Memoir Monday, March 2, 1968

 Suddenly February was over and March marched in, its normal mix of weather and also of  events and adventures that were suddenly running wildy through my 'new' version of life. If my narrative seems disjointed and I might appear to be floundering a bit, my excuse is how hard it was to reinvent myself in this totally new environment I had landed in, with little preparation or warning. I felt a lot of Wow and a lot of Whoa! So let's go back to the weekend I anticipated at the end of the last week's tale. WARNING!! The next passage is semi x-rated and a tell-tale that in time I would go on to write steamy romance!! Warning II, this week's report is going to be *very* long so feel free to skim or skip anything,  including just scroll past!

Feb 25, Sunday

Well, it was a short weekend but cool, really cool. I left Flag Friday afternoon as scheduled and got to Phoenix just a little early. Dale and his bud Delbert came in and found me sitting in the depot feeling just a little lost.  Del drove us to the motel--the Flamingo,(one of the old Phoenix classics; I saw it in Az Highways recently!) at 24th and Van Buren.  For just a moment that address gave me the shudders but I got over it. Our room was 296. For a minute or two,  we were strangers . He asked if I was hungry and I said no. Then he took me in his arms and everything else faded into nothingness 'til morning--late morning. We got up, had breakfast and went walking, looking for a bathing cap for me and flip-flops for him because of the pool rules. We spent a couple of hours in and around the pool and then went up to the room and had hamburgers sent up. We ate them and made love again and he slept while I watched TV and doodled. We finally got up fairly late, bathed, dressed and and went out. Had a good Mexican dinner and then went to Harry's Capri, a nearby night spot where they had live western style music. Dale had a couple of beers and I sipped a Tom Collins (knew to keep it light now) and we danced a few slow ones. I was not a dancer but just shut my eyes and let him move me around. That was fun. We finally went back 'home' to the room and to bed. He sleeps like a rock once he sacks out. Me not so much. We finally woke up this morning and "did it" once more (seven times in 36 hours!?!), both of us tired and sore but too crazy to know when to quit. Too soon it was 3:00. We walked to the bus station where he kissed me and put me on the bus for Flagstaff. 

I'm of mixed emotions, part of me says "Huh-unh" but another reaches out to him. He's been hurt so deeply, probably quite a bit his own fault, but he is so very like Dusty, though still just himself. Not really good looking at all, but he knows how to turn me on, really on. Kiss and nibble until I am writhing and whimpering and then he takes me and I melt apart and swear I'd die if the beautiful pain went any deeper and I'd die if he stopped. I scratch a bit and bite his shoulder and then it is over. He lays still  for a long minute and then pulls away from me and I lie there limp and boneless and utterly content for awhile and then I am ready to start over again.  I do not worry now that I am cold or even feel I warm up slow anymore!! Maybe I should be ashamed and way back in a couple of musty little Victorian corners, I am. But mostly I am not and really can't see why I should be!! When "next time" will be remains to be seen but at least he is not as patient or as overworked as Dusty. The similarities are why I have named him "Smoky." I almost love him but not quite. Something is missing and I can't quite decide what. That troubles me. 

Feb 26, Monday

Guess who called me about 10:30 last night! The Boss. He is out of 'jail' and in California now, released into Uncle Dan's "Custody" so I was in no danger of running  into him over the weekend! I am kind of dragged out today but not bad all considered. I've got some sore muscles but other than that I'm fine, ready to roll again...that is a pun, by the way!

I ignored Big Ray at the cafeteria as he's old news. Dale couldn't stand much more kicking around. (How about me, I could ask but I think I just may be tougher than he is in some ways.) Females really are the stronger sex when it comes to real fortitude but they can sure be bitchy wicked. Don't I know. I may owe the male sex a kick or two but I'm not going to take that out on somebody like Dale. Don't knock it if you rock it, doll. (Or if it rocks you?) I need a longhorn. It's my first today . Dale smoked up a pack and a half of mine along with his PallMalls but he bought me a pack and showed me a good enough time that I'm sure not bitchin' about it. I don't want to get too lost over him, but he's got to see that all girls are not like "Noni" and "Peggy" (some bad ex's). Maybe I can love it up but I am no mattress back or throat slicing tw*t either. I play it very straight. As long as a guy wants me and treats me fair, I'm his girl and when it's over I may cry but I won't go mean on him. Still I keep hoping that I will get a real keeper someday and into double harness for keeps. But I won't vegetate until then. 

Dusty is always specal because he was my true first and in many ways I owe him my life. I did promise and meant it. He was both my first love and first lover and has parts of me no one else ever can.  I am still not sure why he faded out when and how he did. I may still go over to Kingman but ... I plan to go down to Nancy's (Shellman) on Sunday if I get my work caught up some. I want to see how Buzz and Leo are coming along.

 Feb 28, Wednesday

Still haven't hard from Dale--maybe tomorrow. It was windy ugly today. At noon Big Ray came in with this gal they call Hilda. She looks like a central Euroopean peasant--not a typical college girl for sure. I can't figure out now if they are secretly married (she does not wear a ring), shacked up, going steady or even related?  Shaking head. I got my posters that I'd entirely given up on and they are really cool. Clark Gable is something else (GWTW role)\ and Steve McQueen on a motor cycle!. What more could I ask for?  I sort of frittered the evening away. I really am tired so maybe I'll try to go to bed early for a change. Only two classes tomorrow so that  is a relief.

I rough-finished "The Rebellion" tonight (story I was writing) and I really like it,. I want Mike Johnson to read it and comment but may not have that opportunity. He was my last semseter's English teacher. Got another chapter of Cindy done, too, That makes four out of sixteen, 40 pages so far. I think I can finish it by Easter. Tomorrow I've got to concentrate on roughing out my formal case for Marketng, Have no other assignments for Friday so that helps. I'll spend the evening in the library. Get that done and check out my first round of books for papers--several to be done. The letter of proposal is due Tuesday; will discuss it more tomorrow. 

March 1, Fruiday

In like a lamb? It was a beautiful day. I felt  "pretty' but saw no one important. BTW, Ray and Hilda are not married,but they are engaged and getting married in June. I get the feeling it is a sort of arranged family thing. The Polasky's are Polish but whether long term citizens I have no idea. Have not heard from Dale and I am about to get ticked. If he hasn't written by tomorrow... He is getting me spoiled. I often waited weeks to hear from Dusty. I am still tempted to jaunt over to Kingman and find if he is still around there.. I have sure gotten immoral lately, drinking, smoking, free-loving...so I could be daring. 

Tomorrow I've got to get to work, seriously, most of the day to earn the privilege of going to Cottonwood on Sunday. I am wondering about Stone--a new driver I heard mentioned. He is probably older than Louie (that's impossible!) but I do have this thing about bus drivers. I wrote to the folks today and rather laid down the law, but I tried to be diplomatic about it, Geez, if they knew what all I've been up to, wouldn't they flip? Basically that is why I'm doing it, I guess., Rebellion. I'll have to send them my story, too. I don't know if they will like it but they should read it,

Tonight I'm kind of sitting easy. Nearly everyone is gone and the dorm is spooky quiet. A week ago I was almost to Phoenix. "By the time I get to Phoenix..."  Sorry,  that will have to wait for awhile. I'm going to have to go to work this summer or i will run out of funds, probably. Well, it will be good for me . I kind of intended to anyway. I'll probably try waitressing, That is one way to meet poeple and meeting people is important, especially male people.  Made up my strawberry print muu-muus tongiht. One long and one short to go over pants or a bathing suit,. I really think I'll try to make a bathing suit, I'll hunt for patterns if I go on a little shopping jaunt tomorrow. I have to take a bit of a break sometimes.  I may go to hear the 5th Dimention tomorrow night. I think it would be a good show. "So I just dropped in to see what condition my condition is in.  I've been "out" for awhile,.

'Splains?  That 24th and Van Buren address--that was the state mental hospital which had baeen a sort of joke for years in my set. That was where Dad was sent in lieu of prison for assault  with a deadly weapon.  He was always angry and offended about it but Dr Joe Hudson and Uncle Dan did him a huge favor to get that plea!  A felony record would been much worse. "The Rebellion" was a story I wrote--not quite but maybe leaning toward literary fiction.  I may put it on this blog before long--it was not pretty but I was not thinking too pretty about then.

Pictures? I actually looked on line and that old motel site was closed years ago and there was later a Flamingo Airporter at the same location but it is closed too. Right now I cannot find the Az Highways issue that had a shot of it along with other historical motels and are resorts in Phoenix--50-60 years ago!  Van Buren then was kind of an analog of Tucson's Miracle Mile. So what else might do? I am at a loss!! Just for tax, a few old ones used before will do. The one of me was at my apartment a few months later. And busses--a key element for a fwe months. 

 

Monday Memoir Feb 23, 1968

 Juggling student-ing and social life, mostly a new commodity for me. Remember,I had hardly dated at all before I left home September '66 and the prior year, I limited 'going out' to the times Dusty could get to Flagstaff and spend an evening with me. All at once a new world flung a wide door open and let me in! 

So I started this week with the Saturday after the Thursday I ended with last week. (Whatever happened to the system  of just the day that  matched the current date in --now 2026?) Well,  in part I did not keep a neat day by day record any longer and it would be so lacking in 'story' and continuity to do it that way. Is the "story" worthwhile? Does anyone really care to follow it? Looking back, it is so 20th Century and not near the end at that! I was such a weird misfit and confusicated soul, too. I am sure there were others who suffered the same malaise but with different symptoms and manifestations. Maybe it will shine a slight light for someone to show no, you truly are not alone out of step in a happy, well adjusted world! Perhaps more of us are "weird" than we ever know.

Feb 17, 1968 Saturday

Got a letter from Judy and one from Dale. That made my day. I got through classes ok and didn't feel too bad even getting 'the curse' in just 23 days. It is better early than late usually. Got up about 7:45 today and have gotten quite a few little chores done. I'll have to do more homework tomorrow though. Today I read Finance (new class this semester) and wrote letters, sorted my summer clothes and that is about it. Got my laundry done too. Tomorrow I have to do my Accounting and Marketing , maybe sew some and get beautified for the week.  I may take a walk and number the yard if the weather stays okay. I've got a big bag  of stuff for the Goodwill Drop Box. Get it out quick before I change my mind! I borrowed Betty's record of "Love Is Blue" and played it at least ten times this evening. It is so pretty! I think I will try to get the LP by Murriat's orchestra.  I have shaken my glooms pretty well. Tuesday I am going to the dentist My whole jaw will rot out if I do not do something right way. It is dumb to let it go. Re-read a bunch of my efforts at fiction writing,. I am trying to develop a style; right now I have three or four, my "Cindy" style, my "essay" style, my "true story" style and and my new (literary?) fiction style. Maybe they all have their points.

Feb 19, 1968 Monday

Happy birthday. Mom. But I am ticked at you sort of--you haven't thanked me for your gift and card or retunred my writing. Sitting on the Dorm Lobby desk this evening, I watched eeh couples come and go and felt such an ache of wanting to belong to somebody. But I do now, I guess. He seems to think so and I'll get used to it soon. Belonging to somebody is a funny sort of thing, really. It has long been a major wish or even need  of mine though.  I have felt alone for so long, partly by choice and partly by circumstances. Belonging to Dusty was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me and now Dustyh has come back to me in just a little different package. I'll get used to the idea soon; I know I will. Now Dale aka Smoky, claims to have a confession . I still remember Dusty's. It was so serious to him but did not matter to me at all, the adoption matter. One's first love is always beautiful, I guess. After that if may be more real or realistic and many other things but never quite the same magic. But I had a 'story book' romance, anyway. Someday I'll write it and share it with other lonely, sad girls.

It looks like all systems go for the weekend and I should be delighted. Conscience at this point? But that is ridic! He is a total free agent. Quite possibly that is the uneasiness. I do believe that I am subconsciously deathly afraid of marriage or any permanent attachment and at the same time afraid of being rejected. Of course worried about the dentist too. My mouth tastes rotten and probably smells like a sewer. I'll be lucky not to lose more than just a couple of bad teeth. Coward and procrastinator-are us. 

I'd almost rather keep that '8' (incomplete) in Accounting than take the 3 but I earned it and it is one more step towward my degree. A 3 is really no badge of shame; it is just average! Who am I to be too good for "average"?  I am really more ticked about the 2 from Struass, the nasty old geezer.  I will never take another class from him. ((Famous last words; there were several in time and I even got a 1 once or twice.) 

It just might be cool to get married and go a little slower than to finish school in three years Of course with my luck I'll get PG first thing.  \ I may anyhow and proably won't get married unless I do. I should try the pill or some contraceptive, anyway.  And I made four 1s anyway and that is darn good under the horrid circumstances. Really Bud screwed me up on Govt and Accounting, literally,  But I had the last laugh-- maybe? 

Feb 23, 1968  Friday

Gee I have had such a time of it lately. Had a tooth out yesterday and it wasn't bad but I am not too impressed with Dr. McEuen. Must have the other out soon and it is going to leave an awfully big hole . I really will need a bridge--just another expense and nuisance. Then I broke my glasses frames. There went $9.26 to Mesa Optical tis morning for a new pair. I feel like a pawnshop window now.  They are all glittery.  Got quite a bit of mail this morning. Leters from Mom, Charlie Mike, Judy and H.P. O'Leary (ATSF official) Seems like everyobdy is in for a wild weekend. I imagine my prvate party will swing pretty well too. If anybody wants to know, it is the wedding anniversary of this couple I knew in high school.  Her brother, an old flame of mine, just ended a 3 year hitch in the Marines. My story and I stick with it!

So pictures? Well, which is the most accurate version of "me",  the cowboy girl or the coed, soon to be an office girl? (I was going for an interview in this shot..) Or were they both wrong or both right? Sometimes I do not know... I've never been just one person, not ever. 

Monday Memoir, February 16, 1968

 So I was now "Dale's girl" but I was also determined to make a better job of this semester than I had the previous one. In some ways I did succeed but I also came to point of needing to make choices for some changes. However that is a tale for the late spring and summer so for now, what is happening in the short term? 

Feb 12, 1968  Mon

Another Monday and I am beginning to fit into a routine. It doesn't take too long once my mind is made up. I knew some things were necessary and I pulled up my socks and went to work. I really got quite a bit done and over a weekend, too.

I cleaned the room including mopping the floor, sorted clothes (you should see the Goodwill bags!) did some sewing etc. I made a skirt from my dear old corderoy jumper and it came out really cute. It will be sharp with my new shirt, the rose print one and a sweater set I have. Today I typed six pages on "Cindy". I'd like to have it done by Easter so I can take it to Judy's. I'm afraid I slightly neglected my studies, though. That I cannot afford to do. I got a letter from Dale on Saturday. I'd been about ready to give up. I guess I lack cnfidence. 

Big Ray is definitely back. This morning with only a moustache and his Cossack cap, he was trying to look like Dr Zhivago. But he is nothing to me now, really never was. He is an overgrown boy who hasn't found himself and has to keep playing roles in that search.  I am tired so off to bed soon. I can be a bit more leisurely in the morning though with  no eight o'clock class. Tomorrow I begin the night class and Wednesday I'll see about  the writer's club. The weather was yuck today, half snow and half rain and wholly miserable. I am ready for spring but it comes late to the high country.

Feb 13, 1968  Tues

What a day to have a night class. It is snowing, cold, wet and drippily miserable. Darn Ray and his wierd gray eyes. When Michal Ann and I went to dinner he was sitting with Phil Jenson (the other forester I call "Richard Burton";  there is areal  resemblence) and I think they are living together now off campus. Well that is neither here nor there. I've got Dale in Phoenix and he is not quite in the same boat Dusty was last year. But there is no harm in looking, It is safer than talking which is safer than touching etc. Will have to write Charlie Mike directly. I finished Ch 1 of Cindy today, fourteen lovely pages in two days. Well, not really lovely but thank heaven for ezyerace paper!!

Feb 15, 1968 Thurs 

Didn't see Ray today nor did I hear from Dale. (planned weekend?)  I didn't go hear Glenn Yarborough either although I could have and kind of wanted to. Really did not feel like it. My sore tooth is acting up again. It is really rotten and I have got to have it out. Will see to that soon. Am tired and lazy with the PMS type week-before blues. It is not as bad as sometimes though since I am not especially "love starved." I wish I would get rid of these damn mood swings and cramps. I finished my blouse and the purple pants today. The pants fit cool. Also got through Chap 2 of Cindy, roughly 1/8th done in less than a week. I am so proud. Tomorrow is a Friday. I only had one class today which made me lazy. Went up town for a few odds and ends and exchanged my typewriter ribbon actually without a qualm. I'm coming along famously on my poise and brass! 

Of course it rather stretches me to talk to someone like Dr McFarlane but I  need to be stretched and I damn well know it--even if it pinches a little. But I don't think I'd enjoy sleeping with a guy I have to stretch for. I couldn't give myself freely and relax. But I might try it sometime. Occasionally I deplore my low taste (?) in men but the 'classy' ones drink and screw about the same way. So why bother? May as well be comfy and enjoy it. It is supposed to be 'fun'. Without Dusty for the first, Bud would have killed me and Dale (now  called  "Smoky") would have absolutely blown my mind. Of course a bed is a darn sight better than the back area of a VW bug! I'd like to have another chance with Dusty in a king sized bed with music and maybe just one drink apiece.  I have picked up quite a bit of savvy in "seven short lessons" from a couple of highway  cassanovas! It is good to be 'with it' again anyway. I was really turned off all fall. Everyone can almost see the difference in me now. . Maybe I am too much on the prowl but I don't think so...

Pictures. Not mine. But just to think about! A bug and a bed--and no bedbugs LOL The rear seat in the Beetle would fold down and make a flat baggage or storage area. Not a lot of room. Don't ask. And a  typical motel bed??  Last-the jumper I remade. It was high-waisted, empire waist and snug through the middle then flared into a multi-gored skirt. I did love it though it was kind of olive green hue normally not a fave color.