Memoir Monday, March 30, 1968

 One more week to wind up March. Although January and February were my least favorite months, March could be a bit off-key too... Mix and match days and events.

March 25, 1968, Monday

Not too miserable a day for a Monday. I did all the tass on my day's schedule and even answered Dale's letter. I do have one corection to make on my prograsm but i got the #2 right now and it was the hardest. My little paper is all written and typed for Eng 202 tomorrow and I put in two hours at the library reading ARS (Arizona Revised Statutes) and missed a phone call which I cannot find anything about. I'm so ticked and can't imagine who. I almost sayit was Dale or Duisty but then again...I don't really know. Gloria took it but she is gonen now  Damn, that's ugly. Just once I go out and don't leave a note on my door. Just once. I'm not eveb sure which phone it was on. Maybe while she was on the desk in which case it wasn't either guy. Damnation again. I'll probably never find out.

I just got a cold and feel like crap. So much for today, better luck tomorrow! Later found it was the hall phone about 7:00. Michal Ann just told me. Still don't  know who. Possibly Dale as he has called about that time before. 

Walking down to the library about 6:15 I felt so lonely. I didn't know then that someone was probably thinking about calling me. I was feeling rather sorry for myself but got immersed in reading and forgot about it. I'd better go take my shower and get ready for bed. Tuesday is a long hard day but maybe I can surprise Mr Knox by having my programs done early. It's been a struggle but I think I've got them both. I am glad to be early and miss the worst crush in the tab room.

I think Dale is getting more attached to me. And  I may as well ride that out as far as it will take me. I'm getting tired and blue for no reason, maybe overwork. It's bedtime and i've got to try to get a little more sleep. Five hours is cutting it pretty short. Drat about that phone call. Now I will fret until I find out and I may not. 

March 26, 1968 Tuesday

I went to breakfast and sat in the first row. I began to feel frumpy so I came back and changed into my blue denim skirt and gypsy blouise. Then I felt pretty. They are more flattering to me and soft blue is one of my good colors. The morning passed quickly and I went to lunch, debated sltting with Phil but decided against it.  He is always pleasant to me though. It was a local call last night, Gloria said. I wonder? Couldn't have been...  Probably just someone asking about an assignment or something, Like Fe maybe. Oh, if I had only been here though.

March 27, 1968 Wednesday

Just moping around and I wrote: "If icould be instantly reincarnated I'd be one of those lively warm girls who gets her hands on guys every chance she gets. Then I could crawl all over Xxx but for me it would be out of characater so much. Leaing over a guy's shoulder to say something, rubbing the fuzzy collar on his jacket--it would certainly remind him of my existence!"

March 28, 1968 Thursday

How did it get to be Thursday already? Thursday night, yet. Not much to report, really. Heard from the folks today and they returned my story. I swear I won't be taken in but The Boss really seems to have changed some. It is hard to believe it's for good and for real and I say I will not be taken in but he writes a nice letter anyway. Mom wasn't too taken with my story. I did not expect her to be.  But I figured he'd be more critical than she.  I think he'd do almost anything to buy me back but whether he wants just my regard or my freedom is hard to tell. .I've felt kind of dumpy for a couple of days. I have had a cold, flu or allergy attack and stiil too  much to do. This evening I got my formal case about half done and read Kathy H's pieces. I've got to run them down to her directly. TGIF. Tomorrow is Friday again. Damn but the weeks roll around fast. Haven't heard from Dale. Wonder if he'll be up?

March 29, Friday. 

It was a baeutiful day weather-wise and pretty nice otherwise. I just lived through the rest of the day after breakfast. I heard from Judy, Dale and Kitty Meacham, who wants to buy Chief. If I get $50 it would help so I told her okay. I made reservations for my California trips and bought a few things. Sat and re-read "Gone With the Wind" after dinner and then went with Michal Ann and Christy and some others out to the airport to see Robert Kennedy. He is really terrible cool--good vibrations as Christy put it. He is beautiful, looks about 28. I expect I'll dream of him. With a gray hat, and a moustach, a blurred vision of Ray and Dusty  with a New York accent  and a smidge of Rhett Butler thrown in!!

Dale? Forget it. By the time he gets aound to getting together with me again I'm going to be twenty zillon miles beyond him.. I'll leave him on stand-by temporarily but  he's really not my kind. I have to have someone who challenges me, one way or another. He gave me a few more lessons in my 'traning' but I did not feel anything inside really. If I never saw him again I would not fret even a minute. He really doesn't have 'class'. Despite everything, Dusty did. And for a guy like RFK. I'd walk through hell --barefooted. 

Wow, little did we know that night that Robert Kennedy would be dead in just a matter of weeks. Such a terrible tragedy. If we had not lost first John and then him,  how very different things mught be today. One wonders at times how things can go so wrong and why they are allowed to happen by whatever real Powers That Be may be in charge. 

Pictures? Really have none but I will hunt a bit. These are not mine  but semi-current.  I can hardly visualize the litle rural airport I knew morphing into this. Wow.  But then when I realize how huge and complex and changed the NAU campus is, I have to realize how many years have gone by!! I almost get lost now, but the area is still special to me and holds a lot of memories.

Memoir Monday, March 23 1968

 Another unmemorable week for the most part. It was coming up to spring break and I think everyone was kind of tired and mired down and bummed from winter. Flagstaff winter could be briefly beautiful and exciting but then it got soggy and cold and slushy and too many glum gray days. This post is long but each entry is fairly short. 

March 17, 1968  Sunday

Here it is another dismal gray Sunday in Flag' with the wind wailing and an occasional snowflake flying. I am so shattered since now I cannot "climb Mt  Eldon with Phil and Ray to count pine trees" (ha ha). Nor can I number the yard or get some much needed exercise. I am getting so flabby that I just hate myself but it is hard to know what to do about it.  No mail at all yesterday. I am beginning to think nobody loves me anymore. Most dismal. I have a stack of sewing projects I could tackle and also should type a chapter of Cindy because time is getting short but I am unenthused about everything today.  Tonight I have to get beautified for my admirers so I only have until about 9:30 to work on my various projects. I really should get busy. I have done most of my homework, anyway. Danm the weather. I had so hoped it would be nice. Maybe it will next week and I can travel as I really can't risk Phoenix til the next weeek.  I'll  just have to get busy apronto and ignore the dismal day. It is silly to sit submerged in gloom

March 18, 1968  Monday

So far not a bad day at all. (for a Monday). Not too  much in the way of mail--letters from Judy and Mama Witt. At  lunch Carolyn had me come sit with her so I ended up right behind the Forester's table. Ray looked at me coming back from getting milk but I was "busy talking". I'm pretty sure he lives in the brownstone former frat house on Beaver because he was coming back with his Forestry jacket when I was coming 'home' later. He carefully passed me, not too close and not to far so I felt he expected me to speak. I said "Hello." and he replied "How are you today?" and nodded. Today was supposed to be the first day of spring. Would you believe ? The weather hadn't been informed, obviously. 

I have heaps of things I should be doing tonight but I am utterly without enthusiasm and energy. Probably what I should do is go to bed early and get a good night's sleep for a change. Then tomorrow I can write up my Marketing cases for Friday and Monday, type a chapter of Cindy and do a few other things. Maybe I'll try to type one chapter, take a shower and turn in. It's been a kind of a drag today. 

March 19, 1968  Tueasay

I'm so tired tonight at 11:40 that I feel sick. It has been a long day as so many are. Got a letter from Dale today . I've spent 2 1/2 to 3 hours trying to get one accounting problem for Friday and I'm so mad and sick of it I could just scream. I finally quit.  Frank Ogden called me today to find out the assignment for Marketing,. I wonder how he knew where to locate me? Actually he is not bad. It's funny because I mentioned him in my letter to the folks.  Tomorrow I've got to hit the railroad books for finance stuff. Can't go see Dale for awhile until he gets some bread so I'll have to do as much as I can on both papers since April is going to be frantic what with tripping to Judy's etc. And March is more than half gone already. Lissen--I've had  for today.  I'm really dragged out, tripped out, stoned out --not even real. Tomorrow is another day, maybe a better one.

March 20, 1968  Wednesday

I come to the conclusion I should attach myself to some Ivy Leaguer with a fat butt stuffed into tight pants but I am afraid I could not hack that . How about Fe (Frank Ogden) but I don't hink he is quite my type either, a rather pretty little boy and does not aspire to the drugstore cowboy routine at all. That is surpriseing considering his backgrouind.  But he is too young anyway. 

Got letters from Mary and Linda today, pictures from Mary and I'm real pleased with them although it does not look like me! Maybe my games with B&D agreed with me because I looked like 'somebody' with my shades and braids. Youthful but not quite a teenager!!

March 21, 1968  Thursday

Hi again at 11:30 pm. Damn, I'm tired but I want to write about today anyway. My two classes were okay. After DAPR I went up too Mr Davis' office. (ENGL) He was very polite and complimentary, much to my surprise. I find myself rather liking him now. I talked with him about ten minutes I suppose. I typed chapter 10 of Cindy and wrote a letter to Charle Mike since I got one from him today.I have so much to do it flat scares me. I got tomorrow's marketing assignment done and still couldn't get that lousy accounting problem. Spent about an hour and a half in the computer lab. Mr Knox came in and talked to me briefly. He is one of the most homely men I've ever seen but really quite fascinating. I think I impressed him by being there so soon anyay which is good. I need all the 1's I can get! I've got Lane (mktg) sewed up to get 100% without even being booze and bed buddies. That is aok. Yech, I couldn't sleep with him to save my life! I have sure got my weekend cut out for me and the next two months, substantially, Gads, there is no rest for the wicked, is there? I've got to get out and do some hiking this weekend unless the weather is really rotten.  And I've got to catch up on sleep a little if possible; I've been doing with about 4-5 hours and I'm beginning to run down somewhat. 

March 23, 1968 Saturday

Just a half hour away from March 24, actually. I haven't done as well as i shouild have maybe but I have been pretty conscientious and busy today. I got all my week's marketing and accounting assignments done anyway. Tomorrow I've got to write my process paper and Finanace Game book and do some housekeeping chores. If the weather is halfway decent I'll hike the high rail out east and number the yard and see how many pasing frieghts I can get. Just have to take it easier on Sunday! Must do my ironing , clean this filthy room a little and clean up myself. I can't  afford to go tripping at least until I go to Judy's at Easter--spring break. I've got to be pretty frugal with my funds from here on until I decide what to do this summer. I really don't want to go to summer school as I think I kind of need a break. But I don't know whether I deserve one and can afford the time. I don't want to go to California for the summer,, though. That's one sure thing and I'll probably end up staying right here. In a different dorm. Should see about jobs really. 

I walked out on Observatory Hill and the west track this afternoon. The fresh air and sunshine sure felt good. I would rather have been riding but walking sure beats hnaging your butt on a chair! It's kind of hard to believe the folks are all in Caifornia and I am in Arizona by my lonesome. Back in the past I wanted changes so much and dreamed of going to school or almost anything to get away. Now I am here and it isn't heaven but it is better than hell. Stil I often dream about the old days and wake up exhausted from fighting it in my subconscious. Will I never be really free from the past? I doubt it. It is a part of me . Ought to quit fretting over it and over Dusty and all that is out of reach,. Dale is within reach but probably too easy. Who then? Wait and see, little  Miss Impatience. There is stil quite a bit of life ahead of you. 

Explains: Frank Ogden was a fellow Mingus grad, 2-3 years behind me. His folks had a ranch in the Mingus foothills and their road to go up there was directly across the Camp Verde highway from the one we used to go to the 20 acres. He was never into cowboy stuff at all. Odd. Very much an MBA type, it seemed. Not sure what he finally did; saw he passed away not long ago, I think in Cottonwood

. I am not sure what the letter I showed to Dr Downum was about. Considering changing my major? Moving off campus/ Some other academic thing? Nothing comes to mind.

Pictures?  There is really not anything to show.. I'll see if there are any NAU views I have not used to death. Like Alice in Wonderland said, words with no pictures are so dull! So you get trains. First is the main yard, just up thestreet (Agassiz then) from where I lived from summer 68 on,. Then the west track from a spot low on the Observatory Hill aka Mars Hill and the Pluto Oobservatory. And last, out east along the track where I often walked all four years but mostly the first two.  Odd that I kept that train fascination so much but I knew Charlie Mike liked any info, pix, numbers etc that I might get. He went out to Roseville yard some while over there. He was mostly very unhappy.

Memoir Monday, March 16, 1968

 A week of no big trips or adventures. Many weeks were, very prosaic and one could even say dull! Despite any small and awkward efforts to the contrary, I was not destined to be a  BWOC or the life of any sorority or party set! The Honor Dorm had its share of that type but many of us were not. You had to have a good grade average and be thought well of as far as your behavior, at least what was known! Some did have steady boyfriends and some did not. Some took advantage of the laxer hours and allowance to come late and ring the door bell for Carol Ann or another 'inmate' to let you in but we were generally not "wild"!. The prior year I might have enjoyed the later times a few evenings but did not avail myself of that now. I had my fun elsewhere. 

March 11, 1968 Monday

Old blues bug bit me again. The result of a dreary weekend, I guess and about 'curse time' too.But really I got quite a bit done. The aqua skirt and the lavender/lilac outfit plus the bra of my pink bathing suii done. A few small problems with the shorts but I think I can work them out. Have all my lessons for today and my retyped letter ready to show Dr Downum. And it's ridic to dread the little interview becaus he is just so nice. So I am really sitting pretty and should feel fine. Now shape up, girl. I've even got a ride to Phoenix for $1.00 if I want to go. Betty is going down. Think I'll go even if I have to rent my own room and entertain myself! Another weekend up here and I will be fit for 24h and Van Buren myself--unless the weather is nicer. It's ugly this morning, a miserable howling north wind--yech. Almost time to trot off to class. Will type on Cindy when I get back unless there is some urgent mail to answer. Have a busy day ahead which is really good, believe me. The miseries shouild hit tomorrow or Wednesday and then after being pain-struck for a few hours, I should feel much better Maybe I should try Midol? But I do not have much faith in that. 

Later, just got back from lunch  Saw Ray, who came to talk to Phil,  but neither were with the regular crowd. Oh, just  let that go!!. Dusty, you were tender and good to me but you put me on the wrong path. I telepahically warned you last fall,  tried to tell you just what would happen and it surely did. Dale is not really right for me but I won't break up with him because I have to have somebody. And when he puts me down, I'll be another rung down the ladder. But if you don't reach out and snatch at any pleasures that go by, where are you? High and dry and lonely. I've been there too. I used to have such high ideals and they have all crumbled. It's a very old worn out story and no one wants to hear it, Any two bit mattress back can get married. Even I could if I crowded it, probably. If I squalled loud enough and fussed long enough, But where would I be then? Down inside way deep, I'm still the damn fool child believing in fairy tales, Santa Claus, all the other but it's now encased in a very uninnocent body. a 'fallen angel's' as it were. Not that there is anything unusal about that today but still...I'm afraid my 'dream prince' wouldn't want me this way and it is too late to undo the damage. Now, who'll miss another slice out of the cake? But I know and it marks me. Damn Victorian morals,  go back to your cage and shut up bitching at me.Why am I still so bound by those damned 1800s standards dad forced on me?

Mar 14, 1968 Thursday

Here I am on Thursday. The time goes by so fast.  Yesterday I drew an almost life-like portrait of Ray. It came out very good. Still not quite sure why I was given a copy of his picture; maybe a school one?  I went back and laid out the proportions, rough scketched and then finished and colored some.What a waste of time--really. Old habit of sorts maybe. Creating a make-believe image from nothing like with the old pen pals. Dumb.

I  got a three on my Finance test. Yech. I am really doing kind of badly. I've got to get on the stick. It was 77/100, a "high" three but still. I know I can do better and I must. I've somehow got to quit mooning around and sober up to work. But with Dusty, Dale and yeah, Ray, on my mind, wondering  what to do this summer and assorted worries yet, on and on, it isn't a bit easy. 

March 16, 1968 Saturday

Here I am alone on another Saturday night. But I'm not too upset about it. I wasn't sure about going to Phoenix anyway and next weekend I had better not according to my calendar.  Got my two assignments for Monday done at least. Made a couple of collages out of pictures from Playboy and loafed away the day. I have a long list of things I was supposed to do this weekend but I am not too swift at getting them done. Well, what the %^&&%^! It's only 4:30 and I had a good nap this afternoon so I really should be good for quite awhile yet. I think I'll cut out some more sewing projects and then type some on Cindy. Tomorrow I have to study some and if the weather isn't too ugly I guess I'll go hiking out the east rail and see how many car numbers and photos I can get. Have rather neglected that small avocation lately.  Stayed up until 2:00 last night reading after going out with Michal Ann and Obu (A Black guy whose girlfriend ois a friend of Michal Ann's)  in the girl's VW. She was coming in on a bus. That Obu is a character--I could not believe him and his legal conflicts if I hadn't lived with The Boss. Gawd, what a kook.  Hell, it's hot in here. I think I'll open my door for awhile. On the second floor there is not much going on to close away. 

 Pictures: My "Art" effort --I had not done a portrait for awhile, not since one of Dusty so compare? Oddly I never did one of Dale and in retrospect no poems or even sketches. I guess that was significant. Sorry the one of Dusty did not come across well--it is slightly too light,  copy oif a copy I think

Mempoir Monday, March 9, 1968

 In between the 'adventures', the weeks could be monotonous and the old depression would still try to sneak in and mess with me. I'd been in college long enough now that it was not a big exciting challenge anymore. I knew I needed to study more and do better but many times that was hard, finding the discipline and the ambition for it. What was I going to do when this was all over? I often felt I was waiting for the 'right' someone to come along so I could recreate my plans and shape them to work with his. I was still so used to being the shadow, the chameleon who changed to 'fit in' and the new persona I'd been trying to build was not the best fit--for the real me. I  soon began to see and feel that. So what was  there?  The solo room was not helping me at this point. I had nobody to bounce ideas off and to urge me to go here or there, do this or that, and simply to laugh and tease a bit about some guy or some other silliness. Family had ceased to be and many old friends were gone as well. I had always been 'alone' to a degree buit this time it was too intense and too real.

March 4, 1968 Monday

I hadn't expected it but I had a good time down in the Valley. BTW, Darrel Stone isn't my type.  Nancy has moved up to her lot now and Buzzie and Leo are in their corrals. Both were feisty. We went riding for about two hours. I rode Leo but first gave Buzzie about a ten minute 'what for' to calm her down,  Nancy wants me to come down often and help her try to keep them in line. Her kids are all crazy about me. They are cute but kind of little brats. Saw Kit Lewis and she said Lyno is fine and they do think she is in foal. Jim D is trying to sell Chief and said he'd split with me. That is okay. I wll write to the ApHC (Appaloosa Horse Club) for a transfer form. I can forge a signature for it easily. 

I got letters from Mom and the Boss today. I was surpised at the Boss; he is really playing it cool. Either he is thinking a little differently or faking it. All he wants me to do is photocopy some data for him. I can do that safely enough at the Library.  Went shopping this afternoon and go some more sewing supplies. I am going to make a bathing suit or even two. Then I will get a cool tan this summer. Still nothing from Dale. I am goin g to scratch him PDQ if he does not get with it.. Really. In another day or two I will write or try to call Dusty. Maybe a vain effort but still...no, I have not forgotten and won't.

Saturday night I went to see Colleen. She is now more or less going with Doug Marcom who was in my advanced Comp class. He is a Mormon and she is going to chruch with him. That really tickled me.  I am getting less religious by the day, and not even ashamed. I will xerox a few pages out of the dance books and try to practice some. I've decided that dancing could be loads of fun. I'll just say I was raised in a real strict home and have just busted out and am eager to learn all about 'sin'. After dinner I've got to get busy. My room resembles a pig sty and I've got lessons to do and letters to write. I am running myself to death these days but I hardly dare to be quiet and just think. And it all began with Bud Smith on Jan 20. There is this guy in Finance who looks like Bud. I am going to try to do a portrait. Maybe I can set up a rogue's gallery to decoratem y apartment--I do ntend to live off campus soon, maybe this summer.  Wish Judy and Mary would write. Nobody loves me anymore. Guess I'll have to remind them as they are both probably busy. But so am I and I still find time to write to my friends.

March 6, Wednesdaey

I had breakfast with JoAnn and Edna today (the elderly lady from Winslow). Big Ray came tromping in and waved gravely first to JoAnn and tene to me. It's cute the way he does it, very formal and old-worldly. But I went on out with JoAnn though he had sat right across.  I came back to the dorm after classes and got my sheets to change when I went for mail. I had felt I would hear from Dale and I did.  Also from Charlie Mike. I answered both letters promptly. Got my Mktg case turned in and got 79 on my accounting test ( but making the top 45/50 on my Mktg quiz.) Hated the damp drizzy weather. This evening I finish typing chapter 5 of Cindy, sat my hour on the lobby desk,  rearranged my room some and think I have finally found the best possible arrangement. They are small and awkward rooms.  Tomorrow I've got to get some books from the elibarary for my research projects, see Dr. Downum, and make the Boss's copies. I just feel soo damend tired but I  feel generally a little better moodwise anyway. 

March 7, Thursday

Wild dream about Ray whenre I was back dealing with sick animals and such shit. Hate those. Why he was there I am not sure. I am alays dreaming of Dusty. That has gone on for years. Dale is not that much a part of my subconscious yet. He may never be in which case I guess I've got no business leading him on. But hell, a person has got to have some fun. Unless I got PG or get VD, I am not paying much of a price, really.. I can't get into Ray, really and that is why I am hanging onto Dale. "Don't you need somebody to Love. Better find somebody to love," as the Airplane sings. 

March 8, 1968 Friday

It was snowing and ugly but I thought it was a pretty cool day. I wore sunny yellow and was bright and cheery..Had a bii of very casual conversation wth Ray as the group he was near left and we were then sitting alone at a table. I am not sure if he wanted to leave or not! I did note his hands are neat and nails clean etc but his eyes fascinate me the most. Odd gray and changeable. The finance test was bad news on roller skates . I should have recalled the prof asked  sneaky questions Well, maybe I got 75%.  I wasn't too bothered. My attitude is so bad, I'll probably get all 3s this semester! This evening I ironed and cut some fabric and anwsered the letter I got from Mary today, Will answer Judy's tomorrow. Had to slog clear uptown in the rain/snow to get a stamp--it was postage due! Otherwise it was just a day that passed. As I hope to do on my classes... 

Pictures. It was a joy to me to see Buzzie and Leo and know they were healthy and well loved. Nancy Shellman and her husband Don were great follks. The horses had good care for several years and eventually Buzzie had a colt by Leo. It felt good to be in a saddle again after quite a while. Both horses knew me.