Juggling student-ing and social life, mostly a new commodity for me. Remember,I had hardly dated at all before I left home September '66 and the prior year, I limited 'going out' to the times Dusty could get to Flagstaff and spend an evening with me. All at once a new world flung open a wide door and let me in!
So I started this week with the Saturday after theThursday I ended with last week. (Whatever happened to the system of just the day that matched the current date in --now 2026.?) Well in part I did not keep a neat day by day record any longer and it would be so lacking in 'story' and continuity to do it that way. Is the story wiorthwhile? Does anyone care to really follow it? Looking back it is so 20th Century and not nearthe end at that! I was such a weird misfit and confusicated soul, too. I am sure there were others who suffered the same malaise but with different symptoms and manifestations. Maybe it will shine a slight light for some to show no,you truly are not alone in a happy, well adjusted world! Perhaps more of us are "weird" than we ever know.
Feb 17, 1968 Saturday
Got a letter from Judy and one from Dale. Thar made my day. I got through classes ok and didn't feel too bad even getting 'the curse' in jusrt 23 days. It is better early than late usually. Got up about 7:45 today and have gotten quite a few little chores done. I'll have to do more homework tomorrow though. Today I read Finance (new class this semester) and wrote letters, sorted my summer clothes and that is about it. Got my laundry done too. Tomorrow I have to do my Accounting and Marketing , mayb e sew some and get beautified for the week. I may take a walk and number the yard if the weatehr stays okay> I've got a big bag of stuff for teh Goodwill Drop Box. Getit out quickk before I hcange my mind! I borrowed Betty's recorfd of "Love IS Blue" and played it at least ten times this evening. It is so pretty! I think I wil try to get teh LP by Murriat's orchestra. I have shaken my glooms pretty well. Tuesday I am going to the dentist My wholde jaw will rot out if I do not do something right way. It is dumb to let it go. Re-read a bunch of my writing,. I am trying to develop a style; right now I have three or four, my "Cindy" style, my "essay" style, my "true story" style and and my new fiction style. Maybe they all have their points.
Feb 19, 1968 Monday
Happy birthday. Mom. But I am ticked at you sort of--you haven't thanked me for your gift and card or retunred my writing. Sitting on the Lobby desk this evening, I watched teh couples come and go and felt such an ache of wantingn to belong to somebody. But I do n ow, I ugess. He seems to think so and I'll get used to it son. Belongignt o somebody is a funny sorto f thing, really. It has long abeen a major need of mine though I have felt alone for so long, partly by choice and partly by circumstances. Belongign to Dusty was one of the greatest things that has ever ahppneed to me and now Dustyh as come back tom e in just a a little different package. I'll get used to the idea soon; I know I will. Now Dale aka Smoky, claims to have a confession . I astill remember Dusty's. it was so serious to him but did not matter to me at all, the adoption matter. One's first love is always beautiful, I guess. After that if may be more real or realistic and many other things butn ever quite teh same magic. But I had a 'story book' romancey, anywya. SOmeday I'll write it and share it with other lonely, sad girls.
It looks like all systems go for the weekend and I should be delighted. Conscience at this point? But t\hat is ridic! He is a total free agent. Quite possibly that is it the uneasiness. I do beleive that I am subconsciously deathly afraid of marriage or any permanent attachemnt and at the same time afraid of being rejected. Of coursxe worried about the dentist too. My mouth tastes rotten and probably smells like a sewer. I'll be lucky not tol ose more than just a coupleof bad teeth. Coward and procrastinator--aer us.
I'd almost rather keep that 8 in Accounting than take the 3 but I earned it and it is m=onemore steop towward y degree. A 3 is really no badge of shame; i is just average. Who am I to be too good for "average"? I am really more ticked about the 2 from AStruass, the nasty old goar. I will never take another class from him. ((Famous last word; there were several in time and I got a 1 once or twice.) )
It justm ight be cool to get married and go a little slower than to finish school in two yearss Of course with my luck I'll get PG first thing . I mayanyhow and proably won't getm arried unless I do. I should try the pill or soem contraceptive, anyway. And you made four 1s anyway and that uis darn good under teh circumstances. Really Bud screwed me up on Govt and Accounting, literally, But I had the last laugh maybe?
Feb 23, 1968 Friday
Gee I have had such a time of it lately. Had a tooth out yesterday and it wasn't bad but I am not to impressed with Dr. McEuen. Must have the other out soon and it is going to leave an awfully big hole . I really will need a bridge--just anotehr expense and nuisance. Then I broke my glasses frames< There went $9.26 to Mesa optical ths morning for a new pair. I feel like a pawnshop window. The are all glittery. Got quite a bit of ail this morning. Leters from Mom, Charlie Mike, Judy and H.P. O'Leary Seems like everyobdy is in for a wild weekend. I imagine my prvate party will swing pretty well too. If anybody wants to know, it is the wedding anniversary of this couple I knew in high school Her brotehr, an old flame of mine, just eneded a 3 year hitch in the Marines. My story and I stick with it!
So pictures? Well, which is the most accurate version of "me", the cowboy girl or the coed, soon to be an office girl?(I was goong for an interview here.) Or were they both wrong or both right? Sometimes I do not know..
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