Memoir Monday, Feb 24, 1967

 

Deeper now into the second semester, I was still Roman Riding the two main aspects of my life and almost developing a split personality to fit whichever environment I was presently in. That may sound crazy but to a degree it was a survival mechanism I created as I moved deeper into the academic world while still keeping a foot in the old life and all it entailed. I suppose some of that still lives in my inner self.It often feels like more than one entity resides in my body and brain.

Feb 24, 1967

Lacking a specific day entry,  I will again start with the weekend, Feb 18-19. Saturday I got a short ride on Chief and then helped with fixing the bumper and trailer hitch (I think on the big truck).  Anyway that took a lot of welding.. some cussing and fussing... Charlie Mike and I took a dusk hour walk and I slipped a note under the back door of one gray former boxcar over on the outfit track. No one was around. We had Mom's birthday dinner that evening. Apparently it was almost uncharacteristically calm and quiet for I related no issues. The next day we went up to the mountain and got a huge load of wood, mostly fire wood. I worked myself into the ground while wishing I had a partner who would enjoy being out on a nice late winter day and not mind some real work. No names, just a faceless but cool guy...in a way the imaginary "Kevin" or other dream SO of earlier days.

Yes, Dusty would fit but  he was not there. Jim M would never fit of course; he is sort of a "Big Daddy Confessor" figure--which sounds silly but we do have a few things in common and he is older than me though not so much... I don't really know what about him, but he hasn't got 'it' for me nor do I for him, I am pretty sure. Which is a kind of safety net, too. At least he is "acceptable" to the parents, oddly enough. Well, teaching is a much more 'honorable' or genteel profession than being a mere railroad man, no? Dad sneers at that so much and even Mom,  using it almost as a cuss word, yet they both were raised on railroad pay including being sent to college! And what have they done with any of it, really? Do they seek to live over in me or try to? I really do not understand. Basically my being valedictorian and now making honor roll grades are about the only things I have done that seem to get real approval from them. Occasionally a bit of art or writing perhaps, like patting a child for a gold star--not big but 'nice'.

I probably took the bus back, though I did  not say, but I was back on campus Monday morning, Feb 21. I finally started my Nez Perce-Appaloosa paper.( This was an extra credit semi-term paper for History and was a passion-project to me)  I'm still not studying like I should but I am trying which is more than I was doing for awhile. By later in the week I had become more conscientious. I spent six hours in the library on Wednesday and the next evening went down again with Mary. 

Again I spent the weekend on campus which belongs to the next post! Really at times this life was about as opposite of exciting as one could get. I should have enjoyed it more, I suppose. It was hard to 'act like' a coed most of the time being older and having had so many other experiences by then. It was still so very different from the cowboy girl years, which could often be very routine and dully repetitive too.  But that was still totally different--or this was,  and it was still hard to skip back and forth between them. Looking back decades later, I recognize both were significant and still form much of the foundation of who and what I am.

Some photos, not mine but some I collected to use in the big memoir book project.where I lacked my own scenes. First is a typical Continental Trailways bus much like I rode up to and occasionally down from Flagstaff for four years.  Greyhound and Trailways had different routes set by certain rules and agreements, a different kind of tariffs. Next is Cottonwood's old main street. The bus station was at Lillian's--does it still exist?-- a very good ice cream, coffee and baked goodies place then but this shot is in late 50s, a little bit earlier  than the time I cover. Finally near where Beaver St intersected the then main drag of Flagstaff. The two bus stations were across the street behind the train in this picture. Beaver was the main street going directly down to campus at that time. There have been many changes in the 56-60 elapsed years. 

  

Monday Memoir, Feb 17, 1967

A weekend 'home' and then another one back, after which I broke my intention and went down to the valley again. I had a hard time tearing free from the enmeshed family habit and all that included and meant. It took a cataclysmic change to finally make the ultimate break happen--but there were several months to go yet since that was Aug-Sep of this year. 

Feb 17, 1967

Eve's curse hit me midday. I didn't suffer too bad, lucky for once. Went to my three classes and the Boss arrived at 2:00 to take me 'home.' I got the "new" $50 out of the bank etc. and we were off. I searched the road for small blue "Bugs"   but saw none. We got to Clarkdale about 5:45 or 6:00. 

Clearly an uneventful Friday so I go back to pick up the 11th and 12th and the rest of the week.The first two days, I spent a fairly nice weekend down home. Rode Leo and Chief, lazed in the sun, fixed the turquoise and white print skirt, and read the QHJ  and Appy News. I made the trip back to Flag on the bus and showered and washed and braided my hair since we had to stay up 'til 11:00 for a hall meeting. Will probably go home next weekend again and then plan to stay here awhile and maybe have some more good times.  

Explaining--QHJ was Quarter Horse Journal  and Appy News, the magazine of the Appaloosa registry. Both breeds and horses in general were still a significant part of my life and remained so to some degree for a number of years. I moved into other interests over time but even today I still have a twinge of regret at times for leaving this part of my past so far behind and for so long. It was collateral damage to my life style as it played out. And I guess I used that $50 to help Buzzie and maybe the studs with some needed better quality feed like pellets. Charlie Mike would feed them for me. 

Feb 14 was Mary's birthday as well as Valentine's Day. I got one from Jim signed "love" would you believe? I cannot take that very seriously though. Not much else thrilling except I got a $100 check from Uncle Dan. I put $50 in the bank, $25 in my 'safe' place here and spent most of the rest. I got a Ventures record and some clothes. I really have way more clothes than I need now. I'll have to discard some soon. That was always kind of hard, but there were some I no longer or even never really liked.

The next day I thought I did pretty well on the accounting test and got a 2 on my first theme in English for this semester with a different instructor.We began dissecting piglets for biology but it was not too gross. I have my future program all planned--a Social Science (History mostly) major and Accounting minor. I have a feeling what I truly want to do is going to come to me soon.  So far it is mostly playing by ear. I skipped the Rodeo Club and ironed with Mary's new iron which works very well.

 I heard from Aunt Ruth and knew I had a box coming from California with See's Candy and some other stuff. I nearly ran whack into Ray (the forester) at  lunch. I had better watch where I am going. The next day  I was studious and worked on Accounting for an hour and a half. getting Friday's and Monday's work done.  Later worked on history for a good hour and  then wrote a theme for English. After dinner went to the library with Mary, poked around and read a short novel quickly. At times the routine seems so dull and even pointless but in many ways it is easier than I ever expected. College always seemed so elevated and almost an impossible dream. (Yet there I was, rockin ' it, to lapse into the slang of many years later.)  Once the first semester was over, I no longer had a great insecurity about making good grades or even excellent ones and got a sense of how much time I had to a invest or apply to get projects done in time and adequate quality. Maybe it was too easy? Compared to the cowboy girl years, I suppose I did get 'lazy' in some ways. 

Photos are not relevant really.  I did not take too many at Flag once the new wore off and life became pretty routine. The days spent back at the old ranch were the same. I did my cowboy girl stuff on a smaller scale with nothing like as many critters and tried to help Charlie Mike as much as I could now, with him having to deal with a much greater crapola load as the main man and not just a key helper. So anything I put in will duplicate of past  just to decorate the\blank text: two of Charlie Mike and me riding, probably about March 1967 and one shot of snow in Flagstaff from a second story in North Quad that same time.

Monday Memoir, Feb 10, 1967

 Now for a week, all at NAU, that was mostly "fun"  (a term I rarely use as I do not identify with it or really understand what it means) but I guess it kind of fits. Several pleasant and enjoyable events occurred and I was not unhappy much if any!

I went back to Clarkdale on the 10th and ended up not writing until I returned on Monday the 13th so I will just go back and reconstruct this week to that point--from February 4 &5 on. I'll share my comments on the 4th, a rather down day for me. 

Feb 4, 1967

Well, the snow sculptures are melting. Ray and his Forestry Club won sweepstakes. I think the Iwo Jima one  was theirs Mary and I had gone to the movie the night before and then watched the snow sculpture work. I got $5.00 from Mama Witt (maternal grandma) and spent it on film and food. Today I've read two Zane Grey books and fretted over a deep longing for my distant darling. Sometimes I miss him so much. I spent two and a half hours at the  Depot Park and numbered nine trains. It was a busy afternoon on the rails.  I just finished my supper--mushroom soup. I've had a cup of coffee, two serving size boxes of Apple Jacks, some cookies and crackers, an orange, two apples and the soup to eat today. I may go get a Coke for desert. I'm thirsty and tired. It all seems so unreal. Sometimes I could just go get that $200 'safe fund' and buy a ticket to hell and go and go. I'm in that spell--a bad phase of my monthly cycle when I feel like heck and get the glooms for sure.

Then it was Sunday the 5th,. That day turned out all right. I never know what to expect. I got up late, had box cereal breakfast and tidied the room after Mary left. (she worked in one cafeteria) and then was off to church. Then I set out on a walk, needing to get the prior day's depression out of my system. The miles slid by, five of them out east to "outfit alley" where nothing was then parked, numbered a lot more trains and got as weary as I needed until my fretful thoughts became just sweet hazy dreams. Finally started back to campus. A little blue VW passed me. I turned and saw the license plate and 700 hit my eyes.  I puzzled a moment and then hurried back, got tidied up and waited for the call I hoped would come. It came quicker than I expected, about 4:30.  After I identified  myself to the operator: "Hello. What are you doing now?" "Talking to you on the phone." "How about going out to dinner?"

In a short while I was out to slip into Bluebird. Dusty was all dressed up and his eyes smiled at me as we pulled away. He's been in Flag most of the weekend--no wonder I was so restless. Turned out that Peggy and her boyfriend just got engaged and both sets of parents apparently felt a  need to meet. I assume Mrs Watt came up too.  I don't know how all that went, but okay I guess. Anyway that was why, so we went to the Afton House and enjoyed our first real dinner together. Afterwards there was still plenty of time to go for a drive. We had a rare long time to snuggle and talk, starting to make some tentative plans and believe there could be a future. I was back to the dorm at the proper time and then relived it all, 100 times over--almost as special. He told me it was my Valentine's gift. Funny how Dusty always says I am little--which seems odd as I do not think of myself as small. Slim but not little! Perhaps the semi-ex is stocky or even fat?  On the other side, Jim always says how tall I am--but he is 6'2" or so and Dusty about 5'10" Shakes head here!

Monday was the inevitable let-down but I edged back into 'real life' (or was it?) and tried to settle into studies. I told myself I could not afford to fail out now--for me that would be dropping a distance under my 1.5 permanent goal since I now knew I *could* do that. The rest of the week went on, rather ordinary, not at all bad but nothing worth relating. By Thursday I said I was kind of anxious to go down to the valley. It will be a sort of relief for two days--hopefully not long enough for much conflict. And Friday I had the first tests of the new session and they seemed to go well enough.  The Boss arrived about 3:00 and I went back to Clarkdale. 

Pictures: Some of the snow sculptures. They were mostly well done and very cool! I think the 1st was the Foresters. Sorry I did not credit the creators in any notes etc. By the next year I guess I did not take any photos. By then things had already changed quite a lot.