October was not spooky in the classic sense but there were sure a bunch of trolls and bugaboos wandering into my life and world about then. Things were mostly not even close to pleasant and "peace and tranquility'' were nowhere to be found. The matter of Dusty had not quite broken out and come to a head but it was starting to simmer. I had settled my position in my own mind and heart and knew I would be U.S.Grant-- determined. But did I know how hard it could be? Or maybe I did have a clue or two.
Oct 2, 1965 Sat
I got up late and was late all day. This was another of those damn days but I guess better than some. I rode out very late after we talked awhile (don’t recall about what.) Brought Crisco back with me and Charlie Mike rode him after we talked some more. Then we unloaded hay and this and that and had lunch about 3:00. We drove out but I rode Cinder to lead Crisco. We trimmed the three colts’ feet and Chipper’s split hoof and did all the routine chores. I rode home alone up the river and Charlie Mike and I did the home chores. I can’t get contented and settled down to anything because things keep getting fouled up. I was just thinking I really can legally do whatever I please. Like say, “I’ve got a date tonight and I’ll be home by 12:00.” They’d have a cat but they really couldn’t stop me. I should’ve forced more issues long ago instead of letting them all build up. Now it’s pretty drastic. After supper I played a couple of records and drowsed on my bed to listen, wishing for Dusty. How come I chose him (or he chose me) I don’t know but I can’t be sorry though perhaps I should. I really don’t know what they’d do if I just told them about it, even the total and straight unvarnished truth. I wish they’d kick me out but they wouldn’t . Ha, who would do the work then? Damn I hate this whole mess (Not you, Dusty) Letters or nothing matters anymore. Life wouldn’t if it weren’t for Dusty and doesn’t much anyway. Wish I’d die in my sleep, really. And maybe he would too. Damn, that is awful, no?
As always and even a bit more then 'normal', money was super-tight. We had sold Tony-Buckshot after we got him back,along with Patrick to the Verde Valley School. They were both allegedly my animals and I had broke and trained Pat by myself but of course did not see a penny out of that or even a mild "attagirl" for my work.
True, it had to go for feed for the stock and a bit for us but I was still hurt and angry. And it was mostly me and somewhat Mom who were supposed to be going out and "selling" while Charlie Mike and I must find training jobs, maybe shoeing or other horsey employment on our own. That despite he was in school and I was already doing 90% of the livestock care and related work. And every day there seemed to be a new 'emergency' that called for "talks", lectures and diatribes on how we all were so much to blame.
I think the idea that I was of age and no longer "had to"obey any and all orders or rules came to me during the miserable efforts with Crisco. I knew for sure I had partly created my own prison and 'age 15' level of social and personal lifestyle. Was there even any possibility I could change this now? Certainly not easily or painlessly. Between the enmeshed family and emotional incest issues I might as well have been encased in a thousand miles of spiderwebs, reinforced with concrete. Yes, depression was getting very deep and dark.
By now I knew Dusty was working on the legal separation but I had told no one except a very little to Charlie Mike. Of course even then Dusty was still "married" for all practical purposes and that would have held little to no water in my parent's view anyway. I'd been warned off a year ago, and no one had quite fully recognized I had absolutely ignored that. Mom had some idea at least and of course would soon inform Dad. My reference to Grant above: the Union general and later president was also born on April 27 and was a true Taurus. He once said "I propose to fight it out on this line if it takes all summer." (essentially no surrender) And I could be that adamant too.
Photos . I took very few along at this time. Why bother? And I had no film anyway. So--fence work, one frequent chore since the fences at the pasture were old and not in good shape. Rebuilding them all the time. Then farrier work--this was a mule's near (left) front foot and I was filing it to level for shoeing or to ease pressure on a cracked place. And some donkeys--I never got a shot of Crisco but he looked like one of these. Pick a shaggy light one. On the face of it, donkeys are not that different!
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