The second summer of what in my big memoir is called "My Four Year Sentence." It was just that or maybe my indenture? I often felt like a prisoner or some kind of slave and knew no way to extricate myself once I was in the situation. Almost took a massive explosion!
July 4, 1963 Thursday
I waited until 6:30 to get up today but I finally did and I cleaned out the corrals too. We talked a lot all day but I don’t know if any conclusions have been reached. We drove out to ‘shoot’ Rita. Pepper had bitten Leo Bible’s ear and got beat up for his pains. I led Chief when we got home. Finally I came in. I spent quite awhile making lists of specifications for ranches. I only meant to rest a few minute but I fell asleep and slept for over an hour. After lunch we talked the afternoon away. I led the ponies up. They are always a double handful and tonight was no exception. We drove out and barely finished our chores before the fireworks began so we watched them before supper. They sure were pretty. I do hope we leave here. That’s nearly foremost in my mind now. If nothing has been done by my next birthday, God grant me the courage to strike out on my own. But I hope I shan’t have to. I’m lonely again tonight. It is unnatural for a girl my age not to have some sort of a boyfriend. There really isn’t anything wrong with me. I think in a new area I’d have a better chance. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking… Oh damn, it all. I feel bad tonight period.
Sometimes we did slow down a little for holidays even if they were not marked with a lot of celebration or anything special. I must have had a hard night or not been feeling well but I had developed enough discipline and determination to do what needed to be done. So I played "Little Red Hen"--anyone remember that little story?
The young mare Rita was fairly new. She had arrived about mid-February if memory serves. I think at this time we were having a run of distemper going thru the herd and that's what the shot was for--an antibiotic to help ease the symptoms since it was a virus and not too subject to antibiotic treatment. It kept down secondary infections at least.
Pepper was an obnoxius jack burro with a real mean streak. We had to keep him separate from the young mares and filies and he even hassled the older ones. Kicks did not see to faze him. He lunged and bit me in the back one time for no reason. I got a mesquite limb and beat him a bit more than I liked to do to any animal but I was very mad! I was lucky I had on a heavy jacket and that was all he really got hold of. Leo Bibles--some of those Quarter Horses had oldd names, the bibles probably came from her mother-line--was one of the yearlings we had taken on consignment for a bit. We did not end up keeping her. I cannot really remember her color now. Maybe light sorrel or buckskin?
The disillusionment and depression was getting harder to fight off. I did at times and could be fairly content for a bit but then something else would happen and flatten me. I really missed having any sort of social life. I was 21 this year and legally of age. I could have just told the folks, Dad especially, to shove it and gone on as I wished but the enmeshment had me trapped in a cobweb net of psychological confusion and a misplaced sense I truly must not leave as consequences would be awful and I probably could not make it on my own anyway (I had been that beaten down and lost all confidence and sense of self.). I kept setting deadlines for myself only to let them pass and slide away since I could not quite dare.... I was chronically tired. I did do a lot of work but depression can also manifest that way.
I always loved fireworks. We usually watched from our front stoop which faced out to the north with a good view east over the ridge to the Peck's Lake site where Clarkdale did their display at that time. Once or twice Charlie Mike and I had walked over to the lake but that was usually when Dad was away on a trip.
A few pix for eye candy or interest: The first is me with Alex on that step or stoop. It was July 4 but 1961, so Alex would have been two. Next is Rita--just another grade Quarter Horse (not purebred or registered) and finally Carolyn Reed (Lyno), one of the fillies we did keep and a half sister of Leo Bibles--I think they looked much alike.
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