Monday Memoir, May 1, 1965

May Day, May Day--a traditional distress message! Well this date was not quite that bad, actually not too negative at all. It does seem very very long ago as I travel back those many years. This was edging into a rather difficult month though--sick animals and other issues and an amazing surprise in the final day and hours...  We'll get there in due time!

May 1, 1965 Sat

 I got up a little bit late to do my chores but not much. We had biscuits for breakfast and then Mom drove us out. Rico is doing good so far. Charlie Mike went up for mail. I got my photos back and they were good but nothing from Dusty. That was shattering. We unloaded a lot of the hay--some task. This long grass is prickly and bad for hay fever, too. Watered and fed the stock and came in for lunch. Mar came over about 2:00 to take me to the VV Fair Horse Show. It didn’t amount to much, really. I saw a lot of people that I can do without and not many pretty horses. Aw hell. We drove by the pasture to see Rico. Mar still wants a colt by each of our studs. She has two little Clabber fillies of Blackburn’s and wants to make a deal with them. Charlie Mike and I rode out quite late. He said they should have a B&B outfit in here soon. No se importa! (Not much!) Did the evening chores and came in late and weary. I need to take a shower now and get me ready for bed. I’m so tired I can’t see straight. It’s been a long hard day. Maybe tomorrow won’t be quite so. I’m mad at Dusty. I’ll go back to Rio (who I thought I saw today) or Jim McL (who I dreamed about last night) if he does not treat me better. He is being quite finky really and I am getting disgusted.

Tina had her second colt on my birthday so Rico was now five days old. He was a big husky colt and it soon became clear he had taken a lot out of Tina, to carry and birth him. But at this moment, they both seemed to be good. 

When had we gotten a big load of hay? A few days before I think and probably in Big Green, the F700 dually flatbed. Some went into the former garage that was our primary hay storage and I expect some was stored outside since rain was not real likely at this point. They were big three wire or twine bales,  darn heavy to stack 3-4 high in the stuffy space. 

Maureen came over--I rather think she did not the previous week--and we went to the Verde Valley Fair  Horse Show. Compared to the much larger breed shows for Appys and Quarter Horses which I had been to at least twice, I did not find it too impressive. On the way back that afternoon we went by the pasture so she could see Rico. She was hoping to be able to get a colt by each of our stallions, perhaps using the fillies mentioned. Clabber was another famous Quarter Horse Foundation Line sire so they were quality stock.

The evening work schedule was a bit on the late side and by the time the final chores at were done, it was deep dusk and I was tired. Naturally, I had been disappointed not to hear from Dusty, but most of my complaints were not meant seriously.  Rio was my nickname for a Texas bronc rider we knew who had ridden a strange little horse we'd had that liked to buck. He meant to buy Lobo but was never able to. Of course Jim McL was my former English teacher on whom I did not have a crush although we did date casually in 1966-67 after I was up at NAU. Charlie Mike and I were looking forward to a B&B Gang (like B&B 6) coming back but we had to wait most of the summer before it happened.

A few pictures  to give some life.  The first is Rico and Tina, later that summer. Rico was growing well. Next is Rico, just hours old, maybe having his first meal. Tina was a very caring mother. Next is me on Chief.  That building behind us is the hay storage shed I mentioned. And last is Leo Mix, at about two years old. He was growing into a very handsome horse and had a fine disposition. He was standing almost  'stacked' like the show dogs are posed!

Monday Memoir, April 24, 1965

 April was winding down in 1965 as it does every year! I was approaching a birthday and planned to celebrate on Sunday the 25th since the actual day would be midweek and those days were mostly pretty set in cement as to what had to be done.

April 24, 1965  Sat

 Got up early and went to work. We set a bit more leisurely pace  since we were driving out. No colts yet. I saddled Prez and rode up to the Post Office. Guess what, I got a letter. It shook me awfully bad at first but then I kept reading it ‘til I got calmed down. Dusty has been sick. I don’t think he wants to get rid of me. I led everyone except Buzzie. Charlie Mike helped me some having done the corrals early. Did midday chores and came in. I fixed Tee’s pattern and wrote Dusty during the afternoon. Charlie Mike mailed my letter before we rode out. Lila and Tina must be very close from appearances. I hope they do the job soon. We did all our chores up and came wearily in. I was glad to quit. Emotions can wear you out too. I played records this evening for the first time in awhile. Hope Mar comes up tomorrow because I’ll end up working if she doesn’t and I don’t want to.  Guess I’d better skip off directly. It is getting late. At least I heard from Dusty. That’s something. And he’ll have a letter waiting on Monday morning. Maybe another on Tuesday, who knows? What I want for my birthday is…! An appy filly from Tina and my  OAO true love. Well, I can wish. Goodnight Irene!

We knew a couple of colts were due any day and had been driving out the last few mornings just in case. This was not the day, though.  So back home, I saddled up old Prez to do the leading and such. But first a trip to the PO and I got a letter.  I am not sure now what it said but I probably misread and was upset but then sorted it out. I think Dusty often had walking pneumonia or similar in the late winter and with his asthma that was potentially serious. He mentioned going to the doctor and being worried about "getting taken out of service"-- basically put on medical leave.

Between the worry about Dusty, when the burro and my beloved mare would drop their colts and the usual work, I was worn out by evening. So I played records and loafed the hour or two away. I was hoping Maureen would come over the next day so I could either go down to her place--she lived near MacGuireville then-- and ride or something else fun instead of routine chores and nothing special. She was going to college up at NAU at this time.

There was not much I wanted for my birthday--it was going to be #22 and yet I was still living much in a mid-teen lifestyle except for my work. Yes, I hated and resented it and yet I was unable to find my way clear to simply decamp and bring all that to an end. It took me over a year to get to that point, in  short about fifteen months. I could just have said "I am going" on a date, out with friends or simply away to hunt work; I was legally an adult  and did not have to "obey" any of Dad's orders, rules or restrictions that I did not choose to. How could I not find the nerve to just do it? Habit, enmeshed family tangles and a sense of duty and responsibility, mainly. BTW OAO stood for One and Only!

Pictures! Well those two colts arrived before the next Saturday or May 1. Tina had her second foal on my birthday and Lila, the jenny burro, within the next day or two so I'll show them. At this time there were no birthday photos taken for any of us. Especially sad for Alex. First, Charlie Mike with Lila and her baby. Then Alex and me with the same foal. This was either Robin or the little jack we called "Martin Luther King" which I admit is NOT politically correct at all!! Next is Rico--that was what we named Tina's second son --just a day or two old and then Tina with him at her side.  And finally yours truly with a new shirt I had just made. I started with a men's medium size pattern and improvised sleeves, collars, yokes and such to create many styles.

Monday Memoir, April 17, 1965

 The first seven  months of 1965 were not generally too happy.  I had a growing sense things were winding down or at least going in much the wrong direction as far as the family/life and the family enterprise went. I could really do nothing to change or even divert a mere degree or two from the path to perdition that I started to visualize. Some days were "okay"; a very few were memorable and good, fun or  happy but they were far outnumbered by the opposite kind.  Truly if it were not for my somewhat tenuous link to Dusty, I am not sure what I might have done. I held to that like the knot at the end of my rope.

April 17, 1965 Sat

 Got up rather early and did my home chores. Gulped down a hasty breakfast and drove out to do the pasture work. The river was really running high. I guess the snow is going off fast up in the high country. We were back before 9:00. I cleaned the back porch and restacked the wood to make the shower available. Then I saddled Prez and brought up the steeds. I watered the fillies and Charlie Mike went up for mail. I got nothing and it nearly broke me. Oh Dusty!!  The Mayottes came and they talked on and on. They’re going to breed their mare to Leo--that is $200 that we drastically need anyway. They’re really quite nice. I put up the stock after they left, did my chores and loafed all afternoon. Cleaned my closet and that’s the only useful thing I did. I sorrowed over all the pretty clothes I have that I haven’t worn since I got out of school. If only Dusty could see me in some of my prettiest dresses. If only! We did the evening chores, ate and I read. Charlie Mike went to bed early, leaving the Easter Bunny detail to Mom and me. Now it’s late and I am lonely and tired and must go off to bed for another time.

Work, there was always work. A zillion jobs and tasks that needed to be done even aside from the daily routine of feed, water, exercise, check and doctor the animals and repair shaky facilities which were constantly failing or falling apart in a Murphy's Law paradigm. 

I guess the river was not too high to ride out, but at this stage, Mom and I drove out many mornings to take care of the pasture work. Spring was coming in fits and starts- rather like 2023 and many other times- and that meant getting more of the firewood out since it would not be needed constantly, making the shower on the back porch accessible, and trying to clean up the ubiquitous litter from wood, feed, mud tracked in etc.  

The Mayottes were a family in Prescott. Dad had met one of the parents --I'm not sure which or in what capacity--but the person worked at the Whipple VA Hospital and Dad was there a lot.  Anyway, they had horses including a small Appaloosa mare they wanted to get a colt from. They came to see the stallions and arrange for the mare's visit. They ended breeding her to Chief, I think, though I said Leo here.

I was such a compulsive re-arranger and organizer. It is like the old Roman saying about reorganizing to create an illusion of progress! I could be occupied for several hours to sort, maybe discard or make plans for any of my several hobbies or collections. My room had no closet but Dad had built me one and I made use of it. I did have a  lot of clothes and since I was now sewing I kept adding to the many hung on the bar. They saw little wear these days. Now and then I would get 'dressed up' to go on a non-work  trip, maybe to church with Evelyn or for some minor special event. Normally I lived in Levis and either my self-made shirts or heavier flannel ones in cold weather.

It was obviously Easter Eve. Charlie Mike and I had far outgrown the belief and pleasure in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and such but Alex was still a small kid, six years old that spring. I was not going to deny the baby of the family his pleasure in a celebration so I colored eggs and put together a little basket for him. I suppose Mom worked on that a bit as well but I was often the main Holiday Maker at this time.  Otherwise they might not have been observed at all! Who else was going to "waste" the time, energy and a little money on such frivolity? Part of that practice was my eldest daughter thing in operation. I felt obligated because at one time I had benefited from these occasions.

A few odd photos. This is Alex, in about 1962  on the back porch. The seat came out of the old Jeep we had many years prior. The photo is too dark to show much but it was always stacked with "stuff". Like there are feedbags hanging in the upper right corner.  Next one is earlier and that is Charlie Mike and not Alex since I was ten then. It was about  my birthday in 1953, a picnic on the 'claims' up on Mingus. The last is Freckles or "Candy Lady" the Mayotte's mare.

Monday Memoir, April 10, 1965

 It appears that Easter was on April 18 in 1965, a very late occurrence of the holiday.  This Saturday  began rainy but did clear off. I would say thank heaven for small favors at that. Actually a pretty big favor. We paid for clearing with some rough wind but it did help things dry out. I can hardly stress too much how miserable rain and mud made all the work. And that spring seemed to be a very soggy one.

April 10. 1965   Sat

 It was raining hard when I woke up and I feared it would never stop, but it did. Just while we did the chores, half the sky cleared and a terrible wind came up. I mean it was fierce. We had a time with the hay. At the pasture we slopped around in the mud. Got home rather late. I walked up for mail. I got nothing. Nuts. That ruined my day or nearly. We talked when I got back for ages and didn’t do the midday chores until 2:30. All too soon the day was shot that way. Charlie Mike is now encouraging me to mark Dusty off and find a new guy. Well, I don’t think I will, on second thought. Not until he tells me we are through. Just because he doesn’t write does not mean much, does it? The evening chores weren’t too bad. It’s wonderful what a little wind and sun will do to the mud. It vanishes.  I just wish real genuine spring would come. The old ditcher train pulled out today. Now the tracks will look empty again. Boy, I feel lonesome. I wish I knew where and how Dusty is and why he hasn’t written. I played cards and finished my book outline tonight. I’ve got to start accomplishing more somehow or other. I waste time and I think that is almost the worst sin.   It’s late now though and I must get me off to bed. I am awfully tired and feel rather sick really.

After managing with the changing weather, I first got no mail and then wasted hours on "talks" which were fruitless and pointless about 95% of the time. It really chafed me to sit idle and listen to stuff that did not encourage or enlighten me one whit and then still have to do so many hours of work with half or more of the available time already gone.  I rarely dared to just get up and walk out--all hell would have broken loose, I imagine.

Of course I did complain to Charlie Mike a bit about the fact Dusty had not written.  There was no one else I could even mention it to. Under those circumstances his advice was probably sound but I did not want to follow it. My complaints were just frustration and wanting so much to have the lift and hope that a new letter would bring me. So I tried to rationalize around or past that, and generally I managed.

The 'ditcher" I mentioned was a special work train that carried a crane and a type of power shovel machine to clear washed out areas, get landslides off the tracks etc. The crew would have been small, one or two to operate the machines and maybe a helper for each operator. We did not get acquainted with them that I recall.

What book outline was I referring to?  Possibly Cindy or a compilation of my planned training articles which I thought could be combined as chapters of a book. The whole time between high school and college I still worked on my long-term goal to become a 'real', that is a published author. That being one of those almost impossible things, it did take much longer than I had hoped or wished.

Many evenings I would be tired and discouraged, disgusted and perhaps given some other indoor tasks that I was almost ordered to work on. Sometimes in rebellion or depression I would just play records, shuffle papers around or play solitaire. And then get mad at myself for not doing any of the projects I really cared about. Depression was so insidious and hard to fathom and deal with.

I was now nearing three years since my perceived "life sentence" had begun. There was no end in sight, either. I might hope, wish or dream but reality was about as solid as an adobe wall. Much of the time I truly felt as if it was going to go on for the next fifty years.  Why did I not just run away? Why did I not ...why did I not do so many things. A mixture of  a misplaced sense of duty and responsibility and a total lack of confidence or faith that I could do other things and survive. Even that  the world I had known would not end with a catastrophic bomb-type disaster with destruction and damage avalanching  upon my head.  It is often sad to look back and know it was not nearly as inevitable and iron-bound as it seemed. If I had been born male or second instead of eldest, how different life might have been. Yet I never wanted to be male and certainly would not have transitioned if that were possible then. I already really had many of the down sides of that gender, and none of the privileges!

Pictures--I never took any of the mud and mess, the river running high and the myriad difficulties that happened under those conditions. They would not be very interesting anyway! So I will dig around and see if I can find anything else.Ah ha--burros are cute, especially the little ones so here for some odd eye candy are three babies. The first one I think was Little Pete. He was sold back in September 1964 with several others. Next is Jennyfur and probably Jennyfur Junior or "JJ" and last is Charlie Mike and me with Lila's new baby, Robin, born about the time of this memory. They really served little purpose to our  'business' (I can barely use that word in this context! ) but we generally had quite a few. 

Monday Memoir April 3, 1965

It seems that 1965 was not a good weather spring. Maybe not quite to the extent this year has been with really serious floods but just so many ugly miserable days! Trying to do even the most basic necesary work was a real ordeal. 

 April 3, 1965 Sat

Gee whiz, will this rain never end? Got up and fed on a damp morning, another damp morning. Before Mom could drive us out it was raining so we had to feed in the rain. We came home and I hurriedly  changed to run over to Cottonwood. We bought some stamps,  got gas and a few things at Ball’s. No mail for me today. I was keenly disappointed. Maybe I made Dusty mad by saying I couldn’t go out with him. We did the midday home chores and Charlie Mike and I tinkered with the bikes during a lull. Came in to eat lunch just as it started raining about 1:00. It rained all afternoon steadily. I fretted, wondered where someone was. Finally got out out all my old writing ideas etc to read. Reading about Richard Edwards, Curly, Blondie etc. made me nearly feel ill. It kind of shook me for awhile but Dusty isn’t  quite that stripe of tiger--or skunk. If only--that’s all I can say. Dad, Charlie Mike and I drove out in the rain to feed. The road was pretty bad. It wasn’t cold, at least. I wrote to Tee and Mary this evening  while listening to my three “mood music” records. Now I don’t know what I’ll do if it is still bad tomorrow. It is raining steadily now and has been for quite some time.  If only it doesn’t snow… Maybe we’ll have a flood. Oh well, it can’t rain forever. To bed and to dream. I think Dusty would like that book. I’ll have to let him read it (that western I read yesterday). Must run. I’m cold. Wish someone was here or I was there.

I am, not sure why I changed to go to Cottonwood unless I was sopping wet. That was very likely. Normally the regular work clothes were good enough to go run an errand or two. Ball's was the super market that had once been one of Selna's stores.No mail on a day that was already rather glum. Just more of the same. Charlie Mike was trying to keep two bikes working and that was not easy. We respoked many damaged wheels and patched tires--at least bike tires were easier to patch and refill than truck tires! Often times only one would be operational though, despite our best efforts. 

As hard as it was to do the full day's normal work on good days, it was worse in some ways when I could not get out and be active. It was boring and a risky opportunity for "talks" to get started. I guess that did not happen this time. So I found busy-work of sorts and read old journals and other stuff I had written including partial stories and probably thought about both Cindy and my training articles. 

I felt very stupid remembering some of my ill-concieved crushes and flirtations. None of them had ended well at all and I was embarrassed to have been that foolish and run some real risks.  I was sure  Dusty was not the same kind of guy most of them had been. He had been very open and honest with me. The fact he was still legally married though separated and living apart while trying to figure out how to resolve the sitution with his son did disturb me though. He later told me he had started to get a legal separation and finally did so some months later, the first real step to change his life. .

Tee and Mary were some of my pen pals. I am sure I mentioned Tee before. She lived in Chalmette , Louisiana and they had Quarter Horses. I have little recollection of Mary (Corley? that may have been her name).  I had several later friends named Mary and they are hard now to differentiate! I was a bit bored with writing letters really, but there were several I continued with for awhile--all girls now as I had jettisoned the guys, one by one, so only Dusty remained. He was not an avid reader but would try a western once in awhile if I recommended it. He really did not have a lot of time to spend on it.

It was now too mild for a fire but the house got cold on those gray days and by bedtime the best place to be was under the covers. If I had owned a personal radio or a small light to read by it would have been pleasant!  But of course I did not have either, so it was just day dream in the dark or fall asleep and really dream. 

Photos? The bottom is one which  just popped up on FB this evening and I was like whoa! Well, that was a familiar view--but without the black smoke. So today and above it, about 50 some years earlier. Same general site. And first is Charlie Mike with one of his (our) bikes. This was obviously in the summer but one of those we'd repaired and we had used. It was a girl's bike and he later swapped it for a boy's bike. I would never  have ridden in a skirt anyway so did not want it.