Monday Memoir, Jan 31, 1962

 So 1962 was a momentous year for me. Finally graduated and then more or less voluntarily accepted a four year sentence of indentured servitude. That will be covered later. I am about ready to move ahead a few years and leave the school daze behind here in a few more weeks. Stay tuned, FWIW.

Jan 31, 1962

I woke up at 8:00, almost too tired to move and knew it was no use trying to make it to school. We talked awhile and I hope we’ve got a few things settled. We drove out before breakfast to feed. After eating I walked up town to get the mail. No family or business news. I got  an announcement from Lin who has had her baby. It was a girl on Jan 22. I also got a letter from Jose. “Hola, Alegria, mi aiga, mi querida” and twenty nine pages followed!! We rode in the afternoon, Dad on Prez, Charlie Mike on Rosie and myself on Annie.. We rode all around above the lake and came out at the pasture. We chased the horses and made them run. Ritzi is so pretty it almost hurts. I’m so grateful that her leg is healing. They say that Leo Greenough died on Monday night in his sleep apparently. Well, I suppose it had been coming for a long while but I am sorry anyway. I wish I had sent him a Christmas card and Dad wished he’d gone to see him once more. But it’s too late. I must remember that. There comes a time when it is too late to do everything. I must write a poem about that sometime. In The Montana Legend  I’ll have to have my hero get up off  his sickbed and ride his favorite mount down the slide slope to his death so that “all those women won’t stand over my body forgetting me in their hate of each other.” Now I am tired but content, or at least somewhat content. Tomorrow I guess I’ll have to go back to school but I don’t care. Nothing is too bad. I am sure we are going to succeed and that two men love me: Jose and Wayne. What more can I ask?

Did a bit of name dropping here so will have to do some 'splaining. This last semester I was trying not to miss too much school but there were days I had to take a mental health day or recover from some kind of trial or trauma. Guess this was one. Some sort of family drama, no doubt. All too common.

Lin was one of my early girl pen-pals. Since we started writing, she had gotten married and now gave birth to her first. Debbie is now older than my "baby daughter" so --well 62 to 22--Y'all can count. Anyway Linda and I are still in touch. She has had some serious health issues and has lived in an assisted care place for some time now but we are still BFFs and always will be.  Sadly my one time pen-pal and HH Jose was not so long lasting. About a long year after this he 'jilted' me for a new lady he had met. I wrote scads of maudlin poems...

Ritzi I have mentioned before.  She was about a year old here and growing up very pretty. The three animals we rode were all mules. Prez and Annie we had for along time. Rosie was sold not too much later.

Leo Greenough was a well known Verde Valley character, a 'dude rancher' and lion hunter. He and Dad were friends and Dad went on a number of hunts and expeditions with  him. I had a strange sort of crush on him for a long time. He was one of those "larger-than-life" people who ought to be in a novel! I'm still working in fits and starts on that! By coincidence the older sister of one of my closest friends in Clarkdale, Evelyn Graves Morales , worked for him for many years and inherited part of the ranch after his passing. Shirley Graves Burton  passed away a coupe of years ago.

For a realistic pessimist, I could be a rosy-glasses optimist at times. I think mostly I was trying to convince myself because I really knew better.  Happily ever after was strictly in fairy tales. I guess one reason I write HEA romances...since maybe there can be sometimes.

And now some photos: first Mr Greenough and two of his hunting hounds. Then Prez under saddle; he was a big husky mule. Next me holding Mindy (my right) and Annie (my left. She was tall and leggy but a good mule. And last, Linda Bush Pflug with Debbie and her hubby, Dick about 1964. 

Monday Memoir, comparing Jan 24, 1958 and Jan 24, 1961

 From my freshman and  junior years in high school,  Emphasis on the junior year but the other is just to illustrate one of my prevalent difficulties. In the first semester of 60-61, I was in a pretty rebellious mood but was beginning to calm down by Jan 61 but still had a flare of aggravation now and then. The strict constraints on my social life and "free" time could be pretty hard to take. 

The first block really brings out the enmeshed family situation where I often had trouble making up my own mind and resisting the forceful and often ugly or harsh comments, orders and rules that were imposed on me. Here I was fed a major dose of s**t  (bold faced below--so NOT my own real words!!)) and briefly went along with it, parroting my Dad's scathing vitriol..  Other than having bright red hair and dressing a bit flashy, I see no reason to label Mrs. Miller so rudely. But the family standards were always rigid and very strict. Of course no boy or man I was ever interested in was anything but a fouled up POS and hoodlum that I must stay away from and look down on!! That got very old after a number of years.

Jan 24, 1958

Got up early. Fed the stock. Ate, dressed and off to school. Finished Elizabeth Barrett Browning’ story and copied a few poems. Usual English. Recess. Algebra. Home for lunch, ate and up again. Usual typing. Up to Spanish. No news. History. Had a test. I did pretty good I guess. Tyce as usual had a hard time. Had a pep assembly and I never heard the kids yell so loud. Came home. Usual chores. I wrote a sonnet in history. (14 lines for 14 years). After supper we had a long talk about getting papers etc. Also about Tyce. I really have a weakness for guys of his caliber. Monday I will look at him with new eyes and I don’t believe he’ll look the same. I will still be nice to him but I will think of him only as a poor little kid. I know now that I never loved him but pitied him and got my emotions confused. That is enough said. Howard Schwab is worth much more. Tyce is only a curiosity, nothing more, nothing less. A poor unfortunate kid with a hussy for a mother. Adios, Gaye

Jan 24, 1961, Tuesday

Well, another dull boring school day. The “inquisitors” were there today. Sharon didn’t go and I wanted to talk to her. Oh well, no me importa. We only had observers in one of my classes. That was Chem and I think I conducted myself with the proper decorum. I was glad to light down from the bus and hit for home.  I got a letter from Sonny and about six yards of coal black gabardine from “Shane” which is doubtlessly meant for shirts for us. I’m not going to make them quite as plain as he would perhaps prefer. I’m going to trim them with silver rick-rack. I rode Queen tonight. I was so  happy. I think if I gave up Colonel and Skip to get her it was a good bargain. She has a natural running walk and knows more than she lets on at first. I’d just finished eating when Sharon came up and wanted me to go riding around with her, Fred C and a guy named Eddie Cochran (Raynell’s beau’s brother). I didn’t this time but by Satan I will the next time she asks. Damn it, I ain’t “bound to the land.” Tomorrow I’ve got to tell her that I want to see Allen (Alvie?). I don’t write anything except poetry anymore. I go right up and tell ‘em. More fun. Adios, Gaye

In three years I  developed a lot of cynicism and no small amount of bitterness. I was perfecting the art of  silent and subtle disobedience and cleaning out a lot of the brain washing. Mostly I kept it quiet and hidden but it was simmering. And no, I never did go out; I couldn't get up the nerve to throw a real tantrum because I knew I would have caught unholy hell--maybe not physical abuse but plenty of verbal and emotional which could hurt worse than a slap or a punch. I was almost never hit, I have to say. 

At this time, Mingus was being examined and critiqued to earn some level of approval and accreditation/certification from the state. I was cynical about that too; thus the "proper decorum" remark.I know the teachers and staff were very up-tight about it though and we'd been lectured to be on best behavior for the duration. I guess it went well for the school did pass. 

Sonny (Al) and Shane were pen pals that I have mentioned. I did make two black shirts--I was making western shirts a lot then . I did leave  his plain but did fancy mine up with silver. I also made a full skirt and had silver braid on it too. I think I wore it some before I was out of school.

Queen was a Quarter Horse type chestnut mare we had gotten thrown in with a load of the mules. She had a colt early in the spring of 1960. In the long run we never did much with her although she was reasonably well broke and quite manageable. I rode her a little bit. Mostly she was just out being a bell mare for mules in one pasture or another. Colonel and Skip were geldings that had come in the same manner. Colonel was a nice horse and was sold to two young girls named Taylor later this year. Skip went to a dealer; he was a plug, slow moving and not the sharpest horse. Maybe some stable got him for their kid and dude horse.

Sharon was Sharon Padget who live down the street from us and her folks ran the Y Not Drive In up the hill. Raynell was Raynell Lightfoot, a classmate. I've seen her at a couple of the reunions. I think she became a teacher. At that time she was going with one of the Cochran brothers. Eddie was a buddy of one of Sharon's boyfriends. Not sure if the A reference I wanted to see was Allen Coleman  or possibly Alvie Self. Can't read my own writing in that notebook! And the writing comment referred to my dangerous habit of writing notes, a couple of which ended up biting me in the butt! You cannot unsay spoken words either but you can deny or claim to be misunderstood etc much easier!

Hard to find photos for this but I will try..Okay, Tyce Miller who I know I have shown before. Sharon Padget. Then a mare that is similar to Queen though I do not  have a photo of her. And finally Queen's colt, Ritzi. Put the light mane on the other mare and that would be Queen.

 

Monday Memoir, Jan 17, 1962

My last semester of high school, going along smoothly enough. In many ways that was the best block of my school days with perhaps an exception of 6th grade at Willard. Anyway, I was coasting to the finish and not too worried about anything--at least on good days!

Jan 17, 1962 Wed

When I awoke the sky was scattered with a patchwork of clouds which thickened and lowered all day. I could have stayed home but I chose not to. Studyhall and all morning I read She-caught in a web of fascination. A beautiful, horrible, fascinating book it is. Thank you, Jose, for recommending it to me. I turned in my theme and got last week’s with a “1” at the top of it. ‘Reen and I ate lunch together as usual and worked on our clay projects under the supervision of “Bassett Hound” (Mrs Bud Bassett) who is standing in for the absent Miss Mahoney. In journalism chaos reigned as usual just before a deadline. I was glad to get on the bus and head home. No mail for me tonight and no riding either. Charlie Mike and I did the home chores and he related to me a funny conversation he had with Lila King. I think he is going to have a fatal attraction for women being one of those ‘helpless’ type guys who seem to need mothering. Only they really don’t. I didn’t do much useful tonight. Tomorrow I shall go to Prescott with Dad. The latest is that the insurance company wants to settle. I quit writing for awhile and went to listen to the radio.Thinking of Jose, I stared off dreamily into space. What did they play but Moon River--thanks again for the recommendation, amigo mio.  It is a lovely song and seems to fit you as I picture you, at least. We are still trying to decide what to do. I wish we’d get our land sold or a loan so we’d have to come to a decision. I want to do something, but I am too impatient. Time heals all? I shall call my pinto filly “Flying Colors.” She is a pretty little mare. My Arabian is named “Winged Victory.”

Fanciful, sometimes snarky and  noting odd things that I saw, experienced or  questioned. Whether or not I mentioned them, 'chores' were part of every day, regardless, mostly so routine they were not addressed. At this time Jose Cazador--my nickname for a pen pal I've mentioned before--was my favorite correspondent and much into the exotic, esoteric and paranormal as I was. 

She was a novel by H Rider Haggard and part of the series that contained Allen Quatermain and King'Solomon's Mines. They were all fantasy of sorts and set in Africa.  She really was all I said here--an amazing, disturbing book to me. Of course I was an avid reader and often read when I might have been better off studying or doing something else! Goodness knows I was told so often enough! But the escape of literature was almost addictive--especially if it were romantic. And Moon River was a song I loved for many years, still do really. I think it was the theme of an Audrey Hepburn movie, Breakfast at Tiffany's?She also played in Dark Mansions, from an Anya Seton novel of the same title, one more fantasy than the historical books which Seton did so well. Several favorites mentioned here!!

I think those horses mentioned were imaginary or wishful, not actual. I never had a pinto filly until 1965 when Ginger was born--aka Virginia Dare, Ginger for short. And I never owned an Arabian. So fanciful equines with fanciful names. 

"Reen was of course my friend Maureen Jewell; we were best buddies since we met in the spring of 1961. She was a very good artist and I hope she later used that talent to some advantage. I think Mrs Bassett was a regular substitute teacher at Mingus. Did she have that droopy sad eyed look of a Basset Hound? I have no recollection! Anyway that was what I called her (snarky!)

Photos? Not many and I think none new .. So here is Susie and a new Ginger, Jan 1965,  Jose and his pinto horse--he had several different ones--and Maureen at the end of the 1962 spring term, on the steps to the art class building.

memoir Monday, Jan 10, 1959

 Sophomore Year--I was beginning to feel I needed to move past the pre-teen and junior high era of my life! It was not happening soon enough to suit me and unfortunately really did not for a very long time. The last few years I have read a lot about dysfunctional family issues and can now put names on a lot of the problems I suffered through. Does it help? Maybe in some ways. The hope that my experiences and survival may help someone else is mostly why I keep sharing this stuff. A lot of it is not pleasant and very uplifting to say the least but there were many good experiences also. Life is like that, a mix of a whole spectrum of "'stuff".And I could easily say "S**T" too!!

Jan 10, 1959 Tues

I’m restless today. I was a good girl and got my term paper in early. Talked to Judy Crawford. We get along real well. Darn Moose, I wish you were a cowboy. Took Stella over to Rays out by the airport. I enjoyed riding alone. I just read the best library book. I wish my “touching beauty, fine character,” etc could sustain some noble man through his hardships but such things only happen in books, dang it. I’m tired of school boys and TV heroes. I want some real man to love and be loved by.  Deuce it, I’m too young for that I guess, Well, someday maybe. I must make myself a good person so I can be worthy of his wonderful devotion.  Gee, what nonsense I am writing. You must forgive me, Kev. Your little Gaye is poco loco.

I wish I had noted what that book was I refer to. I was a very avid reader and almost always had a novel with me. I was clearly being a little facetious about the subject there. To identify a few folks mentioned: "Moose" was Marvin Kallsen, then a senior. I had known him at Willard School and he was probably the first boy I got a crush on. By now that was faded but I still kind of wished he'd notice me.  I was totally into cowboys which he was not and that was a sticking point! Stella was a nice little mule, one of the earlier ones before "the Mule Year"  madness which began late that summer. 

Judy Crawford was a classmate and one of my closer friends at that time. We went riding together a few times but otherwise did not 'socialize' much. Well I didn't socialize with *anybody* very much! I never went to any dances or other special school activities. I was not allowed. Judy quit school in a year or two and married Charlie Bonaha. She had a little boy and I lost track of her; I do not think they stayed married too long. I never had a photo of her but she was blonde and a little bit husky.

I was too old for "imaginary friends" at this point but had invented a  vision of the guy I wanted for a boyfriend and called him Kev. At times I wrote a day's journal to him like a letter. As a section of my big memoir that I am currently writing says, I was "addicted to romance" most of my life. It was a real psychological addiction and I had a powerful craving and need for the emotional highs and pleasant feelings that came from being "in love" even if it was no more than a one-way crush. At long last I have "gotten sober/gone straight"  and mostly just did it cold turkey! 

Not much in pix here--my school photo from that year  and a drawing I  made that might represent "Kev". I did not really like this photo of me but didn't hate it. I finally realized it helped to get rid of my ugly glasses and not smile and show my teeth that I did not like--two front overlapped a bit.So I had a rather stern expression and almost severe hair style. That level stare is pretty much "me" I guess. I was not standoffish or snobby though some probably saw me that way. I just had my pride and dignity and held aloof mostly for protection. It is tough to feel you don't fit in. 

Memoir Monday Jan 3--1958 & 1961

Two views from the same calendar day, three years apart. Older but no wiser? I am intrigued by watching the author age and grow. (I really hardly identify with that person now so am not abashed to discuss her)  So much and yet so little changed through those fast-moving years from 15 to 18 or even a few more.

Jan 3, 1958

Got up early. Fed the stock. Came in and ate breakfast Saddled Tina and rode uptown. Got a letter from Jerry and a darling bracelet from Hot Springs, Arkansas  where he is right now. Mama Witt sent me a picture of him. He is real cute. No other mail. Rode to Cottonwood. Got car part. Didn’t see anyone I knew. A few cute guys though. Finished car work early.   Usual chores etc. The weather is stormy. I’ve got a real honest to goodness boyfriend and I am thrilled. Well, adios. Gaye

Jan 3, 1961

I woke up feeling pretty lousy so I decided I’d better stay in bed and rest so I wouldn’t get really sick. I had the shivers and was really achy. I got nine letters this morning, three new ones that weren’t too interesting and six replies. Two I am not answering. Judy Crouch I’ll write to in a few days. I worked on my chemistry some more and got all but a few done. I rested a lot and feel considerably better. I did the home chores and the folks went out to the pasture. I curled my hair and washed up so I am planning to go back to the ‘pen’ tomorrow. I’d give anything to quit when the semester ends and do the rest of the year by correspondence. I just hate school. It is the dreadfulest thing. I wish we only went about half an hour in each of the five classes and then got out at noon every day. A least I’d have a little more time to myself then and have that many less hours to spend with the gooneys every day. The world situation seems to be pretty serious. If things worked out just right, or really wrong, there could easily be a war. No one wants it but there is trouble everywhere.  Goodness knows what will happen in the next twelve months. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock but of course I can’t. I must just live each day one at a time. As I have said before, that’s the only way I can stand it. When you forget the past and the future it’s easier. I’m born again every time the sun comes up. Adios, Fey

A few notes: Jerry Rose was a neighbor of my maternal grandparents in Irvine, KY. I'm not sure how we became pen pals  but I know Grandma (Mama Witt) encouraged it. I wish I still had a photo since I really cannot recall what he looked like but we had fun writing for awhile and he sent me a present! I think that bracelet fell by the wayside many years ago and we both moved on to other interests. 

Those first  few short sentences occurred in about 3/4 of my daily records at that time. Variety was not  the norm. This must have been a weekend since I do not mention "ate and left for school" next!

By 1961 I was getting into serious pen pals. Judy Crouch was another horse lover who lived near LA. We met a  few years later after I was in college in Flagstaff and even were roommates for about a year in 1970-71 after she moved to Arizona.  I had several pet names for school, usually referencing some sort of incarceration. I really did not hate it as much as I let on but I did prefer to be outdoors and especially riding at that point, before my serious cowboy girl years had that becoming a full time and taxing job that gradually became less fun.  I did not feel an accepted and comfortable part of my classmates at this point and was troubled that my lifestyle and family were so different than everyone else's. A few of the guys did tease and somewhat bully me. I despised Eric Stadleman, who I felt was one of the worst.

On the international scene this was the era of the Cold War, the Cuban Missile Crisis and a good deal of angst about the future. Bomb shelters, attack drills at school sheltering under the desks, and much that seems  rather odd now. Peace is a fleeting and rare commodity no matter when.  No, there was nothing like Covid but I seemed to have colds, flu- like viruses and sore throats--tonsillitis and strep--half the time. 

So a few  pix:    Arrival at San Bernardino on visit to Judy, spring 1968.  She lived in Perris at this time. Judy and a horse  she exercised.   Me and Tina summer 1957. Geeky Gaye/Margaret, eighth grade  Clarkdale  School.