This week life picked me up, shook me like a brief tornado and dropped me back considerably rearranged. Much the same happened again many months later but probably both were preordained. Anyway, events both destructive and potentially diverting evolved. Yes, my finals did get somewhat trashed in the process but I managed to pass everything and not get any really horrible grades. I'm not sure what entity or force to thank for that!
The next year or so evolved in very unplanned ways in my personal life but my scholastic or academic life proceeded mostly in an orderly manner with a few fairly major changes of direction. Most of it was probably a very necessary learning and growing processs; I might have done better to have most of those experiences a bit earlier in my life but ultimately I sorted a number of things out and possibly ended up where I was actually supposed to be. As Yogi Berra said, one must take a fork when you come to one but there is no way to take them both or more--choices happen, whether you intend or want them to or not.
Jan 21, 1968 Sunday
If yesterday was not a billy dilly. got up at 7:30, showered, dressed has a semi breakfast and headed for the bus depot.. Yeah, I was half-hoping it would be Nick Dawson driving, but it wasn't. It was a long tall Souhtern sonof-a-gun named Bud Smit. I was really not aware that he was giving me the eye and since he was not even waring wellingtons, I was not too impressed.. But I did sit in the front seat and watchedhim drive and thought he kind of reminded me of Harve. Nancy Shellamn was waiting atLillians. We went tol ook at Leo first. He is at Geroge Stott's since teh storm delayed Nancy's moving. He looks good. It is Dingbat and not Rico that georege has, though. And he looks just like Peppy. Buzzie looks gine too.
Then I heard the bad news During the storm, Cindy (Cyn Mas) and Twinkles got out over a snow covered fence and were killed on the Cornville Highway where they were both hit by Don O'Whiler (sp?) who was also killed in the process. I wonder how fast he was going in the ice and snow to hit that hard? It was during the stormy holidays and they tried to get in tocuh withme without success. Of course I was in California and no one had an addreess or probably even knew I was there. I was pretty upset about this. I had planned to keep one and sell the other to pay for her feed; I prefered Twinkles since she was so much like her brother Patrick and would break easy but Cindy was a papered Quarter Horse and probably more valuable. But that idea was now impossilbe. Then we went to pick up Jim's wife (a totally different Jim who had been keeping and might take Chief) for her chiropractic appointment. I sawChief and he looked terribe. So we went over to Clarkdale. There was obviously a rockslide outifit and crew in town, probably the same burro crane there last spring. At least I was sure Leo and Buzz and I am sure Lyno are in good hands. It was rumored Louis Dunn paid $150 for Puani but he can't get her papersbecause I have them, never signed over from the guy dad bought them from. My first inclinationn is to buy her back but I know that would be foolish. I am just not meant to have a horse now. So I tired ot eat a little dinner and watched TV with Nancy until 7:30 when we went down to catch the bus.
Bud was still driving and and I was the only passenger. It was weird, just as it it was all meant to be. So we came up the canyon talking about everything under the sun and this time I was impressed. In Flag, we went over to the Greyhound cafeteria and had coffee, still talking. I ended up going down to his studio apartment at the Vandevier Motel where many drivers had space. Turned on the TV to the FM muisc station and sprawled on the bed to drink bourbon and coke. When he reached, I could have said no but I didn't. I'd downed about three drinks on a near-empty stmach andsuddenly I was awfully sick. Knelt on the cold tile with my head over the commode until most of it came up. We walked out in the cold for a bit and I was better but sick again as soon as we came back into the warm room. He took me up for coffee and then walked me down to the dorm. I was silly and talkative but could walk okay. I said I took them down too fast which was true. And I had not had much hard liquor before. .I guess he thought I was scared or something but I really wasn't. I wanted it every bit as much as he did. Last May was an awfully long time ago. I'm sorry, Dusty. He can't take your place because you were first and always special but I waited as long as I could. I've been a peach ripe for picking for quite awhile. Next morning I really felt pretty fair after a shower and some soda crackers and a glass of lemon-lime soda. Guess I'll do my accounting and then go check my mail for yesterday and then maybe a good hike. Waiting for Bud to call-- which he might not do but he said he would.
Well how about that? Are you readers as shocked or surprised as I was when I got up the next day? The loss of the two young mares hit me very hard. I cannot call that a real excuse but a jolting change was past due and it came, like a runaway train. My "education" had begun.
Jan 22, 1968 Monday
So I took my DAPR test, got my programs in. I had gone went down to Nancy's and heard some bad news, got drunk, went to bed with a bus driver and now it is Monday morning again. What do you know? Now there really are no more exams until finals but I've got to hit the books. Dying to see what I got in DAPR. Hope it is okay. Am going to be nice to Harv this morning, Bud did not keep his promise to call yesterday so to hell with him. Just say I had a god time and got rid of some tensions and check that one off. I just may run over to Kingman after all. Find how much the round trip is on the Chief and then go Greyhound? But I may go to Jerome on Sunday just to scare hell out of Jimmie Mac. I feel mighty bitchy!
Jan 23, 1968, Tuesday
Part 1
I am rather ticked at Buddy, really. Can't figure out why he hasn't called except he is just waiting for me to come to him. Which, fool I am, I'll probably end up doing. It all seems so surreal now, amyway. I cannot figure him. If I had only been sober and not all fouled up to begin with over the horses I'd have been more sensitive to impressions and would have a beetter memory of it all and be able to make a better estimate of him. The teasing tenderness of "Pobrecita" (said to/of me at some point) brings one image. He insisted on getting my phone number also. Part of that was clearly just a line yet in a way I think the bottled courage was meant for him as much as for me, and part of his conversation was selling him on the whole idea. Perhaps the fact that I am not on the pill gave him second thoughts. Possibly he needs a little reassurance. (I was not sure but already suspected I might be sterile--the damn mumps.) Then again maybe he is just a playboy out for some fun and a one-night-stand was all he expected. It is all at vaiance and incomprehensible, so many contadictions. I liked him amost instantly once we sstarted talking and was not afraid at all.Or am I kiddin myself again? Did I just imagine/pretend it was Dusty? I wish I wasn't so complicated! If I couild understand myself, other people would be no trouble at all. It was cool coming up, just the two of us in the big old bus--a very odd sort of trip, really. And quite a coincidence. It never happened before and probably never will again.
So far only my vanity is piqued that he has ignored me. I was too easy, but I was 'love starved' (not really sex but human contact and a feeling of being valued)so no use beating around the bush. I might g back for more. That would/could be a problem. I feel kind of bad about being uunfaithful to Dusty, but ye gods, how long am I supposed to wait? No I am so glad May called. That gives me somewhere to go for the break, anyway. And I sure do want to get away from this joint for awhile. She still wants me to transfer to UofA. Maybe I should but not before fall. In ways I'd like to now but I know I wouild screw up the whole deal if I tried.
Part II
By jolly gooly I beleive Ii 'll keep my new year's resolutioins! I waspre3tty tcked at Buddy yesterday asit was suposd to be my 'luucky day" Something mail or aybe male? But you know how ti goes. I haad aphone cakl about 7:45. I was surprsied as hell too. It was Buddy Boy who said I stood him upp last night wand wanted me to come up. He said scare up a glr for his friend but I told him to come get me.But then his sweetie camein onn the bus from AQ and it was the buddy who came after me. His name is Dale Hunter and he looked so damn much like Dusty it really hit me hard. He was just going tot elll me about Bud's 'bad liuck' but then he asked me to go out for coffee. We wandered around and ended up in his rom minus booze. He is an ex-driver, divorced and from Phoenix now.He was with Continental and is suing them over hisno-fault firing. Apparently he really liked me butI sasid I did not like the idea of being passed around among friends. He denied that ws not what it was but I still said no."At least until I know you better." He was not real hapy maybe but clearly not too upset. He is suppsoed to be up the first to see his attorney and will take me out then. I'm in a quandry--will have to see what Bud does or says but I don't owe him anything. Ilikd him but---I do not owe him anyhting. A week or tow ago I would neverhave beleived it. Her I am with two problems, two new problems to choose between. Looks like my luck is changing. I'm changing too, maybe nnot for teh better but it dependson how you look at it. I think Dale will be cool. He reminds me so much of Dusty. Like most guys, he canot figure me out. I have an idea the nexdt few weeks my prove muy intereante!
Jan 26, 1968, Friday
And I did see Bud again before Dale got back... (Falling too fast and hard and being dumb...that was so me at times.) He came and got me last night and we walked, watched TV and ate hamburgers --after making love and nearly fell asleep together after the second time. He is something else. I fall apart and melt into nothing and it's pain and gory all at once. But I like best laying close to him afterwards and talkingor rsting withmyhead on his chest and hearing his heart beating hard and steady undemy ear, If I had not learned Dusty's ways first, I probably could not deal with this but I do ind I am not "cold" at all. Last night I forgot to take my socks off--now I am even on that score LOL. Oh, Dusty used to bug me there. Bud is terribly strong but not really rough and does not seem heavy.. It may he just balances his weight off me or I am too lost to notice. (Not that Dusty was ever heavy;he was very gentle and careful of me always.) Bud is on the road tonight, Guessin Cottonwood about now.
So is everyone properly shocked? Oh I never was little miss goodie two shoes but I simply had never found that many opporunities to step into the free love period of the late 1960s prior to this point. I still did feel qualms about Dusty; I very definitely still loved him and missed him greatly but he was gone and I had no idea really where and how he was. I quickly decided to back off and not get emotioanlly involved any more than I could help. It was too dangerous and asking for hurt. I had more than I wanted of that so now it was just to have fun, get the human contact I urgently needed--that was desired much more than merely sex although at times it was fun and good. No question Bud would be described as "good in bed" without any doubt. Even my limited experience recognized that. As a long term companion or partner, not really. Even then I recognizzed that as well.
Pictures? Hard as heck for this segment. I'm not sure what might fit, not be x-rated and enhance the story!I guess I was close to arm candy or eye candy at that point although it is hard to feature myself in that role.The old lack of confidence and worry about being femine and attractive still lurked. I was just a cowboy girl cosplaying as a charmer? Very much!. Nothing to go into Playboy for sure, even the first one that I have kept hidden for years! #1 is about 1973 in Colorado, 2 is in winter 1968 in San Lorenzo, NM and 3 goes back to about 1964-5 in Clarkdale. So they are in reverse order.
