From my freshman and junior years in high school, Emphasis on the junior year but the other is just to illustrate one of my prevalent difficulties. In the first semester of 60-61, I was in a pretty rebellious mood but was beginning to calm down by Jan 61 but still had a flare of aggravation now and then. The strict constraints on my social life and "free" time could be pretty hard to take.
The first block really brings out the enmeshed family situation where I often had trouble making up my own mind and resisting the forceful and often ugly or harsh comments, orders and rules that were imposed on me. Here I was fed a major dose of s**t (bold faced below--so NOT my own real words!!)) and briefly went along with it, parroting my Dad's scathing vitriol.. Other than having bright red hair and dressing a bit flashy, I see no reason to label Mrs. Miller so rudely. But the family standards were always rigid and very strict. Of course no boy or man I was ever interested in was anything but a fouled up POS and hoodlum that I must stay away from and look down on!! That got very old after a number of years.
Jan 24, 1958
Got up early. Fed the stock. Ate, dressed and off to school. Finished Elizabeth Barrett Browning’ story and copied a few poems. Usual English. Recess. Algebra. Home for lunch, ate and up again. Usual typing. Up to Spanish. No news. History. Had a test. I did pretty good I guess. Tyce as usual had a hard time. Had a pep assembly and I never heard the kids yell so loud. Came home. Usual chores. I wrote a sonnet in history. (14 lines for 14 years). After supper we had a long talk about getting papers etc. Also about Tyce. I really have a weakness for guys of his caliber. Monday I will look at him with new eyes and I don’t believe he’ll look the same. I will still be nice to him but I will think of him only as a poor little kid. I know now that I never loved him but pitied him and got my emotions confused. That is enough said. Howard Schwab is worth much more. Tyce is only a curiosity, nothing more, nothing less. A poor unfortunate kid with a hussy for a mother. Adios, Gaye
Jan 24, 1961, Tuesday
Well, another dull boring school day. The “inquisitors” were there today. Sharon didn’t go and I wanted to talk to her. Oh well, no me importa. We only had observers in one of my classes. That was Chem and I think I conducted myself with the proper decorum. I was glad to light down from the bus and hit for home. I got a letter from Sonny and about six yards of coal black gabardine from “Shane” which is doubtlessly meant for shirts for us. I’m not going to make them quite as plain as he would perhaps prefer. I’m going to trim them with silver rick-rack. I rode Queen tonight. I was so happy. I think if I gave up Colonel and Skip to get her it was a good bargain. She has a natural running walk and knows more than she lets on at first. I’d just finished eating when Sharon came up and wanted me to go riding around with her, Fred C and a guy named Eddie Cochran (Raynell’s beau’s brother). I didn’t this time but by Satan I will the next time she asks. Damn it, I ain’t “bound to the land.” Tomorrow I’ve got to tell her that I want to see Allen (Alvie?). I don’t write anything except poetry anymore. I go right up and tell ‘em. More fun. Adios, Gaye
In three years I developed a lot of cynicism and no small amount of bitterness. I was perfecting the art of silent and subtle disobedience and cleaning out a lot of the brain washing. Mostly I kept it quiet and hidden but it was simmering. And no, I never did go out; I couldn't get up the nerve to throw a real tantrum because I knew I would have caught unholy hell--maybe not physical abuse but plenty of verbal and emotional which could hurt worse than a slap or a punch. I was almost never hit, I have to say.
At this time, Mingus was being examined and critiqued to earn some level of approval and accreditation/certification from the state. I was cynical about that too; thus the "proper decorum" remark.I know the teachers and staff were very up-tight about it though and we'd been lectured to be on best behavior for the duration. I guess it went well for the school did pass.
Sonny (Al) and Shane were pen pals that I have mentioned. I did make two black shirts--I was making western shirts a lot then . I did leave his plain but did fancy mine up with silver. I also made a full skirt and had silver braid on it too. I think I wore it some before I was out of school.
Queen was a Quarter Horse type chestnut mare we had gotten thrown in with a load of the mules. She had a colt early in the spring of 1960. In the long run we never did much with her although she was reasonably well broke and quite manageable. I rode her a little bit. Mostly she was just out being a bell mare for mules in one pasture or another. Colonel and Skip were geldings that had come in the same manner. Colonel was a nice horse and was sold to two young girls named Taylor later this year. Skip went to a dealer; he was a plug, slow moving and not the sharpest horse. Maybe some stable got him for their kid and dude horse.
Sharon was Sharon Padget who live down the street from us and her folks ran the Y Not Drive In up the hill. Raynell was Raynell Lightfoot, a classmate. I've seen her at a couple of the reunions. I think she became a teacher. At that time she was going with one of the Cochran brothers. Eddie was a buddy of one of Sharon's boyfriends. Not sure if the A reference I wanted to see was Allen Coleman or possibly Alvie Self. Can't read my own writing in that notebook! And the writing comment referred to my dangerous habit of writing notes, a couple of which ended up biting me in the butt! You cannot unsay spoken words either but you can deny or claim to be misunderstood etc much easier!
Hard to find photos for this but I will try..Okay, Tyce Miller who I know I have shown before. Sharon Padget. Then a mare that is similar to Queen though I do not have a photo of her. And finally Queen's colt, Ritzi. Put the light mane on the other mare and that would be Queen.
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