In between the 'adventures',the weeks could be monotonous and the old depression would still try to sneak in and mess with me. I'd been in college long enough now that it was not a big exciting challenge anymore. I knew I needed to study more and better but many times that was hard, finding the discipline and the ambition for it. What was I going to do when this was all over? I often felt I was waiting for the 'right' someone to come along so I could recreate my plans and shape them to work with his. I was still so used to being the shadow, the chameleon who changed to 'fit in' and the new persona I'd been trying to build was not the best fit--I soon began to see and feel that. So what was there? The solo room was not helping me at this point. I had nobody to bounce ideas off and to urge me to go here or there, do this or that, and simply to laugh and tease a bit about some guy or some other silliness.
March 4, 1968 Monday
I hadn't expected it but I had a good time down in the Valley. BTW, arrel Stone isn't my type. Nancy has moved up to her lot now and Buzzie and Leo are in their corrals. Both were feisty. We went riding for about two hours. I rode Leo but first gave Buzzie about a twn minute 'what for' to calm her down, Nancy wants me to come down often and help her try to keep them in line. Her kids are all crazy about me. They are cute but kind of little brats. Saw Kit Lewis and she said Lyno is fine and they do think she is in foal. Jim D is trying to sell Chief and said he'd split with me. That is okay. I wll write to the ApHC for a transfer form. I can forge a signature for it easily.
I got letters from Mom and the Boss today. I was surpised at the Boss; he is really playing it cool. Eitere he is thinking a little differently of faking it. All he wants me to do is photocopy some data for him. I can do that safely enough at the Library. Went shopping this afternoon and go somemore sewing supplie. I am going to make a bathing suit or even two. Then I will et a cool tan this summer. Still nothing from Dale. I am goign to scratch him PDQ if he does not get with it.. Really. In another day or two I really will write or try to call Dusty. Maybe a vain effort but still...
Saturday night I went to see Colleen. She is now more or less going with Doug Marcom who was in my advanced Comp class. He is a Mormon and she is going to chruch with him. That really tickled me. I am getting less religious by the day, and not even ashamed. I will xerox a few pages out of the dance books and try to practice some. I've decided that dancing could be loads of fun. I'll just sa how I was raised in a real strict home and have just busted out and am eager to learn all about 'sin'. After dinner I've got to et busy. My room resembles a pig sty and I've got lessons to do and letters to write. I am running myself to death these days but I hardly daer to be quiet and just think. And it all began with Bud Smith on Jan 20. Ther is this guy in Finance who looks like Bud. I am going to try todo a portrait. Maybe I can set up a rogue's gallery to decorate y apartment--I do ntend to live off campus soon, maye this summer. Widh Judy and Mary would write. Nobody loves me anymore. Guess I'll have ato remind them as tehya er both probably busy. But so am I and I still find time to write to my friends.
March 6, Wednesday
I had breakfast with JoANN and Edna today (the elderly lady from Winslow). Big ray came tromping in and waved gravely fist to JoAnn and tehn to me. It's cure the way he dos it, very formal and old-worldly. But went on out with JoAnn though he had sat right across. I came back to the dorm after classes and got my sheets to change when I went for mail. I had felt I would hear from Dale and I did Andalso from Charlie Mike. I answered both letters promptly. Got my Mktg case turned in and got 79 on my accounting test (making the top 45/50 on myMktg quiz. Hated the damp drizzy weateher. This evening I finish typing chapter 5 of Condy, set my houron the desk rearrangem y room some and think I have finally found the best possible arrangement.
Tomorrow I've got toget some books from teh libarary for my research projects, see Dr. Downum, an
d make the Booss's copies. I just feel soo damend tired but I do feel generally a little better moodwise anyway.
March 7, Thursday
Weid dream about Ray whenre I was back adealing with sick animals and such shoit. Hate those. Why he was there I am not sure. I am alays dreaing of Dusy \t. That has gone on for years. Dale is not that much a part of y subconscious yet. Hemay never be in which case I guess I've got no business leading him on. But hell, aperson has got to have som fun. IUNless I got PG or gegt VD, I am not paying much of a price, really.. I can't get into Ray, really and that is why I am haning onto Dale. "Don't you need soembody to Llove. Better find somebody to love," as the Airplane sings.
March 8, 1968 Friday
It was snowing and ugly but I thought it was a pretty cool day. I wore sunny yellow and was brightand cheery..Had a bti of very casual conversation wth Ray as the group he was near left and we were then sitting along at a table. I am not sure if he wanted to leave or not!I did note his hands are neat and nails clean etc but his eyes fascinate me the most. Odd gray and changeable. The finance test was bad news on roller skates . I should have recalled he asked sneeky questions Well, maybe I got 75%. I wasn't too bothered. My attitude is so bad, I'll probably get all 2s and 3s this semester! This evening I ironed and cut some fabric and ansered the letter I got from Mary today, Will answer Judy's tomorrow. Had to slog clear uptown in the rain/snow to get a stamp--it was postage due! Otherise it was just a day that passed. As I hope to do on my classes...
Pictures. It was a joy to me to see Buzzie and Leo and know they were healthy and well loved. Nancy Shellman and her husband Don were great follks. The horses had good care for several years and eventually Buzzie had a colt by Leo.
