The "stuff breaking loose" I had feared came a few day before this. Mom asked me a few direct questions and I mostly answered honestly. There was really no alternative. I might had lied to Dad but I could not to her. My mistake, really. And DTBL she could not keep it to herself and once Dad was in the middle of it, the proverbial jig was up. But mostly he was playing very cagey and knew just how to get to me. The subtle and sneaky type lecture, aimed to shake my confidence and stir both fear and guilt. I was still seen as the fifteen year old though and not the woman of twenty two that I was. That was what saved me, really.. The whole story after the journal entry.
Oct 16. 1965, Sat
Got up and fed the monsters. Ate biscuits for breakfast and rode Cinder out to do the morning chores. Charlie Mike joined me and we got rained on a little before we reached home. Of course our trip was cancelled so we talked instead. Now that my mind is made up what I’m going to do, it’s a lot easier to listen and think. I must get a long letter written to Dusty and then I will concentrate very hard on studying all sorts of things. I’ll cut my pen pal list down with another brutal chop. Five of the ten will have to go. After lunch we took Ginger over to her new owners. They were half scared to death of her but they decided they liked her and we got our check for her. Now to sell some mules. The chores were done in rain but I was warm inside. After supper I sorted and ‘strated’ up things and got my list of goals, plans etc. out and we went over them. It was pretty interesting , really. Getting the ranch and marriage and a family are my two top goals (No names mentioned!). Beyond that I only have wishes and dreams, and they are mostly unrealistic. I went to bed at 1:20 am after beginning Dusty’s letter--an important document indeed. I can always smell cigar smoke in the rain now. How could one forget that? Those kisses could last me a long time. Already I have had more than I deserve, so much more. Now to make myself the right woman. Should’ve begun sooner but it’s never too late, is it? Not yet, anyway.
Things had come undone on Wednesday and Thursday. I first got chewed upside down for my stupidity and basic wickedness and then came the sly part. My weakest spots were so vulnerable and used with no mercy. "Groomimg" was not a term used then but I got "the age fifteen approach" that I was being set up by an older man to be used or even maybe pimped out to the whole gang.(not in those terms but that was the inference.) Of course a cheater could never be expected to stay faithful, even if I 'won' for the moment. And I was certainly too naive and basically unattractive for anyone to be really interested in me. I'd need a dowry like property and such. It was just a silly crush anyway, and I'd get over it and forget very soon.
Destroyed was almost too mild a term for how I felt but I was not quite ready to go to the river or to give up for real. Friday I sent a note by Charlie Mike and Dusty met me at the pasture Friday afternoon. I had to find out if he really did care; I knew but the doubts had been stirred so badly. It was a difficult conversation. I sort of asked if he had lost respect for me since I had been willing to meet and act on my feelings. He denied that emphatically and asked me, "Have you done anything you are ashamed of? Have I? " And I could give an honest "no" in both cases. We had kissed and snuggled and talked; he never once 'tried anything' that I could possibly object too and nothing was ever disarranged beyond my hair!! I did say maybe I should not be seeing him so much under the circumstances and he said he should have broken it off when he left the year before for my sake although he had certainly not wanted to. But I still lingered in his embrace and as he said later, "every time we kissed the sun came out." That was true; it was a bit drizzly with broken clouds. Finally we walked back over to where Moonspinner was parked and he mentioned how none of his dreams came true and he had always wanted a ranch but knew he would never get that. I sensed he was troubled but did realize I was being pushed savagely by the home folks. He was not sure what to do about that. He'd let me set the pace for now.
I knew then beyond a doubt that he was not playing games with me or acting out of any ill intent and that we would only truly be together when he had things settled with Johnny and was able to legally carry me home. Still I would have to at least make things look right at home and appear to be settled into a changed mindset and attitude. To some degree I did manage that. I set my new goal to do my best to help the folks get that ranch they still asserted was "for me", only I was going to try to get it for Dusty, too. Yes, it was hopeless, but I really did try. I tried for almost ten months more but with a few near catastrophic events in the relatively near future and many more the next year. November and December were nightmares and but for fortune, I could have been a suicide or a murderess. It came very close to that.
So Ginger was sold. Of course my breaking and training her and also Patrick was never mentioned nor did I get any credit for that. They just did it on their own, didn't they? None of that situation changed at all. I really never expected or believed that it would. I tried to convince myself that if I did everything right it would all work out. In that I was truly unbelievably naive and gullible. But the enmeshed family and emotional incest still had me in a fierce bear trap, one I could not yet escape.
The only pictures here will be Dusty and me, the self-photo-shopped one of us together and him on Prez, playing a wee bit of his dream as a cowboy/rancher. His place in my heart and the bond we shared had not been shaken and really could not ever be.
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