A week made only a little difference. I was still trying to be very careful and "do right' so I had not really seen Dusty and was feeling that keenly. He was not going to take the first step because he'd said he'd give me time to work my end of things out. We had not really broken up but I worried it would end that way. I should not have, but remember what my world was like at this time.
Oct 23, 1965 Sat
Got up fairly early after spending a restless night. I broke my chain in my sleep and envisioned it as symbolic of Dusty and me breaking up, but I was able to fix it. Does that mean I can mend our current rift? I hope so. I rode over on Buzz after feeding and looked around. After breakfast I rode out on Cinder and did the chores. I’m working on Becky Sue some now. The folks went to Prescott and Kirkland. I rode Chief and led the two little ones. Charlie Mike went out to do the midday, so I made brownies, cleaned my room, sorted clothes thoroughly and washed dishes. I’m gradually getting rid of a lot of creepy clothes I seldom wear. If I keep at it, my wardrobe will eventually be reasonable. I rode Lyno out. She was frightfully high but I can ride her. They got back rather late with groceries. I made supper again--stew. We talked about horses etc. afterwards. I guess tomorrow will be rather frantic. Today was okay generally. I wish I’d just be left alone more. I can work more efficiently that way but I may not delve very deeply on my own I must admit. I suppose learning and growth just has to be painful. Wonder why? My diary/journal is the only place I can pour out my thoughts etc. Wish I could finish the “Story” up to date. Doubt that I ever will now though. I am having to drop an awful lot of things by the way and I’ll probably never return for them. If only I don’t have to lose Dusty but I rather feel I already have. Oh, then I haven’t a purpose, hardly. It’s all for him.
Charlie Mike was still on 'my side' in this all. He was getting very tired of our male parent's attitude and mean actions too. Dusty was always very good to him, treating him just like a younger brother so he never objected to delivering a message for me etc. In fact he voluntarily checked in with the Bridge Gang every few days.
I guess it seems like I was always writing notes and letters--true, that was my way. Since this was not a typical "going together" situation, it was one way to keep in touch since telephones were not really accessible and there were no cell phones or email or anything; oftentimes meeting was a matter of chance and effort to try to cross paths. At this point, it was very happenstance as I was under a tight level of surveillance and did not dare push the envelope much. The chain I mentioned was the fine silver one that my little Zuni sun face came on, my very special 1964 Christmas present. I had worn it constantly inside my shirt to protect it.
Obviously I was now riding Chief, stallion or no. He was very well behaved and performed as well as any good gelding. I was also working Lyno since she was not able to handle dad's weight with his big saddle. She was high strung but not mean or tricky at all. Becky Sue was a young mare we had gotten in Gallup, NM with Bunny and Peppy and Peppy's colt. She was fairly gentle but did not know anything--even after a year being there, so I thought to try. I recall her as a dark dun, nice confirmation with a lot of potential--not much realized,sad to say. In a few months I could have done with her like Patrick and Ginger. But time, energy, support or encouragement? Ha ha.
I had a closet full of clothes I almost never wore and was sewing any spare moment but my ideas did not always turn out so I'd do a drastic thinning now and then. A day when at least Dad and often even Mom and Alex were gone was almost a vacation--nobody was on my case or scrutinizing every task I performed and everything I might not be doing exactly as I was supposed to--under the current day's 'rule'. I so often felt alone and isolated. I did confide some in Charlie Mike but a lot of my concerns were just too mature for him. He was 14 now which is a long ways from 22. But I thanked heaven he was there as I tried to be for him. We trusted each other which was invaluable, a life saver.
I was at a pretty low ebb-- Dusty and our bond was one of the few things I would absolutely not set aside, deny, abandon or give up. So much of the rest of the 'stuff' that was important to me or enjoyed continued to drop off into what few cracks were left and I doubted I would ever get into them again. It hurt--a lot. Thankfully within less than a decade I'd picked up many old hobbies and interests, added to them and made them part of my life as they are to this day. Resilience and determination can do so much. But right then...and it got worse before better.
What will illustrate this point in time? Little new, for sure. Charlie Mike with Prez. He got along with the big old mule real well. An old shot of me on Chief. I cannot paint a picture of drudgery, bad weather, chronic tiredness. It would be gray and dull, brown like mud and kind of blue and purple like bruises. No--that is too bleak. I will leave it to morbid imagination!
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