Monday Memoir Feb 23, 1968

 Juggling student-ing and social life, mostly a new commodity for me. Remember,I had hardly dated at all before I left home September '66 and the prior year, I limited 'going out' to the times Dusty could get to Flagstaff and spend an evening with me. All at once a new world flung a wide door open and let me in! 

So I started this week with the Saturday after the Thursday I ended with last week. (Whatever happened to the system  of just the day that  matched the current date in --now 2026.?) Well in part I did not keep a neat day by day record any longer and it would be so lacking in 'story' and continuity to do it that way. Is the story worthwhile? Does anyone care to really follow it? Looking back it is so 20th Century and not near the end at that! I was such a weird misfit and confusicated soul, too. I am sure there were others who suffered the same malaise but with different symptoms and manifestations. Maybe it will shine a slight light for some to show no, you truly are not alone in a happy, well adjusted world! Perhaps more of us are "weird" than we ever know.

Feb 17, 1968 Saturday

Got a letter from Judy and one from Dale. Thar made my day. I got through classes ok and didn't feel too bad even getting 'the curse' in jusrt 23 days. It is better early than late usually. Got up about 7:45 today and have gotten quite a few little chores done. I'll have to do more homework tomorrow though. Today I read Finance (new class this semester) and wrote letters, sorted my summer clothes and that is about it. Got my laundry done too. Tomorrow I have to do my Accounting and Marketing , mayb e sew some and get beautified for the week.  I may take a walk and number the yard if the weatehr stays okay> I've got a big bag  of stuff for teh Goodwill Drop Box. Getit out quickk before I hcange my mind! I borrowed Betty's recorfd of "Love Is Blue" and played it at least ten times this evening. It is so pretty! I think I will try to get teh LP by Murriat's orchestra.  I have shaken my glooms pretty well. Tuesday I am going to the dentist My wholde jaw will rot out if I do not do something right way. It is dumb to let it go.  Re-read a bunch of my writing,. I am trying to develop a style; right now I have three or four, my "Cindy" style, my "essay" style, my "true story" style and and my new fiction style. Maybe they all have their points.

Feb 19, 1968 Monday

Happy birthday. Mom. But I am ticked at you sort of--you haven't thanked me for your gift and card or retunred my writing. Sitting on the Lobby desk this evening, I watched teh couples come and go and felt such an ache of wantingn to belong to somebody. But I do n ow, I ugess. He seems to think so and I'll get used to it son. Belongignt o somebody is a funny sorto f thing, really. It has long abeen a major need of mine though I have felt alone for so long, partly by choice and partly by circumstances. Belongign to Dusty was one of the greatest things that has ever ahppneed to me and now Dustyh as come back tom e in just a a little different package. I'll get used to the idea soon; I know I will. Now Dale aka Smoky, claims to have a confession . I astill remember Dusty's. it was so serious to him but did not matter to me at all, the adoption matter. One's first love is always beautiful, I guess. After that if may be more real or realistic and many other things butn ever quite teh same magic. But I had a 'story book' romancey, anywya. SOmeday I'll write it and share it with other lonely, sad girls.

It looks like all systems go for the weekend and I should be delighted. Conscience at this point? But t\hat is ridic! He is a total free agent. Quite possibly that is it the uneasiness. I do beleive that I am subconsciously deathly afraid of marriage or any permanent attachemnt and at the same time afraid of being rejected. Of coursxe worried about the dentist too. My mouth tastes rotten and probably smells like a sewer. I'll be lucky not tol ose more than just a coupleof bad teeth. Coward and procrastinator--aer us. 

I'd almost rather keep that 8  in Accounting than take the 3 but I earned it and it is m=onemore steop towward y degree. A 3 is really no badge of shame; i is just average. Who am I to be too good for "average"?  I am really more ticked about the 2 from AStruass, the nasty old goar. I will never take another class from him. ((Famous last word; there were several in time and I got a 1 once or twice.) )

It justm ight be cool to get married and go a little slower than  to finish school in two yearss Of course with my luck I'll get PG first thing . I mayanyhow and proably won't getm arried unless I do. I should try the pill or soem contraceptive, anyway.  And you made four 1s anyway and that uis darn good under teh circumstances. Really Bud screwed me up on Govt and Accounting, literally,  But I had the last laugh maybe? 

Feb 23, 1968  Friday

Gee I have had such a time of it lately. Had a tooth out yesterday and it wasn't bad but I am not to impressed with Dr. McEuen. Must have the other out soon and it is going to leave an awfully big hole . I really will need a bridge--just anotehr expense and nuisance. Then I broke my glasses frames< There went $9.26 to Mesa optical ths morning for a new pair. I feel like a pawnshop window. The are all glittery.  Got quite a bit of ail this morning. Leters from Mom, Charlie Mike, Judy and H.P. O'Leary Seems like everyobdy is in for a wild weekend. I imagine my prvate party will swing pretty well too. If anybody wants to know, it is the wedding anniversary of this couple I knew in high school Her brotehr, an old flame of mine, just eneded a 3 year hitch in the Marines. My story and I stick with it!

So pictures? Well, which is the most accurate version of "me",  the cowboy girl or the coed, soon to be an office girl?(I was goong for an interview here.) Or were they both wrong or both right? Sometimes I do not know..

Monday Memoir, February 16, 1968

 So I was now "Dale's girl" but I was also determined to make a better job of this semester than I had the previous one. In some ways I did succeed but I also came to point of needing to make choices for some changes. However that is a tale for the late spring and summer so for now, what is happening in the short term? 

Feb 12, 1968  Mon

Another Monday and I am beginning to fit into a routine. It doesn't take too long once my mind is made up. I knew some things were necessary and I pulled up my socks and went to work. I really got quite a bit done and over a weekend, too.

I cleaned the room including mopping the floor, sorted clothes (you should see the Goodwill bags!) did some sewing etc. I made a skirt from my dear old corderoy jumper and it came out really cute. It will be sharp with my new shirt, the rose print one and a sweater set I have. Today I typed six pages on "Cindy". I'd like to have it done by Easter so I can take it to Judy's. I'm afraid I slightly neglected my studies, though. That I cannot afford to do. I got a letter from Dale on Saturday. I'd been about ready to give up. I guess I lack cnfidence. 

Big Ray is definitely back. This morning with only a moustache and his Cossack cap, he was trying to look like Dr Zhivago. But he is nothing to me now, really never was. He is an overgrown boy who hasn't found himself and has to keep playing roles in that search.  I am tired so off to bed soon. I can be a bit more leisurely in the morning though with  no eight o'clock class. Tomorrow I begin the night class and Wednesday I'll see about  the writer's club. The weather was yuck today, half snow and half rain and wholly miserable. I am ready for spring but it comes late to the high country.

Feb 13, 1968  Tues

What a day to have a night class. It is snowing, cold, wet and drippily miserable. Darn Ray and his wierd gray eyes. When Michal Ann and I went to dinner he was sitting with Phil Jenson (the other forester I call "Richard Burton";  there is areal  resemblence) and I think they are living together now off campus. Well that is neither here nor there. I've got Dale in Phoenix and he is not quite in the same boat Dusty was last year. But there is no harm in looking, It is safer than talking which is safer than touching etc. Will have to write Charlie Mike directly. I finished Ch 1 of Cindy today, fourteen lovely pages in two days. Well, not really lovely but thank heaven for ezyerace paper!!

Feb 15, 1968 Thurs 

Didn't see Ray today nor did I hear from Dale. (planned weekend?)  I didn't go hear Glenn Yarborough either although I could have and kind of wanted to. Really did not feel like it. My sore tooth is acting up again. It is really rotten and I have got to have it out. Will see to that soon. Am tired and lazy with the PMS type week-before blues. It is not as bad as sometimes though since I am not especially "love starved." I wish I would get rid of these damn mood swings and cramps. I finished my blouse and the purple pants today. The pants fit cool. Also got through Chap 2 of Cindy, roughly 1/8th done in less than a week. I am so proud. Tomorrow is a Friday. I only had one class today which made me lazy. Went up town for a few odds and ends and exchanged my typewriter ribbon actually without a qualm. I'm coming along famously on my poise and brass! 

Of course it rather stretches me to talk to someone like Dr McFarlane but I  need to be stretched and I damn well know it--even if it pinches a little. But I don't think I'd enjoy sleeping with a guy I have to stretch for. I couldn't give myself freely and relax. But I might try it sometime. Occasionally I deplore my low taste (?) in men but the 'classy' ones drink and screw about the same way. So why bother? May as well be comfy and enjoy it. It is supposed to be 'fun'. Without Dusty for the first, Bud would have killed me and Dale (now  called  "Smoky") would have absolutely blown my mind. Of course a bed is a darn sight better than the back area of a VW bug! I'd like to have another chance with Dusty in a king sized bed with music and maybe just one drink apiece.  I have picked up quite a bit of savvy in "seven short lessons" from a couple of highway  cassanovas! It is good to be 'with it' again anyway. I was really turned off all fall. Everyone can almost see the difference in me now. . Maybe I am too much on the prowl but I don't think so...

Pictures. Not mine. But just to think about! A bug and a bed--and no bedbugs LOL The rear seat in the Beetle would fold down and make a flat baggage or storage area. Not a lot of room. Don't ask. And a  typical motel bed??  Last-the jumper I remade. It was high-waisted, empire waist and snug through the middle then flared into a multi-gored skirt. I did love it though it was kind of olive green hue normally not a fave color.

Memoir Monday, Feb 9, 1968

 Changing horses--or 'heroes' mid-stream in a quick switch . Bud effectively vanished on January 30 and on February 7, I began a  new relationship that proved to be of a bit longer duration. Dale reappeared. For a few days I did not make a lot of journal entries but later collected a few notes and scribbles and used them to build a bit of continuity.

Feb 7, 1968  Wednesday

Notes on the past week. Tuesday morning I took my MKTG test and then was finished. It was awhile before I knew the results of the finals. They were quite a lot good, a bit bad and not too ugly. I can't for the life of me recall much about Tuesday and Wednesday. I sewed and loafed mostly, I think. Thursday was Registration and that went smoothly, all classes scheduled, checks arrived and most fees paid.  Then Dale came about 11:00.  As of now, I am Dale's girl. Surprised?  We had a snack at Yiya's  and then departed Flagstaff  by bus for Phoenix. There he had use of a car from a roommate or friend; I think several drivers and ex-drivers shared a houise. We went to a drive in movie and did what people usually do at drive-ins--kind of watched the movie and made out. I'd seen Hell's Angels on Wheels before  anyway. Then we took a room in a motel and made love all night. This guy is something else. Leaves Bud in the shade? Well-- nobody has turned me on like this before. He is slightly rough but I can take it  now. Maybe Bud kind of prepared \me? 

Friday morning we drove and had breakfast and then I found I couldn't go on Continental so we dashed over the Greyhound and I was off to Tucson for the expected weekend with Mary. I really had a weird feeling of living two lives because Mary and her folks are so different from Dale and his world. She was ill with a quick virus and they had tried to call and stop me but I had already left.  We still had a cool time. Mr Davenport is so neat! He reminds me of Dr Joe Hudson and is quite charming. I went riding with him on the foothills place he and Mrs Davenport are caretakers for and even out to dinner. Then I went to classes with Mary on Monday and Tuesday  We took in a good movie and talked for hours! She is going to try to come up for summer school and then I will see about transferring to UofA next fall. The bus trip back was a drag.  I left Tucson at 2:00 and sat with a funny little cowboy truck driver who had been hurt at his uncle's ranch in Duncan and was going to a VA hopsital in California. At Phoenix, Honor Dorm gals Kelsie, Florence and another were going back up. We were 'treated' to a grand tour of central  Arizona and eventually got back to Flag at 11:00 pm.! There had been a train wreck and several Santa Fe guys from Glendale on short call rode up to Ashfork. Not sure where they went from there. 

And so classes began again today. I think I may enjoy this semester. I got a 2 from Strauss (Govt) drat. That gives me 1.58 for the semester(?) and  a grand total of  1.27 for 64 hours. It could be worse but I am disappointed. Better luck next time.  Dale said he'd write and I hope he does but I am not up to trekking to Phoenix again this weekend. I'll loaf this one   and I owe Nancy S another visit soon. Then it may be Dale's turn again.  Not that I am not eager but I should not be too eager. I also have to watch the calendar; possible sterility is not enough to be sure and safe andn o pills for this gal..

Feb 8, 1968 Thursday

Guess who is back. He walked into the feedlot this morning big as life and twice as ugly with a beard and a Cossack hat. He followed me up to ditch trays and I stopped at the cig machine for a pack of Marlboros. and greeted Kelsie who was coming down the line. He passed me and got a pack himself. I did not see what.   I am going to try to ignore him, if Dale does not desert me too long  I am the only gal in Report writing, wouldn't you know it. I think it will be fun, though. I have an idea I am going to be writing my arm off this semester but I don't mind that. I wrote Mom and Charlie Mike today, a few more letters to get out. I'm going to keep really busy plus have some swingin' times. I am all enthused about everything. If I can just keep that frame of mind, I will be fine. Now and then I wonder about getting in with 'wild company' but the profs and all do parties just as much as the bourgoise and even the more "plebian" set. So--take your pick, no? Must run to Knox's class. Hasta.  BTW, the returnee was Ray, the forester, in case it is not clear!) 

FWIW I got the following semester grades: Interim Acct--3; Advanced Comp--;1; Beginning Psych--1; American Govt--2; Data Processing--1; and Intro Marketing-1.  The Accounting was from blowing that damn final and the Govt partly as well. Thank you dumb me. And I was not going to get upset, I said. Infamous last words.

An ironic note: The guy who hit the young mares and his wife were both former MUHS classmates but I recall almost nothing about them. The irony is that about this time I learned some non-friends in the valley were urging the widow to file a wrongful death suit agaist ME!! Whoa. He was driving on a back road and clearly too fast for the hazardous conditions right after a unprecedented storm. He may have been intoxicated; I never saw the accident report. But why was he alone, apparently at night, when most roads were barely passable? I guess the pasture owner was 'guilty' too for not having made a fence to handle three feet of snow. Well, I had lost two valuable animals, ordinarily worth at least $500 for the two, one registerered Quarter Horse and the other from a grade Arabian mare by a registered Appaloose stallion. So why go after me who was 100s of miles away when it happened? But this is an example of how I was sometimes treated, perhaps adversely impacted by the toxic behavior of my male parent.A post or two back, I mentioned getting the subpoena. Well, I will name a name this time. It was initiated  by Bud Lindner. Why me, just since my dad was at the time out of reach being confined in the state mental hospital? What had I ever done to harm Mr Lindner??  Yes, I am bitter in some ways and feel wronged unjustly. The family was so hated; and that was ...a sad harsh punishment on all of us.  Of course it is old news but I never fully forgot.  I can't. 

Pictures? How about a cowboy girl morphed into coed and then trying to cosplay a swinging 60s 'glamor' girl?? LOL. I have few pix of me and no selfies at this stage so a random two or three. First is before college in a dress I made, still rather demure. Next was visiting in San Lorenzo NM when the folks were there late fall 1968 and finally one I  have never made public before from Colorado. It was 1974 getting some sun after a long winter turning pale.For spits and giggles? Very much!! I was then about 31 but still staying slim. Go ahead and laugh! I do every time I see it!

 

Memoir Monday, Feb 2, 1968

 Monday Memoir Feb 2, 1968

 Jan 27, 1968 ( starts with notes from jumbled  thoughts, not a journal entry right here) 

For the moment, I was rhapsodizing about my new ‘boyfriend’ and sliding dangerously into an emotional attachment that I *knew* was unwise, even hazardous. In most ways I was just playing make believe and yes, settling for not even second best but much less than that. The seductive illusion of being appreciated, enjoyed, valued, belonging… It did not take long to pop that balloon and the next year or so I avoided even starting to go there. And thankfully that was doable.

I called Bud “Beau” for the southern feeling. He was at the end of a dying relationship and it was not going well; I never knew any details, just felt it was sad. .I wrote "He is so sweet and such a monster all rolled into one. Russet leather hair and very blue eyes, beautiful teeth; conceited and shy, rough and gentle a carefree little boy and a  burdened hurt man. All rolled into one."  Yes I was going way too fast and should have or maybe even did know better. It was so sudden and I had really not nearly put myself back together and found firm ground again yet  Then a  few days passed when I was back full time studenting and waiting to see where I’d go next.  My little unexpected dream was on the edge of destruction and it happened quickly--like boom and crash.

Jan 29, 1968 Monday

Short and sweet, huh? When I made my mistake was Saturday morning going up and waking him when he was hung over. I should not have done that, should I? Because he was not terribly nice and what’s more I fell in the snow and ice, bruising my knee and tearing my tights and then screwed up my accounting test because I was all upset. Saturday was not my day.

So Sunday, in spite of the snow, I hitched a ride with Old Louie, all the way down to Phoenix. It was lovely down there. I walked in the sunshine and then waited at the depot and saw my ‘ero come in on the 5-Star. He did not see me until I passed him on my way from the restroom. I am still not sure if he was pleased or ticked. It was a long ride back, just the two of us from Prescott on. We talked but after Cottonwood it seemed to go awry and just fizzled so I walked away from the depot alone. This evening he called to inform me that he was leaving for Los Angeles--on the road now with the guy who had the red car--I think. for a change of area he had asked for?  So that is over. Well, it was fun in a crazy way.

I think I did fair in my DAPR test. I’m getting ones in English and Psych anyway. That makes me feel better. Then Nancy C (the phonograph girl) and I went to see “The Ambushers” with Dean Martin. It was really cool. And I just had this perfectly wicked idea--how would I do as a 5 Star hostess?  I think I will inquire directly. 

A little ‘splaining. In the manner, of the airlines and their attendants, Continental started a class of "upscale" busses with a few more amenities which they called the 5 Star Busses. . One of the specials was an on-board hostess. I am not sure how long that went on but I did consider it as a temporary career. I lost interest soon because they had stricter rules than the airlines. Darn near a convent life! No hanky panky, very strict height, weight and grooming rules and of course no “fraternization” with passengers or drivers, and quartered in much worse and more restricted  dorms than old NAU's worst.  Oh on, not for this gal.  

Illustrations here, not my photos. :  Driver and hostess loading a bus and the big  Continentals of 1968-69. The 5 Stars were a bit higher than the regular ones.

Memoir Monday, January 26, 1968

This week life picked me up, spun me like a brief tornado and dropped me back considerably rearranged. Preordained ~?? Anyway, events both destructive and potentially diverting evolved. Yes, my finals did get somewhat trashed in the process but I managed to pass everything and not get any really horrible grades, just one wicked 3. Ouch.. I'm not sure what entity or force to thank for that! 

The next year or so evolved in very unplanned ways in my personal life but my scholastic or academic life finally settled and proceeded mostly in an orderly manner with deciding a few major changes of direction. Most of  my 'new life' was probably a very necessary learning and growing processs; I might have done better to have most of those experiences a bit earlier in my life but ultimately I sorted out  a number of things and possibly ended up where I was actually supposed to be. As Yogi Berra said, one must take a fork when you come to it but there is no way to take them both or more--choices happen, whether you intend or want them to or not. 

Jan 21, 1968 Sunday

If yesterday was not a dilly! I got up at 7:30, showered, dressed,  had a semi breakfast then headed for the bus depot.. Yeah, I was half-hoping it would be Nick Dawson driving, but it wasn't. It was a long tall Southern sonof-a-gun named Bud Smith.  I was really not aware that he was giving me the eye and since he was not even wearing wellingtons,(Loafers I think!) I was not too impressed.. But I did sit in the front seat and watched him drive and thought he kind of reminded me of Harve.  Nancy Shellman was waiting at Lillian's. We went to look at Leo first. He is at Geroge Stott's since the storm delayed Nancy's moving. He looks good. It is Dingbat and not Rico that George has, though. And he looks just like Peppy. Buzzie looks fine too. 

Then I heard the bad news.  During the storm, Cindy (Cyn Mas) and Twinkles got out over a snow covered fence and were killed on the Cornville Highway where they were both hit by James Ohlwiler who was also killed in the process. I wonder how fast he was going in the ice and snow to hit that hard? It was during the stormy holidays and some tried to get in touch with me without success. Of course I was in California and no one had an addreess or probably even knew I was there. I was pretty upset about this. I had planned to keep one and sell the other to pay for her feed; I prefered Twinkles since she was so much like her brother Patrick and would break easy but Cindy was a registered Quarter Horse and probably more valuable. But that idea was now impossible. Then we went to pick up Jim's wife (a totally different Jim who had been keeping and mlght buy Chief) to her chiropractic appointment. I sawChief and he looked terrible. That was sad too. So we went over to Clarkdale. There was obviously a rockslide outfit  and crew in town, probably the same burro crane there last spring. At least I was sure Leo and Buzz and I am positive Lyno also are in good hands. It was rumored Louis Dunn paid $150 for Puani but he can't get her papers because I have them, never resigned  afterward dad  got them the guyhe met at Whipple. My first inclination is to buy her back but I know that would be foolish. I am just not meant to have a horse now.  So I tried to eat a little dinner and watched TV with Nancy until 7:30 when we went down to catch the bus.

Bud was still driving and I was the only passenger. It was weird, just as it it was all meant to be.  We came up the canyon talking about everything under the sun and this time I was impressed.  In Flag, we went over to the Greyhound cafeteria and had coffee, still talking. I ended up going down to his studio apartment at the Vandevier Motel where many drivers had space.  Turned on the TV to the FM music station and sprawled on the bed  drinking bourbon and coke. When he reached,  I could have said no but I didn't. But I'd downed about three drinks on a near-empty stomach so  almost too soon,  I was suddenly awfully sick. Knelt on the cold tile with my head over the commode until most of it came up. We walked out in the cold for a bit and I was better but nausea hit again as soon as we came back into the warm room.  He took me up for more coffee and then walked me down to the dorm. I was silly and talkative but could walk okay. I said I took the drinks too fast. He may have thoought I had been scared or something but I really wasn't.  I wanted it every bit as much as he did. Last May was an awfully long time ago. I'm sorry, Dusty. He can't take your place because you were first and  always special but I waited as long as I could.  I've been a peach ripe for picking for quite awhile. Next morning I actually felt pretty fair after a shower and some soda crackers and a glass of lemon-lime soda. Guess I'll do my accounting, go check my mail for yesterday and then maybe take  a good hike.  And wait for Bud to call-- which he might not do but he said he would.  

 Are you readers as shocked or surprised as I was when I got up the next day? The loss of the two young mares hit me very hard. I cannot call that a real excuse but a jolting change was past due and it came for me like a runaway train. My new "education" had truly begun.

Jan 22, 1968 Monday

So I took my DAPR test, got my programs in. I had gone down to Nancy's and heard some bad news, got drunk, went to bed with a bus driver and now it is Monday morning again. What do you know? Now there really are no more exams until finals but I've got to hit the books. Dying to see what I got in DAPR. Hope it is okay. Am going to be nice to Harve this morning, Bud did not keep his promise to call yesterday so to hell with him. Just say I had a good time and got rid of some tensions and check that one off. I just may run over to Kingman after all. Find how much the round trip is on the Chief and then go Greyhound? But I may go to Jerome on Sunday just to scare hell out of Jimmie Mac. I feel mighty bitchy!

Jan 23, 1968, Tuesday

Part 1

I am rather ticked at Buddy, really. Can't figure out why he hasn't called except he is just waiting for me to come to him. Which, fool I am, I'll probably end up doing. It all seems so surreal now, anyway. I cannot figure him. If I had only been sober and not all fouled up to begin with over the horses I'd have been more sensitive to impressions and would have a clearer memory of it all and be able to make a better estimate of him. The teasing tenderness of "Pobrecita" (said to me at some point) brings one image. He insisted on getting my phone number also. Part of it all was clearly just a line yet in a way I think the bottled courage was meant for him as much as for me, and part of his conversation was selling himself on the whole idea too. Perhaps the fact that I am not on the pill gave him second thoughts.  Possibly he needs a little reassurance. (I was not sure but already suspected I might be sterile--the damn mumps.) Then again maybe he is just a playboy out for some fun and a one-night-stand was all he expected. It is all at variance and incomprehensible, so many contadictions. I liked him almost instantly once we started talking and was not afraid at all. Or am I kidding myself again? Did I just imagine/pretend it was Dusty? I wish I wasn't so complicated! If I could understand myself, other people would be no trouble at all.  It was cool coming up, just the two of us in the big old bus--a very odd sort of trip, really. And quite a coincidence. It's never happened before and probably never will again. 

So far only my vanity is piqued that he has ignored me. I was too easy, but I was 'love starved' (not really for sex but human contact and a feeling of being valued) so no use beating around the bush. Given a chance I might go back for more. That would/could be a problem. I feel kind of bad about being uunfaithful to Dusty, but ye gods, how long am I supposed to wait? Now I am so glad Mary called. That gives me somewhere to go for the break, anyway. And I sure do want to get away from this joint for awhile. She still wants me to transfer to UofA. Maybe I should but not before fall. In ways I'd like to now but I know I wouild screw up the whole deal if I tried.  

Part II

By golly I believe I'll keep my new year's resolutions! I was pretty ticked at Buddy yesterday asit was supposd to be my "lucky day." Something mail or maybe male?  But you know how it goes. I had a phone call about 7:45. I was surprsied as hell too. It was Buddy Boy who said I stood him up last night (say what?) and wanted me to come up. He said scare up a girl for his friend but I told him to come get me.But then his supposed sweetie came in on the bus from AQ and it was the friend who came after me. His name is Dale Hunter and he looked so damn much like Dusty it really hit me hard. He was just going to tell me about Bud's 'bad liuck' but then he asked me to go out for coffee. We wandered around and ended up in his room minus any booze. He is an ex-driver, divorced and from Phoenix now. He was with Continental and is suing them over his no-fault accident firing. Apparently he really liked me but I said I did not like the idea of being passed around among friends. He denied that was what it was but I still said no."At least until I know you better." He was maybe not real happy but clearly not too upset. He is supposed to be up the first of Feb to see his attorney and will take me out then. I'm in a quandry--will have to see what Bud does or says. I liked him but---I do not owe him anythng. A week or two ago I would never have believed it. Here I am with two problems, two new problems to choose between. Looks like my luck is changing. I'm changing too, maybe not for the better but it depends on how you look at it. I think Dale will be cool. He reminds me so much of Dusty. Like most guys, he cannot figure me out. I have an idea the next few weeks may prove muy interesante!

Jan 26, 1968, Friday

And I did see Bud again before Dale got back... (Falling too fast and hard and being dumb...that was so me at times.) He came and got me last night and we walked, watched TV and ate hamburgers --after making love and nearly fell asleep together after the second time. He is something else. I fall apart and melt into nothing and it's pain and glory all at once. But I like best lying close to him afterwards and talking or resting with my head on his chest and hearing his heart beating hard and steady under my ear. If I had not learned Dusty's ways first, I probably could not deal with this but I do find I am not "cold" at all. or even slow to warm up. Last night I forgot to take my socks off--now I am even on that score. LOL. Oh, Dusty used to bug me there. Bud is terribly strong but not really rough and does not seem heavy. It may be he just balances his weight off me or I am too lost to notice. Not that Dusty was ever heavy;he was always very gentle and careful of me.  Bud is on the road tonight, I guess in Cottonwood about now. 

So is everyone properly shocked?  I never was little miss goodie two shoes but I  simply  never had many opporunities to step into the "free love" period of the late 1960s.  I  still felt qualms about Dusty. I very definitely still loved him and missed him greatly but  he was gone and I had no idea where and how he was.  I did quickly decide to back off and not get emotionally involved any more than I could help. It was too dangerous and asking for hurt. I'd had more than I wanted of that so now it was just to have fun, get the human contact I urgently needed-which I desired much more than merely sex although at times it was fun and good. No question,  Bud could be described as "good in bed" without any doubt. Even my limited experience recognized that. But as a long term companion or partner, not really. Even then I recognized that as well.

Pictures? A last look at Cindy and Twinkles and  then  a glimps at Nancy's place a few weeks later. Finally Cottonwood's main street, perhaps a few years earlier but Lilllian's would be on the right side not too far down the street.