Step by step. Progress of a sort. Hard won and no triumph. The toll of going back every weekend was weighing on me, financially and emotionally. Finally I began to play a foolish game, even perhaps a risky one, since I had little choice but to go and do what I could. And during this week I managed to write, letting some pressure off for the most part.
Monday, Sept 23
Back again. I could kick Paul Babbitt in the shins. The horses were too thin, had little value. Damned old grump, but it was mainly Buck Snoddy's fault. with snarky remarks(A local cop who probably led the old stock dealer to the place,) I have just slammed a door on 'home' and horses for awhile. There is no way I can do more. I'm not going down again--maybe never.
Just took the DAPR test. It was a doozy. I hope I got a two. I'm really scared about my grades this time. LIke I mean it's so bad it hurts. I don't maybe hate the Boss as a person but I cannot help hating what he has become and done. The cruelty of it is appalling. I could cry for Charlie Mike. I don't see why he doesn't light a fuse in his rush to get out, to California. And yet, I do in way . Don't I hate to bestir myself to change? The worst routine is familiar, thus safe...
Nick looks like Jim M from the rear and like himself otherwise. Nick, stocky and solid and muy macho.Short cropped light brown hair and smoky colored eyes and an easy voice never at a loss for words. I had never seen him before Saturday morning. Old Louis may be my honorary Grandpa but I have a new favorite bus driver. He stuck his head in and called "Give me a call, Tommy." I was the first passenger in line, not on purpose...yet. He took and punched my ticket. "That's a real pretty jacket you've got there." I sat in the front on the right side. Does he ever hustle that old rig down the road. Fast, but he handles it AOK. He talked over his shoulder to me about the jacket, about Elvis being in Sedona and then we were in Cottonwood. He handed me down and I almost forgot about it until Sunday night. I should know better. Doubtless he is married and has 20 kids in Casa Grande or somewhere. But I had to think of something besides seven horses with their ribs and hipbones showing and my father in the county jail. So I thought about Nick Dawson.About 30-35? What I once thought someone was about a lifetime ago.
Theevening bus pulled in a little late and there was only one passenger. Nick handed her down and saw me. "Where are you going this time?" "Back to Flag," I said. He punched the ticket and I climbed up,"Want to sit up front?' He indicated the seat right behind his that held his suitcase, uniform jacket and cap. "I don't want to put you to any trouble," but he moved them and made room.Josie Almira, a more recent Mingus grad, was going up too. She is a quiet little mouse and couldn't respond to Nick's teasing. I picked that skill up when I was sixteen! There is another problem I haven't resolved, It has been a long time since May 15 and even July 11. I seem to recall Dusty said something about six months? . What have you done to me by disappearing? Shall I hunt him down if it takes all winter or let him go in peace? I don't know yet.
That first bit was written in a fit of temper and pain. No, I was not going to slam any doors and I was still determined to get those horses into good homes and I did just that. I also went back down a few more weekends before everyone was gone. Eldest daughters do what they have to do--even when it is hard, taxing and costly in many ways,. Today I am not sorry and feel I was right. The jacket was quilted with a nylon shell and warmer lining. It was tan wth dark brown stitching in a semi fleur-de-lis design. I also got a pair of Wellington style boots, a type I had always loved since having a pair as a small kid, and practical for all but deep snow. A lot of bus drvers wore them too!
Oct 26, Thurs
Damn,, I am not getting anywhere fast tonight. I came down here (libray) at 6:00 and it is 7:30 and all I have done is read some books. I've got the fidgets. Tomorrow night I will see Charlie Mike off to California even as I was once seen off 100,000 years ago. Only two? I doubt he will come on Nick's bus as it would be too tight on the time. Got to take a test in marketing tomorrow. Can't say I am too enthused about it or really too concerned. I'll study some before I go back to my room. I starttd to say "home" but I really don't have a home now. I've said that for awhile but is more true than ever now. Damn, I muss Dusty.. Still want him. I am crazy for that but it's true. Maybe in time someone else could take his place but I still wear a "Private, no tresspassing" sign that most guys shy off from. With Dusty it was not just physical, as we were as much or more friends as lovers. We always had so much to talk about. It is going to be a long and cold winter. Jim M has ditched me--no surprise given the politics. I've got to study. My grades will be really bad; I've got to DO something.
Oct 27, Friday
I'm real rocky this morning and not where it's at. Two No-Doze and cofffee=caffeine shock, I guess. Plus an allergy pill. I'm real woozie. I am pretty confident that I did okay on the marketing exam. There were about eight of the fifty multiple choice that I was doubtful of but I am a fairly good guesser. I am beginning to like Dapr too. Computers are more intersting than the more routine machines. Just two more classes to stagger through and then lunch and up to the bus depot to meet Charlie Mike. If it were not for the Rodeo Club barbeque I'd go as far as Barstow with him just for fun but I really cannot afford to. Maybe I'll go see Judy over Thanksgiving. Have to check the cost and see if it is okay with her. Have to check on the Tucson trip first. I have not heard back from Mary about that yet. I am high and sleepy at the same time; that is a hell of a state to be in. Glad I have my accounting assignment done. Mainly I just have to read govt for the weekend. and then sew. But I must not miss Charlie Mike's bus. It won't be here before 2:30, I don't think, so I've got some leeway.
Photos? Two obvious choices from this very day. First me and then Charlie Mike at the Depot, then ATSF, of course, on September 27, 1967. Just over two months later, I was to board the San Francisco Chief, once again in the snow, as I headed to Sacramento again. I think the jacket I am holding is the one mentioned. Shirt I had made and jeans were Goodwill. Charlie Mike was getting tall and his jeans were a little highwater. He had a number book in his hand--a major interest for many years. He got a lot that afternon as we walked in the yard.
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