This week life picked me up, spun me like a brief tornado and dropped me back considerably rearranged. Preordained ~?? Anyway, events both destructive and potentially diverting evolved. Yes, my finals did get somewhat trashed in the process but I managed to pass everything and not get any really horrible grades, just one wicked 3. Ouch.. I'm not sure what entity or force to thank for that!
The next year or so evolved in very unplanned ways in my personal life but my scholastic or academic life finally settled and proceeded mostly in an orderly manner with deciding a few major changes of direction. Most of my 'new life' was probably a very necessary learning and growing processs; I might have done better to have most of those experiences a bit earlier in my life but ultimately I sorted out a number of things and possibly ended up where I was actually supposed to be. As Yogi Berra said, one must take a fork when you come to it but there is no way to take them both or more--choices happen, whether you intend or want them to or not.
Jan 21, 1968 Sunday
If yesterday was not a dilly! I got up at 7:30, showered, dressed, had a semi breakfast then headed for the bus depot.. Yeah, I was half-hoping it would be Nick Dawson driving, but it wasn't. It was a long tall Southern sonof-a-gun named Bud Smith. I was really not aware that he was giving me the eye and since he was not even wearing wellingtons,(Loafers I think!) I was not too impressed.. But I did sit in the front seat and watched him drive and thought he kind of reminded me of Harve. Nancy Shellman was waiting at Lillian's. We went to look at Leo first. He is at Geroge Stott's since the storm delayed Nancy's moving. He looks good. It is Dingbat and not Rico that George has, though. And he looks just like Peppy. Buzzie looks fine too.
Then I heard the bad news. During the storm, Cindy (Cyn Mas) and Twinkles got out over a snow covered fence and were killed on the Cornville Highway where they were both hit by Don O'Whiler (sp?) who was also killed in the process. I wonder how fast he was going in the ice and snow to hit that hard? It was during the stormy holidays and some tried to get in touch with me without success. Of course I was in California and no one had an addreess or probably even knew I was there. I was pretty upset about this. I had planned to keep one and sell the other to pay for her feed; I prefered Twinkles since she was so much like her brother Patrick and would break easy but Cindy was a registered Quarter Horse and probably more valuable. But that idea was now impossible. Then we went to pick up Jim's wife (a totally different Jim who had been keeping and mlght buy Chief) to her chiropractic appointment. I sawChief and he looked terrible. That was sad too. So we went over to Clarkdale. There was obviously a rockslide outfit and crew in town, probably the same burro crane there last spring. At least I was sure Leo and Buzz and I am positive Lyno also are in good hands. It was rumored Louis Dunn paid $150 for Puani but he can't get her papers because I have them, never resigned afterward dad got them the guyhe met at Whipple. My first inclination is to buy her back but I know that would be foolish. I am just not meant to have a horse now. So I tried to eat a little dinner and watched TV with Nancy until 7:30 when we went down to catch the bus.
Bud was still driving and I was the only passenger. It was weird, just as it it was all meant to be. We came up the canyon talking about everything under the sun and this time I was impressed. In Flag, we went over to the Greyhound cafeteria and had coffee, still talking. I ended up going down to his studio apartment at the Vandevier Motel where many drivers had space. Turned on the TV to the FM music station and sprawled on the bed drinking bourbon and coke. When he reached, I could have said no but I didn't. But I'd downed about three drinks on a near-empty stomach so almost too soon, I was suddenly awfully sick. Knelt on the cold tile with my head over the commode until most of it came up. We walked out in the cold for a bit and I was better but nausea hit again as soon as we came back into the warm room. He took me up for more coffee and then walked me down to the dorm. I was silly and talkative but could walk okay. I said I took the drinks too fast. He may have thoought I had been scared or something but I really wasn't. I wanted it every bit as much as he did. Last May was an awfully long time ago. I'm sorry, Dusty. He can't take your place because you were first and always special but I waited as long as I could. I've been a peach ripe for picking for quite awhile. Next morning I actually felt pretty fair after a shower and some soda crackers and a glass of lemon-lime soda. Guess I'll do my accounting, go check my mail for yesterday and then maybe take a good hike. And wait for Bud to call-- which he might not do but he said he would.
Are you readers as shocked or surprised as I was when I got up the next day? The loss of the two young mares hit me very hard. I cannot call that a real excuse but a jolting change was past due and it came for me like a runaway train. My new "education" had truly begun.
Jan 22, 1968 Monday
So I took my DAPR test, got my programs in. I had gone down to Nancy's and heard some bad news, got drunk, went to bed with a bus driver and now it is Monday morning again. What do you know? Now there really are no more exams until finals but I've got to hit the books. Dying to see what I got in DAPR. Hope it is okay. Am going to be nice to Harve this morning, Bud did not keep his promise to call yesterday so to hell with him. Just say I had a good time and got rid of some tensions and check that one off. I just may run over to Kingman after all. Find how much the round trip is on the Chief and then go Greyhound? But I may go to Jerome on Sunday just to scare hell out of Jimmie Mac. I feel mighty bitchy!
Jan 23, 1968, Tuesday
Part 1
I am rather ticked at Buddy, really. Can't figure out why he hasn't called except he is just waiting for me to come to him. Which, fool I am, I'll probably end up doing. It all seems so surreal now, anyway. I cannot figure him. If I had only been sober and not all fouled up to begin with over the horses I'd have been more sensitive to impressions and would have a clearer memory of it all and be able to make a better estimate of him. The teasing tenderness of "Pobrecita" (said to me at some point) brings one image. He insisted on getting my phone number also. Part of it all was clearly just a line yet in a way I think the bottled courage was meant for him as much as for me, and part of his conversation was selling himself on the whole idea too. Perhaps the fact that I am not on the pill gave him second thoughts. Possibly he needs a little reassurance. (I was not sure but already suspected I might be sterile--the damn mumps.) Then again maybe he is just a playboy out for some fun and a one-night-stand was all he expected. It is all at variance and incomprehensible, so many contadictions. I liked him almost instantly once we started talking and was not afraid at all. Or am I kidding myself again? Did I just imagine/pretend it was Dusty? I wish I wasn't so complicated! If I could understand myself, other people would be no trouble at all. It was cool coming up, just the two of us in the big old bus--a very odd sort of trip, really. And quite a coincidence. It's never happened before and probably never will again.
So far only my vanity is piqued that he has ignored me. I was too easy, but I was 'love starved' (not really for sex but human contact and a feeling of being valued) so no use beating around the bush. Given a chance I might go back for more. That would/could be a problem. I feel kind of bad about being uunfaithful to Dusty, but ye gods, how long am I supposed to wait? Now I am so glad Mary called. That gives me somewhere to go for the break, anyway. And I sure do want to get away from this joint for awhile. She still wants me to transfer to UofA. Maybe I should but not before fall. In ways I'd like to now but I know I wouild screw up the whole deal if I tried.
Part II
By golly I believe I'll keep my new year's resolutions! I was pretty ticked at Buddy yesterday asit was supposd to be my "lucky day." Something mail or maybe male? But you know how it goes. I had a phone call about 7:45. I was surprsied as hell too. It was Buddy Boy who said I stood him up last night (say what?) and wanted me to come up. He said scare up a girl for his friend but I told him to come get me.But then his supposed sweetie came in on the bus from AQ and it was the friend who came after me. His name is Dale Hunter and he looked so damn much like Dusty it really hit me hard. He was just going to tell me about Bud's 'bad liuck' but then he asked me to go out for coffee. We wandered around and ended up in his room minus any booze. He is an ex-driver, divorced and from Phoenix now. He was with Continental and is suing them over his no-fault accident firing. Apparently he really liked me but I said I did not like the idea of being passed around among friends. He denied that was what it was but I still said no."At least until I know you better." He was maybe not real happy but clearly not too upset. He is supposed to be up the first of Feb to see his attorney and will take me out then. I'm in a quandry--will have to see what Bud does or says. I liked him but---I do not owe him anythng. A week or two ago I would never have believed it. Here I am with two problems, two new problems to choose between. Looks like my luck is changing. I'm changing too, maybe not for the better but it depends on how you look at it. I think Dale will be cool. He reminds me so much of Dusty. Like most guys, he cannot figure me out. I have an idea the next few weeks may prove muy interesante!
Jan 26, 1968, Friday
And I did see Bud again before Dale got back... (Falling too fast and hard and being dumb...that was so me at times.) He came and got me last night and we walked, watched TV and ate hamburgers --after making love and nearly fell asleep together after the second time. He is something else. I fall apart and melt into nothing and it's pain and glory all at once. But I like best lying close to him afterwards and talking or resting with my head on his chest and hearing his heart beating hard and steady under my ear. If I had not learned Dusty's ways first, I probably could not deal with this but I do find I am not "cold" at all. or even slow to warm up. Last night I forgot to take my socks off--now I am even on that score. LOL. Oh, Dusty used to bug me there. Bud is terribly strong but not really rough and does not seem heavy. It may be he just balances his weight off me or I am too lost to notice. Not that Dusty was ever heavy;he was always very gentle and careful of me. Bud is on the road tonight, I guess in Cottonwood about now.
So is everyone properly shocked? I never was little miss goodie two shoes but I simply never had many opporunities to step into the "free love" period of the late 1960s. I still felt qualms about Dusty. I very definitely still loved him and missed him greatly but he was gone and I had no idea where and how he was. I did quickly decide to back off and not get emotionally involved any more than I could help. It was too dangerous and asking for hurt. I'd had more than I wanted of that so now it was just to have fun, get the human contact I urgently needed-which I desired much more than merely sex although at times it was fun and good. No question, Bud could be described as "good in bed" without any doubt. Even my limited experience recognized that. But as a long term companion or partner, not really. Even then I recognized that as well.
Pictures? A last look at Cindy and Twinkles and then a glimps at Nancy's place a few weeks later. Finally Cottonwood's main street, perhaps a few years earlier but Lilllian's would be on the right side not too far down the street.
