps go to the library if the weather is okay. Today is sheet change day and I intend to get my Goodwill stuff out of the room and generally tidy up the place some more. That may be the last of that sort of thing until after finals. In fact it better be. I haven't heard from Nancy Shellman but I reckon I'll plan to go down unless I hear differently. 

Jan 19, 1968 Friday

Today was ok. It began with scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfas, a favorite. Had a short quiz in Mktg on which I got 100%(!) Redid my #4 program and went to take the test, It was rough. I really don't know what to expect. Harvey came to class clad in his Highway Patrol uniform and sure looked sharp. Uniforms help most any guy, I guess. I'll wager he takes being an officer of the law very seriously. He even had his gun on. My #4 ran right and I finished punching my extra credit one. It will probably be screwed up but one has to start somewhere. I did go shopping and looked at lots of coats and jackets but did not buy one. I may later or not. Bought a record and some chow and blew the afternoon. That was my intention.  I haven't accomplished much this evening but don't care much. Going to have fun this weekend as next week and weekend I am going to be up against it for sure--finals avalanche. Saw Peggy (Watt) heading home on the Chief. Don't suppose I will make that scene yet--wait until after finals so it won't blow my cool whatever happens. I can go to Cottonwood and Jerome for a bit less anyway. I want to take a bunch of photos of Jerome. I found a '65 Kennedy half dollare today. I felt it was a good omen and I now have a full set of four. 

Oh we were so modern and high tech then. LOL. Punch cards were the current big thing. There were machines like typewriters only bigger to do that and of course if a wrong punch was made, it was going to be wrong! That is assuming you had the code figured out correctly to do what you wanted. Oh my! So much has changed. But I did like coding and programming and actually did a good bit later on in my then-uninvisioned career. Natural born geek? Ha ha. 

Photos? I am not sure there are any appropriate in the vault. A few that might have been are lost forever on the crashed  hard drive.  So I went googling and found a couple just for spits and giggles. NOT my photos!! First is a 1964 IBM card punch machine! They were big suckers! The next one is an AZ Highway Patrol car and officer--before they became DPS in the DOT about 1970. I think by 1967 the uniforms were dark blue but maybe this was a summer one? Clearly shot in Phoenix by the background.Definitely FWIW stuff. And Harvey never became a thing to me. Life gave me a different choice. Soon, even. 

Memoir Monday, Jan 12, 1968

After a week to return to my current normal, I was ready for a new month, a new year and many new directions. Some experiences and (mis)adventures were coming my way.  If on  September 8, 1966 when I arrived on campus and did not go back home as I had feared, I was "born again" or at least released on parole; it was now again almost as if I had been freed from prison or my sentence commuted in full.  I was free finally of those cruel ties and no longer bound or constrained in many ways. What a shock it was! . Reality came by small encrements and a few major abrupt shifts. Yes, I dove into the wild era of the free love, sex and rock and roll sixties (no drugs though) enough to get a pretty fair taste. Before long though that did become enough. I knew I was not meant to be part of that lifestyle. But still, it was a big change for the former cowboy girl, although much of her still existed in my spirit.  But I had to march in place just a wee bit longer to pick up the new drum's rhythm.. 

Jan 6, 1968  Saturday

It'a 11:30 pm and here I sit in 251. I asked Carol Ann about moving on Thursday and she agreed. So last night after dinner, I came up and scrubbed out and then began to carry my things up. Knowing me, you an guess I didn't stop until it was done. I was half dead, but so what? I hung my curtains, unstacked  my bed and curled up in my comforter. I had gone shopping in the pm; that was my reward for taking the govt test. I don't know how I did but for now my room is  in order and I've written letters. Tomorrow I really must study. I don't know why I am such a procrastinator. It does not help anything. It would serve me right to get all 3s!

I really like this room much better. The view out the window is nice, too. I wanted a second floor room in North Quad since I came up in 1966.. Now at last I'm here. It is a relief to be away from the lobby noise and busyness. But I was lucky to get any room in Septermber , almost late as it was.  That test was the one that should have been on Monday the 18th of December?! Today I've sat around and I took a two hour nap from 8:30 to 10:30. I guess I'll go take a good bath in the tub--an unuusal thing for me--and then see if I feel like doing anything else before I turn off for the night. I've gotten everything set to order pretty fast. I am quite proud of myself for that. But I must get rid of a lot more stuff as I could never get this mess moved or stored. I'll have to buy a couple more foot lockers and I may take/send some stuff to California including Charlie Mike's boxes. (I had 3-4 of his stuff from the homeless time and temporay place)

Jan 7, 1968 Sunday

It was a pretty but cold day and I spent most of it indoors. Stayed in bed until 10:30. I was ashamed but I think I needed to rest extra. No doubt I'll kick my own butt good tomorrow for not studying my accounting more. I did spend about an hour and a half reviewing my marketing but even in the library I couldn't seem to get with the accounting,  What I need is some good lovin' --at least male companionship--and I know it. If only forester Ray had not left this end of campus; if only Jim had not chickened out on me with the damn polytix, and especially if only Dusty had not pulled the pin on me. (That last most of all)  .But maybe in this great '68  I'll find someone else. Lord knows I am going to look.  But I just can't settle on "anybody", not after Dusty. I've always measured my men on a larger scale, wickedness if nothing else! And I figure to continue that policy. Somehow I'll get through this semester, and the next one. I plan some weekend jaunts to get my carcass off campus. Maybe I will go to Kingman, to Tucson, to Cottonwood, to Jerome etc. Take some pictures and do some sketching and look for fellows.  I think I'll budget $100 just for tripping about. I may even run over to Albuquerque to see about the college there.  I refuse to just stay home and stew. Life was made for fun and I intend to have my share!

Jan 12, 1968  Friday

It's been quite a week, good, bad and indifferent, all rolled into one package. At least I have kept busy. The tests Monday were rough and I still haven't gotten the results of them. Made 76 on my government test which was disappointing. Then I dropped my lunch tray and I received a legal summons from some of the Verde Valley "enemies".  I briefy panicked but they cannot do anything to me really. I called  Dr Joe P.  and I suspect he reached Dr. McDonald who stepped in and made them leave me alone. I had nothing to say and I owed them not a red cent.  
Tuesday was better. I began to write programs and I really like it. It is a neat challenge and kind of grows on me. I think I could get really attached to that job.  I didn't get much significant mail all week. I am sort of casting about for a poor unfortunate male in whom I could sink my vampire claws. Harvey Cassidy (he is a highway patrol officer-I was so shocked!), Mike Johnson? But I never did like beards. But I want somebody in the worst way and I am looking hard.  

Today however I got a $50 check from Uncle Dan--that is supposed to be a panacea for all evils. Well, it damn sure did help. I put $25 in the bank and bought the soundtrack of Gone With The Wind and also Nancy's automatic phonograph (she is a hallmate) with a needle to play stereo records. At $15 I think it was a good deal. I can now 'listen to sleep' knowing it will shut itself off. That is peachy keen. Damn though, why do I have to be nearly 25? I feel about 18 or 19 mostly and I really wish I was again. 25 seems awfully old and I've done so little, lived so little in my life. Yet I've lived too much already, too. Oh, it's such a muddle. No one has written me except for a short note from Charlie Mike that he and Kathy broke up. I'm not too sorry.She seemed pretty much of a vacuum to me. Down inside I am probably jealous tha which is maybe a good thing. I think if I was a dazzling charmer as she was, I'd be positively dangerous. I am rather anyway because of the stubborn willful streak in me. I've been so miserable the last few months but I feel maybe I am coming out of it just a little, Do hope so. I resolved to do better in '68 so perhaps I can. It's about my turn for some good things, very special type. 

I'm thinking of running over to Kingman tomorrow or Sunday. It may be entirely a wild goose chase but I have to knot that up, cut it off, and throw it away before I can put my heart into anything else. Then maybe I can thaw out and turn on. Of course maybe I will come out the 'winner' and be happier too.  I think I''ll get up about 7:00 tomorrow and call Trailways to find the cost and then decide for certain. No more exams now until finals, probably. Oh yes, Fortran next week. Well, that's not quite a fate worse than death. I'm doing my projects, anyway. So I think I should do okay with it. 

Pictures: First the view across the street (Beaver I think, the main one down from town) out of my new window. This room faced southeast, more or less. It was to the west or left of the front door but I cannot find the window in a photo.  And  up that street to the north east was the ATSF Depot and across the-then-main street were the bus depots! Blow up the photo to glimpse them. Sadly I had some shots of this new room but they were lost in the 2018 hard drive crash. Still regret that. 

Memoir Monday, Jan 5, 1968

 I came back to the still-heavy remains of that colossal storm. The train got in about 5:00 am. We weary students staggered out of our seats. grabbed luggage and stumbled down to campus through the open topped snow-tunnels down Beaver to the dorm. I woke Carol Ann, the head resident, to let me in and rested briefly but had to make a class at 9:00.  We called Carol Ann the Dorm Big Sister rahter than Dorm Mother since she was little older than most of us and possibly younger than me! She may ave abeen a grad student but not sure.

Jan 2, 1968 Tuesday

It seems like I've been gone for months. Later I wrote a litle bit from the library.  I had collected my great accumulation of mail although none of it too spetacular. I'll get my package after lunch when I go to change my sheets. The sky is lead gray --it could nearly be the day we left, I mean the last day of classes. I am tired and light headed from so little food for twenty four hours, but I guess I can endure two more hours until lunch time. Then I'd better get my shipped stuff, change sheets, get my package etc. And then I think I will sleep!! It is scarcely cheerful weather. Wonder if it is still foggy over in Sacramento? I am glad to be back but it is going to be lonely. I'll have to follow everyone's good advice and go boyfriend hunting... 

Actually that last was almost a bad joke since I had seen so few guys on campus that  appealed to me at all. However, little did I know at this point how things might soon change rather abruptly although it was not college boys (were there really any college men?) but that basically worked better for me anyway. However my relatives would probably have been appalled or at least disapproving.  I have to laugh at that and I actually did a bit then. I knew the parents would not have approved!  But that was almost the cherry on my sundae!

Not many photos but here is what Campbell Hall looked like much of the time for a number of weeks!. It was a pretty building and nice setting, as the second photo shows.  I was always glad I opted for the Honor Dorm my second year. After that, it was off campus, a tale for a little ater.

Memoir Mondays Dec 22 and 29, 1967

Much of this block, Mondays, Dec 22 and Dec 29,  I was in California, the second holiday season  there for me. I shared it with Charlie Mike, of course, since he had been there since the end of October.  I was glad not to have to stay in Flagstaff and perhaps even gladder not to be in Clarkdale as I had been the year before but it was not a total delight. The tight group of Dad's siblings (seriously enmeshed family!!) were not restful or really peaceful people  and they were not kind or welcoming to Uncle Dan's newish French wife and her four kids from her prior marriage. Their two girls were still very young and his son was either not born or still an infant. I wrote very little about the whole period since my journal was back in the dorm and we mostly kept very busy during those weeks from December 18 until January 2. 

Dec  18, 1967  Monday

Here I sit in the same room that was home to me for awhile in 1965-66 about this time. 

We wre dismissed from NAU at noonish on Saturday, the 16th. It had eased off some but still deep snow and some falling. I lost no time in headng to town with my baggage. Once at the depot, I found out my reservation--for several days later--was worthless so all I could do was wait and hope, as did many others.  I got 'picked up' in the depot by an ex-Marine who I had thought was a student and we fooled around together from 6:00 until midnight or so. It was really crazy. I could be a pussycat if I tried, believe it or not, because I 'turn on' a lot quicker than I used to. But I still do not like the taste of beer; so pub crawling was off. I then sat  for the rest of the night in the depot. Train #1 must have set a record for lateness . It got to Flag at 6:00 am. No one was there to put me aboard or see me off but I had lots of company. I ended up sitting with Alida Nichols who I had not known previously Her folks had moved from Prescott to Seattle recently and she had stayed at Flagstaff, already enrolled at NAU. She had never been on a long trip or even anywhere by train before so I got to enjoy playing the well-traveled sophisticate! It was a nice trip but I slept quite a lot after too many hours awake the last 36 or so. Got to Stockton about 8:00 pm and there was Charlie Mike with Aunts Grace and Roxie to meet me.  So far it is nice. I don't know how it will be for the whole two weeks but maybe it wil be okay. I want to relax because I need to in the worst way!

Dec 26, 1967 Tuesday

I've been here a week already. Christmas had done went and gone. It was quite a day. Those family dinners are a mob scene which I could readily do without but I am $20 richer and have a stack of aassorted goodies for my pains. Uncle Dan flew to Arizona last night and called us from Prescott. (I think he had a plane then and likely flew himself but am not sure,. I know he did at times.) I talked to The Boss briefly--seems Dan went on to Phoenix(?) The old man assured me whatever I had done with the horses was okay. Ruth repeated that same message to me later. Well duh, I thought. It damn well better be!! For sure he had really not done a single thing to work that all out since September 1. Thus I did my eldest daughter thing and acted mostly out of my love and care for the animals themselves with little concern for what he might say, think or do.  I felt I did well. Damn his worthless opinion!

We are supposed to go to San Francisco on Friday and to see Gone With the Wind on Sunday. I already got my hair fixed. It looked really cool at first and ise asier to take care of. I also got a darling suit. Now I need to get a blue one to exchnage with it. (Seems like it was maybe blue, yellow and red check or plaid?) I really do not have much to say--plenty of thoughts but they are too vague and complicated to write down. 

The rest of the time I covered briefly when I was back at Flagstaff so I will touch a few high spots here that I extracted from that first anuary entry. 

it was quite a vacation but I am tired now. Maybe it is a different sort of tiredness though. It was so hectic. I met Charlie Mike's girfriend Kathy, went shopping, watched TV on the new color set Dan had given to Roxie and the boys. I saw Chueck Connor's new show and I still like him as well as the old Rifleman days. He is now the "Cowboy in Africa". Cousin Steve had a motorcycle wreck--not serious-- and we went to see "Gone with the Wind" It was fantastic and I loved every minute of it. Then Mom and Alex came out on New Year's Day and yesterday Larry drove us to Stockton and I boarded #2 to head back east. 

A few photos: Aunt Grace and Aunt Roxie at Stockton Depot. A view of the wintery  Pacific near San Frlncisco and then  the back yard at Aunt Roxie's house. Finally Cousin Larry with Mom and Alex as they arrived from Kentucky. They were pretty travel worn, I know. I wish they could have waited a bit longer but...

  

So to jump to another small tale.  

I signed up on 23 and Me several years ago--2? 3? more? Anyway at that time I found I was mostly (95%) British/Celtc with Irish, Welsh and Anglo-English ancestry.

 They have since updated a bit and I acquired another small smidge of 'new' genetic backgroud. That thread traces to a very distant ancestor in North Africa who came across to the Iberian Penninsula and ended up being part of an offshoot of the Portugese which was closely kin to a quasi-Celtic enclave there and also related to the Basque folk who lived along the Spanish and French border from which many later migrated to North America. 

Many of these folks settled mostly in California and a bit in the southern Rockies and took up the trade of sheep herding, which they had done in Europe. My sole tie to these people goes much farther back and wove into the Irish Celtic people. That was long before there was a North America--at least known to the Europeans,  but that trace exists in my past and I am intrigued by it.

A couple of years ago I came across a portrait of a Portuguese woman that stopped me in my tracks. I could almost morph her itno my mother! The facial features were very similar. The Portuguese lady also wore tats and other markings that certainly seemed very "Celtic." I was like whoa, but now I do understand.  Perhaps I have a very, very distant cousin who resides in Portugal in a splinter group that tends toward rebellion against the ruling cadre... 

So below see first the Portuguese lady and then a picture of my mother in about 1985 and be as surprised as I was. 

Memoir Monday, Dec 15 1967

 And this week ended up being disrupted by weather, even oddly leading into events, not then known, that would have some significant impacts on my life.  Before it was over, I was all but out of town and of Arizona for the holiday, not rerturning until after the start of 1968. But here, things had briefly become calm and routine for a bit so my reports were very prosaic. I was still a bit scattered and shattered, though. Like I had almost dozed and woke up in a new world...`I was like woah!!

Dec 10, 1967  Sunday

So far it  has been a pretty nice weekend. the first peaceful one I have had in a racoon's age and I am making the most out of it. Yesterday the weather was nasty so I only went out long enough to make a quick trip to the PO. I got Charlie Mike's shirt finished except for the snaps and wrapped all the California Chirstmas gifts, helped a little on the dorm decorations, cleaned and rearranged my room and read about a short half of the material for government. I went to bed at 1:30 last night but took an afternoon nap to keep me going. 

This morning I slept 'til 10:15 . I was so shockd I could not beleive the clock.  I did my accounting asignment while I ate brunch and then went walking at noon I covered the railyard in an hour and a half carrying on a monolgoue with a non-existent and invisible Dusty as I went along. Got back to the dorm at 1:20 for the second half of my 'meal' and recorded all the numbers I had collcted for Charlie Mike. At 3:00 I decided to come to the library and here I plan to stay for four or five hours to study my DAPR for the exam tomorrow and get my accounting done for the week. By then I should be ready to go back to my little hole-in-the-wall and get beautified for the coming week--a major project? 

Dec 11, 1967 Monday

The DAPR exam is over, It was rough but I hope I did fairly well on it. Now for the govt exam on Friday.I  got two letters from Mom and one from Charlie Mike.  That helped as I was not feeing too good or cheerful,. This afternoon I went to the record shop, checked Mom's mail and confirmed my reservation. It will cost me $39.05 round trip which is not at all bad. I finished a letter to Mom and it's now 8:00 pm.  I am not anxious to,  but I had better redo that one problem for accounting and at least rough draft the marketing case for Wednesday. Then maybe I will write to Charlie Mike. 

Dec 12, 1967 Tuesday

I've studied nearly all day and now I am sort of floatng around in a daze. But I've read the major part of my goverment material. It is a cloudy cold night--17 they said a while back and supposed to snow. Coming back from the libray I was reminded of a night roughly two years ago when I caught a very later train...

I still cannot quite accept the fact that he is gone out of my life. Mostly I can but only on the surface. Down inside I still need to belong to him.-or him to me. But maybe I have chnged too much. I can't say. Sometimes  I feel a little bitter and angty but mostly it is just a sweet empty sorrow. It seems a litle unreal like everything in my past does and like the present also does. Reality isn't real; it isn't anything at all

Dece 13, 1967 Wed

And did it snow,. 7" at 7:00, 14" at 10:00, 24" at 5:00 and still sifting silently down. It is cold but beautiful . I almost love it. I don't know why I should feel so content and relaxed but I do.  I sat on the front desk during the first half of the "Invitational" I wore my blue satin skirt and the white blouse of sheer lace with a velvet ribbon holding my hair back. The effect was old-fashioned and maybe charming. I got lots of compliments. I always manage to be different. I sort of pride myself in it, realy. Later I walked out in the snow with Nancy and Robin. I can't race and puppy frolic but I do love it. It's never dark on a snowy night. Had it been this bad two years ago, Dusty and I would not have made it. Old 'Spinner could not break 2 1/2 feet of snow. Guess I should go to bed as it as is approachung midnight but I may not try too hard to make my 8:00 class tomorrow. Suddenly I am sleepy Missed a nap today. I did get Charlie Mike's shirt finished and wrapped so all the gifts are ready. I got his number books and put them in the lock box. All I have to pack now is my clothes.  Got notes from Mary and Kit Lewis today. Maybe I will hear from Mom tomorrow. I really hope we do not get let out. It wouid be best in the long run, but we may. 

Dec 15, 1967 Friday

Yuck. Another day of snow. I cannot believe this weather. No classes yesterday and again today. I want to leave but we may have classes and tests on Monday...So here I sit, bored.  I feel like a prisoner in a medieval fortress as I look out my window and see the wirling snow.  Everyone is half frantic that we will be stuck here for the holidays. That is cause for panic. However right now there is no easy way to get 7000 people out of here. The trains are running and some busses but way behind schedule. The highways aremostly losed or in very bad shape..  Maybe I should pack just in case we do get released soon. I want to be ready anytime. Lots of people are going to leave today but I do not dare yet. I may go uptown after awhile if it lets up a little and get some chow for the weekend and books to read. It is really nasty out now so I won't go yet. I think I'll just flop down and sleep awhile as I went to bed at12:000 and woke at 6:00. 

But they finally let school out at noon on Saturday!! It was almost a perfect parallell to 1964,  so much of it was a real deja vu. I will pick up the narrative next week with a review of the traveling weekend and the trip to start my slightly extended holiday.

Snowy photos.1 and 4 were printed in Trains Magazine at a later time--like 2020 or so--and show the Flagstaff depot then-for BNSF/Amtrak- and the rest of a train extending to the east. That view was familiar, with snow--from a number of times.  In the middle are two scenes--one is the view from my Campbell Hall room, the first one--imagine looking at that with ice cycles and blurs of snow. Then another view after a different storm when some had melted but  lots was still piled around.

Memoir Monday, Dec 8, 1967

This was the week I actually made the ultimate disposition of the main horses. I knew I had to so I went down Saturday, Dec 2  and managed it. That was a final big burden off my shoulders and I was satisfied with the result, truly sad but vastly relieved. 

I got back from my trip to visit Judy and had to jump right back into school and then that first weekend into the loose ends remaining after the departure of everyone else. 

Dec 3, 1967, Sunday

It has been so busy. Well, Leo as well as Buzzie now properly belong to Don and Nancy Shellman and Lyno to the Lewises. I had sort of dreading the business of finally really selling them--papers signed and all as it had been informal earlier--but yesterday it worked out fine.  Richie and Kit Lewis are so nice. I feel like I have known them for ages. They are so affectionate and all, just like a couple of kids "going steady" though they have been married quite awhile. Maybe I should wait until I am about 40 to get married!  Chief is in fairly good care for now and will be placed later. As of now, he is safe and secure as are Twinkles and CynMas. 

The time is whizzing by. I walked out to the El Rancho shopping center today. It was just a beautiful day and I got a fair start on my holiday shopping. I am making some clothes for Mom--a blouse and a dress. I'll try to get a skirt at Goodwill and/or some slacks. I have a radio and two books for Alex and a lockbox for Charlie Mike. I will get stationery for Mama Witt and Aunt Mary and find something for Papa Witt. Then I wil take care of the California folks. I slept from 10:20 to 8:30 last night, got up once to get excedrin for my aching tooth is all. I have to get them fixed. Maybe I should sew a litle. I can get a good start on Mom's dress, for example. The dark younger guy was driving the bus yesterday. He is even cuter than Nick and a joker, too. Louie was on coming back. Nick has the Black Canyon run now I think. Shall I got to Phoenix early--or return midafternoon? Oh yeah.

Dec 7, 1967  Thursday

I have hardly done a lick of school  work all week. I'll probably be sorry, too. Got my KY Package ready last night. Mom's dress and blouse came out cute. I do hope she likes them. I feel good to send everyone soemething anyway. I'm sure Mama Witt and Aunt Mary can use the stationery since they both do letters a lot. And I think they all will enjoy the candy even if it is not Russell Stovers or Mrs Sees. I've got my spring schedule all worked out and I will take my cards back to Dr Downum tomorrow. He is always so nice. I'll be taking seventeen hours all told, five business courses and report writing, And I have 8:00's every day again. I just have to. And a 2:00 MWF but I am done at 10:00 TTh. Since I am not leaving early most of the time anymore, the Friday afternoon really isn't critical. I am struggling along with the bus stop story; it is roughed thru but I am not real satisfied with it. However I think it will come around and be done to hand in on the 19th. This weekend I've got to sew and study and study some more. The time is really slipping away from me at a frantic pace. Only 1 1/2 weeks until vacation time. Tomorrow I have to mail the KY package and make my holiday reservation.

The rest of the week went by with classes and normal stuff. It was almost a treat to be simply normal after so much drama.  I was still missing Dusty and still feeling lonely and almost abandoned if I let myself think about it but the 'new life' was starting to seem more real and in many ways, a preferred situatiion to what had come before for much too long. 

It seems I was writing a story for a class, but Report Writing? Well, whatever. I was trying to do some short ficiton along about this time.  I did take a creative writing class too; one semester? Did I cross them up? Oh, whatever! I may share that story sometime before long. Still very amateur at this point.

 Pictures: This was the following year but Lyno, fat and sassy, and probably in foal at Lewis's place the next fall. She was run in a small local race or two and produced at least one foal though I am not sure who the sire was,. Not Leo for sure. I found one of Kit in that corral feeding a calf.  She was by now  a ranch-woman looking lady though actually from New Englan I think. He was an old cowboy and horseman of some  renown and had managed the Verde Valley School stable.

Memoir Monday, Dec 1. 1967

 So the eleventh month was about to fade away and the last one of 1967 was coming fast. It would see me on another trip exactly two years from the day I made my first one in 1965. But save that for a couple of weeks.

Nov 23, 1967  Thursday

I had better write about my trip before I forget. The train ride was neat, of course. I enjoyed every bit of daylight but it gets rather dull out at night. Got lots of numbers for Charlie Mike, some photos and an exttra time table so I can give Judy one.  And speaking of Judy, we got along fine, just as if we had known each other forever. I guess we  hardly stopped talking the whole time. I was a little shocked at her house and housekeeping but it's just what I am used to, really. I wasn't impressed with the her friends, the Trahants--their stud could amount to something if he was worked down but he presently reminds me of a sausage and is in need of some training by a real trainer. The country around there is just beautful. If it wasn't so crowded I'd think it an ideal place to live. I think I'd like the Central Valley better though, over near the Sierras.  Bernardino is a pretty town, close to the mounatins. I think I'd like it there really. Two RRs--maybe three. Yes, the UP, The SP (esspee) and the Santa Fe. I could surely get a job with one of them doing something. 

Nov 26, 1967 Sunday

I'm now on my way home. The vacation sure did pass fast and I had a nice time. Judy and I hit it off neat, as if we had known each other for forever and always. The kids of hers are kind of spoiled but not bad and even Morris really isn't a vampire,  just a big greasy bear. Cajon Pass and the mountains above Bernardino are really pretty.  The San Berbardino  yards were really full.  I got some numbers and photos. Saw several outfits coming ithrough Arizona and and so far only one in California, at Ludlow. Snapped the depots in Bernardinao, Victorville and Barstow. 

Nov 30, 1967 Thursday

I was kind of glad to get home but hated to have to start right back to classes. I sure have lost my conscience somewhere because I just don't study like I used to. I could just die about my accounting test--75/100 is disgraceful. And I missexd one of the easiest sections entirely losing 12 points. I could cry. I'm going to wind up with a disasterous average if I'm not careful. I have got to settle down and get with it. The mess just over is no excuse.

Anyway it was good to get away. Now Judy would like to come over during the semester break. Maybe we can work that out, too. By then if I get on the ball I might have a good start on some other writing project. I do want to get some of that neat purple material up at Sprouse Reitz and make a suit. It's subdued enough it  won't be too loud, I don't think. 

I was obviously home before Dec 1 and did not write that day, a Friday, nor the prior Friday Nov 24 when I was in California. 

A few train pictures to enliven the text,  mostly from the recent trip..  The first is the depot in San Bernardino through which I arrived/departed  at least two times. Next somewhere in CA that I never noted but an outfit car, for sure. And a bridge in the CA desert, again location not noted but probably near Barstow.

Monday Memoir, Nov 24, 1967

And at last it was really over. For sure life would never be the same again, especially mine. In the coming months I would have some new and different adventures and almost went a bit wild and crazy for awhile. That helped me to survive and begin to chart some new paths. It was not either the best or the worst of times, just mostlyvery different. Finally at the age of  24-25, I was my own person and many constraints were gone  Ghosts and memories still haunted me but I slowly shed them and consigned them to the back of a dark mental closet. I did not want to remember, much less talk about most of them for decades. Here and now at last I can be detached. 

Nov 18, 1967  Saturday

Well, they are off. The east bound Chief was five minutes early. That's really fantastic. I worked hard to be cheerful and charming but it realy makes me feel better when I do it. Except for the letdown afterwards. Alex was sure excited but I do not blame him. That's lots of trip for a small tyke. It will be quite an experience for him. I saw both Nicks. D was drrving a bus and passed while we were eating in the Lumberjack, probably with a direct Phoenix run. The other was at Foodtown, all tricked out in a black suit; somebody (rodeo club or foresters) was getting married  I think.  Well, in two more days it will be my turn. To travel, not thankfully to get married!!  I've seen lots of people off but haven't done much traveling myself for awhile. But my day will come. They are in Gallup about now, that's way over there. Those big old deisels do get down the line. We had a nice time playing records and talking. I think I got them off to a good start. I have this weird feeling it will be stormy Tuesday. Then it will be too much like a time before except no one wiill be seeing me off this time. I'd better go to bed--it is 1:45 am

Nov 19, 1967 Sunday

It is all unreal yet too real. I stayed in bed late, abouit 9:30 before I really got up. Then I completely cleaned and rearranged my room. By the time that was done, I ate a quick snack and walked to town where I parted with $1.00 for the priviledge of watching "Dr. Zhivago" Worth the price, as it was a fantastic movie; I cried. Like The Sandpiper, the depths of emotions were too close to me. I had a terrible headache and was sick and dizzy when I got back so I took two Excedrins and laid down. I feel so desperately lonely. Finally I tried to call Jim but he was not there. I sat and talked to Dusty's picture for awhile and then went to the library where I am now. It is cold and I am cold, inside and out, but I suppose it's better than being in my lonely room in a way. It is impersonal and quiet and cold. One doesn't feel anything here. I should be studying my accounting. I need to do well on that exam. Just two days until my trip. It seems so unreal. Everything. Unreal and yet still too real. I have a feeling of waiting. So far there are three eras of my life--before Dusty, during Dusty and now apparently after Dusrty. The waiting is for someone, I think. I could have, would have, been willing to go on with him but I can't let myself regret it too much.  I suppose we were-or are now--too different in ways that would eventually lead to conflict. I can't think that Jim is' the one'; he isn't real. It will have to be a very real and vital and powerful person. Dusty was all that in his realm. He was the chief, the boss. Mr. C.D. Watt lives but I think Dusty must be dead. He only lived for and in me. Perhaps I do not need him now but I am so lonely.... I know Nick is not right. It is just a simple animal passion type attraction. Some people have more attraction for certain people than theyhave for others. Yet the old fashionedness of me rebels against changing . I gave Dusty too much  but with him it was truly  beautiful in spite of the perhaps sordid settng. And that special fact can live as long as I wish. I want too much. I always have. But I am able to build part of it out of my imagination. If it weren't for that I would not be able to bear life now at all. 

Nov 21, 1967 Tuesday

Grrr. Just one class (English Comp) amd it just got dismissed. Dr Strauss dismissed our class meeting as of yesterday.. So I really could have left yesterday but that's okay I guess. Last night I packed and wrote letters. So now I really haven't anythng to do.  I could sew and I may write. I don't want to mess my room up. All I really have to do until 1:00 is  get my mail, eat lunch, change into my black britches and go to the depot. I may try to repack some to make sure my stuff rides well. I don't want clothes to get crumpled. The rest just must be protected. I hope I have not forgotten anything. I have a most deadly case of fidgets and it is not even 11:00 yet. How will I even live to train time?  I made ''paper dolls" for awhile , got my mail and rearranged my suitcase to include the photot album. I gues I'll check the suitcase since it locks reliably and the handle stays on. But I will carry the rest. And it will be heavy just getting up to the depot. They said on the radio that Eric Stadleman died as a result of injuries in a traffic accident in Cottonwood on Sunday. It was awhile coming but I knew it was almost inevitable. I thought he had straightened up some though.

So after a few short days alone,.I was heading off to southern California to visit Judy. I was pretty excited about it. It would be a big distraction and a special vacation after the ongoing catastrophes of the fall. We  had not met yet but were long-term penpals and had shared a great deal of our complicated and at times difficult lives so we would not really meet as strangers. As for Eric, he had been my nemesis for two years of high school and was really not a nice guy at all. I really despised him. While I was not glad he had been killed, it was not too easy to feel very sorry. I am not sure if he had gotten married or not but I think likely not. Many girls were turned off by him 

A few photos, though not sure they were this trip or another.Judy moved a few times and ended up in Perris, CA,  possibly by this time.  The first is her with her husband Morris and her two sons. Next I am at San Bernardino at the depot where they came and met me.  And last Judy and her goats out near Elsinore.

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Monday Memoir, Nov 17, 1967

 And the last day finally came, ending very late but it was done and I was alone to stay that way for quite a long time. Septermber 1 through November 18--two and a half months, give or take. Looking back it is really strange, days and weeks out of time, a stupid, crazy, horrible plot and tale. If a book I would throw it in the firplace,  a movie  I would walk out of the theater and a TV drama I would turn it off.  But it was finally essentially over. 

Nov 12, 1967 Sunday

At 11:00 pm I am so sleepy I can hardly keep my eyesw open. It has been a real busy weekend. I shagged outta here on Saturday clad in my black riders and red Indian style blouse with my new black bus driver boots. I got $100 from Uncle Dan Friday and put $60 in the bank so I  bought me a pair of Wellingtons at Babbitt's. Old Louie took me down for the last time to call it "home" even if it really wasn't. We sorted and stacked and today loaded the big old truck. Mom must get someone to drive it over to Prescott tomorrow. I'll be glad to scratch off that deal for final. May go down to see the horses occasionally but that's about all.  By or before next weekend I should be seeing Mom and Alex off to Kentucky and in just over a week I'll be off to California--the southern part. They say Nick is working extra board now and that he lives in Flagstaff. That might be valuable info sometimes--one never knows. Dusty has worn out my patience. He almost ceases to exist... I am going to take his picture down.  I am not going to be bitter about it. He did more for me than anyone ever will and I owe being here to him, really. I will always love and remember him for changing my life for me. It is not all right so is it the end?

Nov 13, 1967 Monday

Another Monday already and boy, do I feel rough, I am stiff and sore in every single muscle. Guess I should have taken a shower before bed instead of this morning but I was just too tired. Anyway I left the truck 80% or more loaded  so Mom should be able to  make it over there today. Maybe she can find somebody to drive the old crate for her. Thank God I don't have an accounting test this morning. I don't think I'd do too well on it if I did. I sure hope Dr Straus gives back our govt tests today and I hope I did better than the last one. If I didn't I'll just die! But I just about have to. I'm so tired I wish I could sleep all day and then maybe I'd feel better. But I have to keep going until 1:00 pm and then I really need to run uptown and deposit a check temporarily for Mom. Supposedly she is off to Kentucky by the weekend at the latest. I hope it all goes thru okay. I may be lonely and a little depressed but I will feel curiously free when it is all over. I already do in part but still have four equines too truly dispose of one way or another as the Lewis's don't particularly want to buy Leo and Lyno permanently but they will keep them awhile more anyway. I must write off and get the transfer papers immediately as I did not find any for all my searching over the weekend. Perhaps I can do that today, this evening. I have to start on the Marketing case and also have five chapters to read. Too much to do, my usual complaint

Niv 15, 1967 Wednesday

Wednesday morning and I really don't give a hang whether I go to class today or not.  But I will.. Last night I iorned, took two pain pills and read "Yellow Hair" by Clay Fisher. It was really a good book. Mom called. She and Alex were at Prescott bus depot going to return to Clarkdale end stay with Red and Lola. The truck had caught fire (carburetor) and had to be repaired before it could be moved, but she hoped to roll today or tomorrow, check on the storage stuff Friday and head on for Kentucky then. I hope it  all goes this time. It has dragged out for so long. Must hit that Mktg case--for sure. I have my accounting done til the test Monday except for part of one problem and studying. I'll have to spend much of Thursday at the library. Somehow I want to make it to see Dr Zhivago. I'd go tonight but I am on the desk from 7:00 to 8:00. Maybe Friday if Mom and Alex are not here, going, by then. Or Saturday as it  will still be on then. Wish I'd get some mail. Sure have not been getting much lately nor any phone calls except about family. A person could get discouraged if they let themselves. But I'll try not to I guess. Psych test is Thursday. I'll be glad to have that over with before trip time. I was afraid it would be Tuesday and I couldn't go early. Now there is no problem on that front. I'll make my reservations when I make Mom and Alex's or Sunday at the latest. 

Nov 16, 1967 Thursday

Here's me. I cut Govt yesterday and English today. I always feel quite wicked when I cut a class. So far I think I have cut Govt three times, Enlish twice, Psyhch twice and and Mktg once.  That is poorer attendance than last year but I have had my problems.  Guess who is getting married right away? Ms Peggy Watt. Would you believe? So that is one problem off her daddy's hands--or maybe one more. I don't know if Bill is capable of supporiing a wife at present or not. However he should graduate in May if I am not mistaken. Gee, sure makes me feel like an old maid. So many people are getting married. It is going to be harder and harder to find a guy no one has latched onto. Therefore I feel more justified in following my theory that all is fair in love and war--and also horse trading, Hey ladies, want to do a little horse trading? 

Peggy was Dusty's daughter, you may recall. Bill Luthy, her fiance, was a pre-law student and I had met him in some events but of course he had no idea who I was.  They ended up in Las Vegas I later founnd out and were still married in the 201x time frame.

Nov 17, 1967 Friday

Mom did not call last night. Now I don't know whether to get her money out and also about reservations. I got a good start on the mktg case in rough draft and did some sewing. I finished the satin suit and started on the two-tone blue dress. I should have pressed as I sewed. Nick King was here last night. He came for Ann of course  but that guy is something. His eyes are not as blue as the other Nick but he is a neat looking hunk of male, smaller than Ann even in boots but they do make a cool couple. There goes the west bound Super Chief/El Capitan and not much late today.  I hope Mom calls today. She has me worried and I don't even know where to reach her. Heard from Charlie Mike anyway and he seems to be getting along okay. I'm awfully glad and wish I could adjust well too. I'm so lonely at times this year. Mary won't write, Jim won't write and Dusty's gone.  Quit feeling sorry for yourself, girl. You ought to be ashamed. 

Later. like about 10:40. On desk as usual on Friday night. I think I am a glutton for punishment. I've felt so inreal today; it's just stress and tiredness I guess. Mom called, when I had just got back from town. I got the money for her on a hunch she'd call. My ESP was working. So I enjoyed my dinner more than most for awhile. Spaghetti, always a favorite. Mom and Alex will be here in the  middle of the afternoon tomorrow. I'd have made a reservation but not sure if she wanted to go by Chicago or Kansas City, so I didn't. I'll do mine tomorrow. And I found the QH papers. Mom will be relieved too. I would have sworn I didn't have them but I did. Duh.  So this time tomorrow I will be alone. It will hurt for awhile  but I've got to learn to live with it, But it won't be long until Christmas and I'll be really busy until then.  I'm just so tired I can't beleive it. I was so tense today until Mom called that I just exhauusted myself. I've got to take things easier somehow...

Kind of TMI all jumbled here but I was writing out my nerves and anxiety mostly. Still too many small issues but at last they were all but resolved. I am still missing a few key pieces that just are not in my journal and have been lost in the memory bank for some 58  years.  At this point they do not matter.  I may struggle to find photos but we'll see. I knew dad was sentenced to the State Hospital on his insanity plea, so that was finally over. He was moved there at once I think.

Pictures? Duh--maybe a bus or two since they were well used at this point. I was using Trailways then as it went through the Verde Valley as Greyhound did not. It cameinto my world  later,. That main street of Cottonwood,  a few years earlier, but I can almost find the bus stop--Lillian's coffee shop on the right side. That is all "Old Cottonwood" now. So different.

 

Monday Memoir, Nov 10, 1967

 Roadblocks, detours and delays. It just kept stretching out. When will the finale come?  The 4th and 5th I went back down, maybe just for one day. My notees were not clear, . Nick did not drive so I rode down with Louie and back with another driver I did not know. I was fighting off depression and it was hard. I still had too many things waiting to see what would happen and it had spread into my regular 'school' hours too. But when I tried to back off trom the family equine stuff, I would think about Dusty and admit how much it hurt to have not heard from him for so long. I knew it would  probably be a long time and maybe never again but I  had to wonder "Why did he have to pull the pin on me now?  At this time? I need something to cling to so much!" But I realized later he did not know. Later I learned a lot more of the why and realized it was not his choice, just fate and reality. So on...

 Nov 8, Wednesday

Here I am just wasting time when I should be doing soemthing useful but I don't have my government book with me and I don't feel like reading Marketing.  I just got a letter from Mom. She is planning to get to Prescott this week. I hope she will make it. The hearing is to be next Tuesday. I do not know yet whether I shall go or stay this weekend.  That remains to be seen and depends on how things work out. I may just stay, study, sew, and watch the rail and then go next weekend if she has not left by then. Perhaps she could come to Flag with me and take the train east then. We'll see.  I wrote to Jim last night; perhaps I shouldn't have but...he has not been in contact at all and with the people he knows and has to work with, the Morgan fiasco has to put a big shade on me. But I do seriously need somebody for a male friend if I cannot quite manage a lover for the time being. I should go todayand have a chest x-ray and a flu shot if the unit is still there when I go to change my sheets after lunch. I really cannot afford to get down sick this year and 50 cents is a small price to pay for an ounce of prevention. My paragraphing is atrocious. I throw together all sorts of unrelated ideas. Let's see. Tonight is Rodeo Club. I must remember to take Coleen's purse. Then ,I need to write Linda and Shirl (pen pals) wash my hair and read some psych or marketing. Tomorrow morning I must finish the Govt reading and study/review on it in the evening after Mom calls. I have been in an awful mood for three days--not unusual when I am due and late. My system is really screwed up. I never know when to expect the monthlies anymore but I used to be pretty regular.  No doubt I should go and have a check-up but I keep putting it off along with getting work on my teeth. It is so easy to get to where you just don't give a hang so long as it is not agonizingly painful.  I am wearing the new red shirt today and just thought if it fades on my pink shell, I will be really ticked.  Had better go as it is almost time for accounting, then an hour of govt and finally lunch and "freedom.'"

The rest of the week passed unwritten. Again my memorywavers and things do not quite seem to match up and make sense. Why would Mom got to Prescott midweek unless Dad insisted to see her? She could not truly leave before the hearing and whatever evolved then, anyway. She had considered going to Phoenix and taking a bus to Kentucky. I was almost admanat she and Alex needed to take the train and was more than willing to make their reservations and get the tickets, paying them myself. I know that Leo, Lyno and Buzzie were gone and I think someone had taken Chief. I must have arranged for Twinkles and Cyn Mas as well but the details were never recorded. Charlie Mike had given Ringo to the landlord so there were no more animals to care for, at least. 

Another forgotten thing--I knew Mom had someone drive the big Green Ford to Prescott with  some stuff they still had in it but then what? The stuff was stored in the warehouse with the part the seizure did not claim, but  I know we/they never got the truck back. Did she sell it? Did they seize it?  Charlie Mike was gone so he may not know. Alex would but I never thought to ask him and now he has been gone twenty years! I did go back down once more I know but that is for the last two November memories. 

Photos: A year or two earlier but memories... Charlie Mike holding Buzzie with the F750 in the background. We did get good use out of that truck after trading for it in about 1960. And Alex on Leo, earlier that 1967 summer. So I honor both my brothers and two of the special horses. All of their lives were changed so drastically in a couple of months' time. Sad.  Someday and some way our male parent will have to answer for that. Perhaps he has but I also want to hear it directly from him. Why? Are you sorry?  

Monday Memoir, Nov 3, 1967

 Things happened in fits and starts. I was alternately trying to get into a "normality" of school and 'stuff' that was still mostly familiar from September 1966 through the latter part of August but also I  was drawn back and near-drowning in worries as the last act of the drama unfolded. I am not sure how I survived but I did. My Goddess and my Guardian Angel, who I had not yet named at this point, were there at my side, steadying hands to comfort and direct me, I think. I barely knew them then but did believe. So I wrote a lot on Oct 28, which I will excerpt some here and then a few more days until the next Friday, November 3.

Aug 28, Saturday

I guess Charlie Mike is enjoying (?) his first  night in California now. He was really excited. He got in on Tommy Knowles' bus yesterday at 2:30. We left his baggage at the depot and then numbered the yard and everything that came through. He went down to campus to have dinner with me and then we hung out until #1, The San Francisco Chief, pulled in about 9:50. I noted the consist and then came back to my room and spent a late  evening writing letters.

Ths morning it was colder than Satan's outhouse and the furnace was off so I about froze. I studied in bed until about 9:30 and then got up. I checked my mail and my Hank Snow record had arrived. I went down to Colleen's and we went to Taco Bell for lunch and returned to my rom. I changed and we went with Ann Pollock to the barbeque in Nick King's Grand Prix.  I really like Ann. I thought her stuck up but she isn't. The BBQ was okay. June Smith, Peggy Watt's esrtwhile roomie is quite a pussycat as is Joann Hoaglund. Those Kingman girls --pretty wild. But I got dinner for a quarter.  I decided to call the bus depot ithe next morning and see who has the Prescott local. If it is Nick I will surprise Mom with a visit. She is probably feeling a little low.  I can show her the timetable data on a rail trip to Kentucky easier than trying to explain on the phone. 

Turned out he was and I did. His eyes were much bluer than I had first thought. We again joked about my jacket.  That evening when I went back, Louie was driving.  But I was glad I had gone down because Mom was pretty blue. And we sold the three Quarter Horses for $100 each--Richie Lewis took Lyno and Leo and a gal who is going to be living near the temporary home  took Buzzie. I had to make a fast decision and I hated to do it but I am sure it was for the best. Mom got the $200 and I kept Buzzie's price.

Monday I was back to Flag  and it was cold again,. Everyone was wondering when the first snow would fall. I went to an honors assembly and got a nice little letler and certificate for "being a good bookworm" as I said sarcastically. No one was there to see or applaud for me. No matter. I am beginning to hope to make a trip for Thanksgiving, either to Tucson to see Mary or to Southern Cal to visit Judy. I have NO wish to be in the dorm for those long several days of the holiday. 

Nov 2, Thursday

I got the second highest in DAPR--101. !02 was the top. I did go and talk to Mrs Johnson (Psych prof)  about her demand that all be in class on Nov 21--an afternoon class that would let out after 2:30. How would that play with my plan to leave for the holiday? She was rather adamant though. I put my check for Buzzie in the bank. That $100 meant a lot despite my deep sadness to let her go. It was for her welfare, really. I could as asily have given her away to a good hoime but I think this will be one. I liked that gal and she seemed sincere.

I did go back down the weekend of the 4th and 5th but that is part of the next week's tale.

No good photos so  my last one with Lyno and Buzzie and the twoof them a few days before.. I did see them again later but they would never more be mine except in memories. There was always a little empty place in my soul. So much of me went away as various animals were taken, sold or died. I will see them in the Green Pastures, though. I count on it. The Rainbow Bridge goes there too.

Lanterns to find myself...

 

This is not a memoir and it is not a diatribe. It may be a strange kind of hybrid of both although that is not really my purpose. The other day I came across a quote from Emily Dickinson. To verify, here it is

The phrase, "I am out with lanterns, looking for myself," is a famous quote by the poet Emily Dickinson. While it has a deep metaphorical meaning about self-discovery, its literal origin was a casual remark in a personal letter.

That really hit me and since I had just written part of this a day or two ago, I continued thinking. Who actually am I and why? How did I get to where and how I am today?

In short I have re-found a person or viewpoint that has been an essential part of me for close to seven decades. I have now relocated a philosophy and belief system that fits, feels right, and may clarify many things I have said in my blog, on my FB page and elsewhere. I have a ‘home’ or a ‘tribe’ again. What did I find? I call myself a Libertarian and I blend fiscal conservatism and liberal social standards. It really isn’t so hard,

Fiscal conservatism means I do not respect or honor throwing gobs of money at anything to allegedly ‘fix’ whatever is wrong. It is foolish to try to bribe a person or group of people, much less other nations or the world at large by pouring a constant stream of aid which assumes no worth because it is free--they do not have to do anything to earn it. It merely breeds contempt and a sense of entitlement. , I abhor the Nanny State and the weird idea government at every level exists to “take care of us” and basically handle every citizen like a small child who must be bundled in bubble wrap and ‘protected’ 

Socially liberal means keep out of my medicine cabinet whether I choose to use Tylenol or THC, stay out of my bedroom since who I choose to be intimate with is not your business (unless it is a minor child of any sex), and  firm belief  my body is my sole property and every aspect of its care or even misuse is NOT anyone’s concern.  Worry about exactly what equipment is contained in anyone’s knickers is also NO concern of any allegedly governing  or quasi-religious entity. In a way this is old conservative but also liberal. 

I am fiercely independent and have always resented authority but with maturity I realize there is a hazy line dividing an individual’s rights to be or do anything and where that infringes on the good of all. We are allegedly civilized and short of living off grid in a very remote place, we are constrained to live and basically get along with other folks, often in close proximity. My freedom to swing my arms vigorously must end just before my fist hits your nose.  It is that simple. Judgment and some empathy is needed.

So how did I get to this point? For my first decade, my male parent was my hero and I almost felt he could do no wrong. He was a paragon of what a male adult should be and had a ‘right’ to demand obedience and set rigid standards of behavior.  That started to crumble as puberty approached and I began to see where his standards and his “do as I say, not as I do” were not working for me. If at about age nine I had suddenly said “I think I want to be a boy,” were it possible at that time, he would have been willing. Then my brother came along when I was 8 1/2. The new child was a brief joy or pride but then seemed to become extraneou,  not even the common spare heir. He already had a ‘son’ though DTBL it happened to be female. Well, no matter; we will just ignore that, and poor Charlie got the short end of the stick from then on.  Then as I grew taller and developed feminine curves, I decided I wanted some other heroes who were not nearly as demanding and strictly patriarchic. Ooops, not in the plan.

About that time, I also realized that the Divine Entity I chose to honor, pray to and follow was not the harsh, demanding and absolute ruler (much more often as portrayed in religious text despite the “loving father’ clap trap) but was instead more of a mother than a father. From then on my “Christianity” essentially died.  I was basically pagan or heathen but in a rather amorphous way for a long time. She had many names over those years but ultimately simply The Mother. The True Mother, perhaps

I expect the changes came gradually and I realize now much later that my father had serious mental health issues but he was also a classic narcissist with the habits and traits typical of that personality disorder. He could be charming and very appealing, but he could never accept blame, fault or admit to an error. He simply could not say “Hey, I fucked up and I am to blame.” Not even “I am sorry” or simply  “this did not go as I intended.” He made up clever but nasty and rude nicknames for people and developed an ‘enemies list’ that grew geometrically as more and more plans, schemes and efforts went bad andt had to be someone’s fault, someone else's. Before long, it was often mine, also.  I watched this and slowly grew bitter, cynical and very rebellious but that mostly quietly because I was afraid. I learned the pain of emotional and verbal abuse when I ceased to be the adoring and obedient child-pet anymore. That was a hideous sin!!

Those memories, so deeply entrenched in my psyche and spirit,have been a burden for all my adult life. Gaining confidence, courage and the strength to create and build my own personal rules and trust them has been a long struggle. Too easily I became a chameleon to blend and fit and get along, especially in my relationships. In the end that was always self-defeating, but I am immensely grateful I never fell into a truly abusive or vicious relationship. My Goddess and Guardian Angel steered me toward basically decent men who may have been flawed or broken in some ways but were never cruel, brutal or even really uncaring. 

To backtrack a bit, I realize now that my father was an “influenccr” long before that term or idea was recognized as modern technology made it possible. He was a writer and a skilled one. The part I most recall was men’s outdoor adventure and sports magazines but then gradually shifted into several political subjects where words approached diatribes. Influenced by famous botanist, L.N. Goodding (**note follows) a contemporary expert on arid land flora, he turned "Green".  Picture Ayn Rand, George Orwell, Upton Sinclair and others of that era melded together and you get a vague idea. While a lot of it  leaned conservative, it also went deep into the developing progressive/environmental ethos and issues.  He was always a Democrat but at odds with the  developing liberalism at times. He especially wanted independence for himself, at least. Responsibility not so much...

 Both my grandfathers were Republicans and mom was too, though quietly. When I married, my husband and father-in-law were Republicans as well,  though all more in the traditional pattern than the new version. I did slide into the conservative agricultural camp and was active in People For the West etc. I admired Wayne Hage and Helen Chenowith Hage, Julie Smithson and many others in that group. This was a way to oppose what I felt was damaging to my family in my father’s peculiar Don Quixote complex that created real and serious enemies. Its time had not yet come.  I even steered my since deceased youngest brother to a unique woman and her law practice (Lana Marcussen ) after he got his degree and license and he did get involved in property rights issues etc.

But then about the turn from the 20^th century to the  21^st, the “New Conservatives” emerged, taking what had begun with the John Birch Society and the rise of the so called Christian Right and suddenly there was a new slogan and a new face behind the Flag and Cross.  This new figurehead gave me major PTSD. Another control freak narcissist who coined ugly names and said mean and vicious things to anyone who opposed him!  This second term is really much worse with Project 2025 and it’s blatant white supremacy, quasi "Christian"Taiban doctrine and clear idolatry of the Nazi and Fascist past and brutal thoritarian methods.  I have said Charles M Morgan, my male parent who wrote mostly as Chuck Morgan, was almost a flawed prototype of DJT, just not rich, though of course he wanted to be!  

Both philosophically and emotionally there was NO WAY I could support and endure what was happening. I still can’t. But I still do not support the extreme progressive path which will never work well either. So where was I going to fit? I went back into my memories and found the tribe, the clan and the party where I had always really belonged. To my view, taking the best of both extremes and tempering the rest with the Libertarian philosophy of personal responsibility, accepting and using the valid parts of actual socialism where they made sense. Should we really do away with the post office,  the interstate highway system, law enforcement at all levels but under control and hunane rules, municipal services such as garbage, often water and sewer connections and even public schools?  Socialism is nta cuss word, deadly curse or a fast toxic slide to actual  Communism! That is such a limited and naïve a view. 

The USA has functioned almost its whole existence as a mixture of capitalist and socialist practice and patterns. As such, it has worked pretty darn well. And as a Libertarian, I not only condone but agree with this mix, not really a dichotomy. I have fought the idea of "working together"' with the current adminsitration which I find almost totally abhorent and actually evil, but realize the chasm between extremes MUST be bridged and mended if the nation is to survivce. I recently came across the Builders Movement and think perhaps that is the way. There are a fws others.  The "Youing Republican"s are NOT one!!

There is much more I could say but I think this is enough. I am who and now what I am, basically what I have always been inside. I am more emotion based than logical but always pragmatic. Will it work? So I value people much more than ideology and 'polytix'  at any level. Empathy and humanity are not sins or stupid!! We truly are all PEOPLE and we truly MUST accept this and never relegate any part of the Human Species to the trash pile for any imagined inferiority or lack of worth! No group/race/gender etc. is inherently better or worse although individuals certainly can be. This I believe. This is my bottom line and the immovable one where I will stand fast if it takes the rest of my life.A rarely mentioned hero is Ulysses Grant with whom I share a birth date despite intervening years. I too will "fight it out on this line if it takes all summer." It is a Taurus thing, perhaps.

 NOTE ! Leslie Newton Goodding (1880–1967) was an American botanist who was considered an expert in the flora of the Southwestern United States. | Show results with: LN

Photos are my motehr with L.N. Gooding and one just of him. He was an incrdible man and very wise and sincere but not yet aware of much that has happened since his day.