Memoir Monday, August 18, 1967

August 18, 1967

At this point, the end was coming, like a runaway train full of hazmat down a rough track with a bridge out at the bottom of the steep grade. I had been semi-wired at the end of May, but I guess one could say "You ain't seen/felt nothin' yet.."  The first time was almost all about Dusty but this next time it was very much up close and personal and I was in the middle of it.  

Aug 16, 1967 Wed

I hate to hurry this way. Forgot to set my alarm so I got up at 6:40 or later and just ran beacsue I wanted some breakfast for sure. Made it to Math class. Right after that I left Danny Downing's four shirts in the lobby and  went to get some boxes at Foodtown. I said I'd buy them if I had to because I really need a couple more. Then I called to see how much more it would be if the warehouse sent a triuck down for my stuff rather than me bringing it up.  Kinda steep. I was tempted to cut Econ but didn't think I'd better. Both classes were getting hairy now. Colleen has sure made a mess of her packing so far. But then I am the "methodical Taurus" who goes about things "the efficient way." A few more boxes and I will have it 'whupped.' And I have a dinner date at 6:00 this evening. As if I didn't have enough to do!  Yes,  Jim finally resurfaced. 

When I woke up I was dreaming that I had just seen Moonspinner disappear around a corner and I was frantically searching and it suddenly got dark. There were trucks running everywhere and I was lost, carrying my suitcase. And I 'd left my ironing board up Leroux somewhere, where I had been ironing when I saw the old Plymie. That sounds crazy and felt so! (Leroux was a Flagstaff street, up town.) So now I'm afraid he'll call or come through this evening while I am gone but that's the chance I have to take. I don't think I'll hear from him for awhile, really. Maybe October, maybe never... But at least he called me in mid July and he had not been pushed or prompted in any way. That man can be unpredictable--but I love him anyway, maybe even partly because of it.

Aug 17, 1967 Thurs

Well, I  made it to class even if I was still awake at 1:40 am. Two no-doze pills and a cup of coffee ought to keep me awake through the first one anyway. So I went out with Jim M last night. He came about 6:10. We went out to dinner at the Afton House where I consumed $3.95 in Chinese chow. At least we didn't sit at the same table Dusty and I had but the same little Chinese man hovered around to see we were satisfied. It almost got on my nerves but the food was delish. Then we went to the "auto movie" and listened to tapes until the show started. We saw "The Secret of My Success" and "The Russians Are coming." The latter was good, both comic and serious, in a way. It was 1:00 when we left. At the dorm, he walked me to the door and then departed without even a goodnight kiss. I really can't figure that bit. He's taken me out enough now to feel he deserves a bit more than just the pleasure of my sweet company, no? So I search for a reason--shyness? He "respects me and awaits for me to make the first move"? I'm not atractive? He is afraid of 1) me 2) himself 3) getting hooked 4)public opinion or ???? I am getting to feel fairly much at ease with him, not like Dusty yet,  but I have to  admit that would likely follow an incrased degree of physical intimacy. In some ways they are quite a bit alike. If Dusty was 30 and really single, he'd probably be more like Jim, especially with an equivalent education and not just an HKU PHD!  If only he was. I guess he didn't call, perhaps tonight? It is almost the last chance but I don'texpect it at this late stage of the game.  Except for the birthday card, I am going to leave the worthy chap alone and let him take his own time about it. There is no use getting frantic.  I've got to get my stuff  'shipped out' today. Guess I'll put up a sign or two asking for help.

Aug 18, 1967 Fri

Well, my stuff is at the warehouse signed, sealed and delivered. I hauled it upthere in a Mustang, lent me by a friend of Carolyn's The math test wasn't bad, really. I may have gotten 100%, certainly not below 90% unless I am badly mistaken. I'm really unprepared on Econ--hope I do not flub up too badly. I don't feel very well and hauling that junk downstairs didn't help much. But I am just so thankful it is done. Uncle Dan called last night--don't know what will come of that but I'll let Charlie Mike go instead of me if it comes to that. It will take awhile for the excedrins to take hold. Why didn't Dusty call? 

Not to explain but a closing comment. For a long time I was too embarrassed to even mention this event but I know now none of it was my fault. The mixture of my parents' foolishness with some people who were probably justifiably angry and vengeful, resulted in situations and events which are not shameful. They are re-enacted in different ways frequently today. In today's environment they've become too common to be shocking. I did learn to feel some empathy for unplanned hardships and an ability to understand things I see, hear and read about now from real experience.  That was a key part of learning and growth which  I expect my energy-self needed.  I actually ended up going to Clarkdale, on August 26th if memory serves but I did not write it. This last week I wrote a few times, then once more on the 22nd. Then for three weeks, not one single word.  I'll have to reconstruct that from memory and notes I wrote after I was back in Flagstaff in  mid-September. Three weeks almost out of time, out of life, out of --just OUT. 

Pictures? My internal turmoil is hard to portray. Worry and dread were hard, cold knots in my middle, not quite a pain but almost. Like I swallowed a half dozen ice cubes or drained a big bottle of very cold water too fast. How do I symbolize that?  Seeing a storm and not knowing where it will go or when it will hit--that is the feeling! I found this long ago to symbolize a scene in a story I was writing but it fits.