Living through more adjustment as I really tried to get back into a pattern of being a student again. I didn't quite realize how deeply real PTSD was mixing up my emotions and mental processes. I really did not start to recognize or come out of that residue for weeks, even months. But I did change--greatly--from who I had been until September 7, 1966 and even until November 18, 1967. Did I "go to college to get an eduation?" In many ways, yes. I saw and learned so much I had never known, understood or even realized existed before. I have to fall back on Dicken's best and worst of times, really, because it combined both ultra highs and abject lows and then many dull and depressed hours mingled in as I found liberty could become license and freedom almost nothing left to lose.In retrospect I credit myself with both the fortitude and resiliance to survive and thank the Diety and Guardian who always helped me. I was still trying to sort things out here.
Jan 14, 1968
Well, I didn't. (go to Kingman) I found the round trip will cost me $12.10. That is awful steep for a wild goose chase. I still may go before long but I'll see how things work out between now and whenever. It has really been a nice weekend. I got all my homework done and finished the striped blouse. I took two nice hikes in the snow, too. I bought Nancy's phongraph and I am very glad. It is the coolest luuxury to be able to fall asleep to the sound of music and know it will shut itself off at the end of the record. I wshed clothes today and alo my hair and the latter is curled to dry and the former hung. So I feel quite productive and worthwhile. This evening I went to the C.U. movie with Betty and Michal Ann. It was "A Patch of Blue" and was raally a beautiful movie. It was in black and white, a sort of classic style that was suitabl,e I'll add it to my list of favorite films.
This semester Betty Leinheiser and Michal Ann Magro were about the closest to friends I had in the dorm. They were both really nice girls and fairly mature, not giddy or really much acting like 'kids'. I did quite a few things with them and they often asked me to join them.
Jan 15, 1968 Monday
I can't figure whether I am overconfident, underestimate myself or just what is wrong. But I am doing lousy. A low two on the Marketing Exam--I am so ashamed that I could cry. My grades are just falling apart. Now I am really going to be in a squeeze for finals and I just know something will happen to screw me up on them And then I wil wind up with about a 2.5 average or so. God, I'd rather die now and get it over with! Yech. I started out pretty good in DAPR and Mktg--why am I falling flat now? My problems have eased up a lot in contrast to the fall. I was just feeling better over the wekend. If I blow that Govt makeup, I will just feel like crawling in a hole. Well, may as well be philosophical Iti s what it is. I'll really study and do the best I can and then try for a better semester through the spring.
I guess I was too wrapped up in grades but they were a sign of success at this point. I really did think that dripping below a high two was awful and a three was a failure! Vanity? Conceit? I'm not sure but I had some tough standards for myself. Well, it was all I had left in most ways.
Jan 17, 1968 Wednesday
Good resolutuions which I hope will last. I studied quite a lot yesterday, for me. I do think I am on the edge of that 'spontaneous recovery' from my assorted neuroses. That 90 on my Govt makeup test boosted my morale considerably, Now if I can do well on the final maybe perhaps I can geta 1 in there. I've got to do a good job on my final marlketing test to balance that 71--I am ashamed but it was mostly a misunderstanding more than a lack of knowledge for the subject. In Dapr I have two chances to pull myself up. In Accounting I am rather discouraged. I can't see clear to anything better than a two there. Anyway, I got 90/100 on my Govt extra test, That sure did help Now I've got to dig in and get a good high score on my Dapr FORTRAN exam. That's Friday. Will pour over the material on Thursday night and perhaps go to the library if the weather is okay. Today is sheet change day and I intend to get my Goodwill stuff out of the room and generally tidy up the place some more. That may be the last of that sort of thing until after finals. In fact it better be. I haven't heard from Nancy Shellman but I reckon I'll plan to go down unless I hear differently.
Jan 19, 1968 Friday
Today was ok. It began with scrambled eggs and sausage for breakfast. Had a short quiz in Mktg on which I got 100%(!) Redid my #4 program and went to take the test, It was rough. I really don't know what to expect. Harvey came to clad in his Highway Patrol uniform and sure looked sharp. Uniforms help most any guy, I guess. I'll wager he takes being an officer of the law very seriously. He even had his gun on. My #4 ran right and I finished punching my extra credit one. It will probably be screwed up but one has to start somewhere. I did go shopping and looked at lots of coats and jackets but did not buy one. I may later or not. Bought a record and some chow and blew the afternoon. That was my intention. I haven't accomplished much this evening but don't care much. Going to have fun this weekend as next week and weekend I am going to be up against it for sure--finals come. Saw Peggy heading home on the Chief. Don't suppose I will make that scene yet--wait until after finals so it won't blow my cool. I can go to Cottonwood and Jerome fora bit less anyway. I want to take abunch of photos of Jerome. And I found a '65 Kennedy half dollare today. I felt it was a good omen and I now have a full set of four.
Oh we were so modern and high tech then. LOL. Punch cards were the current big thing. There were machines like typewriters only bigger to do that and of course if a wrong punch was made, it was going to be wrong! That is assuming you had the code figured out correctly to do what you wanted. Oh my! So much has changed. But I did like coding and programming and actually did a good bit later on in my then-uninvisioned career. Natural born geek? Ha ha.
Photos? I am not sure there are any appropriate in the vault. A few that might have been are lost forever on the crashed hard drive. So I went googling and found a couple just for spits and giggles. NOT my photos!! First is a 1964 IBN card punch machine! They were big suckers! The next one is a Highway Patrol car and officer--before they became DPS in the DOT inabout 1969. I think by 1967 the uniforms were dark blue but maybe this was a summer one? Shot clearly in Phoenix by the background.
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