Memoir Monday, March 18, 1966

Finally I got well and up again. Life goes on. I went with it as best I could. This was both a good day in some ways and also a hard one. I was still very raw from the loss of Tina and knew B&B 6 was going to leave soon and dreaded that ...  I had not been able to see Dusty for well over a week.

March 18, 1966 Friday

Life goes on, though. The sun comes up this morning and I am still here to see it. And now that it has set, I am glad I was alive today. We talked after breakfast and all went to the pasture about 11:00 and did the chores. When we got back I saddled Buzzie and went up for mail and led Lyno around a little. I was afraid the outfit was moving but couldn’t quite make myself go over. So I fed. Charlie Mike and I had a PB sandwich and then went to work on the feedbox for Leo. He took a side trip and I waited fretfully. Finally he got back about 2:45. Yes, they are moving and Dusty was working alone. So I hopped on Buzzie bareback and hustled. I slipped up and surprised him. He was working frantically to get things tied down but looked up to smile quizzically at me. “You’re liable to get shot that way.” he said.  I felt a little bit in the way but watched as he worked. He gave me some gum, a Pepsi and a tiny box of candy. Finally I said I’d better go and that he’d just been going back and forth like I wasn’t there. He turned around and we stood in the corridor door and talked. I flung myself into his arms for a moment and he held me with a fierce tenderness and then loosened his embrace to hold me at arms length. He said first he had to try to win Johnny’s respect and make him understand and arrange real custody. After that, he said “I’ll come after you.” I promised I’d be waiting and behave myself. We kept telling each other to be good and be careful. He gave me a half-sideways kiss or three around my fever blister and finally I said “I love you and goodbye.” “I love you too.” I scrambled down ignoring the cook car steps. “I have to do things the hard way.” We swore there would be a next time and never a last time and a lot of other small senseless and large important promises such as lovers make. B&B 6 is moving to Drake for about a month (I’ll say two knowing how things go). 

I came hurrying home and helped with the fed box. Actually I just did it. I’m so much better at doing things like that  and accomplishing things than Mom is or Charlie Mike, either one. They went out to the pasture and I did the home chores alone. Ran over to the outfit but it was deserted. Tomorrow all the cars will be gone and Dusty won’t be back in Clarkdale on Monday morning. I left a note under the door “Came back to say goodbye but you were gone. I love you always.”  So that will be waiting for him when he gets in Sunday night or Monday.  He had said, “Now I’ll have to write you once in awhile.” I’ll write faithfully once a week unless hell bars the way. I had told him about Tina and he was sorry for me. And the pain in his voice talking about Johnny left an ache in me. It will be hard to get used to his being gone.  As I said, “It will be awfully empty around here now.”  The Verde Valley now holds no charm for me. My last two links are broken. And yet--he met me here and loved me here. He loves me dirty and sweaty and tired, just as I was today. And I love him all ways, always. I’ll be waiting somewhere.

I think Mom and Dad had gone to either Prescott or Flagstaff and took Alex with them so Charlie Mike and I were doing normal work. I'm not sure why he was not at school that day. Anyway we had plenty to do. I was still wanting to know but afraid to find out if B&B 6 was going to leave so he ran over to see.  I think I knew the answer anyway but that jump-started me. I had to go then and see Dusty if it was to be the last time for awhile.

Cliche to say "Parting is such sweet sorrow" but it was. I had known this day would come as they had been there for eight months. The job was done but I was not ready... There was something so real and truthful to me when he said "I'll come after you."  I took those simple and direct words as a promise and considered myself betrothed or promised from that day on. I kept it for five years although fate ultimately had other plans.

What else is there to comment on or explain? I think this stands alone. Not many photos either.  Buzzie since she was now my "main mare" and an older shot of Dusty just because. First Charlie Mike with Buzzie. About this time (early 66) as he had been growing; he'd. passed my height.  He was 15 now. Then Dusty with a kind of sassy look--he was teasing me as he often did once we were comfortable with each other.  And then the Clarkdale rail yard with the empty spur track (view side of the road to the smelter area). where work trains parked when they were in town. It looked so lonely from this day on... The local took B&B 6 out the next day.  The date--blurred--on the lower corner is not right.