Gentle Readers: (as the Victorian writers were fond of saying!) I had thought seriously about quitting this exercise of sharing the past. The days were often so dull and routine and for those who really do not know the actual complexity of caring for livestock and doing it on a very limited budget and in far from ideal conditions, much may not make a lot of sense. Certainly my family mess is appalling, confusing and hard to understand. At times even my drama about Dusty probably seems overwrought and strange since a lot of it was just on my head and heart or may seem that way. The long months from January through July this year, we only saw each other twice. Hardly the stuff of romance books, is it? The last 5/12ths of the year were different but I won't get there for weeks yet, since I do match the days to the current calendar of Mondays. I wonder if there is anything enlightening, encouraging or even some OMG moments that may turn a light on for someone somewhere. I hope so. Even a few old friends who thought they knew me well are surprised and even shocked by some of what I share here. There was so much I never told anyone. So why now? I really do not know. Any time you get bored, just say so and I can stop. To me it often feels like a weird flick or TV show I saw long ago or a book I read once and had almost forgotten. Who really was that young woman? Was she real? *** *** *** *** ***
A new year had begun but very little had changed in my life at this point. Two years and seven months had passed since my high school graduation and I could see no end to the cowboy girl routine that was now my life. I do mention a feeling of things "about to change" fairly often yet that did not really happen for another year and eight months. In short, much got worse before it got better but thank heaven Dusty was there even if not aways actually present and more than once his place in my life was a saving grace. One which gave me the faith, strength and hope to go on and eventually to break free from the cobwebs of my enmeshed family prison and the anchors of my fear,lack of confidence and personal sense of being valueless. I will carry that debt into the next life, I feel sure, since I could not repay it in this life.
Jan 2, 1965 Sat
In full swing today, so to speak. I go up at 7:00 and fed, ate and rode. All was ok at the pasture. In the mail we got our check from the gas well and I got a letter from Shirl. Nothing from Cim or Dusty, so I mailed an “adios” letter to Cim. I wonder how he’ll reply if he does. I led Lyno in the Indian Hills. Charlie Mike and I rode Buzz and Annie and watched the ‘local.’ I led Bravo and had everyone out of their pens today. We got in about 3:00 and ate. Then I did the dishes. They got the buzzard article off this evening. We did the chores ordinarily. I had a list of jobs planned for this evening but did none of them. We talked instead but about characters and stories etc. Just a cheerful visit instead of any lectures. It was fun. I keep thinking how Dusty would enjoy sharing all this with us, with me. Perhaps someday he can. If not him then maybe someone of the same stripe. I doubt that Cim would really go for it. To fit, a guy would have to be ‘muy macho.’ I think Dusty qualifies there. If only--he is so perfect otherwise. I wish I could somehow change things but that isn’t fair, is it? But I love him.
I had finally resolved my dilemma about Norm and Cim. I had stopped corresponding with Norm first and then talked myself out of any attachemnt to Cim. I did recognize that I really did not know either of them and had no foundation for trust or deep feelings. One meeting with Dusty that took place on January 15, fairly cemented my connection to him. I will cover it soon. I still wrote to several girls. Judy was an artist and we were working on some projects where she would illustrate my work. Shirl also loved horses and had one or two. She lived with her parents in Rifle, Colorado. We actually met once.
We kept several animals in the small corrals there in Clarkdale. They had room to move around and lie down or stand at ease but I knew they needed to get out and move often, espcially when it was wet and muddy. Horses are athletic creatures as are mules, so a major part of my daily work was to get most of them out of the pens and lead any I did not ride for close to an hour at a walk and trot.
The "local" was the Prescott Local, a Santa Fe spur line freight train that made the trip from Prescott to Clarkdale normally twice a week. Charlie Mike had been watching it since he was barely allowed to leave the yard at four or so and I'd become a 'fan' as well. At this time with the Glenn Canyon Dam being built, loads of limestone for cement and actual cement were going out regularly and that was a big part of what was hauled athough general merchandise did come in too. Before I-17 was completed the highways into and out of the Verde were not big truck friendly!
Writing of all kinds was a major interest of the family. Dad wrote and published a lot of articles and stories for several years and I had been interested in writing almost as soon as I could sound out words and print the letters. At this point I was still writing my 'ranch romances' inspired by Zane Grey and his kind, working on my YA girl-and-horse novel, and trying to put together articles or a book about horse training, Naturally we talked about all this many times. Our family was big on "talking." Well, mostly Dad talked and the rest listened but I did talk some on the 'good' subjects. A lot of it was not fun and pleasant as I have mentioned before but sometimes it was.
Photos are hard to find. I know I have shown Annie, Buzzie, Lyno, Bravo and others. So I will see if I can dredge up anything just a little different. I'm with Alice in Wonderland--a book needs pictures! Okay--me holding Bravo, about a year old. He had Tina's blaze and the same one white foot. Charlie Mike and me leading several for execise as we often did. This was in the Bitter Creek wash--infamous bridge in the background. Then the Clarkdale railyard, photo taken from the loading tower--not supposed to climb it but it was a weekend! Next that loading tower--it dumped cement or limestone dust into rail cars and CTI trucks before they built a spur track up to the plant.And a work train, this one with a Burro Crane or ditcher machine.
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