And at last it was really over. For sure life would never be the same again, especially mine. In the coming months I would have some new and different adventures and almost went a bit wild and crazy for awhile. That helped me to survive and begin to chart some new paths. It was not either the best or the worst of times, just mostly very different. Finally at the age of 24-25, I was my own person and many constraints were gone Ghosts and memories still haunted me but I slowly shed them and consigned them to the back of a dark mental closet. I did not want to remember, much less talk about most of them for decades. Here and now at last I can be detached.
Nov 18, 1967 Saturday
Well, they are off. The east bound Chief was five minutes early. That's really fantastic. I worked hard to be cheerful and charming but it realy makes me feel better when I do it. Except for the letdown afterwards. Alex was sure excited but I do not blame him. That's lots of trip for a small tyke. It will be quite an experience for him. I saw both Nicks. D was drriving a bus and passed while we were eating in the Lumberjack, probably with a direct Phoenix run. The otherw as at Foodtown, all tricked out in a black suit; somebody was getting married I think. Well, in two more days it wil be my turn. To travel, not get married!! I've seen lots of people off but haven't done much traveling myself for awhile. But my day will come. They are in Gallup about now, that's wayover there. Those big old deisels do get down the line. We had a nice time playing records and talking. I think I got them off to a good start. I have this weird feeling it will be stormy Tuesday. Then it will be too much like a time before except no one wiill be seeing me off this time. I'd better go to bed--it is 1:45 am
Nov 19, 1967 Sunday
It is all unreal yet too real. I stayed in bed late, abouit 9:30 before I really got up. Then I completely cleaned and rearranged my room. By the time that was done, I ate a quick snack and walked to town where I parted with $1.00 for the priviledge of watching "Dr. Zhivago" It was worth the price. It was a fantastic movie; I cried. Like The Sandpiper, the depths of emotions were close to me. I had a terrible headache and was sick and dizzy when I got back so I took two Exedrins and laid down. I feel so desperately lonely. Finally I tried to call Jim but he was not there. I sat and talked to Dusty's picture for awhile and then went to the library where I am now. It is cold and I am cold, inside and out, but I suppose it's better than being in my room in a way. It is impersonal and quiet and cold. One dosn't feel anything here. I should be studying my accounting. I need to do well on that exam. Just two days until my trip. It seems so unreal. Everything. Unreal and yet still too real. I have a feeling of waiting. So far there are three eras of my life--before Dusty, During Dusty and now apparently after Dusrty. The waiting is for someone, I think. I could have, would have, been willing to go on with him but I can't le tmyself regret it too much. I suppsoe we were-or are now--too different in ways that would eventually lead to conflict. I can't think that Jim is the one; he isn't real. It will have to be a very real and vital and powerful person. Dusty was all that in his realm. He was the chief, the boss, Mr. C.D. Watt lives but I think Dusty must be dead. He only lived for and in me. Perhaps I do not need him now but I am so lonely.... I know Nick is not right. It is just a simplke animal passion attraction. Some people have more attraction for certain people than theyhave for others. Yet the old fashionedness of me rebels against changing . I gave Dusty too mcuh but with him it was something beautiful in spite of the perhaps sordid settng. And that special fact can live as long as I wish. I want too much. I always have. But I am able to build part of it out of my imagination. If it weren't for that I would not be able to bear life now at all.
Nov 21, 1967 Tuesday
Grrr. Just one class (English Comp) amd it just got dismissed. Dr Strauss dis,issed our class meeting as of yesterday.. So I really could have left yesterday but that's okay I guess. Last night I packed and wrote letters. So now I really haen't anythng to do. I could sew and I may write. I don't want to mess my room up. Al I really have ato do until 1:00 is get my mail, . eat lunch, change into my black britches and go to the depot. I may try to repack some to make sure my stuff rides well. I don't want clothes to get crumpled. The rest just must be protected. I hope I have not forgotten anything. I have a most deadly case of fidgets and it is not even 11:00 yet. How will I even live to train time? I made ''paper dolls" for awhile , got my mail and rearranged my suitcase to include the photot album. I gues I'll check the suitcase since it locks reliably and the handle stays on. But I wil carry the rest. And it will be heavy just getting up to the depot. They said on the radio that Eric Stadleman dies as a result of injuries in a traffic accident in Cottonwood on Sunday. It was awhile coming but I knew it was almost inevitable. I thought he had straightened up though.
So after a few short days alone,.I was heading off to southern California to visit Judy. I was pretty excited about it. It would be a big distraction and a special vacation after the ongoing catastrophes of the fall. We had not met yet but were long-term penpals and had shared a great deal of our complicated and at times difficult lives so we would not really meet as strangers. As for Eric, he had been my nemesis for two years of high school and was really not a nice guy at all. While I was not glad he had been killed, it was not too easy to feel very sorry. I am not sure if he had gotten married or not but I think likely not. Many girls were turned off by him.
A few photos, though not sure they were this trip or another. She moved a few times and ended up in Perris, CA, possibly by this time. The first is her with her husband Morris and her two sons. Next I am at San Bernardino where they came and met me. And last Judy and her goats.
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