Just a month more...how have two years flown by so very quickly? The fact that college days are not infinite and will end much sooner than I had even considered suddenly appears. And that very thorny, puzzling question: What in the blazes am I going to do after that? Goals were dim, vague and really did not feel promising anymore. I almost wish I could just stay closseted in academia forever. I could almsot guarantee good grades wif I chose my subjects carefully. I could write papers until dooms day. I could...but who would pay for that?
Did I skip my birhtday intentionally? Perhaps I did.Nothing of any consequensce occurred for sure and I almost resented finding myself half way to thirty which at that point seemed very aged.
April 28, 1968 Sunday
Almost April 29 actually. It's been a busy weekend but ratehr nice. Part of it, anyway. I got up early Saturday and was in the library by 8:30. I stayed until 12:30 and got my paper rough-drafted. All afternoon I worked on Wall Street Jounrals except for going to buy some strawberries for a birthday treat.
Today I typed my rough copy, read my Act, washed and colored my hiar, called the folks and went to see The Graduate. Had a Tom Collins beforehand. They slide down so easy. The movie was good. Simon and Garfunkle's songs do a lot for it. It is a devastating satire, cuts almost everything about today. I would not quite put it in my favorites list but that is pretty exclusive.
Dale called tonight. He is in LA and trying too get on with Greyhound, would you believe? Old bad penny himself who cannot be gotten rid of? It's betime. No marketing at 8:00 in the morning and no morning class on Tuesday either. I'll get lazy, won't I? (Fat chance!) My color pictures came and they are cool.I've just got toget some of me now. Maybe Dale would oblidge me.
April 30, 1968 Tuesday
April wewnt out prtty lamblike weatehrwise. I rathe wasted the day but probably needed a break. I was sitting doing my accounting when Dale called. He was aat the Monte. So I met him up town and we had coffee and talked until 11:30 when he walked me back down to the dorm. At 3:00 after Dapr, I went back up. He was asleep but I woke him up and shared the bed for awhile. I was really allset to tell him that it just wouldn't work and I wasn't going to see him anymore but he was talking how I had restored his faith in people nand himself etc. so I could hardly send him off to go through Greyhound Training that way as he is a bit spooked about it already. I hd to be nice. He bought me a hamburger for dinner with about his last dollar or two and walkedm e down to class. I kissed him goodbye and sent him off to Albuquerque where he is staying with is parents regrdless of some hard felings. Coming down I'm sure Forester Ray passed us by Foodtown but probably didn't notice and I saw Stacy uptown in the AM at one of the finance companies, but he didn't see me. I'm afraid I do have a "dark and roving eye" even if my m otehr was not an acrobt. My pap was a wild man so that's a ubstitute, quite adequate.
I am not in love with Dale, I don't really even love him. He was sleeping there with an arm across me and I was a million miles away. I kind of like him because he is fun and funny and I feel kind of sorry for him because he has had a rough time though I suspect he brought most of it on himself. But I may as well face facts. I am already twenty-five and and one flamboyant and defiant fairy tale romance is about all a girl can expect. I may well never meet another man who hits me the way Dusty did. So I had better decide whether I pick an intellectual and spend my life stretching to match him or a non-intellectual and be comfortable but mentally bored. Or play it fast and free, or be bull-headed and wait for Mr Perfect even if he is 100 light years away. I rally can't have my cake and east it too and were I to meet him being obviously 'slightly used' what would he think? (I can't forget that my male parent never quite let mom forget she was not snow-white pure, just nce but that was enough.) I shall have to have been secretly married, won't I?
May 3, 1968 Sunday
Long time no me? Not really but in the past week I've been a few rounds. Had a birthday, had a drink, seen a good movie and rolled over, not in the clover, at least once. Is that enough? And I have almost finished the Incorporation pape, started on the ATSF company and stock value one and will finish both this weekend to meet the 9:00 Monday deadline.
The Freshman Carnivalis tonight. I am not sure whether I will go or not.I painted some for the worthy endeavor since Campbell Hall has a discotheque booth withespresso and fortune telling. It really sounds kind of like fun in a silly way so maybe I willtake a break and go for a couple of hours. Then get back to my cage to work. Have to run up town and get a little chow after 3:00 but I don't intend to get too involved or spend a lot of time. Maybe I'll cash a #10 check so as to have a little loose change. It is too aerly in the month to get the $5.00 from Kentucky, so soon after my birthday. There are several little things I do need to buy.
Just one picture: When I look back today at the "real" loves of my life, there is only one that I knew in the spring of 1969. None of them were truly "cowboys" nor princes nor really exactly any of the ideals I thought I was seeking at that time. Did I mature? Did I settle? Did I have to wait for the right people and/or the right time?
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