memoir Monday, Jan 10, 1959

 Sophomore Year--I was beginning to feel I needed to move past the pre-teen and junior high era of my life! It was not happening soon enough to suit me and unfortunately really did not for a very long time. The last few years I have read a lot about dysfunctional family issues and can now put names on a lot of the problems I suffered through. Does it help? Maybe in some ways. The hope that my experiences and survival may help someone else is mostly why I keep sharing this stuff. A lot of it is not pleasant and very uplifting to say the least but there were many good experiences also. Life is like that, a mix of a whole spectrum of "'stuff".And I could easily say "S**T" too!!

Jan 10, 1959 Tues

I’m restless today. I was a good girl and got my term paper in early. Talked to Judy Crawford. We get along real well. Darn Moose, I wish you were a cowboy. Took Stella over to Rays out by the airport. I enjoyed riding alone. I just read the best library book. I wish my “touching beauty, fine character,” etc could sustain some noble man through his hardships but such things only happen in books, dang it. I’m tired of school boys and TV heroes. I want some real man to love and be loved by.  Deuce it, I’m too young for that I guess, Well, someday maybe. I must make myself a good person so I can be worthy of his wonderful devotion.  Gee, what nonsense I am writing. You must forgive me, Kev. Your little Gaye is poco loco.

I wish I had noted what that book was I refer to. I was a very avid reader and almost always had a novel with me. I was clearly being a little facetious about the subject there. To identify a few folks mentioned: "Moose" was Marvin Kallsen, then a senior. I had known him at Willard School and he was probably the first boy I got a crush on. By now that was faded but I still kind of wished he'd notice me.  I was totally into cowboys which he was not and that was a sticking point! Stella was a nice little mule, one of the earlier ones before "the Mule Year"  madness which began late that summer. 

Judy Crawford was a classmate and one of my closer friends at that time. We went riding together a few times but otherwise did not 'socialize' much. Well I didn't socialize with *anybody* very much! I never went to any dances or other special school activities. I was not allowed. Judy quit school in a year or two and married Charlie Bonaha. She had a little boy and I lost track of her; I do not think they stayed married too long. I never had a photo of her but she was blonde and a little bit husky.

I was too old for "imaginary friends" at this point but had invented a  vision of the guy I wanted for a boyfriend and called him Kev. At times I wrote a day's journal to him like a letter. As a section of my big memoir that I am currently writing says, I was "addicted to romance" most of my life. It was a real psychological addiction and I had a powerful craving and need for the emotional highs and pleasant feelings that came from being "in love" even if it was no more than a one-way crush. At long last I have "gotten sober/gone straight"  and mostly just did it cold turkey! 

Not much in pix here--my school photo from that year  and a drawing I  made that might represent "Kev". I did not really like this photo of me but didn't hate it. I finally realized it helped to get rid of my ugly glasses and not smile and show my teeth that I did not like--two front overlapped a bit.So I had a rather stern expression and almost severe hair style. That level stare is pretty much "me" I guess. I was not standoffish or snobby though some probably saw me that way. I just had my pride and dignity and held aloof mostly for protection. It is tough to feel you don't fit in.