Monday Memoir, July 27, 1968

  July was sliding away like it was greased. All at once I was not a student for awhile and happy at the temporary 'freedom'. The rainy season began and  I wasted some time on hobbies and creating things, had a mysterious semi-sick spell, and  took stock of where I was.

July 21, 1968 Sunday

The time sure does get away. Here it is Sunday again already. For the time being,  I'm not a student and I think that is lovely. I've got 85 semester hours now, not counting the incomplete DaPr course which I will be dropping. I just can't get that project done. Not bad for two years when most people do well to have 60! Though I 'cheated' with summer sessions! And all with a GPA that is nothing to be ashamed of though not perfect.

Looks like the rainy seasonis here. It has rained two afternoons in a row now in the usual pattern. I felt a little tough today with cramps but anaged to get my laundrydone, hike the railyard, bake a casserole for dinner and make a dress. Yesterday I baked a cake and also made a dress. I think both sewing projects came out pretty cute or will be when I finsh a few details. I am now quite tired and waiting up for Carolyn and possibly her friend Karen, Hobby's girl. I may wind up sleeping right here on the couch if she does show up. Tomorrow Karen will move to Wilson Hall anyway. Remember last summer there...and not fond of that end of campus. Seems too far from everyhting. 

I bought hats, three of them, in fact. There was a littile one that looked about Alex's size and two matching ones for Pop and Charlie Mike. I hope they will be pleased. I'm taking my General Math and Biogenetics books to Mom and probably a couple of dresses so I'll have presents for everyone. althoug I don't think that is necesasry for me to be welcoe from what they hav said. Anyway I have a couple of weeks to "make merry before time to go. Some merrymaking --a trip to the dentist, for example. Oh well, que sera, sera.  Mayhap I can get a few things done anyway. I'll wear out the sewing kick pretty soon and then I'll hae to try to write a bit. I'm in kind of a quandry about Cindy 2 but maybe I can go with Pony and the Dark Horse for a while. 

Dear old Dale has disappeared agin. If Greyhund had hostesses, I'd say that is what but he probably picked up some little trollop in Phoenx or El Paso or Los Angeles. So maybe I'm well rid of him. He served a purpose, I guess, and helped me throguh the spring a bit easier than I might have done alone. And I served him well, too. He'd be Skid Row Sam by now or almost there if it were not for me. Think I will go shower and  turn in for the night,My left ear is giving me trouble. I must have ripped the piercing hole accidentally or something. Fudge.

July 24, 1968  Wednesday

Carolyn dropped a bomb on me at dinner last night. Now that Karen is back, she wants to live with her next fall. For a minute I literally pushed the olde panic button, but although I got a bad case of indigestion from my thinking. I came up with some ideas. First I am writing to JoAnn Kedndall to see if she would like to live with me. Second, I am writing to Dean Falk about an assistant resident job. And last but not least, I really could stay here alone and pay my rent but only if I took 16 hours or less a semester and got a part time job. It would be 'easier' ancd I could almost live in luxury! Twenty dollars a week at $1.00 an hour would pay my rent and electricity. So it is really not the end of the world like it seemed that first half hour or so.

This morningn I will close my VNB savings into my checking account so I can pay for August and September rent as they come due. Then I'll take my AzBk account to buy my ticket (to CA) ad have a  litle cash. Carolyn will probably move before I return so that adds several small chores to my list of  must do's before the 2nd of August.  Really I am not too unhappy about the turn of events when seen in the light of day. Depending on the outcome, I may sort of have my fate decided for me.  Like if JoAnn comes, I'll go back to the rodeo club and  devote the year to having a good time. If I get an assistant job I'll have to turn over a new leaf and be prim and proper like I was BD--before Dusty--or Dale LOL, maybe even more-so.  If I stay here alone, I'll probably work as a waitress or something, dye my hiar red and swing. No matter what, I think I'll only take 15-16 semester hours. I can't finish in the next year unless I take a super heavy load, although 17 hours each smester would let me finish with only one final summer session. We'll see. And also about changing my major. If I stay here alone, I may not--just get on through and try to hire on with Santa Fe or some other company as soon as I have my degree, Just be bullheaded and run my own show!!

Ill go ahead and go over to visit the folks and bear my gifts and be a cheerful little pussycat for a month or so but come September it's back to Flag for me and somebody will have to pay my way although I think I'll only pay the landlady (Mrs Warner) $50 on August 20 so that I'll have my return transportation if needed. No telling really what the folks are gong to do. They are doing a damn poor job of keeping me informed, but that can be a two-faced coin, by golly!

July 26, 1968  Friday

Friday already and one week of my lazy days already has flown. Well, I've done a thing or two, made two dresses and a bathing suit. I think they came out quite nice, really. The dresses fit well and the bathing suit is really sexy. I sure haven't felt well though. I know I am the #1 hypochondriac because every day is a different misery. Maybe it will do me good to get away for awhile even iif it is just to be with the folks. What I really need is a genuine honest-to-golly hombre muy macho. But they aren't hiding under ever bush I pass.. Actually I'd better learn to live with myself before I try to tackle living with anyone else. For awhile I was doing pretty good but somehwere along the line, something just sort of slipped. Maybe I was just kidding myself. 

I do hate not knowing about hings. That is the ugly part. Maybwe before next Friday I will have made some decisions on the basis of things I find out between now and then. I really would hate to go back to the dorm now as it has been so nice to have my own little hidey hole here. Perhaps that is what ticks off Carolyn --it is more mine than hers and she and Karen are almost like sisters anyway. Que sera. Maybve JoAnn will come and I think we'd be okay except I think she is awfully innocent, but pehaps that is really good. I'm pretty sure I can get along easy with her. 

July 27, Saturday

Have sure been bitched up today. My left shoulder and side ache like a sore tooth and a dozen knives stab into me with every breath and twist. I haven't really done much--wrote a few letters and hiked the railyard this morning. For awhilel during the afternoon I was tempted to throw a few things in my suitcase, try to cash a check, and just catch Train 1 but I realized that was impracticaL. The folks still have not written aye or nay. I fancy they are mad at my delays etc. but then I tell myself I am just being morbid and they are busy wth finals etc. Perhaps I'll hear on Monday. I did hear from Judy, anyway, a good long letter. and from Kit Lewis the other day. They are such nice people. I have kind of adopted them as honorary grandparents . I really will try to get down to see them in the fal and perhaps get in a little riding. Would Lyno remember me?

 I've taken six Excedrin since lunch. They dull the pain a little but not much. A heating pad makes it worse. It is weird. I can't figure out what has caused it except possibly lifting and tugging when I moved all the furniture on Tiesday. It was the next day that I began feeling ill. Perhaps the worry and strain combined to produce some especially potent effects. I wrote a short story last night. I am getting rady to type it so I can send the carbon to Judy along with a ten page letter I finished before supper. 

I am striving not to be hostile to Carolyn. I've been semi-consciously blaming her for all my discomfort but she is going home on Wednesday for two weeks so probably won't be together any more after that. Have to admit I'm a bit fed up on her. She probably is with me too. I haven't been easy to live with the past year, I might even have clashed with Mary if she had been here. Haven't heard from her in ages, by the way. Gues I'll have to write her again and remind her. I've written to all my other pals alraady to let them know I am going to California for a month etc. Damn this weather. I am sure it isn't helping me any. I am almost tempted to go to New Mexico with the folks but I've got to hang on to my independence. I will lose it forever if I give up now. "I'll never have that recipe again."

Carolyn is the only roommate I had no picture of; well, no;  none of the first Carol either nor of Lynn and Colleen--all were "short termers". . It is odd that the roomates I had the longest time were Carol and Mary and then again,,Mary and Carol.(this comes later)  It is  almost like me and Jims--way too many of them. Do names have a certain vibration or energy that creates some sort of magnetic attraction? Five Jims and two each Mary and Carol. Charles too, though most of them were relatives.

Picture--Just the house that was my home from June 1968 through July 1970. Taken in all, I had good times there and it truly was "home" for that time. I know I lucked out! These ppix were in 2013, The first is a street view and the other shows two window of my actual apartment.

Memoir Monday, July 20, 1968

 Another one-post week. So very little seemed to be happening, really. I was not bored, per se, but just plugging along on auto-pilot much of the time and existing rather than living. What is there to write about in that? Why did everything become so meaningless, hard but also too easy?

July 14, 1968  Sunday

The weeks slide by like boxcars on a fast moving freight. I manage to keep reasonably busy and fairly out of trouble. I did write to Jim M and he did not answer. I also wrote to Dusty but then did not mail it, thinking maybe I'd go over there instead but could not make up my mind, much less do it.

Today I fixed myself a big old fashioned breakfast and hiked out to mile 34 (ATSF track  mile) and took some picture . Came back and got the boxes stacked in the storage room and cleaned up the living room.  I fixed tuna salad for dinner and have spent the evening writing letters to three NM colleges--just out of curiosity, also studying Busienss Law and even got a bath and washed my hair this afternoon. I am proud of myself for all those accomplishments LOL. I decided to buy The Boss a hat at Goodwill since his are all gone. I have to break my $20 tomorrow.  No sweat.. What is money for except spending?  

No news or thrills or anything like that. Life, in fact, plods on rather dully. Only one more week of school thrn none for awhile. I've got to take a break.  I guess I will go back to California but not right away...

As the saying goes, that's all she wrote. I apparently got through the last week of SS #1 and had already decided I needed to take some time off and be sure what way I wanted to go as the fall term came around. I was not quite flat broke but getting close. I probably should have seriously looked for a job but I was really fried after two intense years of  'higher education' entertwined with family drama and a bit of rumspringa or heel-kicking  when I realized I actually was totally alone and on my own. That wore off rather quickly but I did hang onto Dale for awhile since there were no other ready options. I would often consider trying to find and reach Dusty but was not sure how to actually do that and in some ways not wanting to have the final 'bad news' ending set in cement. My second year's grades were not as good as I felt they should be but my average was still well above a "2" and  I was in no danger of losing my scholarship, much less the grant--which was not linked to performance other than not failing out. I was basically okay for two more years. What would happen then?  I pulled a Scarlet O'Hara and decided I would think about it later. I mean look how much had changed in just half of that potential total four years? so much was unknown. 

The photos--Until the end of the current classes,  I had only been to a few in this building, Liberal Arts, then and still.. For the next two years it was one of my 'homes away from home' as almost of the history classes were held here as were some of the humanities and other peripheal disciplines  that were part of my second two years of studi, eventually stretched to included my graduate courses. FWIW, this building still stands very little changed although the landscaping is not as austere with more shrubbery and such. Where did I misplace that photo?  Ok, well, not the one I had in mind but lifted off the internet--not today but probably 2000 or so. Street was closed recently and now onlywalk or bike there, NAU has changed so much but it has been 58 years since I left!

Memoir Monday, July 13, 1968

 Somehow life seemed to go on. I was often on auto-pilot and fighting my way out of what felt like a nearly bottomless pit. The summer seemed very long, often almost blank yet in a few ways it flew by and finally morphed into a new semester and some new patterns.The trick was surviving to get there.

July 7, 1968, Sunday

It is the last evening of my little holiday already. I did quite a bit in the last twenty four hours. I finished my brown/gold/calico square dance outfit--it consists of a tiered skirt, a peasant blouse, a wing-collared pull over top and a pair of bloomers. I baked a cake-mix cake and this afternoon took up a couple of hems and did a large batch of ironing. And now since dunner I read three chapters of Business Law and feel pretty self-righteous. 

I am shaking off the black depression that has been dragging me down again. The virus of self-destruction is stil in me but it is gradualy losing out, I think--hope. One of these days I'll be one of the living again rather than a zombie, and a better and more real person becasue of all I've gone through. You aren't real until you've truly suffered, not just the puppy love growing pains but a white hot soul-searing anguish that melts you down to the very edge of nothingness. It is a long slow process to build back but if  you survive, you're somebody. You may not be good or great but you are somebody. Sympathy is more than a concept, love is more than a word or tangled limbs on a bed. Not that sex doesn't have its place but sex disguised as "luv" has become a pacifier for a generation of overgrown children.  Yes, me too. 

I light up a longhorn (Marlboro) and say you have to have some crutches to lean on during that long phase of regrowth. It is recognizing them and learning to stand without them that is the hard part. This particular coffin nail happens to be the last in a sixth pack of my first and only carton and it's been sitting around for some while. People are mostly kind of shocked to find I smoke at all..Mabye that is why I do it!

Will I write to Jim or Dusty? I've been feeling thus urge to turn over some old rocks but maybe I can resist. I probably should and yet there's a little doubt that lingers and that builds wondering. I walked out the railyard  this morning and sat by Babbitt's warehouse on the ramp for awhile. I hadn't been there since March or so, just passed by a time or two. I've even thought of going down to the valley and spending a day prowling around but I have to remember I haven't got anything to ride anymore and I wasn't really cut out for the infantry bit so no foot soldiering. I guess I'd best skip that. Maybe Jerome though? If Cottonwood is $5.05, Jerome should be under $6.00. And I have wanted to take some scenics and do a little exploring there.  But I even resisted the temptation to go up to the Powwow and see if Stacy Newton was there. Look how good I am getting (smirk). Maybe I will write Sir James a letter--just out of curiosity and then perhaps I'll go in a week or two and do some photography and sketching and possibly drop by to say hello if the fancy moves me. Though he is not likely even there.

I guess I did not do any of that because the next time I wrote anything was a week later, July 14.. July 8-through 13 must have been very not-notable. You think? That was a good sample or example of the summer of 1968! I was getting philosophical or something, at least.

Pictures? Maybe the two men I was thinking of and wondering about; both had taken themselves out of my life and at that time I did not know why. Well, I did some in one case because for Jim M it was the political poison nowencasing the Morgan Family after their sudden disgrace and destruction. But I was sure Dusty would not feel the same about that.. He never cared much about my folks except for Charlie Mike. So they were part of my "hard time" in the summer of 1968. And how different they were, really, as these portaits show. Yet both from New York at once early point in life...

Memoir Monday, July 6, 1968

Almost ironic to report on my individual  life on what was the 26th anniversary of my parents' marriage.  Well, I owed my existence to the fact, none the less, and their relationship shaped my life in a vast range of ways. I did not have the worst parents ever, by far. Not that there were never any problems...

I pick up the day-to-day routine as July begins. Two years of my expected four in college were now behind me and my amorphous ideas that charted the course of the first two had all but evaporated.. Did I really want or intnd to be an attorney? Did I find any real inspiration or promise in becoming an MBA or any sort of practitioner of accounting, marketing, financial business  or commercial management?  Or somehow being in the selling racket? To me here/now, that future spelled boredom in big dark letters. Even the notion of getting my degree and finding amployment somewhere with the AT&SF was a vague and almost hollow sort of pipe dream. What could or should I then do to make myself a living and also a life?  Teaching was emphatically not it. I was surer than ever of that even though at times I had almost expected to end up in educagtion or academia someway or another. For the time being, I was spinning my wheels, albeit slowly, digging deeper into a morass of  sand--dust-dry quick sand in a  bog of marginal existence.

July 1, 1968  Monday

I sit here on a Monday morning with a toothache. It is not quite time for class--time to leave, that is. Another weekend has passed, At least I got a start on Cindy II. It is barely a start, but it IS a start, anyway. At 12:00 today I wil stop by Dr Holden's and if he cannot fit me in, I shall hunt until I find someone who will. I am in absolute agony with this damned miserable tooth and I cannot endure it any longert. Then I'll go ahead and make an appoitment for have a lot more dental work done. 

Haven't heard from Dale since he walked out of here late Sunday night, He is unreliable and I should not put up with it and him. Yet I wasn't quite kidding when I said I couldn't do better. Is that true or not?  Hell, I am sick of feeling so crummy. I know I must have some horrible incurable disease or soeething. No joke. Planning my possible change to History major etc. all seems futile as if I knew I would not be here to worry about it one way or another. Why have I even worked this hard? I do not have to keep up "the payments" on my freedom now, Liberty has damn near become license and I can sympathize with the crying songs about drowning sorrows. I have so many ugly scenes to forget and I have ended up losing so much that was important and that I can never get back. There cannot ever be another Dusty or Little Dusty or Tina or...and or and or... I wouldn't go back and yet the changes didn't work right. I always dream too big andowild and want too much. 

\July 2, 1968 Tuesday

Was it only yesterday? My tooth is long gone. It was ugly. The roots broke off and I sweated through an hour of blasting them out, came home and cried for an hour and then felt ten years younger and pounds lighter. Right then I fell asleep last night, dizzy from two rum and cokes shared with Hobby who came down just after Carolyn and Les left for Mormon Lake. He is the boyfriend of Carolyn's best friend Karen who lives with him upstairs part of the time. He talked to me for at least an hour. Were he about five years older than the twenty three he claims, I'd give Karen a run for her money. 

I had a visitor earlier this evening. Dale came by about 1:00 on his way back to Phoenix from attneding his grandmother's funeral in Albuquerque. (valid reason for vanishing). He may have me come down over the next weekend but isn't sure yet. Carolyn walked on on us but luckily we were up and  getting ready to walk up to the busstop. She and I walked with him up to Anderson's corner and then went to Foodtown for groceries.

Got a 1 on my first Business Law test, barely but that is okay. I have 37/40 of the quiz points and 46/50 on the first test. Should clear a 1 with any luck from here on out. If I get a 2 from Derifield (Biogenetics) It wouldn't really hurt. I iike h Dr D. and he makes it interesting--it is a personal subject with him on account of a child with issues, not Downs but genetic..I am really  not studying seriously in either class. Hard to care.. 

What else? Nothing really. I'd better hustle my little bustle out of here directly . No classes tomorrow--viva el cuatro de Julio! I'm really eager to start wroiting on Cindy.II. Last evening while writing to Jjudy, a bunch of ideas fell into place and I think I've got a good start via a flashback . They may not be good per most writing coaches and agents, but this one will be natural and easy. 

July 5, 1968 Friday

The glorious fourth has come and gone. I did go to the powwow parade but that was the extent of my celebration. The day before I took my test in Biogenetics. Were it not to find out how I did, I'd not even go to class this morning but I really have no excuse not to go. Dale has not notified me to scoot down to Phoenix to join him. I'm not sure I'd go anyway, but three idle dayshere are liable to blow my mind.  It's chilly this morning because it rained yesterday and there is an extra high humidity content in the air, It is also breezy. 

Somehow I've got to shake off the plaguing blues that have been hanging around my neck like an albatross. Guess it is becasue I haven't been accomplishing much of anything. But then I have not felt physicaly well since, well, since when? I really can't recall.. Maybe part of last year.

I want Dusty. I haven't seen him or heard his voice for nearly a year, touched him for way over a year. But I want him anyway. I'm really half a mind to take The Grand Canyon to Kingman and take a room in a motel for a  night...not that it would accomplish anything! I have no idea where to look or who to ask. Somehow Dale doesn't truly seem real to me; he doesn't reach my inner self  at all.

I don't know. In a way I am as bent on self destruction now as I was when I tried to drown myself etc.  back several  years ago.   I'm not wallowing in anguish and misery now but I just don't care. I need someone real and vital and compelling to take me up and drive me, to give me a purpose and a sense of reality and meaning again. So much for ports in the storms.It has not worked.

Once upon a time pictures. The wedding picture and then each parent in the summer of 1943 in Kansas City with the odd little creature theyhad produced.