Monday Memoir 28 April 1967

 

By the end of April, the sense of "something wicked this way comes" began to get stronger.  May was mixed good, okay and rather dark but then a difficult summer emerged, a goulash of ends and beginnings in some ways, mostly ends and although I would continue at NAU, the rest of my life changed markedly by the start of the fall term..

April 28 

I was --unplanned--back in the valley. The Boss had come up late on Thursday and said I *had to* go home for an "emergency". I was not pleased and called Dr McFarlane to postpone a history test I was to take Friday and then got in the truck and rode home in mostly sulky silence. Why did they have to mess up my birthday?  The alleged emergency was a farce. I had to go to Cottonwood and sign a document before a notary, part of the Boss's cockamamie  wonderful new plan to claim the Clarkdale houses by "Adverse Possession." All of half an hour maybe? That was how I spent Friday along with riding some with Charlie Mike later.. I am not sure if he was off school or not; he was not old enough to sign anything at least! 

So back to the previous Saturday, the first day of the NAU Rodeo. I woke up at 7:30 and had a sort-of breakfast and did my ironing. I'd gotten the little iron from Mama Witt the day before and put it to use.  I've been on a hemming spree lately, fixing up my clothes. JoAnn was coming by about 1:00  and I would be ready. I wondered if Dusty would call but not really expecting it with work in a serious mess. Also got a letter from Judy and a quick note from Mom--I was to call the California folks and give them a sad story because the expected 'triumph' had not come through. I felt it ridiculous and was disgusted so did not rush to do it.  I did go up to the arena and came back in a bit, chilled bone-deep/. I had some snacks Mary had supplied, warmed up, watched TV awhile, showered and went to bed early. Sunday was basically more of the same. The rodeo was not too impressive.  

 Monday the 24th went by fairly painlessly, I finally called Aunt Ruth in the evening. She was cheerful and volunteered to send the folks $50 and some boxes of food. I had the blue blahs all day for no particular reason but found I still had a "1" in Accounting and perhaps also in Biology..

By Wednesday it was a bit hectic. I got a $10 birthday gift from Mama Witt. I was almost ashamed to accept it but I did need it. Aunt Ruth was sending me $5.00 for my birthday, also. Spring winds were blowing almost daily but it was getting warmer. I wanted to do a little retail therapy but had to save for May and I wanted to buy a bag of pellets for Buzzie to help her get back to a healthy weight. Fretful, I rearranged the room. Mary liked it even if it was different. Those rooms were awkward and the furniture did not fit well. We had bunk beds in this one but that did not help much.

Then it was Thursday and my 24th birthday. I was not too excited about it;. After that major turning 21 event, the rest were really anti-climax.  I spent the early morning downstairs doing laundry and by 9:00 decided it was going to be a nice weather day. Mary left a card for me at the cashier in the cafeteria and at dinner, Fran brought me a piece of cake and the  table of mostly Morton gals sang "Happy Birthday". I was slightly embarrassed but touched. I got several cards including one from Jim, very sweet and affectionate. Ray had to read it over my shoulder in the cafeteria at noon. Darn snoop. After we were back in the dorm from dinner we had a party in Darlene's room as her birthday was the 28th.   Back in our room, I was buzzed from the lobby about a visitor. The Boss  had come to get me  due to an alleged emergency. I was not happy.

Photos: Were these houses worth trying to grab? In 1967 surely NOT even to have a roof and four walls for shelter!  The 1st is Charlie in about 1962. Next is in 1989 when we visited the area. Last is 2021, my last trip to the Verde. It does not look bad now but after some 60 years amazed  413 lower main still stands. I was shocked at the prices some of these homes now commanded! But in between... It would have fallen around the folks' ears had they actually claimed it as I doubt many repairs would have been made. Water under the bridge! What freaking emergenc?! The trees really grew from 1989 to 2021!

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Monday Memoir April 21,1967.

All this season feels so unreal now. Did I read it somewhere or maybe watch part of a strange series on TV? I can hardly identify with that girl/woman, whoever wrote about those times. She may still exist somewhere inside me but like the long ago child who was innocent and mostly content, she is buried very deep. In some ways the child is closer.

I actually missed two days on the last post. I did write on April 11 and 13. Oh well, nothing too earthshaking, I suppose. I had trouble posting that week's installment so maybe it was trying to tell me something. 

I did not go down the 21st so I'll try to pick up any tidbits for that day and then go back to the previous weekend (April 15-16 ) in Clarkdale and some events there. Friday the 21st, I was excused from Accounting as I had the assignment done but had a tough test in Biology. In the afternoon I went up to the rodeo arena Jo and Bertie There was nothing to do so I came back and then went up again with Esther, Keith and some others.(Note--none of these names ring any bells today!) Came home from that with Joann K. She and I are in the ticket booth tomorrow from 2:00 to 3:00.

So the prior weekend: April 15-16. Yes, I was at Clarkdale those days and there are a few things worth mention. Riding on Saturday, Charlie Mike and I saw Earl Ragsdale, our old track inspector friend. He told us B&B 6 had turned their big  motorcar over.  He said  Shorty had some broken ribs and Mr. Watt was banged up some. Earl said the officials were down Thursday and seemed really torqued about it.. That worried me. I would not be surprised if Dusty got demoted to bridge or track inspector or back to just a carpenter. The officials had been looking for a way to get at him and the accident was such an opportunity.  That gave me a bad feeling.

The latest on the Morgan Madness was too complicated to write even then and I do not recall any details, just more of the same with conflicts and  dirty deeds and trouble--always trouble. Sunday we hauled ties, discards they'd been given permission to pick up. We also started working on a separate pen for Buzzie. I rode her a little and let her graze on a bit of new grass in the shop yard. Poor baby is so thin; I hope we can pick her up. I did some final frantic work on a paper due soon and then hopped on the bus to head to Flagstaff after supper.

So back on Campus Monday morning, I hoped Charlie Mike could deliver the note I had written to Dusty.  I realized his failure to call or come recently was mostly due to issues and problems on the job which were now revealed as being serious, very serious. I complained I was still tired and sore from the work I had done and realized I was slowly getting out of shape.

The next few days went by in normal fashion. I was not tapped for Spurs but was more relieved than disappointed; I had gone to their tea and fashion show and not been greatly impressed. I attended an address by Stuart Udall about ongoing wilderness and other BLM/Forest plans which fit in with some history themes and papers I was working on. . Tuesday coming back from the library, Mary and I wandered through a number of the dorms. I wanted to see what Wilson was like since I'd be there for the summer. It is nice and I thought I'd like it..  Raymond is kind of neat but I do not like Cowden at all.  I went to the Rodeo Club Wednesday for the first time in several weeks and decided to get involved in the weekend's annual rodeo activity. Thursday morning I sorted and washed some clothes and cleaned the room.Then I trotted off to class, determined not to be late since Dr Smallwood took a very dim view of that! I was never real confident in that one anyway. "No word from home," I complained. "I get disgusted with the folks but I know they are busy..." And then it was a weekend again, the NAU Collegiate Rodeo. 

Pictures?  I know I had some from one NAU rodeo or another but darned if I can find them. Cuss. Dorms?  Okay--one of Wilson--it was a large, long building, three stories. At that time it was the far south end of campus. Not now! My room was on the third floor. Wilson, relatively new then, was much more modern than North Quad. Next, a view from that room--ahead of this story--and then the rodeo arena, this shot from a summer 1967 Native Powwow but the same location.

Monday Memoir, April 14, 1967

 April 14, 1967 

Another rather jumbled week when I did not write very much. There were a few notes for Friday the 14th added the next Monday morning so I will cover them first and then go back through the week from April 11-13.  Maybe I was slightly clairvoyant and had a dim vision how things were not going to go well on several fronts for awhile. Actually most of 1967 from April on was a disrupted, confused and traumatic period. Somehow I survived but it was not always easy. By the time 1968 arrived, many things had been resolved, at least in a final if not totally satisfactory manner. Like my sudden change in early September of 1966, life abruptly hit a fork or two and I had  no option but to take the path fate or the Powers-That-Be sent me to follow. 

14 April, 1967

The Boss was here when I got out of history. at 2:00. We went. Stopped by Mrs.Edwards' on athe way to Clarkdale and I met the notorious Lisa (for what it's worth.) And we went on home. The extra gang was there but Charlie Mike said they are leaving Saturday. Got ready for a busy weekend.  I was supposedly updated on the latest developments but did it make any difference? Not really. It gets more scrambled and convoluted every day-week-month. Holy cow! I think I am better off not knowing!!

S'plains: I really have no memory of who Mrs Edwards was nor Lisa. And nothing in my notes sheds a bit of light. They were probably somehow involved in the ongoing family turmoil, legal problems and more. I would say definitely not significant now!

So  much for that, so zip back to the prior weekend, April 8 and 9. It was apparently not very inspiring as I stayed in Flag and fretted. I mentioned working on that big term paper, washing and ironing, unpacking all my pretty cotton dresses to wear since spring was bound to arrive shortly. I was wishing I had brought my phonograph back. I wanted to play Duane Eddy and Waylon Jennings,  being in the mood for some good ole country "drink and cry" kind of  music.  And loud. Saturday I went uptown to the movie alone and saw "The Dark at The Top of the Stairs." It was odd and somewhat haunting.  

Then that morphed into Monday, April 10.  "Blue Monday" I said."I feel sicker than two dogs today. It is 28 days  so I am late once again." My ordinary cycle was 21-24,  but at  the time I did not know worsening endometriosis and  irregular cycles were results of my bout with the mumps in October 1964. Sterility was involved too.  I never used birth control and it never became a problem. I fretted over not hearing from Dusty but did not know then of the problems he was having at work. Since his health issues the previous summer, some of the higher-ups were working to get him fired before he could reach the point of a medical retirement. They were sly and underhanded about it. Unfortunately,  they soon had their chance.

I was actually looking forward to another weekend down in the valley, especially if I could get in a lot of riding. I had spent a total of about fifteen hours writing and fitting in the footnotes etc.on my big term paper.  I think this was the one I did on Gifford Pinchot and the Conservation Movement but not sure. I made most of my term papers into major projects and usually my profs appreciated and recognized my efforts. Lots of A's or 1's were awarded. But then,  writing was always my thing and research was almost 'fun.'

I thought of trying to "be different" like more outgoing and even flirty until my birthday for a trial but realized I could not easily change my nature. Somehow faking it would not work.  Then I said "Oh, I give up. I don't have a plan, a dream. That's why I feel so lost.  You have to have something to work for. I am just drifting in a sea of self-pity and self-hatred which is slow poison, it eats away at me. I don't trust anybody enough o talk to or with." In retrospect, I see borderline clinical depression and find its roots in the difficult past four years and some from earlier, very much a PTSD situatioin..  Bit by bit, I overcame it with occasional back-slide. It took a number of years. Maybe I never wholly did as it still pops up at times..

Not sure about pictures. I may find something that fits --or not. Well this is not my photo but very evocative and one I found and kept some time ago.  I did not have this image in 1967 of course but it would have spoken to or for me. I've called it (her?) The Goddess of Depression. I may have paid homage to Her much too long. Call up a wind to blow those clouds and rain away. I will instead honor Brigid or Epona! My senior picture did not look so dark but that was before the four hard years.

Monday Memoir April 7, 1967

 For once there is an entry for the right day!

April 7, 1967

A week gone by just like that. I don't know where the time goes. It wasn't a good week nor a bad one. No word from Dusty or Jim--damn both of them. Yesterday was pretty nice. I hoped Dusty would put a perfect end to the day but no such luck,. We got an 'excellent' cleaning rating on our room just for turning over the rugs and scrubbing the basin a bit. Mary and I nearly laughed ourselves sick over it! I got $5.00 from Mama Witt so bought some more "Nice and Easy"(haircoloring I was using), some stamps and candy/cookies.  I've got my weekend all planned out --writing on my paper in the library--thrill, thrill. Got last week's History test back with another 84. That just kills me. I don't feel too good; haven't all week. Maybe I've got Mono or something. Guess it's the 'summer syndrome'. I've had all sorts of weird dreams and feel a strong desire to pull out of life in general. It would be so easy.... It's that time of month, also, which complicates matters . I need a vacation but definitely not at 'home'. I don't know what's wrong with me but if nothing is, I'll really start worrying!

So back to the weekend, April 1-2 Now it is Saturday, I wrote. I'm going to the library in a bit to work on my paper. Then I may loaf the rest of the day. Mary is going to be gone this evening and tonight to visit her sister and brother-in-law who are on their way from Albuquerque  to California. It is windy and chilly this morning but mostly clear so far. I hope it doesn't snow more. My watch stopped yesterday. I was so mad. I'm writing them a nasty letter--not too nasty but insistent. I ran smack dab into Ray yesterday at lunch. I think he did it on purpose, the big oaf. 

I'd hiked out to Outfit Alley on Sunday  and nothing was there. Got back about 1:45, ate some junk for lunch and then napped until 5:00. Mary brought me a sandwich for dinner and then went to the library. I stayed, hoping for a phone call --didn't happen--and worked on my accounting assignments and notes from my research books until 10:45 when I fell into bed. 

Then it was Monday again, a mild and overcast day I am just tired and stale, I guess. Damn the whole mess. Haven't heard from Jim or Dusty and know Ray is not what I need or want. Guess I'd better just start all over. I have really been getting deep purple lately, especially at that time of moth,.. PMS? Whatever. I said maybe I should wear red today but I don't think it would help. Nuts, gruts and butts. Here, I can't waste two hours when I've got to get to work. Papers, more accounting, get more of my class notes in order, etc. I don't really worry now but grades are still a necessity and keeping that 1.5 average if possible.Yes, I had a very different life now; was it all it was cracked up to be? Except the old one still had a toe if not a whole foot iin a bear trap.  At times that was a help but mostly a hinderance. Grut the whole mess.

Pictures just 'cause:  A snowy day from the 3rd floor of Liberal arts; an NAU building I cannot name today and last a view out in the east railyard looking across toward "outfit alley" where some of those distant  cars may have been part of one or excess not used right then.