Monday Memoir, June 9, 1967

June 9, 1967, Friday

 More of the same?  I did get a bit of sewing done, mostly just to pass the time since I could not ride all day every day. I did not record it, but a vague memory says B&B 6 may have been taken out this week, (No, it wasn't until some weeks later.) From now on that siding will always be empty to me, the few times I am here, whether or not anything is parked there.  An era has ended, for how long or how permanently I cannot begin to guess. It is sad, more sad than I am really prepared to deal with. I refuse to say it is really the end; I still trust it never will be, but why and how, only time will tell. This is such a damned shame, so wrong, and an event I had no way to anticipate. Not even a month ago, we were making plans for the summer. The loss now is almost devastating. I have to learn to  compartmentalize many aspects of my life at this point. Otherwise I would have simply spirit-broken and almost gone out like a light.

My recollection of this second week is dim, vague and hazy. I am sure I was mad at the folks and upset about their attitude in continuing to expect to claim the two run down houses by adverse possession. That idea was so blatantly ridiculous and doomed NOT to work but I could not tell my male parent *anything*. There was no use trying. Looking back it is almost amazing  he often drove me back to Flagstaff or made sure I caught the bus in Cottonwood the other times. I would have expected him to throw some kind of tantrum or create roadblocks because I cannot believe he really wanted me to be doing that. Still, for that first year and a bit more I managed to give them money several times and I guess that was--appreciated? Welcome,  anyway. I never ran short as I was generally thrifty and then I did get some help from Uncle Dan and the monthly $5 or more from Grandma Witt. Somehow something always came through when I was scraping bottom. 

At this first break, I was proud of myself, and not abashed to say so. I had  managed to adjust and actually adapt to the new routine of study, classes, tests, and not give in to my doubts and fears of inadequacy.  I'm not sure why I even had them, for I had done well in high school but those four years had eroded my self image so very badly. I can't explain it any other way. I really did doubt I could do anything, at least do it right, do it well and succeed beyond barely okay. .I have to credit my guardian angel and at that time unnamed Female Divinity for staying with me. They were  always streaming support and comfort in silent, nearly intangible ways.  They took care of me and sustained me when I became deeply depressed.  To this day, I thank them. I know they always have been with me; I am alive today because of them.

In closing, I do not recall any huge blow ups and very few especially happy or uplifting moments.  The hours I spent with Charlie Mike were good; by then we had worked together so long it was almost habitual to have each other's backs and see where something was needed.  I know he trusted and counted on me and I surely did on him. I was able to spend a bit of time with Alex, too. He was growing and maturing, eight at the time. He was very bright and understood  much beyond his chronological age so we could actually talk about things and did. I joked with him but was often serious too.

I made it through that next weekend (June 10-11) and on Sunday night caught the old Silver Eagle to space and time-travel to my other world.  I did not take all I wanted to, but already planned to be back down the next weekend so that would be all right. 

Pictures? Despite the gloom and doom that was too prevalent, I held  hope and confidence as I started on the next step in my efforts.  I still counted on hearing from Dusty in time and knew I could not solve the folks' problems so it was pointless to fret about them. That was hard to do at times, but I did try--very determinedly! So here are skies to reflect the mixed impressions. The first is the dark and ominous events which had been hinted at for weeks and now became real. Next was a sunrise, brilliant and somehow promising brighter times. Last an odd one--the bluer area to\the middle right  looks like a path of stairs leading upward. I called it "stairway to heaven." It was a "gift photo" I hardly knew I had taken until I studied the picture.   These were all from Alamogordo but to me feel evocative and illustrative of this tumultuous time I could and did not capture any other way.

Monday Memoir, June 2, 1967

 During the two weeks back in Clarkdale that began on Saturday, May 27, I wrote not a line. There was very little good or uplifting to discuss but I hit a few higher spots on the period when I was back in Flagstaff on June 12.  Most of what I will write here on this first week is reconstructed from memory.

To begin I am almost sure I actually got 'home' Saturday May 27 though both possibilities are hinted at in my notes. It did not matter greatly.  At any rate, I learned fairly soon from Charlie Mike that Dusty had probably been fired. I'm not sure how he had heard this but it proved not to be a  false rumor.  B&B 6 was still there as they had not yet moved, but due to the holiday weekend, no one was around. I did manage to slip a note into the message can with my new telephone and room number at least. I had gotten them when I took my stuff over to Wilson Hall before I left Flag.

This sudden shocking  event was confirmed on the morning of May 30 when the crew got back from the holiday. Of course there were officials and others around so there was no way I could go over and even speak to Dusty. There was nothing 'official' about our relationship at that point except between the two of us and I would just have added confusion and maybe worse if I showed up. We did see he was there, anyway, and I was fairly sure he found my note.  I believe the local came in that day. By Thursday, at the latest, they cut Dusty's camp car out of the consist and took it away for a few days. 

Charlie Mike and I guessed they took it to Kingman which was his home of record so he could get his things out, then took it on to the new foreman's location to get his possessions and brought it back. I knew Dusty had a couch, a desk, a few chairs, a bed and a refrigerator that were his and of course his personal things.  I have no idea what he managed to do with it all because he had been renting a small trailer to live in and he was now unemployed.   

Despite this shock and anguish, about which both Charlie Mike and I carefully said no word in our parent's hearing,  everything else was fairly 'typical' of the situation at home at that time. We had animals to take care of and tried to get them exercised, fed and watered.  School at Mingus was not quite out yet  so Charlie went up to Jerome for a few more days as I took the chores back. I rode Buzzie quite a bit. She had picked up some and was doing better. The others were all okay.. I was too busy and really hardly dared try to go check the message can. There was more than enough to keep me distracted and constrained. If Dusty left me anything, I never found it. Probably there was nothing or the can probably fell unnoticed when they uncoupled the two cars anyway. 

I went to the Mingus graduation with Charlie Mike, not sure of the date, probably June 7 rather than May 31 but do not know. We took the bus up from Clarkdale. I saw almost no one I knew and felt misplaced and lonely.  I did not speak to Jim at all as he was running around and Charlie Mike said there was now a rumor I was PG and he was the father so low profile seemed the best . I later wrote him a somewhat  sharp letter since I was slightly offended anyway. He apologized later and it was okay on  through the summer.

The conflicts in which the folks were increasingly more deeply involved were  accelerating at a geometric rate. I began to suspect it all would end very badly which it did eventually, late in the summer.  The summer was not off to an auspicious start at that point anyway. I was glad I had someplace to go back to, actually very thankful. I am not sure if B&B 6 was soon moved or not, probably later than mid June. For me though, that siding was now forever empty. I had photographs and memories and that was all that remained. 

Photos: I'd just do dark clouds but as I said, it was not really the end for everything yet but definitely not all right. So some other scenes:  First the empty Clarkdale rail yard. This was from late spring 1965 but the view was the same except the smelter stack was now gone  Next is Buzzie; she was a bit skinnier than this at that time but rough coated as she had not been brushed out much from spring shedding. And last, this was in Whetstone many years later but the feeling of foreboding comes through very strong. It felt like a loaded pack to me  at first as I started back to Flagstaff. 

Monday Memoir, May 26, 1967

 Quite a few things were ending this week. I never had Mary for a roommate again though we stayed friends for many years. I never lived in  Morton Hall again. I did eat in the same dining hall the next year and had several of the same professors for other classes during the next three years while I finished both my degrees. Change and continuity. Is that not how life is? 

Again I did  not write every day.  I did on Sunday, May 21 so I will start there. 

May 21, Sunday

A week from this morning I will wake up 'at home.' But there is a lot to do twixt now and then. It is about 9:00 . I slept late this morning and feel terribly lazy. I saw The Joker is Wild and A Portrait of Jennie om TV last night. the latter was really good, weird but really good. Mary and I gave the room a good cleaning last evening and then went out for Pizza at the Stein Club and later cherry pie a la mode at Chez Bon. That was our final fling. I hardly got a railroad car number today.  Maybe I will number the yard and watch the rail today.

I kept wondering if B&B 6 moved yesterday. They were thinking that was happening soon. Last night I dreamed of Dusty and the night before of finding a note in the can when I went home. For some weird reason I think I will see him or he'll call. I;m probably wrong but maybe. I am kind of dreading finals but I guess I'll do okay. That 3 on Man and the Arts music test was the lowest grade I've gotten all semester. At least my scholarship is renewed regardless. That is a big help. I still haven't heard about summer school but I suppose that's going through all right. Friday I went to see Mrs White at Wilson. She really looks like the madame of a bordello. I don't know where they get all these old whores to be housemothers! But I think I'll be able to move down on Saturday, anyway. By then the tests will be over. I think I need to walk today. My dream 'turned me on'. We were in bed together . He was wearing long johns and I was wearing something odd! We had to be quiet so as not to wake someone up. Yes, it was weird. 

 I then said I had to get an hour of sun. I was determined to get a tan. With all my pretty summer pastels to wear I do not want to be too pale.  I am going to lighten my hair again too. Rumor had it there were a lot more men on campus in summer, not just frat rat kid.s. Maybe I could look around.... Dusty was always first but he gets here so little and is gone so much...

Later that day or early Monday I wrote a bit more. "Classes are over. It is that long stretch down to the wire now. So far I have run a pretty good race but now is when the real test of heart and stamina comes. I think I can make it though. If Dusty calls, I will have nothing to tell him yet but it could not be helped. Somehow we'll get it worked out. I don't think he wants to disappear on me now.

May 25, Thursday

This was the last full day I covered for the week.  "At 9:20 I'm all alone in room 109. I saw Mary off on the bus and she's home now. I think I blew the M&TA test. and not the top off, either. But I think I did pretty well on the accounting test. I hope so, anyway. I'll check and see if the grades are posted tomorrow. Yesterday I sold some of Mary's and my books for $10.00. I spent a little, bought a copper donkey pin for her and a little appy colt statuette for me.Last night we finished packing her things . We both had an 8:00 final test today. I shopped and loafed this afternoon, bought a can of cashews and came back to finish my packing except for the last minute things. Went to dinner, took a nap and watched TV. It's going to be lonesome for the next two nights. I've  got to check and see that I'll have money for the summer so I'll know where to move. I could stay up late and sleep in tomorrow but I have promised myself I'd go to the library and study for the history test which is at 3:00. I want badly to get a 1 on it,. I wish I'd get four ones again but I doubt I will. At least I have $7.00 for Charlie Mike for his books. He is pretty worried about that and I can't blame him. I don't think I have any bills to pay and I should get several bucks more for the rest of the books and may get my $5.00 breakage deposit back from the Bio lab.   I wish my beloved would call..."

And that was the last I wrote until June 12, when I was back on campus to begin the summer sessions. I know I stayed Friday evening, moved my things down to Wilson and got the phone and room number on Saturday, and did find my tuition and expenses were covered for the summer with a total of $600. I did not know how the grades turned out until later. 

Just oldpPhotos--kind of a goodbye to Morton Hall and a hello to Wilson where I would spend the summer. It was not bad but I did not care much for what was then the south campus. Wilson was big; it is still there but has been modernized and modified over the years. My room was on the 3rd floor, I think right of the entrance in this photo..

Memoir Monday, May 19, 1967

May 19, 1967

A fragmented week, in many ways.  I skipped writing most days. So I will pick up briefly the weekend of May 13-14 which I spent at Clarkdale.  

I rode both days  and sewed a bit also getting two dresses and a blouse finished. I also left a note in the new message can Dusty had told me about at the end of the cook car next to his car's corridor end door. .I managed to ride both Leo and Chief , Leo even bareback. He is such a sweetie for a young stallion! The whole bunch was picking up some and looking better, which lightened my concerns a bit. Charlie Mike and  I met the new track inspector who took Earl's place.  I noticed he was 'cute' and  and young!  I gave Alex the copy of Tom Sawyer  I had found at Good Will, slightly early for his birthday, May 17.  He was eight and reading at probably close to high school freshman level. He was always very bright.

May 15, Monday.  Instead of taking the bus, the Boss drove me back Monday morning.We went very fast when we could so were there at 8:15 or so. I  grabbed a quick shower, started on my accounting assignment--a final one?-- and prepared for the day. It was cool and breezy, not real spring in the high country yet.

May 16, Tuesday. This was my day! (or so I said) . I got a 1 on my term paper, viva and cheers. "An excellent example of what a term paper should be," said Dr McFarlane. I think that was the conservation one.  After getting the accounting done and having dinner, I went to work seriously  packing. I boxed all my winter clothes up and got out mostly summer things. (They would be in my suitcase to have handy after I came back for the summer sessions.) I tried on a bunch of clothes for Mary and gave her a blouse and a dress, my old nylon floral that I wore to the Senior Reception when I was a Junior at Mingus! I had not had some of them on for years. At 10:00 I was dead dog tired and realized I had missed the band concert. Shame on me--not. Tomorrow will be busier and I am dreading the practical exam in Biology.but I don't care too much. Today I am happy--you have to have a good day now and then

There was nothing more until May 21, past the 19th, Friday I did not go to the valley and spent a weekend continuing the winding down and finals preparation from the prior week.  By then there was just that week's five days to complete. and it would be over--year 1 of my college time, that is.

As for photos? Really nothing. I'll find something but they may not be too relevant!  Okay, so: Alex on Leo spring 1967. Alex was about eight and not real sure about being up on the horse by himself.  He was never much into cowboy things!  Leo was 100% trustworthy or I would not have done it. Next the Santa Fe Chief, west bound Train 3, near the depot in Flagstaff and the rarely used bridge I often sat on or near. Finally, B&B 6, probably earlier but showing\the big silver cook car and Dusty's camp car just next to it, this side of the truck,. The message can was in that area between them where the two were coupled,  intentionally not very obvious...

Memoir Monday, May 12, 1967

The rest of  May was really catch as catch can. There were fun times and dull ones, days I did not make or find time to write a line and a few I covered in detail. So be warned it will be rambling, disjointed and  somewhat sketchy for awhile. really mostly until mid June.  There was one more weekend at home before I went down for the break between the regular spring term and the summer sessions but mostly I was in Flagstaff until the last Friday of May. 

May 12, 1967

I had not planned or expected to do it but Dad and Charlie Mike came up and met me about 3:30 when I got out of my last class.  We actually did not leave until later, and I did not explain why. Dad was doing something? I had dinner with Mary, and then went up to the depot with Charlie Mike, told him my latest and then we left about 7:30. Mrs Griffin, the house mother, was bit grumpy-not sure why-but no matter. I had to hear all about their "air raid" (what the heck was this? I have no memory! and wrote no details.) and "a bunch of other stuff." All the drama and disruption going on at the time.   In the long run the unexpected change was okay and did not upset my schedule or plans much. We stayed up late that night talking, 

So back to the prior weekend and the rest of this week. Saturday, May 6, I started the day munching toast and planned my day. It looked like pretty weather. I walked a bit, checked the rail yard and got an ice cream cone. Watched a movie on TV--Steve McQueen in Baby The Rain Must Fall.. Of course I was reminded of Dusty. Also finished reading Catcher In the Rye by J.D. Salinger. I said he really understood kids, not just the nice ones! That evening Mary got started packing and before we were done we'd packed about 75% of her stuff.  Pat and Becky, two hall mates, drove us up to the bus station and we sent it off to Tucson. 

Sunday I did laundry and went shopping, watched the rail and relaxed but did my accounting assignment for Monday to keep ahead. I checked Dr McFarlane's office and saw I got 81 on the History test but it was the highest grade--small consolation. I want a 1 in there! I started packing some Sunday while Mary was at church and was aghast how much junk I had. I should throw a lot more away! I have thrown away so much since the fall of 1965 but it still seems to grow.

Monday arrived and I said "Well, wasn't that a swingin' weekend?" In some ways it was.  I got a mild sunburn  trying to tan a bit inside the quad. Early Sunday night I woke with a bad case of cramps, not what I had wanted for sure. But in 48 hours I was all done for that round so no major issue. My normal schedule was 22-24 days but usually going no more than 40-48 hours. Except for the cramps, mostly painless. My system was definitely odd. 

Then Tuesday came and up to a point it was a very routine day. I had the usual light T/TH class load and manged to walk to town to mail some things. After English I lay down for a short nap. There was a forest fire in Fort Valley and 75 NAU Forestry students went to fight it. Quick dinner, a phone call and at 6:30 I was sliding into Bluebird, a day earlier than I had expected. Dusty asked if I was hungry. When I said no, he got a tiny packet out of a shirt pocket and handed it to me. It was a little Kingman turquoise pendant, my birthday present. He knew what I liked. Then we drove, talked and ended up on the Cosnino cutoff where he parked. We talked for over an hour about the rail, the accident and much more. Finally he reached for me. We did not untangle until we separated to get in the back. Surprising what can you do in the back of  a VW? I gave him my whole self,  all I had. Tthat seemed  very important this time especially. Later we talked more, making tentative future plans we began to feel were growing more real, He intended to have Johnny with him most of the summer.  I liked that even if it would limit our visits. He was mostly ignoring the potential fallout from the accident but finally admitted he might be demoted to track or bridge inspector or back to lead carpenter. Firing seemed to be unlikely, the worst case. The familiar rattle of his breathing told me he was concerned though.  He'd been better for awhile after the summer. It was week night curfew so we had to go back, too soon. It had been a special night though different from the one in early February. 

Somehow the next two days passed. I had the letdown but too busy to dwell on it. Then is was Friday again. They are almost never as I expect or plan. That was especially rue the first year.

Photos this time!  Two shots of that evening packing Mary's stuff. I didn't mean to pose but she grabbed my camera and click, click! She was amazed I was really a good packer--even standing on a box to get the flaps down! I managed my own by myself over a couple of evenings and then got it all down to Wilson Hall in a borrowed car before I left for the break.  And last, my little pendant. Dainty and special--I liked Dusty's taste there! There will be a bit more on that gift a bit later. 

Monday Memoir May 5, 1967

 All at once it was the last month of the first NAU year. I found it almost shocking, how quickly those weeks and months had passed. I spent most this week on campus and was grateful for that. There was a lot to do with business to wrap up the semester, looking ahead for the planned summer sessions and a vague shadow of apprehension--what was going to go wrong? That cold little shiver down one's back. I felt it often enough.

May 5, 1967

This weekend (May 6-7) I stayed on campus. The last one I had seen enough of 'home' for awhile! I gave much of the interim week a flash and dash, too. Either I was busy or there was not much exciting or important to discuss.  

So I will slip back to talk a bit more about  the prior weekend, April 29-30.  Charlie Mike and I rode on Saturday and said goodbye to our friend Earl Ragsdale. He was leaving to become the section foreman at Aquila. We'd miss him as he had been a good friend to keep us informed. We wished him well. We got Buzzie's small pen finished so she could have a feed box to herself. I think we had at least three or more of the young mares in one larger pen and she had not held her own well. The family had my birthday dinner on Saturday--no big deal to me. Sunday morning came early as DST began. I managed to catch the midday bus and was back in Flagstaff about 3:30. I caught up on a few odds and ends and noted the next week was going to be busy. With the semester starting to wind down, there were varied projects to finish, quizzes to get ready for finals, and the usual routine of meals, cleaning the room, getting my mail and studying.

May 2 was worth a page, anyway. I said it had been both a good day and a bad one. Biology Lab was just an hour (whew) and Accounting class did not meet since Mr Gardner was ill. I got a letter from Mom--I guess nothing too critical as I did not say--and one from Mama Witt with another $5.00.  Again I was almost ashamed to take it but I knew I would need it. We did not get our History tests back--including the make-up one I had done on Monday--and I could not catch Dr Downum in his office to discuss the summer sessions. After dinner--I said I had spaghetti, which I still liked--I went to check my final exam schedule. It's bitchin', I said,  but  I did want to stay there thru the next Saturday anyway.  I went to the library with Mary and then back up to the Rodeo Club.  A bit later I was reading when I had a phone call about 10:00. It was person to person, long distance. I had no idea who it was but did not expect --yes, it was Dusty. He said he'd been trying to reach me for a couple of weeks and apologized for missing my birthday. He will be up Tuesday or Wednesday this next week. Later I said it was ridiculous but I did feel much better. The long two months had been hard and I'd worried a lot. I knew though that I still loved him and always would. Jim and Ray really did not matter. At that time I had no hint how my devotion would be tested. That was part of the darkness. Was there light? A bit in making it through one year as I had and gaining confidence from that success as I looked ahead. Little else uplifting. 

I really have no photos to illustrate this time. Instead I think I will go to much newer files and pick two skies expressive of  the feelings. I was always a sunset and sunrise person.  In a photo it is often hard to tell which the scene portrays. Here the first is a sunrise in Alamogordo--it is nicely promising but slightly ominous also. The second was a late sunset, also in Alamogordo--the scarlet line looked almost sinister and the darkness very foreboding. Both expressive of my feelings the week of April 29 through May 5, 1967