I am not sure why I was writing so little, often only a page a week. Life was not totally dull and pointless and I was often less depressed than I had been for awhile. Never no worries or what ifs or even second thoughts of course, but I was at least positive about the change of academic focus and getting a bit closer to what was real and interesting to me although at that time, career plans were still dimmer than vague!
September 29, 1968 Sunday
The time goes by and by. Today was a bright open sunny day with a stiff wind. I went out for an afternoon walk and sat for awhile on the little bridge across from the bus depots. I hadn't been up there for a long time. I was reminded for fall 1966 when I was so restless and spent many hours out and along the trrack. I'm so much older now, even so much older than I was a year ago. I've been a bit blue today; it is the season of the year, and my season of the month, I guess. I am man hungry but I don't want to get messed up with Dale anymore. He is gone, probably mad at me and I really hope he stays. I have a potential number for Dusty with the mining company; just went to the phone company and looked it up but I am not sure how best to use it. Somehow. I would really like to get a phone here but $50 is an awful price to pay (deposit and installation) If a great windfall comes up, perhaps I would. Anyway I will try soon on tht reaching out--leave a message or something. Just to talk to him might help some.
Mary and I went to see Captain Newman, MD tonight at the CU (campus union) I saw part of it at Nancy Shellman's last year. I couldn't remember for a bit and it plagued me no end. It is good to have a roommate although I feel a flash of irritation now and again. Otherwise, I'd probably commit suicide before the year was over. On the way back, coming through the parking lot, I saw a couple in a car--I think it was Betty Leinheiser and her Chuck. Anyway the girl was nestled into the fellow's side with her eyes shut. I've only been with one guy like that. I wish now I had only been with him at all. Bud was real a mistake and really Dale was too.
Charlie-Dusty-Darlin', have I made you into a superhuman hero in my dreams and longing? Have I overbuilt you until no mortal could fit the image of my fantasy and would I be disappointed to see you now? Have you become old? If you aged at the rate I have--gods forbid. Would you even take me back now truly 'slightly used ' as I am? And would I be sorry in the end if you did? I'm scared to know, I guess, but I must know if I am to settle my mind.
Oct 5, 1968 Saturday
Have a few minutes before I have to leave so I'll write a bit. Yesterday it rained. It's semi clear now but they predict it will rain more later. Well it is getting on toward high country winter so that's to be expected.
I hope it is nice tomorrow. it is unholy to get up about 5:00 to catch that silly bus, but I'll have to. I might find out some thing useful or I might even have fun. And it will be my only chance for awhile to go down. I am rather lonely and "man hungry" I guess. It's about time I ran into some lecherous macho, the mood I am in. Unless dear Dale returns. I reckon he has buzzed off for good and tanto mejor if so. I really should concentrate on my studies and other useful and virtuois activity until ...well, rather indefinitely really!
It is almost time to blow--one O'clock will be here soon and then I have an assortment of chores to do afterwards. I am going to iron and Mary and I may hike out to SuperX. I've got to cash a check and get some stamps also. Always things to do--always. And honestly, thank God for that! Vayase...
To explain or fill in a bit since I did not do that much even later. I took the bus to the Verde Valley but apparently not to Cottonwood as I had months ago. Maybe to Camp Verde? Anyway I was going to visit Kit and Richie Lewis who had Lyno and Leo for awhile and then bought Lyno permanently. They were a really cool couiple and became good friends, older but not 'old'.
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