Did a week make a difference? Yes and no. I was not ready to go to California yet. That would come before long. For now, there had been a Mingus football game Friday night which gave me an opportunity to spend some time with Dusty. We took Charlie Mike up to the field and then drove off to a quiet place until near the end of the game. We had a powerful and deep conversation which healed any potential rift or chance for a break-up. Thus, I thought things could be okay for awhile. With us, they were, but otherwise not so much...
Nov 6, 1965 Sat
Got up rather late and did my home chores.We got off to a rather late start. I rode Annie out and did the pasture stuff and went on over to Elaine's to see if I could buy her gelding. No deal. I was a little hurt not to hear from Dusty. Something must have come up suddenly. He was "with" me all day though. I have my little sun-face on again--to stay. I got home at 1:30 and felt like hell but after lunch the Boss decided to go to Prescott, taking Charlie Mike and me to get groceries. I rode in the middle wearing my black tweed suit and was hot. I hate it in the middle if I can't hold to or lean on someone. We got groceries at Safeway and Fry's, got home about 7:00 and did the chores by moonlight. Dusty is sure on my mind; am I on his? Little fragments of our talk keep coming back to me. I wish I had it recorded someway. I still have a weird feeling of impending change. A year ago he was about to leave and I thought our paths would never cross again. I think somehow that I was meant for him. It's silly yet we really are 'just right.' Another time I'd not be able to stop him. What a mad year it has been. But for all the anguish I would not undo it. The ecstasy and joy has balanced the misery. I have to write him again now. Will I always? Yes, I think so.
I did not say why I felt bad but suspect the monthly miseries which still usually gave me a lot of discomfort. If I had a quarter for every time I rode long hours, often hunched over in pain, I could afford a big treat. Why Dad insisted both of us kids go with him I have no idea. I would have expected Mom to go which would have made better sense. Then we could have done the evening chores at a reasonable hour. So typical of how things were going at this point. Beyond rhyme, reason or even sense.
As I said above, Dusty and I had a good and important conversation the evening before which we really needed. We settled several things and he finally said, "I love you. I just want to take care of you and make you happy," I had no room left for doubt what his intentions toward me were. Then a little later he put a hand on my knee at the hem of my straight skirt and started to slide it up. I caught his wrist and shook my head. We were kissing and I feel sure he was really not thinking. He apologized at once and asked me to forgive him. That was the first and only time I ever needed to stop him. I just felt I had to for both our sakes at that point. We went back to pick up Charlie Mike and Dusty let us out up the alley from home. I had an impression he was going to be there most of the weekend, but that was not the case.
From this evening on, November mostly went downhill. The Morgan enterprise was not going well at all as finances, the routine and even health were constantly disrupted by a extended bad spell in Dad's ongoing mental health issues. I have to blame much of his actions and attitude on that (he was often irrational to the max) in order to find some forgiveness and to let a lot of bitterness go. Actually there were few respites in that awful situation for the next ten months until the sudden end of what I've called "my self-imposed life sentence" in early September 1966.
At times I still wonder how I survived but I know I had help in much higher places than any regular human authority. I had not really recognized my guardian angel at that point, but s/he was there, all the time. I am not sure even now if this Guardian Angel is two entities, if angels are actually above gender identity, or what. There were both male and female aspects. The 'use name' I was given for mine is Dara, which is also the oak or any style of the Celtic knot pattern The word is in old Gaelic. So the pronouns truly are we/they for this divine entity.
Photos. The first I took of Dusty, just a few days later, at a time I will discuss next week. Then a shot of Annie, not at this time but showing her under tack. She was a big rangy mule and quite strong. I think that was Mom with her and not me. And finally a Dara Knot pattern, drawn as a symbol of the Oak Tree, sacred to the Druids and revered by the Celts. I would say this design stands for my Guardian Angel Dara too. They were my Oak and protection then as always.
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