Memoir Monday, January 19, 1968

Living through more adjustment as I really tried to get back into a pattern of being a student again. I didn't quite realize how deeply real  PTSD was mixing up my emotions and mental processes.  I really did not start to recognize or come out of that residue for weeks, even months.  But I did change--greatly--from who I had been until September 7, 1966 and even until November 18, 1967. Did I "go to college to get an eduation?"  In many ways, yes. I saw and learned so much I had never known, understood or even realized existed before. I have to fall back on Dicken's best and worst of times, really, because it combined both ultra highs and abject lows and then many dull and depressed hours mingled in as I found liberty could become license and freedom almost nothing left to lose.In retrospect I credit myself with both the fortitude and resiliance to survive and thank the Diety and Guardian who always helped me. I was still trying to sort things out here. 

Jan 14, 1968

Well, I didn't. (go to Kingman)  I found the round trip will cost me $12.10. That is awful steep for a wild goose chase. I still may go before long but I'll see how things work out between now and whenever.  It has really been a nice weekend. I got all my homework done and finished the striped blouse. I took two nice hikes in the snow, too. I bought Nancy's phongraph and I am very glad. It is the coolest luuxury to be able to fall asleep to the sound of music and know it will shut itself off at the end of the record. I wshed clothes today and alo my hair and the latter is curled to dry and the former hung. So I feel quite productive and worthwhile. This evening I went to the C.U. movie with Betty and Michal Ann. It was "A Patch of Blue" and was raally a beautiful movie. It was in black and white, a sort of classic style that was suitabl,e I'll add it to my list of favorite films. 

This semester Betty Leinheiser and Michal Ann Magro were about the closest to friends I had in the dorm. They were both really nice girls and fairly mature, not giddy or really much acting like 'kids'. I did quite a few things with them and they often asked me to join them.

Jan 15, 1968 Monday

I can't figure whether I am overconfident, underestimate myself or just what is wrong. But I am doing lousy. A low two on the Marketing Exam--I am so ashamed that I could cry. My grades are just falling apart. Now I am really going to be in a squeeze for finals and I just know something will happen to screw me up on them And then I wil wind up with about a 2.5 average or so. God, I'd rather die now and get it over with! Yech. I started out pretty good in DAPR and Mktg--why am I falling flat now? My problems have eased up a lot in contrast to the fall. I was just feeling better over the wekend. If I blow that Govt makeup, I will just feel like crawling in a hole. Well, may as well be philosophical Iti s what it is. I'll really study and do the best I can and then try for a better semester through the spring.

I guess I was too wrapped up in grades but they were a sign of success at this point. I really did think that dripping below a high two was awful and a three was a failure! Vanity? Conceit? I'm not sure but I had some tough standards for myself. Well, it was all I had left in most ways. 

Jan 17, 1968  Wednesday

Good resolutuions which I hope will last. I studied quite a lot yesterday, for me. I do think I am on the edge of that 'spontaneous recovery' from my assorted neuroses. That 90 on my Govt makeup test boosted my morale considerably, Now if I can do well on the final maybe perhaps I can geta 1 in there. I've got to do a good job on my final marlketing test to balance that 71--I am ashamed but it was mostly a misunderstanding more than a lack of knowledge for the subject.  In Dapr I have two chances to pull myself up. In Accounting I am rather discouraged. I can't see clear to anything better than a two there. Anyway, I got 90/100 on my Govt extra test, That sure did help Now I've got to dig in and get a good high score on my Dapr FORTRAN exam. That's Friday. Will pour over the material on Thursday night and perhaps go to the library if the weather is okay. Today is sheet change day and I intend to get my Goodwill stuff out of the room and generally tidy up the place some more. That may be the last of that sort of thing until after finals. In fact it better be. I haven't heard from Nancy Shellman but I reckon I'll plan to go down unless I hear differently. 

Jan 19, 1968 Friday

Today was ok. It began with scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfast. Had a short quiz in Mktg on which I got 100%(!) Redid my #4 program and went to take the test, It was rough. I really don't know what to expect. Harvey came to clad in his Highway Patrol uniform and sure looked sharp. Uniforms help most any guy, I guess. I'll wager he takes being an officer of the law very seriously. He even had his gun on. My #4 ran right and I finished punching my extra credit one. It will probably be screwed up but one has to start somewhere. I did go shopping and looked at lots of coats and jackets but did not buy one. I may later or not. Bought a record and some chow and blew the afternoon. That was my intention.  I haven't accomplished much this evening but don't care much. Going to have fun this weekend as next week and weekend I am going to be up against it for sure--finals come. Saw Peggy heading home on the Chief. Don't suppose I will make that scene yet--wait until after finals so it won't blow my cool. I can go to Cottonwood and Jerome fora bit less anyway. I want to take abunch of photos of Jerome. And I found a '65 Kennedy half dollare today. I felt it was a good omen and I now have a full set of four. 

Oh we were so modern and high tech then. LOL. Punch cards were the current big thing. There were machines like typewriters only bigger to do that and of course if a wrong punch was made, it was going to be wrong! That is assuming you had the code figured out correctly to do what you wanted. Oh my! So much has changed. But I did like coding and programming and actually did a good bit later on in my then-uninvisioned career. Natural born geek? Ha ha. 

Photos? I am not sure there are any appropriate in the vault. A few that might have been are lost forever on the crashed  hard drive.  So I went googling and found a couple just for spits and giggles. NOT my photos!! First is a 1964 IBN card punch machine! They were big suckers! The next one is a Highway Patrol car and officer--before they became DPS in the DOT inabout 1969. I think by 1967 the uniforms were dark blue but maybe this was a summer one? Shot clearly in Phoenix by the background.

Memoir Monday, Jan 12, 1968

After a week to return to my current normal, I was ready for a new month, a new year and many new directions. Some experiences and (mis)adventures were coming my way.  If on  September 8, 1966 when I arrived on campus and did not go back home as I had feared, I was "born again" or at least released on parole; it was now again almost as if I had been freed from prison or my sentence commuted in full.  I was free finally of those cruel ties and no longer bound or constrained in many ways. What a shock it was! . Reality came by small encrements and a few major abrupt shifts. Yes, I dove into the wild era of the free love, sex and rock and roll sixties (no drugs though) enough to get a pretty fair taste. Before long though that did become enough. I knew I was not meant to be part of that lifestyle. But still, it was a big change for the former cowboy girl, although much of her still existed in my spirit.  But I had to march in place just a wee bit longer to pick up the new drum's rhythm.. 

Jan 6, 1968  Saturday

It'a 11:30 pm and here I sit in 251. I asked Carol Ann about moving on Thursday and she agreed. So last night after dinner, I came up and scrubbed out and then began to carry my things up. Knowing me, you an guess I sdidn't stop until Iit was done. I was half dead, but so what? I hyung my cu]uratins, unstached  my bed and curled up in my comforter. I had gone shopping in the pm; that was my reward for taking teh govt test. I don't know how I did my room in order and written letters. Tomorrow I really must study. I don't know why I am such a procrastinator. It soes not help anything. It would serve me right to get all 3s!

I really like this room much better. The view out the window is nice, too. I wanted a second floor room in North Quad since I came up. Now atlast I'm here. It is a relief to be away fomr the lobby noise and a busyness. That was a bad scnee all on it, though. That was teh one that should have been on Monday the 18th of December?! Today I've set around but I was kukcy to get a room, almost late as it was. I took a tow hour nap from 8:30 to 10:30. I gues I'll got ake a good bath inj the tub--an unuusal thing for me--and tehn see oif I feel like doing anything else before I turn off for the night. I;'ve gotten everything set to order pretty fast, I am quite proud of myself for that. But I must get rid of a lot more stuff as I couild never get this mess moved or stored. I'll ahve to abuy a couple more foot lockers and I may take/send some stuff to California including Chasrlie Mike's boxes. 

Jan 7, 1968 Sunday

It was a pretty but cold day and I spent most of it indoors. Stayed in bed until 10:30. I was ashamed but I think I needed to rest extra. No doubt I'll kick myself butt good tomorrow for not studyingm y accounting moer. I didspend about an hour and a half reviewing my marketing but even in the library I couldn't seem to get with the accounting,  What I need is some good lovin' --at leasat male companionship--and I know it. If only forester Ray had not left this end of campu; if only Jim had not chickened out on me with the damn polytix, and if only Dusty had not pulled the pin on m. (That last most of all)  .But maybe this geat '68  I'll find someone else. Lord knows I am going to look But I just can't settle on "anybody", not after Dusty. I've always measured my men on a larger scale, wickedness if nothing else! And I figure to continue that policy. Somehow I'll get through this semester, and the next one. I plan some weekend jaunts to get my carcass off campus. Maybe I will go to Kingman, to Tucson, to Cottonwood, to Jerome etc. Take some pictures and do some skdetching and look for fellows....! I think I'll budget $100 just for tripping about. I may even run over to Albuquerque to see about the college there.  I refuse to just stay home and stew. Life was made for fun and I intend to have my share!

Jan 12, 1968  Friday

It's been quite a week, good, bad and indifferfent, all rolled into one package. At least I have kept busy. The tests Monday were rough and I still haven't gotten the results of them. Made 76 on my government test which was disappointing. And I dropped my lunch tray and I received a summons from some of the Verde Valley 'enemies." I briely panicked but tehy cannot do anything to me really. I suspect Dr. McDonald stepped in and made them leave me alone. I had nothing to say and I oweed them not a red cent.  
Tuesday was better. I began to write programs and I really like it. It is anaet challenge and kind of grows on me. I think I could get really attached to that job.  I didn';t get much significant mail all week. I am sort of casting about for a poor unfortunate male in whom I could sink my vampire claws. Harvey Cassidy (he is a highway patrol officer-I was so shocked!)Mik Jophnson? But I never did like beards. But I want somebody in the worst way and I am looking hard.  

Today however I got a $50 check from Uncle Dan--that is supposed to be a pannacea for all eveils. WEll, it damn sure did help. I put $25 in teh bank and bought the soundtrack of Gone With The Wind and also nancy's automatic phonograph with a needle to play stereo records. At $15 I think it was a good deal. I can now listen to sleep knowing it will shut itself off. That is peachy keen. Damn though, why do I have to be nearly 25? I feel about 18 or 19 mostly and I really wish I was again. 25 seems awfully old and I I've done so little, lived soi little in my life. Yet I've lived too mcuh, already, too. Oh, it's such a muddle. No one has written me except for a short note from Charlie Mike that he and Kathy broke up. I'm nos too sorry. Sjhe seemed pretty much of a vacuum to me. Down inseid I am probalby jealous that I disn't have a a stady boyfriend when I was sixteen. I am a far cry from Scarlett O'Hara. Maybe it's a good thing. I think if I was a dazzling charmer as she was, I'd be positively dangerous. I am ratehr anyway becasue of teh stubborn willful streak in me. I've been so miserable the last few moths but I feel maybe I am ccoming out of it jsut alittle,\, Do h ope so. I resolved to do better in '68 so perhaps I can. It's aboutmy turn for soem good things, very special type. 

I'm thinking of running over to Kingman tomorrow or Sunday. Itm ay be entirely a wld goose chase but I have to knot that up, cut it off, and throw it away befoer I can putmyh eartinto anything else. Then maybe I can thaw out and turn on. Of course maybe I will come out the'winner' and maybe I'd be happier too.  I think I''ll get uo about 7:00 tomorrow and call RTrailways and find the cost and tehn decide for certain. No more exams now until finals, probably. Oh yes, Fortran next week. Well, that's mnot quite a fate worse than deah. I'm doing myy projcts, anyway. So I think I should do okay with it. 

Pictures: First the view across the street (Beaver I think, the main one down from town) out of my new window. This room faced southeast, more or less. It was to the west or left of the front door but I cannot find the window in a photo.  And  up that street to the north east was the ATSF Depot and across the-then main street were the bus depots! Blow up the photo to glimpse them. Sadly I had some shots in this new room but they were lost in the 2018 hard drive crash. Still regret that. 

Memoir Monday, Jan 5, 1968

 I came back to the still-heavy remains of that colossal storm. The train got in about 5:00 am.  Weary students staggered out oif our seats. grabbed luggage and stumbled down to campus through the open topped snow-tunnel down to the dorm. I woke Carol Ann, the head resident, to let me in and rested breofly but had to make a class at 9:00.  We called Carol Ann the Dorm Big Sister rahter than Dorm Mother since she was little older than most of us and possibly younger than me! 

Jan 2, 1968 Tuesday

It seems like I've been gone for months.Later I wrote a litle bit from the library.  I had collected my geaet accumulation of mail although none of it too spetacular. I'll get my package after lunch when I go to change my sheets.  The sky is lead gray --it could nearly be the day we left, I mean the last day of classes. I am tired and light headed from so little food for twenty four hours, but I guess I can endure two more hours until lunch time. Then I'd better get my shipped stuff, change sheets, get my package etc. And then I think I will sleep!! It is scarcely cheerful weather. Wonder if it is till foggy over in Sacramento? I am glad to be back but it is going to be lonely. I'll have to follow everyone's good advice and go boyfrirend hunting... 

Actually that last was almost a bad joke since I had seen so few guys on campus that  appealed to me at all. However, little did I know at this point how things might soon change rather abruptly although it was not college boys (were there really any college men?) but that basically worked better for me anyway. However my relatives would probably have been appalled or at least disapproving.  I have to laugh at that and I actually did a bit then. I knew the parents would not have approved!  But that was almost the cherry on my sundae!

Not many photos but here is what Campbell Hall looked like much of the time for a number of weeks!. It was a pretty building and nice setting, as teh scond photo shows.  I was always glad I opted for the Honor Dorm my second year. After that,  it was off campus, a tale for later.

Memoir Mondays Dec 22 and 29, 1967

Much of this block, Mondays, Dec 22 and Dec 29,  I was in California, the second holiday season  there for me. I shared it with Charlie Mike, of course, since he had been there since the end of October.  I was glad not to have to stay in Flagstaff and perhaps even gladder not to be in Clarkdale as I had been the year before but it was not a total delight. The tight group of Dad's siblings (seriously enmeshed family!!) were not restful or really peaceful people  and they were not kind or welcoming to Uncle Dan's newish French wife and her four kids from her prior marriage. Their two girls were still very young and his son was either not born or still an infant. I wrote very little about the whole period since my journal was back in the dorm and we mostly kept very busy during those weeks from December 18 until January 2. 

Dec  18, 1967  Monday

Here I sit in the same room that was home to me for awhile in 1965-66 about this time. 

We wre dismissed from NAU at noonish on Saturday, the 16th. It had eased off some but still deep snow and some falling. I lost no time in headng to town with my baggage. Once at the depot, I found out my reservation--for several days later--was worthless so all I could do was wait and hope, as did many others.  I got 'picked up' in the depot by an ex-Marine who I had thought was a student and we fooled around together from 6:00 until midnight or so. It was really crazy. I could be a pussycat if I tried, believe it or not, because I 'turn on' a lot quicker than I used to. But I still do not like the taste of beer; so pub crawling was off. I then sat  for the rest of the night in the depot. Train #1 must have set a record for lateness . It got to Flag at 6:00 am. No one was there to put me aboard or see me off but I had lots of company. I ended up sitting with Alida Nichols who I had not known previously Her folks had moved from Prescott to Seattle recently and she had stayed at Flagstaff, already enrolled at NAU. She had never been on a long trip or even anywhere by train before so I got to enjoy playing the well-traveled sophisticate! It was a nice trip but I slept quite a lot after too many hours awake the last 36 or so. Got to Stockton about 8:00 pm and there was Charlie Mike with Aunts Grace and Roxie to meet me.  So far it is nice. I don't know how it will be for the whole two weeks but maybe it wil be okay. I want to relax because I need to in the worst way!

Dec 26, 1967 Tuesday

I've been here a week already. Christmas had done went and gone. It was quite a day. Those family dinners are a mob scene which I could readily do without but I am $20 richer and have a stack of aassorted goodies for my pains. Uncle Dan flew to Arizona last night and called us from Prescott. (I think he had a plane then and likely flew himself but am not sure,. I know he did at times.) I talked to The Boss briefly--seems Dan went on to Phoenix(?) The old man assured me whatever I had done with the horses was okay. Ruth repeated that same message to me later. Well duh, I thought. It damn well better be!! For sure he had really not done a single thing to work that all out since September 1. Thus I did my eldest daughter thing and acted mostly out of my love and care for the animals themselves with little concern for what he might say, think or do.  I felt I did well. Damn his worthless opinion!

We are supposed to go to San Francisco on Friday and to see Gone With the Wind on Sunday. I already got my hair fixed. It looked really cool at first and ise asier to take care of. I also got a darling suit. Now I need to get a blue one to exchnage with it. (Seems like it was maybe blue, yellow and red check or plaid?) I really do not have much to say--plenty of thoughts but they are too vague and complicated to write down. 

The rest of the time I covered briefly when I was back at Flagstaff so I will touch a few high spots here that I extracted from that first anuary entry. 

it was quite a vacation but I am tired now. Maybe it is a different sort of tiredness though. It was so hectic. I met Charlie Mike's girfriend Kathy, went shopping, watched TV on the new color set Dan had given to Roxie and the boys. I saw Chueck Connor's new show and I still like him as well as the old Rifleman days. He is now the "Cowboy in Africa". Cousin Steve had a motorcycle wreck--not serious-- and we went to see "Gone with the Wind" It was fantastic and I loved every minute of it. Then Mom and Alex came out on New Year's Day and yesterday Larry drove us to Stockton and I boarded #2 to head back east. 

A few photos: Aunt Grace and Aunt Roxie at Stockton Depot. A view of the wintery  Pacific near San Frlncisco and then  the back yard at Aunt Roxie's house. Finally Cousin Larry with Mom and Alex as they arrived from Kentucky. They were pretty travel worn, I know. I wish they could have waited a bit longer but...

  

Memoir Monday, Dec 15 1967

 And this week ended up being disrupted by weather, even oddly leading into events, not then known, that would have some significant impacts on my life.  Before it was over, I was all but out of town and of Arizona for the holiday, not rerturning until after the start of 1968. But here, things had briefly become calm and routine for a bit so my reports were very prosaic. I was still a bit scattered and shattered, though. Like I had almost dozed and woke up in a new world...`I was like woah!!

Dec 10, 1967  Sunday

So far it  has been a pretty nice weekend. the first peaceful one I have had in a racoon's age and I am making the most out of it. Yesterday the weather was nasty so I only went out long enough to make a quick trip to the PO. I got Charlie Mike's shirt finished except for the snaps and wrapped all the California Chirstmas gifts, helped a little on the dorm decorations, cleaned and rearranged my room and read about a short half of the material for government. I went to bed at 1:30 last night but took an afternoon nap to keep me going. 

This morning I slept 'til 10:15 . I was so shockd I could not beleive the clock.  I did my accounting asignment while I ate brunch and then went walking at noon I covered the railyard in an hour and a half carrying on a monolgoue with a non-existent and invisible Dusty as I went along. Got back to the dorm at 1:20 for the second half of my 'meal' and recorded all the numbers I had collcted for Charlie Mike. At 3:00 I decided to come to the library and here I plan to stay for four or five hours to study my DAPR for the exam tomorrow and get my accounting done for the week. By then I should be ready to go back to my little hole-in-the-wall and get beautified for the coming week--a major project? 

Dec 11, 1967 Monday

The DAPR exam is over, It was rough but I hope I did fairly well on it. Now for the govt exam on Friday.I  got two letters from Mom and one from Charlie Mike.  That helped as I was not feeing too good or cheerful,. This afternoon I went to the record shop, checked Mom's mail and confirmed my reservation. It will cost me $39.05 round trip which is not at all bad. I finished a letter to Mom and it's now 8:00 pm.  I am not anxious to,  but I had better redo that one problem for accounting and at least rough draft the marketing case for Wednesday. Then maybe I will write to Charlie Mike. 

Dec 12, 1967 Tuesday

I've studied nearly all day and now I am sort of floatng around in a daze. But I've read the major part of my goverment material. It is a cloudy cold night--17 they said a while back and supposed to snow. Coming back from the libray I was reminded of a night roughly two years ago when I caught a very later train...

I still cannot quite accept the fact that he is gone out of my life. Mostly I can but only on the surface. Down inside I still need to belong to him.-or him to me. But maybe I have chnged too much. I can't say. Sometimes  I feel a little bitter and angty but mostly it is just a sweet empty sorrow. It seems a litle unreal like everything in my past does and like the present also does. Reality isn't real; it isn't anything at all

Dece 13, 1967 Wed

And did it snow,. 7" at 7:00, 14" at 10:00, 24" at 5:00 and still sifting silently down. It is cold but beautiful . I almost love it. I don't know why I should feel so content and relaxed but I do.  I sat on the front desk during the first half of the "Invitational" I wore my blue satin skirt and the white blouse of sheer lace with a velvet ribbon holding my hair back. The effect was old-fashioned and maybe charming. I got lots of compliments. I always manage to be different. I sort of pride myself in it, realy. Later I walked out in the snow with Nancy and Robin. I can't race and puppy frolic but I do love it. It's never dark on a snowy night. Had it been this bad two years ago, Dusty and I would not have made it. Old 'Spinner could not break 2 1/2 feet of snow. Guess I should go to bed as it as is approachung midnight but I may not try too hard to make my 8:00 class tomorrow. Suddenly I am sleepy Missed a nap today. I did get Charlie Mike's shirt finished and wrapped so all the gifts are ready. I got his number books and put them in the lock box. All I have to pack now is my clothes.  Got notes from Mary and Kit Lewis today. Maybe I will hear from Mom tomorrow. I really hope we do not get let out. It wouid be best in the long run, but we may. 

Dec 15, 1967 Friday

Yuck. Another day of snow. I cannot believe this weather. No classes yesterday and again today. I want to leave but we may have classes and tests on Monday...So here I sit, bored.  I feel like a prisoner in a medieval fortress as I look out my window and see the wirling snow.  Everyone is half frantic that we will be stuck here for the holidays. That is cause for panic. However right now there is no easy way to get 7000 people out of here. The trains are running and some busses but way behind schedule. The highways aremostly losed or in very bad shape..  Maybe I should pack just in case we do get released soon. I want to be ready anytime. Lots of people are going to leave today but I do not dare yet. I may go uptown after awhile if it lets up a little and get some chow for the weekend and books to read. It is really nasty out now so I won't go yet. I think I'll just flop down and sleep awhile as I went to bed at12:000 and woke at 6:00. 

But they finally let school out at noon on Saturday!! It was almost a perfect parallell to 1964,  so much of it was a real deja vu. I will pick up the narrative next week with a review of the traveling weekend and the trip to start my slightly extended holiday.

Snowy photos.1 and 4 were printed in Trains Magazine at a later time--like 2020 or so--and show the Flagstaff depot then-for BNSF/Amtrak- and the rest of a train extending to the east. That view was familiar, with snow--from a number of times.  In the middle are two scenes--one is the view from my Campbell Hall room, the first one--imagine looking at that with ice cycles and blurs of snow. Then another view after a different storm when some had melted but  lots was still piled around.