I was trying too hard, both to pretend and to convince myself that I was doing what I needed and really wanted to do when it came to the guy Danny. In reality it was simply spinning wheels in sand for a bit but maybe that was required to break the inertia and turn off onto a new direction before long. I was perpetually tired, bored, stuck and feeling like in reality I was getting nowhere fast--in any and everything.
Sep 5, 1964
Got up and off to an unbelievable late start today. It was 7:00! Got off to the pasture before 8:30 though and was home by 10:00. I led Chief around , just checkin’ like and nobody was home. Led Bravo and worked on him some. He sure is smart and willing. Leo was a bit ornery. Dad want to the dentist and found he has trench mouth. Alex Fields has cancer so he went up to talk to him awhile. I took me a nap after lunch and just loafed. I really was tired though. I can’t get over yesterday. I’m beginning to think that I just dreamed it but I didn’t. This is a step for me--I’m going to get me a man. I’m going to do every darn thing I can and if I’m still unkissed when “Danny’s gone" again it won’t be my fault. So there. We did our evening chores and all drove out to the pasture. Little Powwow is doing fine--so sassy. Charlie Mike and I went up to swing before supper and paid the camp cars a visit but no one was there. Wonder where someone is tonight? I dare not guess. After supper, Charlie Mike glued model cars and I wrote a letter or two of small importance. I am going to go take a shower and then to bed to dream of a slim lean golden haired guy--maybe.
The day before I had actually talked to Danny for awhile and built on my brief infatuaton, still plotting to ride in that Fury and kick up my heels a bit after days and weeks of trudgery* that had become much too familiar and tedious. I still loved the animals and in part did enjoy working with them and prided myself in the accomplshments that came in slow steps while training and caring for them but I was so tired of living as if I were fifteen instead of twenty one.
*Trudgery was a word Alex and I coined years later as we were cleaning up our folks' stuff and doing yard sales etc. We put trudging (slow, weary walking) and drudgery (hard, tedious work) work into one concept. i think it is a great picture!
Bravo was the son of my mare Tina and I was very proud of him. Though Chief was his sire, he was so much like her which made him special. He just lacked her white markings except for a tiny star on his forehead. He was very smart and generally willing to do whatever I asked of him although he was barely six months old and recently weaned. Little Powwow was the paint mare Susie's new foal sired by Chief and the first one born Appaloosa colored. She was born on September 3, so was still very new.
Alex Fields was a long term friend and hunting buddy of Dad's.When the Jerome mines closed, I think he had transferred to Ajo. He had recently retired and come back to the Verde Valley only to learn he had cancer and his time was getting shorter. I think he and Helen, his wife, had come back to Jerome, but I am not sure. He was also friendly with Dr Joe Pecharich, our family dentist.
As always I was tired. Of course a lot of that was mental--a result of being discouraged and depressed, but then I did put in fairly long hours most days. Even in early September it was still hot and the afternoons were a reasonable time for a siesta. The evenings after supper were about the only free time--and actual freedom--Charlie Mike and I had. He was twelve, and would be thirteen in November but the restrictions we both lived with were about the same. Still we could go out and wander where we pleased in the evening and did so most of the time. So long as we did not seem to get into any trouble and were home by about 10:00 few questions were asked. Yes, we did cherish that bit of freedom and took all the advantage of it we could..
Charlie Mike had begun a hobby of model cars which were kind of a fad then. At this point I think he had an Edsel and maybe a couple of others. Sometimes I heped him with them a little bit. I was down to just a few pen pals now but still worked fitfully on writing fiction.That filled any time after we came in until bedtime
Again, a few pictures. Horses--since they were the main focus of about 90% of my life in this era. The first one is Charlie Mike holding Bravo and this was about the time covered here. Next I have Bravo, a bit later in the fall. The last is Powwow with her mama, only a few days old. She was still just a baby.
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